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Forums / Welcome and orientation / Just can't seem to get through this tunnel

Topic: Just can't seem to get through this tunnel

27 posts, 0 answered
  1. SisterG
    SisterG avatar
    16 posts
    12 March 2021

    Good morning,

    I am so inspired by the posts of everyone and thank you all for sharing your stories and journeys. I loved the stories of those of you who have made it through to the other side of this darkness. I hope I can get there too.

    I have some wonderful things in my life to be grateful for but feel so lonely and in such a dark place. This has gone on for many years on and off and I can remember these feelings when I was younger too. I have managed to get through them with keeping busy I guess; and had always prided myself of seeing the positives in any situation. I am struggling to do this for myself though at the moment emotionally. I now have a chronic illness which means I can't work and can't over exert physically. This has impacted greatly on my mental health and I struggle with this daily.

    I am feeling more and more often that I would prefer not to be here. I know many of you understand this feeling. I have a daughter and feel confident that I wouldn't take action on these thoughts but they are consuming me more and more. A more general feeling that if I was to die that I would be ok with that. I know this would cause her great trauma and I would never want to do this but the feelings are still there and very strong. I know others would be sad for my passing but they would move on as we all do.

    I have been through trauma and illness and all of this has impacted on my current mental health. I feel like my spirit has been broken. So many of us are born with such love and kindness and through years of unkindness and abuse this dwindles into nothingness. I guess this is where I am at the moment. I have an overwhelming sense of nothingness.

    I have a good medical team, some good friends, a great brother and cousin and have just joined a wonderful group of women for support. I have had to let go of people who I thought were friends but turned out not to be which was painful, have a strained relationship with my sister who was once one of my closest people and have been single for over 10 years because single parenting and supporting family has consumed my world.

    I miss being in a relationship.

    I would love to see more sunshine rather than darkness.

    Thank you for reading through this if you have made it to here. :-)

    3 people found this helpful
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9163 posts
    12 March 2021 in reply to SisterG

    Hi, welcome

    Before I comment on your situation let me tell you a short story.

    In the 1990's I was unhappily married with 2 young kids. At that time I didnt know my family and I had bipolar. My father told me "better to be a part time dad than no dad at all". 2 years later as my attempt was under way I remembered those words. I stopped, got help and one week later after yet more abuse from my wife- I left the family home. I then built my own home and paid all the child support and was the best part time dad I could be.

    20 years later my daughter was about to enter the church to get married. She knew the story, in fact had come to live with me from 12yo onwards. "Thanks for making it here dad". I knew what she meant, I then walked her down the aisle, the most satisfying moment of my life. I made it.

    Your daughter wont get over it. My brother and uncle both took their lives. I know.

    So onto you. You sound articulate and caring. You seem to "have it all" but I know that doesnt mean a lot when talking about the dark side.

    Do you have a passion, hobby, sport, interest? I'd be very interested if you do.?

    A relationship? Well that could be the key. Have you tried online dating? My daughter found her terrific hubby that way.

    Fun, imagine laughing until your sides ached. That is achievable and would offset a lot of the depression you feel. The world has many activities that you might not have thought of like scuba diving, fun parks (yes adults do laugh while there) a short cruise, hiking, camping and my favourite- caravanning. In fact I built our own caravan and love it to bits. We also tow it with a vintage car. The more active the less negative thinking. I've been here for many years now as a community champion and it fills up those minutes that cause me harm with boredom- and to boot I get to help others, a satisfying feeling.

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/depression/depression---has-it-taken-you-to-the-end#qhPbPnHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

    We all nee a purpose. We all deserve fun. I hope you get the help you need and reply anytime here.

    TonyWK

    2 people found this helpful
  3. sunnyl20
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    sunnyl20 avatar
    203 posts
    12 March 2021 in reply to SisterG

    Hello SisterG,

    Thank you for such a sensitive and personal post. It is great to hear that you have found hope from the posts on these pages - it can be so helpful to read the stories and experiences of others. I would really encourage you to hold onto that hope that you are feeling if you can - even make a list of what gives you hope so that you can look to it when things feel meaningless and when you feel you don't know if/why you keep going.

    I am sorry to hear that you have found yourself in such a dark place. It sounds like things are feeling really difficult. Has there been anything that has helped in the past when you have felt like this?

    It's great that you've been able to identify the strengths in your life, and it is so important to keep these in mind. But please know finding the positive in every possible situation and having this expectation of yourself to do that constantly can be very draining, it's okay to just let yourself feel whatever you do about what is happening in that moment without the pressure to shut those emotions down and bury them. Expressing what you are feeling and what you need is important. Writing can be a great way of doing this and you are very articulate, would you be open to writing? It can be helpful in externalising what you are feeling/experiencing, writing makes you organise your thoughts and get them onto the page. It can also help you see your thoughts from a different perspective.

    I cannot imagine how much more difficult chronic illness must make getting through each day, I am really sorry that it is having such a debilitating effect on your mental health. Have you been able to talk to anyone about this and get support for it?

    I can relate to feelings of not wanting to be around anymore - please know that you are not alone in experiencing this. They can be very overwhelming and confronting thoughts. There is help available when you are feeling on edge or at a crisis point - please do not hesitate to contact Lifelife (13 11 14) or Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636).

    You can reach out on the forums at any time, whenever you feel up to it. We are here to listen. Take care.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. SisterG
    SisterG avatar
    16 posts
    12 March 2021 in reply to white knight

    Thank you so much Sunnyl20,

    Your words do mean a lot. It is such a crippling place at times as you know. After posting on the forum I took my dog for a walk and took in some sun I was still very shaky and low but wanted to move the feelings. A very good friend then called out of the blue and dropped in. This helped so much.

    I have finished the day in a much better place than I was this morning and have been for the past few days which is such a relief.

    I know this is part of my journey and I just need to keep remembering the feelings pass - as big and overwhelming as they may be at the time.

    I am so glad I put my feelings down in the forum this morning. It helped so much to be able to voice them to others that understand - as you probably know - not everyone does.

    I think I will be here on an ongoing basis from now on.

    Kindest wishes. :-)

    2 people found this helpful
  5. SisterG
    SisterG avatar
    16 posts
    12 March 2021 in reply to white knight

    Sorry White Knight,

    My mind was a bit foggy - and responded with the wrong name.

    Thank you again for your kind words,

    SisterG

  6. SisterG
    SisterG avatar
    16 posts
    12 March 2021 in reply to sunnyl20

    Thank you Sunnyl20,

    That is such great advice. We often try to 'make things better' - look for the positive and it is sometimes much more effective to let the feelings we have wash through us. Acknowledge and accept these rather than pushing them away or holding them in.

    It is wonderful to be in a forum with others who understand. I think this is what I needed today. I have tried to talk to other people about this, professionals, friends, family but it is different. Unless you have felt these kinds of feelings, had these thoughts I think it must be very difficult to understand. Truely understand.

    Thank you again for your wonderful advice.

    Kindest wishes.

    SisterG

  7. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9163 posts
    12 March 2021 in reply to SisterG
    Hi Sisterg

    No problem, you made my day also.

    Lots of reading and education here

    TonyWK
    1 person found this helpful
  8. therising
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    therising avatar
    2076 posts
    14 March 2021 in reply to SisterG

    Hi SisterG

    I wish to start by saying what an inspiring person you are. To seek to find the good in the bad, to seek reason to live, to seek difference when the sameness is challenging and some meaning within what feels like nothingness makes you a seeker not a settler.

    Having lived both inside and now outside of depression, I can understand why it can be so difficult to feel gratitude at times while facing the challenges of depression. While a lot of our emotions can be linked to the influence of our chemistry, I've come to realise for myself that the feeling called 'gratitude' is naturally not a basic feeling. I won't always feel it unless there is great meaning behind it. To some it may sound terrible but with depression as a factor at the time, I could not feel much gratitude or love when both my babies were born, these things I now feel deeply. My bubs are now 18 and 15 by the way. I did feel deep gratitude in being given the gift of my daughter every time she lovingly held and comforted me in my darker days, anchoring me to life. I felt grateful for the gift of my son leading me to PND group therapy, which ended my 15 or so year battle with depression. On a material side, every time I got a new car I was basically grateful but never really felt it. Every time those cars took me to places that made a difference to me, I felt deep gratitude. I think we really feel gratitude when it connects us to something deeper. It's an incredible feeling. Of course, we can feel the lacking too, sometimes a challenging feeling to manage. Until we manage to find deeper meaning, what we can be left feeling is nothing but the challenge. Challenge is filled with so many feelings, as I'm sure you well know.

    I have found the mantra 'I am not who I think I am' to be significant. It sounds like you have often been challenged to reform yourself, graduating to being someone different, someone new. Each time we think we know exactly who we are, we are at some point proven wrong. 'I am someone who cannot make it through this or that challenge', wrong. Challenge met. 'I'm someone who can't work out what or who is bringing me down in this case', wrong. Challenge met. 'I'm someone who's too scared to burn bridges', wrong. Challenge met. Challenges take us far from who we used to be, as we slowly graduate. Things can be so painfully slow at times.

    As someone who's seeking the people who'll help raise you, this tells you that you are someone who can't settle for not being raised.

    :)

    2 people found this helpful
  9. SisterG
    SisterG avatar
    16 posts
    14 March 2021 in reply to therising

    Oh my goodness therising's,

    This is an amazing post. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I will need to read it through a few times to take it all in but can definitely see some of my struggles very clearly articulated.

    This morning I woke feeling 'normal' (ie: not filled with darkness) - I then felt silly perhaps a bit ashamed for thinking otherwise only yesterday and the many days before. I even struggled to imagine feeling that way at all - particularly the depths of sadness I felt. As the morning has progressed these feelings have come back and I know that are part of me at this point in my life.

    I will not settle though. Thankyou. Thankyou to all of you. I jumped back on this morning to touch base and reread the previous inspirational and supportive posts and am so glad I did.

    I am not in the place I was the other day but the nagging darkness is around. I will gently move through today and look after myself knowing it will pass.

    I will also start to read through some of the more specific help sections on this website as I try to work out why this is happening and what I can do about it on a longer term basis.

    I know this recent bout was brought on by some unresolved issues (challenges) which have triggered my sense of powerlessness. I am curious to see how I can turn these beliefs around and prove myself wrong. I want to conquer these challenges. I want to be able to say at the end that I was wrong - I could meet these challenges!!! (I feel inspired) Thanks again. I am smiling.

  10. therising
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    therising avatar
    2076 posts
    16 March 2021 in reply to SisterG

    Hi SisterG

    So happy to hear you felt inspiration. It's such a beautiful and energising feeling when it comes.

    It can definitely be tough when inspiration feels more like stepping stones, with some massive gaps in between, rather than a constant. When I feel the gaps, it can be challenging to maintain the faith that the next step will naturally come. It always comes. Yes, it can take a long time coming, depending on the circumstances including the people around me. Remember, if you're sensitive to feeling inspiration, then you're sensitive to not feeling it too. While I've left depression behind me, there are the odd incredibly challenging days or sets of days here and there where not feeling inspired or raised can bring me so down that it's reminiscent of my years in depression. It can get incredibly dark at times. When this happens I try as best I can to remind myself that this is what challenges can feel like at times. To feel so deeply, to be so sensitive, comes with added challenges. I've found there are also benefits to being this sensitive. I try my hardest to manage staying out of depression through addressing some relevant questions, practicing sensitivity...

    • Can you get a sense of what or who is bringing you down, as opposed to raising/inspiring you?
    • Can you sense why you can't move forward?
    • Can you sense if your energy levels are too low to be able to manage a challenge effectively? Am I not 'charging up' through effective sleep, constructive diet, a constructive amount of sunlight/vitamin D etc. Also, our energy or lack of it can be related to our iron levels, B12 levels, hormone levels and so on
    • Can you get a sense of who or what is draining the life out of you?

    Can be a long list, so I won't go on.

    I've found that it's one thing to be sensitive to how I'm feeling life, it's another to be sensitive to why I'm feeling life the way I am. To 'get a sense' of why means practicing becoming more sensitive. I know, you would think the opposite would solve a myriad of issues, practicing becoming more detached. I've found healthy detachment is often the outcome of being more sensitive. Example: 'I'm starting to get a strong sense that this person is really bringing me down, through the subtle ways they degrade me. If I'm aiming to raise myself, I can't afford to be brought down, therefor I need to spend less time with them. How will I now manage that?'.

    While society generally perceives sensitivity as a 'weakness', in truth it is a natural ability.

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  11. SisterG
    SisterG avatar
    16 posts
    25 March 2021 in reply to therising

    Thank you again therising,

    I feel like you are talking directly to my inner most parts of my soul. This makes so much sense to me and particularly the pace at which you work through each situation. I have found that this is the only way I can do these things. Quietly, carefully and with love and kindness to myself.

    Sending you lots of kind wishes and so many thank you's.

  12. therising
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    2076 posts
    31 March 2021 in reply to SisterG

    Hi SisterG

    Checking in to see how you're traveling :)

    So hard to find kindness and love for our self at times. The way the 'downs' take over can feel brutal. I ask myself 'How is this possible, to feel such love for myself and then experience what feels almost like hatred? How is it possible to feel such extremes?' I suppose it's about loving myself the most when I'm evolving in some way and resenting myself when I feel stuck. To love our self during the 'stuckness' is skillful.

    Interpreting inspiration constructively is something I believe I need more work on. When I'm channeling inspiration on a high, life's fantastic and easy

    • You're a legend
    • Well done, you've made it through this challenge
    • You're making the difference you need

    When channeling inspiration in a down shift, what comes to mind

    • You're hopeless
    • You're pathetic
    • Nothing's going to change
    • You're always going to struggle

    If I was to imagine inspiration as a helpful friend, why is that friend so cruel at times? Maybe this is not actually the case. Perhaps the statements are valid and constructive, once elaborated on:

    • 'You're hopeless. What or who is leading you to feel such a loss of hope?' Valid question, worth exploring
    • 'You're pathetic.' When I was writing this one, inspiration just came to mind, 'Look up the origin of the word 'pathetic''. Of Greek origin, pathos means suffering. It then evolved into pathetikos, meaning sensitive. Evolving into Latin, it translates as 'affecting the emotions'. Makes sense that 'pathetic' would not be negative when 'empathetic' is not negative. To say 'I'm pathetic' would be accurate at times but in no way degrading. Sometimes I hate the way words have lost their true meaning over time. Apparently inspiration knows Greek and Latin :)
    • 'Nothing's going to change...if you're going to repeat the same behaviours or if you're going to hang around the same people'
    • 'You're always going to struggle...if you don't learn to let go of or evolve beyond what it is you're struggling with'

    Maybe, in a down shift, the challenge becomes about expanding on the statements that come to mind. Even the statement, when something goes wrong, 'It's all your fault' has merit. 'The way you're perceiving this situation is all about one of your faults'. The fault in us that has us accepting 100% responsibility when others are responsible can be a thoroughly depressing fault at times. Here, it is fair to feel sorrow or sorry for our self, the self who loses the chance to speak up.

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  13. SisterG
    SisterG avatar
    16 posts
    10 April 2021 in reply to therising

    Hi therising,

    Thank you so much for checking in on me. I really do enjoy reading your posts. They are wonderfully thoughtful and insightful. I have been travelling ok for the past few weeks. A little up and down but ok. The last few days have taken me to a darker (greyish) place. It drives me crazy. Intellectually I can move through and articulate and find logic but emotionally I am lost. I have started a meditation practice which is helping and am trying to read about uplifting and grounding things. But so many random things seem to trigger me. I hear the sound of things and I plummet. For example: I can hear my neighbour with his two children doing something together in their courtyard, they are talking, laughing and interacting. It is wonderful. I then feel so alone and empty. My daughter is in her room, doesn't want to interact but doesn't want me to leave the house. She is 13 and we have a great relationship but I am not able to do things that would help me fill my bucket. She has some social anxiety which means visits to friends and family can be overwhelming for her so end up being put in the 'too hard' basket. She doesn't like watching movies, or working on projects unless it is something that she is inspired to do. etc. etc. Lots of these stories - won't bore you. Just feeling a bit low, overwhelmed and sorry myself.

    This week I also had an issue with child support not being processed. I have medical bills to pay for myselrf and my daughter and a winter uniform to buy for her which is going to be tricky. She is also due for an operation which needs to be paid for advance. Financial stress is a huge problem for many of us. My daughter's father has also told me he may not have a job soon - any day now. I feel things will be ok as I am ok financially with the day to day things but when the bigger costs come in it puts me under quite a lot of pressure. I keep reminding myself it will be ok and try to just take one day at a time but I still struggle sometimes.

    Just a lot of blabbering today. :-) Thanks again for checking in. It really means alot.

  14. therising
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    14 April 2021 in reply to SisterG

    Hi SisterG

    I get what you mean about the intellectual side of you making perfect sense but the emotional or feeling side coming into play, throwing logic out of whack.

    I've come to discover over many years (better late than never) how unhelpful the English language can be at times when it comes to helping us make sense of things. How often are we conditioned into using basic phrases such as 'I feel stressed. I feel angry. I feel tired'? It's typically the norm, which doesn't really help at all with identifying what we're really feeling. Being such an analytical gal at times, I can't help but want to get to the bottom of why I'm feeling the ways I do at certain times. In the process, I've come to practice scrapping certain words and replacing them with what I believe is more telling and helpful.

    • 'I feel stressed' has become 'Why am I feeling my body going into a state of hyperactivity. What thoughts are triggering this feeling of hyperactivity and why? Am I facing a significant challenge and if so what is this challenge asking of me? Can I manage it myself or do I need a co-manager? Is this the feeling of being challenged to find courage or a new perspective?'
    • 'I feel angry' has become 'What or who am I feeling intolerance towards? Should I be tolerating it/their behaviour or not?'
    • 'I feel tired' has become 'Am I feeling an over-exhaustion (of energy) and need to build more energy up or is this the feeling of complete relaxation?'

    There are even times where, in the morning, I can be thinking after just waking up 'I feel tired'. I'll stop myself from going further with this unhelpful thought and ask 'Do I feel too relaxed? Do I need to wake my body up further?' If it's 'cold' outside, I'll change 'cold' to 'fresh' or 'vibrant'. So, if I'm feeling too relaxed, I'll go outside where it's 'refreshing' in the hope of that vibrancy not leading me to vibrate too much (aka shiver).

    Over time the language of my mind and the language (feelings) of my body have come to make more sense as they begin to work together. Of course, it's not all that easy at times. When the challenge is massive, breaking things down can become a monumental mind altering life altering task. Some things I can't do alone.

    It is so hard at times when you're feeling your way through life and you just can't put your finger on what those feelings are really telling you or guiding you to do.

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  15. SisterG
    SisterG avatar
    16 posts
    24 April 2021 in reply to therising

    Hi therising,

    Again your insights are very helpful. I am doing some work at the moment on naming my feelings/experiences and just trying to sit with them. Without judging them or trying to change them. Just understand them and asking my body what it needs. This is all very new and very challenging for me.

    I have had a very difficult week with family things - lots of triggers and very tiring emotionally.

    I am struggling to imagine a time when I won't feel so lost or down emotionally. Has this shifted for you?

    Thanks again.

    Sister G

  16. therising
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    2076 posts
    25 April 2021 in reply to SisterG

    Hi SisterG

    Sorry to hear you've had such a tough week. Life definitely feels cruel at times when there appears to be not enough guidance and when no one appears to be raising you in ways where you really feel raised significantly. I've found in the past that basically being raised doesn't quite cut it, it's just not enough to shift things into a whole different gear.

    I believe, seeing we're all different based on our experiences, what raises (energises and inspires) one person will be different to what does it for another. I think about my 18yo daughter and 15yo son for example. Basically, they're very similar in a lot of ways - they're both natural legends and have incredible abilities based on their sensitivities. While my daughter is highly intolerant of people and situations she shouldn't have to tolerate, she's challenged to work on a deeper understanding of such people and situations. Sometimes there's no question - Bamm, you gotta just shut things down and walk away whereas other times a deeper understanding provides benefits, especially when it comes to reading people and situations in the future (helps strengthen intuition and natural instinct). I raise her to question people and situations more, something she's coming to enjoy. She studies psychology at uni by the way.

    My son, on the other hand, is too tolerant in my opinion. Might sound a bit strange but I'm raising him to become less tolerant, leading him to also question people and situations that really do require questioning. He also experiences the challenges of social anxiety, though not as much as your daughter by the sound of it. One of the challenges we're meeting to help with confidence involves learning to read other people instead of focusing on himself. Kind of like: If you get a sense that the person you're speaking with is genuinely kind and thoughtful, ease into their nature and let them guide you through the conversation. Kind and thoughtful people often make great guides in conversation, often because they sense a lack in confidence in a person. If you get a sense that someone is challenging or manipulative, spend time wondering why as you practice being emotionally detached from them. Wondering if your daughter is naturally sensitive to people, able to read them easily to some degree.

    Consider speaking to your daughter's school about that winter uniform. Schools can be pretty resourceful and thoughtful when put to the test. Could pay to test them. You deserve a break.

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  17. SisterG
    SisterG avatar
    16 posts
    3 May 2021 in reply to therising

    Good morning therising,

    Thank you again for your message. I am doing a bit better each day thanks to the supports I have in place (including this thread).

    I had written a response but somehow lost it - so frustrating. :-)

    I love the concept of tapping in to the other persons energy you mentioned above. I am having to change a big part of myself (being too tolerant of bad behaviour) which is causing quite a bit of disruption for both myself and others as you can probably imagine. :-) I am going to take this on myself.

    My daughter is very sensitive at times but can miss some social cues so these strategies will be so helpful.

    You sound like an amazing mum. Your children are so lucky to have you.

    Thanks again,

    SisterG

  18. Chunty
    Chunty avatar
    103 posts
    3 May 2021 in reply to SisterG
    Hello Sister G. Guess what I felt the need to read your post. I have been in about the same position as you have described.I have a horrible terminal illness which has made an impact on my mental health. I also have feelings of wanting to be with Jesus Christ. I have had struggles with relationships and several rejections, that I kept thinking low of my self and that I am worthless. The only thing that kept me going is that Im Catholic and love Jesus and Blessed Virgin Mary. My illness has made be totally dependent on my friend and carer. For years and months I was struggling with lonliness and isolation. My so called friends have deserted me since I have been sick. My family had little time for me, and when I tried to reach out to them in desperation, I found had ulterior motives, monetary wise. I could,nt believe it. I went down to one friend whom I had known since 1980,s. Made all the promises of visiting me. My carer was willing to pick her up and bring her home, has now come with the excuse of 2 physio appointments a week and shopping. I have never bothered to ring her since. My goodness I wish I only had that to worry about. I am completely alone now except for my Dear Priest who comes to see me once a week for Holy Communion and my good friend and carer. He has got some annoying ways, but he is honest and has a good heart. Im not perfect at all. No one is. But guess what, I cant understand it myself, after the constant battle with lonliness and isolation, over thelast few days, Im not fussed anymore. As long as I know Jesus is here with me and Mary, Father, My Carer and my Cat. Im ok. Im also happy I have found BB. I am amazed that there are such beautiful and caring souls in the forum, which inspite of their struggles and pain are still offering support to others.Im so glad to meet you, as I can identify with you. If you need to talk, dont hesitate ie if you want to.I am willing to support you. Look after yourself and God Bless🙂🐱
    1 person found this helpful
  19. therising
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    5 May 2021 in reply to SisterG

    Hi SisterG

    Your daughter is so lucky to have you as a mum too. Aren't our kids blessed to have such wonderful mums :)

    A wonderful mum wonders

    • how she can better herself
    • how she can provide for her kids when it comes to their sense of joy and comfort
    • how she can solve the problems that need solving
    • how she can help her child or children meet their challenges so they can evolve more easily

    Boy, how the list goes on when it comes to exactly how wonder full wonderful mums can be. If only wondering was a paid job; we'd get paid overtime. We'd be millionaires. It can definitely get exhausting, being in your own head so much at times. I admit, I feel blessed to be a natural born daydreamer. I love going into thoughtless trances. What do they say...'Peace is the absence of war', that battle between 2 minds included. How peaceful, to be 'off with the fairies' on occasion.

    Wasn't until the last few years that I discovered a quirky kinda aspect of daydreaming. I'd 'zone out' while thinking of a question or problem, then when I was zoned out the solution would come to me without thinking. Often, I thought 'Where the heck did that come from? That's brilliant!'. I thought that if I practiced this more and more, I could get pretty good at it. Then it hit me one day, 'I think this is what people refer to as channeling inspiration'. What opens the channel is not thinking. It's like inspiration can't naturally enter a closed mind, a mind that's thinking all the time. It's funny, I've come to enjoy being thoughtless, under the right circumstances I should add :) It is incredibly hard to be 'thoughtless' (free from thought) when there is so much on our mind at times.

    Can't help but wonder whether you have the natural ability to channel inspiration. Are you a bit of a daydreamer at times (a good start to opening that channel)? Do you ever have things come to you from out of the blue and are left wondering where they came from? I think sometimes we have to constructively relax and give our self a break, otherwise inspiration never reaches us.

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  20. SisterG
    SisterG avatar
    16 posts
    14 June 2021 in reply to therising

    Hi therising,

    Oh that is so precious. I have been absent for the past month as my daughter had to have an operation and all my attention was on that process. It went really well and she is recovering beautifully.

    I too think quite a lot - I used to do more when I was younger. I need to get back to it. I love it when an answer comes to you - from somewhere unknown. It is like magic. Beautiful magic.

    I can't believe where I was only a few months ago and how differently I feel now. It is still a day by day process but I feel so grateful to have had this forum and the amazing responses to help me through.

    Sending lots of love.

    Sister G.

  21. SisterG
    SisterG avatar
    16 posts
    14 June 2021 in reply to Chunty

    Hi Chunty,

    Thank you so much for reaching out. I am so grateful to have found BB. I was very low when I first posted - thankfully I am a bit better now. I have my supports in place and have more good days than bad emotionally. Any illness is debilitating on so many levels - the illness itself but also the ramifications. I do identify with you in regards to the isolation and loneliness at times. My heart goes out to you. I have also linked in to some Facebook groups of people with the same illness - I have found this useful too as these group members are going through similar struggles. I am sorry I didn't write this sooner but have been absent from the forums as my daughter had an operation. Please know that there are many of use with you.

    Take care.

    SisterG

  22. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2076 posts
    15 June 2021 in reply to SisterG

    Hi SisterG

    I'm so glad you can sense your progress and that you feel you've come far. If you've amazed yourself that's because you're naturally amazing, you can't deny it. To me, it's obvious how amazing you are.

    So exciting to hear how wonderful you are, how you wonder and things/solutions just naturally come to mind on occasion. I've found the more I practice wondering the more things naturally begin to come to mind. A closed minded person rarely wonders whereas an open minded person wonders often, receiving hits of inspiration. If you get a charge out of such inspiration, such magic, this can become a way of occasionally tuning out from a lot of the non magical stuff that holds the potential to bring us down. There's a lot of it out there.

    I've found it amazing how wonder and inspiration has naturally led me to not take 'No' for an answer. It's like you could go to the doctor and have him/her say 'No. There's no way things are going to improve for you without medication'. In this case, if I was to wonder 'Is this true, can things not improve beyond taking this med?' and if what comes to mind is 'Of course they can, you just need to find the right person who is all about deeper understanding and improvement in this area (maybe while I'm taking medication in the meantime)', I would simply refuse to believe the doctor. I suppose this is why people are prepared to travel overseas; this is where that improvement person happens to practice. Definitely an expensive and challenging way to seek improvement.

    Through my experience, I've come to learn wonder is highly underrated and inspiration is often overlooked. Both take a lot of practice until they become the norm. I've also come to learn that I will forever be entering into challenges for the rest of my life, some enormous and some minor. Without wonder and a mind open to inspiration, they will be so much harder to get through. The nature of life is to be challenged to evolve beyond our perceived limitations.

    You are amazing :)

    1 person found this helpful
  23. SisterG
    SisterG avatar
    16 posts
    15 June 2021 in reply to therising

    Hi again therising,

    This is such a wonderful yet gentle and powerful way of looking at things. I too always question things but have found it more of a fight when things don't make sense. My way is exhausting! If I take this in a more gentle way of curiosity rather than a battle I think this would help me immensely.

    I can't thank you enough. I feel so blessed to have connected with you. You are truly amazing!

    SisterG

  24. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2076 posts
    17 June 2021 in reply to SisterG

    Hi SisterG

    I wonder whether it becomes exhausting when you're the one who's doing all the work to make sense of a somewhat senseless situation. For example, it can make perfect sense for you to question a person in so many ways, in regard to getting the answers you need. This person might say 'You don't need to be asking so many questions' or 'You're dwelling too much on the whole matter'. You could say you find it senseless, for them to not ease your curiosity. I love it when people help me make better sense of things. It's like being fast tracked through a challenge. If someone doesn't want to help me make sense of things, I can't help but wonder 'Why?'. Why would they want to leave me in a state of mental exhaustion or leave me in a state of confusion. I do find some people to be a little insane :) Usually, they're the kind of people who say to you 'What is wrong with you? Why do you need to question everything?'. The insane part - There's nothing wrong with a person who feels the need to question. They're highly sensitive to the need for greater understanding, an education. This sensitivity is like a gift in a way. If you asked my husband, he'd say this gift I love feels more like a bit of a curse for him :) One of the many questions I've asked him, which he refuses to wonder about - 'Do you ever wonder what it would take to find the best in yourself?'

    You know you're most likely not going to get answers or sense from people who typically respond with

    • I don't know
    • Stop questioning so much
    • Just get over it and move on (good management plan, NOT)
    • It makes perfect sense (when it actually doesn't)
    • What's wrong with you? By the way, nothing. You can be a natural born wonderer and questioner of everything questionable. I personally thrive on being around philosophical people. They love questioning just about everything

    The list goes on.

    We are born to question, to wonder. We lose this ability when it is conditioned out of us. Three year olds have such a natural intelligence the way they question just about everything. Regaining this ability does tend to trigger people a little :) I say TRIGGER THEM, to being thoughtful! You don't want to spend a lifetime surrounded by thoughtless people who do nothing but shut you down. Technically, they're shutting down your ability to make better sense of life.

    :)

  25. SisterG
    SisterG avatar
    16 posts
    4 September 2021 in reply to therising

    Good evening therising,

    Haven't been online for awhile so missed your response. Which was wonderful like always. You are so right - I cannot help but wonder and have always been like this. I also like to question things particularly when they don't make sense to me. I have learnt that this can make people a bit grumpy and this usually is put back on me as having the problem. I again like your take on this and am also confused as to why someone wouldn't want to help me make sense of something :-) People.... :-)

    I was pondering things the other day and looking back to the start of the year. I remember the darkness I felt and it seems so distant. Thank goodness. I felt myself slipping back a little the other day but it passed and I am fine. I really couldn't see a time where I would feel different but here I am. The mind is a crazy thing.

    Thank you again for sharing your wisdom. It is always appreciated.

    Kindest.

    Sister G

  26. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2076 posts
    5 September 2021 in reply to SisterG

    Hi SisterG

    I'm so glad to hear you're in a good place. The feelings that come as a result of being liberated through wonder can be positively energising.

    Personally, I can't help being kind of addicted to wondering. The thing I find about wonder is it triggers the mind to automatically open. Before wondering, it's like you can find yourself with a mind like a steel trap, shut tight around false beliefs about yourself, such as 'I'm so hopeless, I'm so angry all the time, I'm so sad'. Typically, this'll lead to 'What's wrong with me?!' The second you're triggered to wonder, the dialogue begins to change in favour of making sense of things. 'I wonder why I'm hopeless, feeling hopelessness at such a deep level. I wonder why I'm so angry a lot of the time. I wonder why I feel so sad much of the time'. With a completely open mind, what may naturally come in is 'Look at the people around you'. Suddenly you may become conscious of the fact no one's leading you to feel a sense of hope. No one's leading you to feel a sense of peace. No one's leading you to feel a sense of joy. In fact, they may be dong the complete opposite and the complete opposite is exactly what you're feeling or sensing. Then you may realise you've gone from 'What's wrong with me?' to 'What is going on with the people around me?'.

    There's nothing quite like a potentially depressing challenge to lead you to begin feeling 'down'. It's like if 'down' is a feeling or a sense (sensation), you can feel in you, starting to stir. it's a horrible feeling and it can be a scary feeling for someone who fears going back into a depression. I find there are times where it's seriously challenging to remember the mantra 'It's time to begin wondering why you're suddenly sensing a down shift'. During deeply challenging times, it's like you have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. While the angel's trying to trigger you to wonder, it can be drowned out by the brutally depressing words 'No need to wonder because, basically, you're just hopeless. Have you forgotten this fact?'. Shutting the hell up or off is part of the challenge, hey. Finding more of heaven on earth is a truly beautiful thing. You can feel it when you've found it.

  27. Chunty
    Chunty avatar
    103 posts
    5 September 2021
    Hi Therising, Your post to Sister G made a lot of sense and you are very insightful. I agree that other people attitude and input can have a strong bearing on how we feel. I just feel we should not buy it. It is easier said than done, as our emotions do get the better of us. Itsxa goodvthing Ive learnt of you Therising. I will keep that in mind. Thank you. Chunty

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