I've been a single mum to two young kids for the last 2 and a half years, I was happy to be out of my marriage at the beginning but I ended up feeling lonely and craving affection. I dated and they never lasted long but I always went from one to the next like an addiction, I really needed to feel loved or have that affection. My mum tells me it's like I'm always searching for something and nothing seems to be good enough. I feel like I'm broken and I'm too far gone to change. I also began drinking a fair bit of alcohol, I thought I was more fun and I had more patience with my children. I couldn't focus whilst I was drinking so much though and I ended up quitting new jobs I'd gotten and stopped study after a week.
8 months ago I met a guy, he is amazing. I've stopped drinking as much, only one night a week that I don't have the kids; I have started going to the gym and I have gone back to studying and I am killing it... But... I don't know what has come over me but the past few weeks I have been doubting our relationship, feeling that neediness for more affection and time with him. He has been super patient with me but he has his own stuff to deal with and I feel like I am pushing him away. I've also been thinking about alcohol again just to stop me feeling this crappy.. be that chilled, relaxed person who is always happy again. I feel like my happiness depends on my relationships, and that isn't fair on my children.
I feel like I'm taking all my emotions out on my children, I have no patience and I yell.. I stop them playing if they're making too much noise.. I can't be bothered cooking proper meals or going out anywhere. I feel so guilty by the end of the day, I think my kids are going to end up hating me and I end up screwing them up emotionally.
I have goals.. I want to finish my diploma and go back to work and better mine and my children's lives, but I am feeling more and more unpredictable emotionally and I'm beginning to think I'll never be able to make that happen. That I'll be alone forever and that my kids will eventually resent me :(