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Forums / Welcome and orientation / Need help..... husband cheated on me.....

Topic: Need help..... husband cheated on me.....

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. Hello1232019
    Hello1232019 avatar
    1 posts
    22 May 2019

    Need help husband of 20 years cheated on me with a client from work it went on for 6 months and ended in feb 2019 as he found out I’m pregnant... I found out about affair early this month via a letter she wrote to him...... we are going to marriage counseling to see if this marriage can be saved as we have young children ....

    issue is j want a written apology but he refuses to write one as I explained to him this will help me with my anxiety and not go into a spirl but he said no..... and he wants to take things slow where I’m trying to get thus relationship back on track but can’t seem to get anywhere...

    why cant he see how it affects me

  2. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    16190 posts
    22 May 2019 in reply to Hello1232019

    Hi Hello, and thank you so much for your thread, it's not easy to post a comment yourself but your bravery acknowledges the strength of others, well done.

    When a spouse cheats on you then the marriage takes another dimension, it may completely change for the good or for the worst, especially when it's done with a workmate, because many different situations need to change, you can't work together any longer and your ability to focus on achieving the work has to be readjusted.

    I want to congratulate you on being pregnant but understand how you are feeling and very sorry for how you are feeling in these circumstances because your emotions come with legitimate reasons.

    For him to say I'm sorry for everything can also feel generally unsatisfying so you want a written apology which he refuses to do, so this is probably what you need, but when he doesn't want to, is going to create another argument, although he may feel this could be used in a legal debate, well the fact that he has had an affair is already evidence.

    I'm so pleased you are going to marriage counselling but worried that you have children and now pregnant with another one.

    Have you thought about separating and by doing this may enable you to think clearer because with the two of you under the same roof maybe a problem, although I appreciate you may need additional support around the house.

    I feel your sorrow.

    Geoff.

  3. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9744 posts
    22 May 2019 in reply to Hello1232019

    Hi, welcome

    As much as I see your predicament and sympathise with it when someone requests/demands a "written apology " it can throw a spanner in the works if you want a solution.

    I dont know where your idea about a written apology came from, perhaps a family, common demand used often, but I'd suggest it is unusual and, well I wouldnt write one either.

    You as a couple have, however some deep soul searching to do. He has to convince you of his regrets and you have to forgive which will not be easy.

    Good luck.

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  4. IsaJett
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    IsaJett avatar
    231 posts
    22 May 2019 in reply to Hello1232019

    Hi Hello 1232019

    I got cheated on from husband 24 years in total ..affair went on for way too long before I found out . My advice is concentrate your efforts on yourself to save yourself . You cannot control what he does or does not do....let that go . I was beating myself up because of the crap he put me through . He cheated and things still had to go his way ...it was RIDICULOUS. So concentrate on loving yourself ...forget him as he too far gone stuck in his own head . I left the marriage after two years of putting myself through sheer hell . Because he never did as I hoped he would . He had an affair and had not thought about you .. what makes you think he would think about you now ?

    I was exactly in your position and I just wish I knew then what I know now. It would have saved me a lot of pain . Whatever the outcome of the marriage after the affair is irrelevant I have found ... what is crucial is you now put yourself first.

    Let the pain go my friend ...trying to control what he does or not do will cause you more distress . Just remember that come what may ...you will do just fine ...with or without him ....because you put yourself first . You might not think that know ...but know that you will be fine . You are way stronger than you think .

    Stay well and keep posting . It is painful I’m sure ...but the pain will dissipate if you choose to let the pain go . So choose to let it go .

    Easier said than done I know but it can be done .

    I tried hot yoga and it grounded me in the best possible way .

    Also try listening to Jason Stephenson Mediatation video - Let go ..to get some sleep.

    Just search it on youtube account .

    I hope all these would help you as it did me .

    Promise me you take care of yourself and give yourself the love you deserve ...it is within you ;-)

    Please keep posting .

  5. Billyc
    Billyc  avatar
    220 posts
    22 May 2019 in reply to Hello1232019

    Hi hello,

    Welcome,

    I’m sorry for what has happened with you and your relationship.

    I imagine you have invested a great deal into your relationship, and find out about your husband being with another woman would break your heart.

    To the best of my knowledge, this forum is about you, and you alone.

    its a safe place to express yourself freely and get support in challenging times. I can’t say much about your relationship, what I can say is you deserve to be treated with respect, relationships are very hard to handle at the best of times.. it helps to define boundaries and know what is and isn’t acceptable in a relationship for yourself.

    I hope this helps, just know your not alone, keep us involved in how your getting along..it’s a pretty cool community here,

    best

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