Hi

This is my first time here. I have anxiety, sometimes I don't know the trigger, it could be making a mistake, or talking, I have zero belief in myself and usually think I'm bad.

At work, I apologize too much and always think (or perhaps I do) say stupid things (well the sarcastic comments tell me it is) and I feel pathetic for being too sensitive.

Recently I'm gotten so upset that I cry, mainly from frustration, which isn't right, I shouldn't because it's a minor thing, especially with the world Iike it is, but there it is.

I have been trying meditation and all that but still the negative thoughts come, sometimes my thoughts go to the negative about work people which I am horrified by, they haven't done anything.

I am trying to be grateful and when my mind goes to the negative I feel bad because I'm complaining and so the cycle goes around.

I'm nearly 38 and I have everything you need to be happy but I'm not.

I have thought about suicide, I feel like a waste of a person on this earth, I don't do anything.

Also too I feel like a drama queen for overreacting over small things which shouldn't matter, especially when others have had it worse, why do I feel like this, I've had a good lucky life!!!

Thanks for reading this,

Hi JacintaMarie

I do the same, get lot's of negative thoughts and then feel really guilty for having them. Maybe you're having negative thoughts about people at work due to something that's happened at work, maybe the sarcasm? Maybe there is a reason behind it.

For me a lot of anxiety, angst and negativity that I get from work is due to a lack of assertiveness and a fear of confrontation. I find it difficult to speak my mind, be firm and assertive in a respectful and friendly way. I usually let people get the better of me and I struggle with confidence in the workplace so I know how you feel.

I don't know if it would help but maybe try reflecting or thinking about what you think is causing the negative thoughts and everything.

reminds me of "Survivors Pts"

look it up & see if u can understand for u

Hi,

It has taken me a long time with and sessions with my psychologist to get to a point where I am starting to cope. In your final post you mentioned "trivial things". For myself it could be argued I'm similar. There were things that happened in highschool that were not pleasant, issues with parents during teen years. I am a bit of a perfectionist. When I came to the cognitive distortions I ticked all the boxes. There came a point when all the trivial things made me think of suicide as well.

I would describe it as my soul having a shield. Some might use a bucket filling with water. Anyway, each time something happened, the shield takes a hit. It can get repaired but not quite the same as before - a little weaker. Over our life the shield gets hits more and more and weakens slightly each time. Until one time when what is seemingly a small hit does a great deal of damage.

There are many thing that I had to do ... from what to do before sleep, to not drinking coffee after 4, challenging my thoughts plus many other things.

You might feel you are a waste but remember that is mind being cruel to you. I am sure you have many talents - the negative thoughts crush these - at least that is how it felt for me.

Tim

Hi Tim,

Thanks for that, I liked the bit about the soul being a shield, each time your hit, it weakens a bit.

I am still learning what I have to do, sometimes I feel like I need to go through the anxiety until I'm exhausted by it than it goes away.

Your post was helpful.

Thanks for your kind words. I have said to my psychologist that my problems were "first world problems" for many reason and it was seemingly nothing on the surface to account for my thoughts and feelings. Yet for me there were things that happened in high school, family, leaving home that chip away at how we see ourselves. So it was a slow burn for me until recently - the last shot that went through.

do you have any distractions and coping mechanisms?

Hi Tim

I've been trying to list all the things I'm grateful for and I also tell my negative thoughts to go away (in private of course).

At times I do feel like it's "first world problems", there are people who are worse and I'm clogging up the system!

At work they probably think I'm pathetic, I've recently found out a colleague's daughter has depression, which makes me worse, she's seen some horrible stuff. I have told someone at work but they seem like they don't believe me and I wish I never mentioned it.

I'm trying to distract myself with stuff but sometimes just going through it till I'm tired or venting it is good.

But thanks for your kind thoughts too.

Hi

Today it's been a struggle, had depressing thoughts most of the day. Been trying to tell myself I'm having a moment.

Just sick of the thoughts in my head, of my self pity & negative & self absorption.

I didn't talk much at work and when I did, I said stupid things & dumb things.

I hate these thoughts and I hate not being positive & I hate having stupid opinions that people end up looking at me as if I'm an idiot, though this is what my head is saying.

Hi Mocha delight

Thanks for that & you can talk to me. Today was a bit better though people's sarcastic comments can be a trigger! I know I shouldn't feel pathetic over it but I do, 38 years & still feeling like it.

How was your day!

I hope I can stop feeling like this!

Hi JacintaMarie I’m ok today I’m 31 oh and I made a appointment with a psychologist today it’ll be my first one ie as I may be on antidepressants but I’m not officially been diagnosed with depression yet.

Hi Mocha delight

Hope your psychologist appointment goes well!

Hi Smallwolf

Yes, unfortunately I think sarcasm is a trigger, it's pathetic I know, need to be stronger. How are you?

Some days are good and some are bad, today at work I feel like I'm boring, because I don't have many light hearted moments or laugh much, I think I am boring.

Sorry I don't know why my brain can still think of these thoughts , it just doesn't seem to end. It might be hormonal, & the world has so many worse things rather than my pitiful worries.

Hi

Had another day of negative thoughts. I tried to keep quiet and that did worked, unfortunately when I spoke I think I said the wrong thing.

I mostly always say or do the wrong thing, so sick and tired of saying the wrong thing, so annoyed with me.

So much better when I'm silent! Thanks for letting me vent.

Hello JacintaMarie and those above me, negative thoughts can keep us locked into any type of MI, and what we say in conjunction with how we are feeling we believe is wrong because that's this disease controlling us.

Geoff.

Hi JacintaMarie

My heart truly goes out to you as you face the challenge of what it means to be sensitive.

I believe, until we learn the many benefits to being sensitive, it can feel more like a curse than a gift. Until we come to understand why we're so sensitive, we can be left beating ourselves up for not being 'tough enough'.

• Do you have the ability to pick up on the insensitive nature of others? Does this come easily to you?
• Do you have the ability to determine a very natural type of person from someone who's an egotist?
• Do you have the ability to know when others can't relate to what you're saying, when they can't mentally process where you're coming from (based on a comment you've made or an action you've taken)? For example, you may have apologised for having made an error in judgement at work. Being deeply thoughtful, you may have thought deeply about the need to apologise/show consideration. Others, under similar circumstances, may have thoughtlessly overlooked making an apology for an error in judgement. Thoughtless people will have trouble relating to your thoughtfulness. They may even misinterpret your apology as a weakness. Being deeply thoughtful is actually a strength some simply can't relate to. Thoughtfulness is an indication of higher consciousness
• Do you have the ability to express relevant things that come to mind but you find others may label them as strange or ridiculous, rather than relevant? They'd prefer to ridicule what you say rather than give further thought
• Do you have the ability to tune into inspiration? I've heard people ask many times 'How do you determine the difference between inspiration/intuition and ego?' In other words, how to you learn to trust yourself? Plenty of people may have heard the words play in their mind 'You can't keep going on like this' (aka inspiration). If they are living a painful life, this would be true. Long term pain eventually becomes intolerable. So, the question then becomes 'How to manage making a difference?' Was it inspiration which led you to Beyond Blue, a place where people are deeply thoughtful and can relate?
• Do you have the ability to feel what is degrading and what is uplifting? How does your body feel (physical emotion) when you are brought down, compared to when you sense yourself being raised? Could you say you're able to sense someone who degrades and someone who naturally raises others?

How many folk do you know who have these sensitive abilities?

:)

Hi the rising,

Thanks for your post, I am sensitive but sometimes I'm too sensitive. I cry at things I shouldn't cry over.

I feel like I'm wasting Beyond blue time, there are other people with worse problems than me & I can't stop the negative thoughts!

Thank you for being here, for a place to come and not be judgemental about what we say. Thank you,

I know I need to do it myself but when I "fail" and react like I do I hate myself.

I feel l so self asphorbed and egotistical being like this,

And I'm being self pity & I shouldn't & I should snap out of it.

End of vent

Jacinta

Thanks Geoff

Thanks for your comment, and your kind words.

Hi JacintaMarie

It's never a waste of anyone's time when we're searching for positive direction and it's never a waste of anyone's time when we're seeking constructive support of some nature. You're definitely not wasting anyone's time by coming here to Beyond Blue.

When you hear about the incredible traumas people face, which they need support through, there is always the temptation to think that you're less important or your challenge is not worth the attention. Not true. Any potentially soul destroying challenge deserves attention. Whatever it is that leads us toward the depths of depression requires attention.

Wondering if you can pinpoint who or what led you to low self-esteem. Could have been more than one person or one particular issue. Can you pick when or how this started? If it's any help to know, for me low self-esteem was a result of always searching for 'acceptance'. With a distorted sense of value, rejection or ridicule always confirmed my reasons for hating myself. I always felt worth less than what I was truly worth.

That sense of performance (whether we're performing to the 'right' standards) is very much ego based and an incredibly hard habit to get out of, when we've learned regular self assessment. A lot of it's really programmed into us. Often, we're not fully aware to what degree. When you think about it, you were probably made a fuss of when you uttered your 1st word, when you took your 1st step in life, when your school reports came in, how often you pleased people and so on. A lot of performance, hey. Even with social influences or media influences, they can have us asking 'Do I look good enough? Do I dress well enough? Do I integrate into society in an acceptable way or am I 'a freak'?' The list goes on and we wonder why we're grading or should I say degrading our self. So, if a lot of what we're identifying with feeds our identity, before we know it we may have taken on the identity of 'performer'. 'Am I failing in how I perform?' becomes a question that feeds the ego, keeping it alive when, in reality, we wish it would just shut the heck up in the way it may be torturing us.

I find, if I accept a challenge, technically I've not failed. Even it things don't work out the way I imagined, it becomes a learning experience through which I can better myself. There is freedom involved in not allowing our self to be graded by others, breaking that habit. 'Measuring up' can definitely be time consuming and depressing.

:)

Hi The rising

I'm not sure when my low self esteem hit, I think my whole life, it's my brain and when I do something not right, I go too fast or I make a mistake that's when it hits, even when I do something good and get a good mark, I don't believe it.

Part is society, as you look around & everyone needs to do the right thing to fit in, you don't fit in & your out, in the caveman times if people didn't fit in, you were "chucked" out of society, though nowadays you can't do that as much, people need to survive or you get put gaol.

I think that's my fear, not accepting myself for my "weirdness". Of doing the wrong thing, yesterday on the phone I was on for a long time and I forgot to wipe the phone of my makeup! I did wipe it after being told.

Another fear is saying something stupid and the consequences of that, though as an example, look at Donald Trump, he constantly says stupid things & people are always wanting him to be more smart. At the end of the day he doesn't care what anyone says, not that I like him mind, I hope he gets voted out.

I'm turning into a miserable gut, though I have everything to be happy, I have a job, a house, my health, everything you could want! Just have a low self esteem and shyness, in public I can't seem to come out of my shell. Isn't that what society wants, for fun people, people to make light, jokes, they don't want a "boring" person.

Yes, I do need to be more accepting of myself

And I'm being self pity again.

Thank you

Hi JacintaMarie

Donald Trump generally makes me laugh. Cannot help but think 'Where's that man's filter?' He could not care less a lot of the time. Sometimes he's a little too careless and I believe this will perhaps be is undoing.

So, how to care less? It's definitely skillful. I know that might sound a little strange, referring to caring less as a skill. I believe such a skill involves unlearning some of our conditioning. When we're raised to care about how presentable we are when we walk out of the house, when we're raised to not trigger people to discomfort, when we're raised to feel guilt on a variety of levels, learning to care less can definitely involve letting go of some deeply ingrained beliefs. It's only in the last year or so that I've managed to wear my pjs and dressing gown whilst going through the McDonald's drive through, without worrying about what the attendants would think of me. Crazy, hey. How did I manage? I taught myself to care less through wonder.

Wonder has given me the ability to stop thinking so much:

• I wonder if I can go through the drive through dressed like this, without thinking my way out of it. Bamm, done!
• I wonder if I can openly communicate with my husband, without thinking about how I might trigger him to be annoyed with me. I'm getting good at this. I no longer care if he gets annoyed. I used to stress about him getting annoyed and therefor would just bottle things up
• I wonder what it would be like to be my natural self who loves all that natural or spiritual side of life. I wonder what would happen if I didn't care about the opinions of those who refuse to relate or see the incredible benefits the natural side of life hold. I wonder why those who call me 'weird' can't see the benefits of the life I choose to live. I've become more feeling, more sensitive and more in love with myself and life because I think less about the opinions of others
• I wonder what the issue is with the person or the people who might criticise me. Such wondering leads me to understand them on a more conscious level. I couldn't do this if I was instead thinking 'What's wrong with me?'

Must admit, I'm jam packed with wonder these days. By the way, I couldn't help but wonder how easily triggered I could make someone if I left make-up on the phone. Yes, I'm a bit of a trouble maker at times. I like to mess/have fun with super judgey people. They tend to take themselves so seriously, often as they degrade others.

Do you ever wonder 'What if...?'

:)

Hi the rising

There's some good points, I have tried the wonder, sometimes it works and other times it doesn't! And when it doesn't it triggers me again.

I have been wiping the phone to clean the makeup off! 😃

I carried some books, 5 or 6 from the returns trolley that I thought I could carry, I judged I could do it, but I judged wrong, I got told are you alright with that and I said yes, I can manage, my worry did start again, I thought oh no I've done it again. I know it's caring, they don't want me to hurt myself, but at the same time I do know my limit of what I can carry.

Sometimes I think I have the compulsion to do the opposite of what your told, I don't know why, it's something inside me, I am annoyed at myself for being told off, I know when I'm old I won't be able to do it, as my strength will be gone and my muscles will weaken so my logic tells me, make the most of my ability when young.

I just get annoyed with myself for doing that or "failing" again,

I do look up on Google, about am I a drama queen which I now know I shouldn't and have realized that even if you are a drama queen, that is who you are, you can't help it and you'll change when you do.

Donald Trump is very funny, you do have to laugh at how he behaves, he's so predictable & the sad thing is that I think he genuinely believes he's doing the right thing! I pity him the way he thinks and acts, he looks so out of his depth when you compare him to other leaders, I think he's hidden his insecurities so well he believes his own hype

So goes my journey

Hi JacintaMarie

I find the wonder aspect works one way or another. It's basically a way of getting to know our self a little better.

At work, I tend to be one of the slower workers. I think it's because I'm so careful plus I tend to be naturally relaxed even though the work is go, go, go. Every shift (even tonight), I wonder if I can get a little bit faster. Usually the answer is 'No' but that's okay, I can live with it. I never give up hope though.

Sometimes I wonder if I can manage caring a little less about others opinions of me. Sometimes I can care less but sometimes I'm triggered to super sensitivity. Depends on my mood, the person triggering me and a variety of factors. If I care too much about something I shouldn't let get to me, I'll ask myself the questions 'Why do I care so much?' and 'How can I manage this better next time?'

Our limits and abilities, will vary under the circumstances. If you say to yourself 'Under the circumstances...' this can be a way of being kinder to yourself. If you're lacking in energy, for example, under the circumstances it's going to be harder to manage certain things in life than it would be if you had loads of energy. If you're working on raising your self-esteem, under the circumstances it might take a bit of practice to begin feeling the benefits of growing confidence. Starting off on such a journey will definitely present challenges.

As you come to know yourself on a more conscious level, under the circumstances expect there to be a lot of questions. You may be facing questions such as

• Am I really a drama queen?
• Why am I so sensitive, so easily triggered?
• Why are people so thoughtless at times?
• Why can't I easily find answers to all my questions?

My sound strange but I'm wondering if you're a bit of a daydreamer. If you are, that's good. Daydreaming leads our brain into a naturally relaxed state. Personally, I find that when I have a significant question or lot of questions in my life, I'll relax my mind to the point where I'm kinda daydreamy. Typically inspiration will come in, as an answer to a question. If you can perhaps recall a time where you were wondering about the answer to something when, bamm, the answer came to you from out of nowhere. It's like that. You may have even thought 'Wow, that's brilliant! Where did that come from?'

I know, sounds a little weird when I say instead of thinking our way to solutions, we can relax our way to receiving inspiration, without thinking. See what comes to you.

:)

Hi the rising

Thanks, I'll try that, I am a bit of a daydreamer.

The thoughts seem so real, I get told one thing than when I go to work it becomes the opposite (to me) & I always end up blaming myself, it seems like I'm the only one that makes mistakes, no one else does.

I'm having the negative thoughts again & they do seem real, they say I'm a bad worker, I'm never right, even though I thought I always tried to admit I was wrong.

Also too, the way the world is, you can't discuss anything any more, we all have to be careful about what we say, which is what I want to do, I don't want to say something offensive. I think talking is a trigger, I'm constantly worried I'm going to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, plus too all my ideas at work are bad ideas, I seem to just complicate things,hence another reason I don't talk much.

Sorry, having another rant. My image of myself is very negative but I'll try to do the under the circumstances.