Hi

Yesterday I had a good day & this morning was good until the thoughts came back again, of all the stupid things I've done.

I'm trying to distract myself, the biggest mistake I have made is lifting stuff that is too heavy for me, I get annoyed with myself when I forget a trolley & get annoyed when someone at work "scolds" me for not taking it. Believe me, I hate myself for doing that.

That's my trigger, when I want to do the right thing & my stupid brain does that, I am an idiot. Luckily I have not had a osh incident, touch wood, I tell myself I'm going to do the right thing & the next thing, what happens! 😂 I don't do it, ah I mentally hit myself!

I am trying to be more positive & that means I have to not think of the negative thoughts.

Working on it again.

Hi JacintaMarie

I'm an absolute shocker at work with one particular task especially. I work in aged care and this particular task I mention involves me setting up the afternoon tea trolleys for the girls to take out to the residents. There is almost always something I forget to put on those trolleys. These days I amuse myself by asking them 'Okay, see if you can pick what I've forgotten'. Been working in this role for 2 years. You'd think I would have worked the kinks out by now. Asked myself the other day 'Why do I always do the same thing?' It was either divine inspiration or the logical side of brain that said 'You're not managing strategically'. Correct. Every time I'm faced with the same task I think 'Okay, that seems fine' I'm omitting to construct a plan that I need to follow, a mental check list to stick to. So, you could say lifting those boxes simply indicates you've gone off plan. Figuring out how to easily stick to the plan is the challenge. Maybe the plan could involve you saying to yourself 'I cannot carry out this task without a trolley'. It becomes a firm directive you give yourself. If something pops into your head that says 'It'll be faster without the trolley', you could say to yourself 'That is not part of the plan'. I know, it's not always that easy to break a habit. Practice is what breaks a habit. You could even say 'I'm going to practice using the trolley every time'. Often we can find ways to manipulate our own brain. When we ordain it the servant as opposed to the master, we begin to reform our relationship with our brain, giving it conscious direction.

I'd love to know what your ideas are at work. I bet they're brilliant. You don't have to elaborate if you don't want, no probs. We can easily be led to doubt our self when we're surrounded by people who don't recognise natural brilliance. All it takes is for one person to step in and say 'That's brilliant' and then go on to justify why they believe it to be so. You can even be left thinking 'Wow, that is actually pretty amazing. I never fully realised until that person pointed out all the reasons why'.

You last signed off with 'working on it again'. We are all definitely a work in progress. Being a conscious work in progress, always working on becoming the best version of yourself, is what sets you apart from others. Many will see nothing about themselves that needs changing. Such folk are not so conscious. Those who grow the most are often those who are most humble.

:)

Hi Mocha

You fixed it though & your doing a brilliant thing in going to the psychogist.

Hi the rising

So what are you going to do so you don't forget the item for the tea trolley. 😃

I'll try to do it, the main thing is that I really don't want someone to go off at me, I'm tired of hearing their tone. I'm the only one who they aren't nice too (though the state of my mental health isn't a good judge)

And my ideas at work are bad, trust me, they are too complicated & long & hard. You hear about quiet people having brilliant ideas, but not me!

Ah, I'm supposed to be trying to be positive about myself, but my brain is just so used to being negative that I can't see anything good.

I have a feeling the people at work would just say snap out of it, my problems are trivial.

Thanks the rising for writing to me, I'll try not to be so down. I do wish I would hurry up & get it though, to do the right thing.

Hi JacintaMarie

I believe the best way to go is to memorise what's meant to be on those trolleys, so when I stand back on completion, I can allow my brain to make sense of what's missing. A bit like working out what's missing from the snapshot in my head. I'll give it a go anyhow.

I work with a wonderful lady who pulled me up on a bad habit I have. She said 'You have this terrible habit of saying how bad your memory is. You need to stop telling yourself that and start telling yourself your memory is good. When you remember things, you have to congratulate yourself every time'. She's right. Telling myself how bad it is becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. It's kinda like 'You're memory is bad, don't forget this!', which is amusing in a way when you think about it; one thing I can always remember is how bad my ability to remember is :)

JM, our work environment can play a major role in regard to our self-esteem. Working in the care industry, 99.9% of the people I work with are deeply caring people. We all bring out the best in each other. After over a decade of being a stay at home mum, I re-entered the workforce just over a couple of years ago. I had virtually zero confidence and my work colleagues have raised me thoughtfully and with great support to greater confidence. Incredibly reassuring people. So, the question might be, for you, 'Am I in the most nurturing and supportive environment when it comes to raising my self-esteem?' The people around us can play a major role in how we perceive our self.

You mention your ideas are complicated which leads me to wonder whether you hold some ability in working out complex things. You might say 'I can't do that. I don't have the ability to see the intricacies of things' yet I easily imagine you might. If you've ever been led to think, when looking at an object/situation/person 'I wonder how that/he/she works', you're naturally wonderful. Playing 'follow the leader', if we follow the lead of wonder, it can lead us to study exactly how something or someone works. I'm often wondering how I work, as a rather quirky person, some might say. I always seek answers when it comes to knowing myself better. We are complex creatures JM!

Do you ever wonder how or why you work the way you do? I remember low self-esteem and depression well and I recall how easy it can be to led to statements, as opposed to wonder. Replacing 'I am hopeless!' with 'I wonder why and how I am led to hope less' turns us into a curious detective.

:)

Hi The Rising

Thanks for the positive feedback, my ideas, I seem not to make them complicated & not simple.

Today was okay, had some negative thoughts but managed to get busy & they went away, they seem real, if someone at work is in a bad/grumpy mood, I always seem to know the wrong time to speak, Murphy's Law.

I read an article that the more stressed or anxious you get, the more your brain loses cognitive. That does explain a lot 😂

I hope you do well with the trolley, I hope I can get better & learn to float past the thoughts

I'm not sure if I am not in a caring environment, my thoughts are so negative that my perspective sees the negetive, so I just see the bad so I can't say for sure. It is moody though, people are constantly either in a good mood or bad mood. There are no in between.

Hi again

A other moan from me again, sorry, had another trigger moment. I ended up talking (when I don't want to,) and I said something silly, I won't repeat in case I offend someone.

What I will say is that, I was talking about what offends people & in a book I'm reading the character didn't like being called a doll, funnily enough I don't mind, I feel like I'm in a minority, it seems like most females don't like being called this & I'm one of the last who don't mind it (of course not in a malicious way,) I mean in a nice way. When I say to people I don't mind, I think they are looking at me funnily, I always say the wrong thing or I get the context wrong.

This could just be my negative thoughts or I am an idiot who still doesn't get the world & I should I'm 38,

Ah, just when I'm getting there, my trigger hits...

I do find it hard to be kind to me.

Thanks Beyond Blue for letting me rant, I'm trying to get there.

Hi,

Recently I have been feeling profoundly overwhelmed about everything, more specifically about myself and my life.

In approximately 6 weeks, I will be sitting my HSC, which I am not looking forward to, as I fear I will fail. Needless to say, I have this repetitive voice in my subconscious mind telling me I am not enough and I am too vacuous for anything. I do not have any confidence or belief in myself what so ever.

But I am willing to accept any suggestions in regards to mental health or even self doubt.

My apologies for the negativity

Hello JacintaMarie..

Definitely no you are not an idiot at all...

People are funny like that..looking at us in a funny way if they don’t agree or understand why others think differently from them... You’re opinion / thoughts do matter even if it’s not what they wanted to hear..it doesn’t mean you’re saying the wrong thing or got the context wrong..It just means your thoughts/opinions are different then them...Please don’t be so hard on yourself...

Being kind to ourself is something we all should do everyday...taking even 5 minutes out of your day to do something you like to do...sitting outside, reading a good book, sipping on a cold drink while listening to some nice music...just little things we do for yourself can make a big difference in your day..

My kindest thoughts with care dear JacintaMarie..

Grandy..

Hi JacintaMarie

It takes a fair bit to offend me these days, so I imagine what you'd said would interest me more than offend me.

Yes, the world is going somewhat insane; you have to be so careful when it comes to watching what you say. Had a conversation with my 17yo daughter the other week which ended up being quite amusing. Both her and I are deeply considerate regarding people's choices or preferences in life as long as no harm is being done to anyone or nobody is being taken advantage of. Anyhow...she said that it's driving her and her friend crazy, having to watch they don't offend anyone. They have pals who have gender preferences outside the square so it is a challenge for her and her friend to be extra careful in this case. She said 'This is all really getting to me. Mum, did you know there is now something called 'Bee gender'. Some people actually identify as bees'. What the? I do question why everyone is so hell bent on identifying themselves in so many different ways. I said 'I know, why don't you and your friend make up your own title. You can be a person with no identity. I know, this is still an identity. If you offend someone to the point where they become offensive and degrading you can then go on to accuse them of discriminating against you. Declare 'I am a NOID and you are offending me by labeling me'. My daughter smiled, 'I am annoyed'. I didn't even realise what I'd said before she'd pointed it out.

Being a 50yo gal, I've witnessed some questionable things over the years. I've seen innocent princess fairytales slammed, for leading people to see women as weak and dependent. I've seen people argue over the words 'mankind' vs 'humankind' and even 'Baa baa black sheep' or 'the black sheep of the family' declared discriminatory. Of course, I've also witnessed wonderful changes that were a long time coming such as highly offensive racist names being declared unacceptable and laws that have come to protect children from being abused in a number of ways that were once deemed acceptable.

We're always going to trigger someone JM. Someone's always going to have an issue with something that triggers them for some reason. Some people will have perfectly understandable reasons and some people are swept up in insanity, in my opinion. I believe if anyone is offended by the simple word 'doll', I would question it. I've heard self righteous feminists with the foulest of language vent in public forums (offensive behaviour...no matter the gender).

:)

Hi Grandy

Thanks for that, I am hard on myself, a trigger is making a mistake, the thoughts seem real & I'm very unkind to me, I hope I'm not with anyone else,

Reading your post I'm feeling better a bit, am calming down

The thing with anxiety is that I constantly need reassuring to let me know I'm okay, that I'm going okay. To other people this will get annoying for them & I hate being like that,but thanks for your kind words, I had a moment & have managed to calm myself

Hi Grapejuice

You will be alright, Its normal to feel like that but trust me all will be okay! 😃 I know it doesn't feel like that but it will, at the end of the day, all will work out.

Remember there are lots of different ways to live your life & if you do well great but if you don't, well look at the singer John Mayer, he didn't finish music college & look at him, he's a great singer. And Richard Branson, he didn't do too great at school I think& he's a millionaire, I hope I've made you feel better

Good 🍀 with the hsc,

Hi the rising

I did not know about bee gender! Well I learnt something new.

I had a trigger today, a mistake I made & got a bit upset tonight but have managed to calm down.

I found out about an anxiety book by Dr Claire Weekes called Self Help for your Nerves, so I'm going to read that & hope it works.

It would be nice to go to a psychologist but with the waiting list & money they charge, I think I'm best to do it myself.

I had a better day today apart from the silly unprofessional mistake I made. The worst is that I try too & even when I do I still make a mistake. But trying to be happy.

And I try not to offend anyone & be mindful,.

Hi JacintaMarie

You definitely should congratulate yourself for trying. The quest for greater consciousness ensures we evolve in a variety of ways. In some aspects of our life, progress will be quick, with instantaneous results. In some cases our progress will be so gradual that we may barely notice until the progress does becomes noticeable. Have faith that you will come to notice difference.

Progress doesn't always appear as something worth celebrating. Progress can actually appear depressing and gritty in some parts. Give you an example:

1. You spend a number of years being triggered by people's comments. It might be the occasional comment here and there to the point where you barely notice but, still, you're left feeling down
2. You progress to the stage where you become sensitive to more and more comments. You may begin to think 'What's wrong with me? Why am I so easily triggered these days?'
3. You progress to the point where you seriously begin to question yourself, more and more. You may wish you weren't so sensitive. Your sensitivity feels like curse. You can be left thinking 'I'll be stuck feeling so much, for the rest of my life. Why can't I just be like everyone else?'
4. You progress to the point of wondering what will make a difference because you can no longer tolerate things. You may become a bit of a detective at this point. You may discover the benefits of understanding and mastering a sensitive nervous system, understanding your body on an energetic level and you may find other people who are as sensitive as you. This can all become fascinating. The truth, in this case, is the difference is not experienced in changing yourself or in 'toughening up', it's experienced in better understanding yourself
5. You may progress to understand that whenever you feel a certain sensation in your body, this sensation is communicating something to you. What you once labeled 'a rise to anxiety', through your body, is something you now feel and label as 'a rise to courage'. To find courage, the natural course is to rise through fear and beyond it. When you're triggered to certain feelings through degradation, you may now recognise that as 'the feeling of connecting with someone who is degrading'
6. Now you have progressed to relying on your sensitivity to read people and situations. Your growing sensitivity is exactly what pushed you to better understand it as a gift
7. You realise your sensitivity (subtle energy shifts) is your compass, giving you a sense of direction.

:)

Hi the rising

That is right, it starts at one thing & processes.

This morning I had a ungrateful moment where I blamed work for my low esteem, which is wrong, I'm to blame and I told myself what work has done for me, a holiday, house, garden, car, food, clothes, mobile, good health etc.

I am ashamed that I thought that, my thoughts are getting back to normal, that I feel this way when I don't have a reason to feel like it, though it just is, you don't have to have a reason.

My parents keep on & have always told me I'm a good, nice person but I don't usually believe them, I don't do enough in the world to help, I just work & try to send money to charities when I can.

I guess another bit to go before I'm better.

Thank you the rising

Hi again

This afternoon my brain had a unreasonable thought where I assumed & turned out I was wrong.

Feel such an idiot, thought I had a reasonable logical brain but thoughts keep on floating in my brain.

I have been trying to do the Dr Claire Weekes thing, face, accept, float, let time pass.

Yesterday I apologized to a lady at work who had "told me" off for lifting too heavy an item, by email & she replied that's okay & said she didn't need to "tell me" off, such a fool😌

I have apologized inside my head to the person I assumed wrong. I have been unfair to them. So tired of these thoughts, they feel real & right.

Want my logic to come back or am I'm being too hard on myself

Thank you Beyond Blue for being here & not telling me to "pull up my socks"

Hi Grapejuice. So much emphasis is put on HSC that it can just seem so overwhelming. All you can do is your best at that time. Some days you'll be amazing, others, not so much, but that's ok. That's how MH works. Just acknowledge that on that day, you did the best you could do.

I didn't do well at school and was always told that I wasn't going to amount to much at all ( in fact, many teachers and friends said just as much-it was kind of a running joke). After a while I believed them. But you know what, once I got out of the "school environment" and into a more "mature environment" things got better, and started to turn around. Today, I still battle with mental health but am successful in my life, relationships and career.

Just do what you can do and sit comfortably with this; don't get down on yourself or beat yourself up if you don't achieve the results you're after. Celebrate the fact that your sitting your exams, as there are many that don't have the courage to do this. But you do. HSC isn't the be all and end all and it certainly doesn't define who you are.

Good luck and keep us updated with your progress.

Cheers,

The_Obs.