Good morning
I have read posts on this forum over the years but I never signed up. Today, I decided to sign up so I could start posting. 
I suffer with depression and anxiety relating to trauma. I still struggle. I have been engaged in psychotherapy for several years.
I, and my psychologist, believe that most of my problems stem from childhood abuse in addition to the early parental loss. Also, life challenges such as career setbacks have made my illness more difficult to manage at times. 
I wanted to start posting as I think connection may be helpful for myself and others.

Good morning :)

Welcome to the forums! I'm glad that you've made the step to sign up.

You've mentioned that you've been engaged in long-term psychotherapy with your psychologist. I'm glad to hear that you're receiving care for the grief and abuse that you've experienced. It sounds like you have a really impactful story to share here about recovery and your mental health struggles.

Please always know that the forums are a safe, judgement free space for you to share. We're all here to listen to you and make sure you feel heard, understood and validated for whatever it is you want to let off your chest.

I'm looking forward to seeing you around on here. I hope you're taking care of yourself. <3

Hello ero-thanatos,

Welcome to the forums! We are so happy to have you here and you are always welcome to talk.

It seems that you have taken big steps in your mental health journey and I just want to say a big congratulations for making it so far! The fact that you are still here and talking about it is a big success! Remember that it is not important to base our self-wroth on our career achievements but rather our actions and treatment of other people. You sound like a lovely person and by everything you have said I would say you are a successful person, despite your mental health problems.

Keep fighting the fight! Here to talk whenever you need :)

Hi Eros-thanatos,

So glad that you've signed up.

While you and your psychologist keep putting a lost of efforts to improve your long-term mental health, are you also taking care yourself physically? Cause these two aspects are connected and mutually impacted. Including, eating health food, spending time in nature, ensuring enough sleep, seeing your GP if you're physically unwell, etc.

Also, persist in aerobic exercise will play a good chemical reaction, running, cycling, swimming, etc.

Mark

Hello and welcome to the beyond blue forums. It might have taken the you a while to post but you now have which takes courage! And the responses have been supportive. It is sad to read what you went through in your childhood years. Can I ask how you have been going with your psychologist?

The one thing that struck out at me was the knock-on effect re Uni studies. I won't tell my story except that in one session I had with own psychologist was that I found positives in my own journey and other qualities. I know when I feel low finding positives is hard. I even wrote a letter to my younger self.

I hope you will come back and chat some more. Curious to find out more about you.

Hello Eros_thanatos, I always like to start by welcoming new members to the forums because it must take time to decide whether or not a comment made by themselves should be posted as it does take much pondering.

You have struggled through a lot to be here with us and we feel so sorry that all of this has happened and hope by talking with us will provide some strength to come back to us.

Geoff.

Hi there,

Welcome to the forums, glad to have you with us! :)

I hope you find this to be a safe place, we are all here to support and help you.

I am sorry you have experienced trauma and loss in your life. But here you are not alone.

Jaz.

Hi Everyone

Thank you for your letters. I hope to reply to them individually.
To avoid confusion, I have changed my Avatar to Growing Violet . It's the same me 😊. I just felt the new name was a bit more inspiring 🌷

Also, to avoid confusion – my introductory post has been slightly edited. My post was initially a draft where I included a lot more detail. I only realised I actually clicked post when I checked the Beyond Blue feed yesterday 😶🙃.

Then the shame/anxiety/quasi denial kicked in. I reached out to the moderator to omit some of the details which I didn't feel comfortable disclosing. They kindly allowed some minor editing of the deets.

Unbelievable. After years of hard therapeutic work - I still get shocked at the details of my own story. I also experience this when I access my medical records. For example, when I read a copy of my Doctor's referral.
That's part of my story ? I went through that? I have to remind myself often – I, too, am an early survivor of sexual assault. I also have to remind myself that my symptoms make complete sense in that context and the cause-effect relationship of those experiences. But I don't really want to have to. I think, like some survivors, I don't want these to be my experiences so I swing between attempting to forget - moving on - to being confronted again.

Just thought I'd share my initial reluctance in posting and my feelings around reading part of my story.

Hello Growing Violet, if you want to forget these previous experiences then you'll need help on how you can stop them from annoying you.

You will also have to know what trigger points can begin these awful thoughts, so write them down so your doctor/therapist can discuss ways you can avoid them from happening.

Geoff.

welcome back!

What has happened to you is part of your story - whether it is the referral or counselling or ???

it is OK if there are details there that you do not want to share. They may not be important, or you might not be ready to share that part or some other reason. There can be a fine line in working out what to disclose vs not.

And not sure where you are at with your therapeutic journey but hope you are doing OK.

what sort of work are you doing?

Hi Growing Violet

I can relate with you on wanting to edit out experiences that can define you. I too put great effort in moving forward being strong and determined to now finding myself bogged down by everything I worked so hard on. There was a lot of survivors talk being bandied about several years ago. Not a victim a survivor blah blah. I think it put too much pressure on us to say I’m ok I’m doing better. It set time limits on healing.
im super annoyed by referral letters these days they are not drafted they are downloaded from your medical records and it grabs everything. I feel motivated by your post to tell my dr that I want that irrelevant stuff removed. Why would a psychiatrist need to know if I had a broken toe in 2008 there’s some stuff I don’t want shared.

Hello Growing Violets,

You stir up my emotions that's - okay, now. Once upon a time it would not have been at all acceptable to me, but after many years I can sit with these emotions.

I understand how confronting it is to see, events of our lives all gathered up & summarised, for someone else to see, & for you, to be in the form of the referral included in your medical record.

I remember , when I realised cursory references were made to my 'personal' issues were included in referrals to an Ophthalmologist, & someone else I can't remember, & feeling really exposed, & thinking, what do they need to know that for?

Other times, just thinking how my life & how experiences have effected me can be summed up in a few lines also feels sort of insulting. Like, "What that's all you've got to say? I can, write, much more than what this says. Where am I in these few words? " I feel I get lost in the way reports & referrals are written. It is, after all, just the paperwork.

*

I find it difficult, still, to take in the whole picture. Even sitting here on my own, taking each bit & trying to place things in a timeline, it seems everything can't fit.

& I don't want this stuff to be what defines me. I don't like the labels or diagnosis either. They have their uses for getting relevant treatment. Beyond that, they feel restrictive, like fencing off an area around me & telling me I must fit within, because anything hanging out will be lopped off.

It was a big deal to be honest with myself, to have been able to write & imagine people reading, & I can deal with my discomfort, & I think, they with theirs. I do not want to be told I can't say this, or that, which is too close to what I was told when I was a child.

So now, although I try to tidy up my writing, I do not like to edit the content of what I want to say, or how I express it. I don't want to be telling myself, "you can't say that".

(& then I go & delete a little of what I just wrote, again. It just seemed too much. )

*

I'm not sure if what I've written is of any use,, to you or anyone else reading, but I hope so.
I hope we will talk some more.
mmMekitty

Hi Growing Violet,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out here. It is great that you decided to come here, hopefully you find the forums helpful and you can make new friends on here. Hopefully you feel welcome and safe to post how you feel on here. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with anxiety and depression, I can imagine the pandemic hasn't made it any easier for you. It sounds like you have had a really tough childhood due to the loss of your parent and abuse, I'm sorry you had to go through that. It is great that your psychologist is helping you through all of it and hopefully you can see improvement soon. Setbacks in life can be challenging and they can sometimes take a toll on you. The best approach to setbacks is to keep moving on, at the time it is very difficult to do so, but the more you continue moving on the more resilient you will become and won't be affected as much by any setbacks. It is good that you have self awareness of your past and why you react in specific ways, this can help you grow and hopefully overcome new challenges. With these constant changes we are subjected to, all we can do is our best in every situation and things will always fall into place. Hope this helps.