You sound seriously overwhelmed. My heart truly goes out to you. I empathise with how dark the darkest of places can feel.
I know this is going to sound so incredibly cliche but it all comes up for a reason. Living with long term dis-ease is something we naturally can't tolerate. The need to vent can sometimes become almost explosive to the point where it can being doing our head in. I can imagine you just want to scream your lungs out right now.
Please feel free to vent any way you feel the need to. Here to listen.