Recently I have separated from my wife of 5 years, 2 months after the birth of our first child, and getting out of an emotionally, financially and physically abusive relationship... I am obviously mentally struggling, having struggled with PTSD, Depression and Anxiety...
I am writing this because I can no longer find the words to verbally describe how I feel, the events of the past 2 months have left me
absolutely gutted and though in recent months I have found some comfort in the calm of escaping my past life, I have also found loneliness in the solitude, I have
discovered the impacts my previous relationship had actually had on me and have
come to the stark realisation…I guess I always had felt alone and that the
reality is not much has changed… except one thing, one brutally painful and
sickening thing…. I desperately miss my son.
There is an old saying things are always darkest before the
dawn… but what happens when as the sun rises you catch a glimpse of the path
behind, littered with the corpses of poor decisions, ill conceived ideals and
regret, and as you cast your eyes to the road ahead there is nothingness, just
emptiness and the complete sense of utter dread, in side just the feeling of a
bottomless void, like that feeling of a hypnic jerk before sleep, a perpetual
sense of falling…
There has been a thought that constantly circled through my
head, an inner monologue asking “where did things go wrong?” answered with
another even more elusive question “was it ever right?”. There is no yes or no,
nor an exact moment, it simply is…or at least was. It is far easier in moments
like this, to only see the negative in any given situation, but there are no
negatives or positives, simple instances now suspended in time and memory slowly
fading off into the distance. Ahead is the unknown, something I have always found
unsettling, the sense of feeling lost but relentlessly stumbling forward driven
by nothing but hope.