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Forums / Welcome and orientation / New to this and a bit lost

Topic: New to this and a bit lost

2 posts, 0 answered
  1. Lost Rabbit
    Lost Rabbit avatar
    1 posts
    16 October 2020

    Hello All,

    Recently I have separated from my wife of 5 years, 2 months after the birth of our first child, and getting out of an emotionally, financially and physically abusive relationship... I am obviously mentally struggling, having struggled with PTSD, Depression and Anxiety...

    I am writing this because I can no longer find the words to verbally describe how I feel, the events of the past 2 months have left me absolutely gutted and though in recent months I have found some comfort in the calm of escaping my past life, I have also found loneliness in the solitude, I have discovered the impacts my previous relationship had actually had on me and have come to the stark realisation…I guess I always had felt alone and that the reality is not much has changed… except one thing, one brutally painful and sickening thing…. I desperately miss my son.

    There is an old saying things are always darkest before the dawn… but what happens when as the sun rises you catch a glimpse of the path behind, littered with the corpses of poor decisions, ill conceived ideals and regret, and as you cast your eyes to the road ahead there is nothingness, just emptiness and the complete sense of utter dread, in side just the feeling of a bottomless void, like that feeling of a hypnic jerk before sleep, a perpetual sense of falling…

    There has been a thought that constantly circled through my head, an inner monologue asking “where did things go wrong?” answered with another even more elusive question “was it ever right?”. There is no yes or no, nor an exact moment, it simply is…or at least was. It is far easier in moments like this, to only see the negative in any given situation, but there are no negatives or positives, simple instances now suspended in time and memory slowly fading off into the distance. Ahead is the unknown, something I have always found unsettling, the sense of feeling lost but relentlessly stumbling forward driven by nothing but hope.

  2. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    606 posts
    16 October 2020 in reply to Lost Rabbit

    Hi Lost Rabbit,

    Thank you for seeking support from Beyond Blue, and I hear you are facing a crisis in your future direction.

    First, I believe it is perfectly natural to have feelings of being set adrift once finally breaking free. Everything familiar (albeit traumatic) is now foreign in comparison. You need to time to regroup, and take stock of your recent past, present, and projections of where you want to find yourself in time to come.

    The present status of your marriage is not clear to me - 'Separated' meaning you have walked out and not returned? If so, you are still married and it could be important to establish a reconciliation, negotiation, and/or finality to your obligations. Simply putting your past behind you may be a little premature in this scenario.

    If you have (or are getting) a divorce, then this will include terms and obligations for raising your son. Have you sought legal advice?

    But from what you write, it appears you have come to a realisation that the one constant in your emotional distress is you, which also needs addressing before you can confidently move on.

    Resolving these issues will clear the 'corpses of poor decisions' along with illuminating a pathway toward a positive future.

    Getting your thoughts down in writing is a step in the right direction, and I hope you can feel comfortable expressing your concerns to make sense of things for you. Phoning the bb support lines 1300 22 4636 for real time support is always there for you also if you are struggling.

    Regards,

    t.

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