Hi everyone,

I'm a 36 year old male & as alot of us here do I suffer from pretty bad depression.

At the moment I'm not doing to good, I'm in a relationship that I really don't want to be in but I have a son with my partner & I don't want him growing up bouncing from parent to parent. So I'm staying for his sake.

I never had the best relationship with my father & I don't wa

Want this

Please don't stay for the sake of your son. Kids are resilient and also very reactive to their environment. I stayed and it was the biggest mistake. My children had to go through counselling and I actually hurt them instead of saving them. 3 years post separation and my children are so happy. Remember you need to be happy. If you are not your baby will pick up in the tension. Remember you are never alone.

Hi B_F_G

I feel for you so very much, for many a decision can feel torturous when depression is a factor. I believe much in life comes down to management, as management is often what dictates the outcome of a situation.

Sounds like your parents or perhaps just your father may not have managed their/his separation as well as they/he could have, for your sake (if you are left with painful memories). This doesn't mean you can't manage your own separation in constructive ways which support your son. Perhaps some research could make a difference, if you do decide to separate. Such research could involve

• How to best help your son (mentally) through such a challenging transition in life. Helping him form a new and healthy sense of identity, in relation to what's going on in his life, is not an impossible task. As Ebsmeads mentions, kids are resilient (more so when they are receiving the best guidance and support)
• How to best support his mother through such a challenging transition. I'm not just talking about financial support, such as child support payments, I'm also talking about mentally supporting her in becoming independent from you. Of course, this angle best works when the split is an amicable one

Navigating an amicable split will require some skill development on the part of both parents as well as the child/children.

In regard to management, I'm left wondering about your depression. My own depression lasted about 15 years and I'll be the first to admit that I managed it poorly for a number of those years. Alcohol was my toxic 'go to' fix when I wasn't taking a med that worked or seeing an effective therapist. After having my 2nd child, my depression ended due to the supportive guidance and a life changing epiphany within post natal depression group therapy, of all things. Managing with the best support can impact not only our self but also the relationships we share with those around us, especially partners. Unless you and your partner are just not suited to each other, staying may involve you having to find new constructive ways of managing the depression. How we relate to our self definitely impacts how we relate to the folk around us.

I believe, at the end of the day, it is more constructive for us to ask not 'What am I going to do?' but 'What am I going to manage (and how)?' Having a plan is key and the most important part of any plan is flexibility; this way, we avoid becoming control freaks who end up being too hard on our self.

Take care

Thank you so much for your reply, it has put my mind at ease somewhat. My parents never split, my father passed away from cancer 3 year's ago. We were just starting to build a relationship when he passed. As for my management of my depression, I don't drink or any drugs. I've seen first hand the affects of both. I try & keep my mind busy with my son & video games. Music is another big influence in my life. I'm in the process of getting in to see a psychologist. I've been suffering with depression for over 20 years now. Hopefully I can get my medication changed as it obviously isn't working.

Thank you Ebsmead's.

I should know better than to stay just for my son.

My mother & father stayed together just for my sister & I. And we had a miserable life. They constantly fought & it was almost impossible to build a relationship with my father. It's strange how you don't think of the obvious until it's layed out before you.

Hi B_F_G

Sorry to hear the developing relationship between you and your dad was cut short in such a challenging way.

Music has been proven to have a great impact on mind, body and soul. Whether we're someone who is gifted enough to play and give joy to others or someone who receives the benefits through listening, great things can be achieved through music. Personally, I'm a devotee of guided meditation CDs (love the music on them). They take me out of daily life and into a place of imagination and peace. The people who create the music for these CDs are truly gifted folk.

Glad to hear you've made plans in managing the depression. The skills we learn in managing depression are life skills, ones we can pass onto our children, along with empathy and understanding as our young ones make their way through challenges in life.

I hope your plans in navigating depression give to you clarity, peace and a positive path forward.

Take care