I'm about 10 minutes new to this forum system, and to even being signed up with beyond blue. I've started unpacking some deep stuff with a therapist recently about some past trauma's and relationship abuse that has affected the way I relate to others. I'm 17, going on 18 very soon, slowly moving through the high-pressure last year of highschool. I don't have friends. I really couldn't be more straight forward with it. I have people i talk to at school, but it's not the same as FRIENDS, do we agree? Friendship is more important that just someone being a communication touchpoint, or someone you can go to to make you feel less uncomfortable being alone. I was isolated from school social groups pretty early on into highschool and have struggled to establish deeper connections with people - it's always been surface level, if you understand what i mean. It hasn't ever developed into something that i can rely on, or someone i can go out with on the weekends and so on. That's only been in the past few years. Everything seemed pretty peachy keen before then. Now i'm back at school, after an extended break and exams, and i realise just how little confidence i have in the peers around me. i'm never IN the group, never IN the friendship, and it hurts. Feels like then no ones truly there for me, or follows me up, or wants to connect. I have no one here during recess or lunch breaks. No one to sit with. And it has filled me with a certain degree of shame over the cumulative years. I have so much support, and so much love in my life, it just seems that school is such a difficult place to be. With no camaraderie, no ease.
I think the resultant feeling is that i feel like im doing something wrong, that it isn't normal and that it should be different all the time. That never lets me relax, or release. That just keeps me insecure. I want to know if other people have the same thing...desperately.