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Forums / Welcome and orientation / Struggling to move on after divorce

Topic: Struggling to move on after divorce

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. Lulured
    Lulured avatar
    2 posts
    29 May 2020

    My husband left me last February for a woman he met on Tinder. He met her and moved in with her 4 days later. This had come out of the blue for me. I had no idea he was so unhappy and I was working very hard to make his life happy; always trying to be perfect. I worked full time, then came home to the second shift of family and house. He was the fun dad and I was the drudge. He was very controlling about who I spent time with and so I gradually let my friends fall away. I welcomed his friends into our house even having two of his young relatives living with us.

    After the separation he became outwardly abusive. He was threatening and nasty, spreading lies about me and undermining me at every opportunity. He also became superdad, attending our child's sporting matches for the first time. I was struggling a as I tried to find a house and re build my life while he was travelling every weekend with his wealthy girlfriend. I bore the brunt of the children's anger. The day after I moved out of the marital home, she moved in and started renovating.

    A few months later I reconnected with an old friend. It's been 9 months and we are very strong. Sadly his ex - wife waged a smear campaign against me with their mutual friends and children as after 3 years she decided she wanted him back. When we had been together 6 months, his former wife took her own life. His children will not have me in the house and will not accept that their father is in a relationship with me. I am allowed to see him two nights a week.

    I struggle that we met when we were both single and yet our relationship is not wanted and my ex husband forced a woman into my children's life and they happily have accepted her presence.

    Sadly on Tuesday I told my daughter a few truths about her father. Now she won't have anything to do with me. My children all think their father is wonderful despite the way he has treated me. His partner has deliberately cultivated friendships with school mothers and puts me down to them. I was not even able to attend my sons 21st nor my daughters 18th because of his new partner. He continues to control and abuse me now through legal channels. I don't know whether I should walk away and let time show the children I am not who they say I am or stick up for myself? This is very distressing.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Helen72
    Helen72 avatar
    65 posts
    29 May 2020 in reply to Lulured

    Hi Lulured,

    Even though my ex was literally the bottom of the barrel, a few people wisely said not to say that to his children. I did make some oblique comment occasionally but generally held my tongue. And finally, 9 years later, his daughter and his sister have said I was probably right - it would have been nice a decade ago - oh well.

    With your children, forcing them to take sides puts them in a horrible position. And being put 'outside' where you can't defend yourself...

    And then there's your partner's children. It's obviously hard for you but your partner's children will be grieving for at least a year or two so you can only bide your time - rational argument is not going to work.

    So I am suggesting the long road

    Helen

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Lulured
    Lulured avatar
    2 posts
    29 May 2020 in reply to Helen72

    Thankyou Helen.

    I have tried for 15 months to be fair. I even bought their father a birthday present last June from the children to try and set an example of how it could be. He retaliated on my birthday with threats of sending derogatory information to my employer.

    I selfishly feel I have been denied the fairy tale when the woman who slept with my husband has now got it all. She has no children of her own, but has bought mine with holidays and presents. She has the heritage listed house in the country that I spent many hours renovating. My friends, most of my belongings, including clothing that she wears (that is weird???) and I am a bit lost.

    Tonight they are sitting down to dinner as a 'family' and I am alone. She posts pictures of my children on social media as her 'family'. My friends as her friends. It is like 25 years of my life did not happen but I am expected to just get on with things. And yet I was the parent who did the rowing drop offs at 4-30 am then drove an hour to work. I sat by hospital beds with critically ill children. I spoke to the school when one of them had digressed. I was the adult parent. He played games with them while I cooked dinner and cleaned up afterward.

    I love my new partner and want a future with him, but I can't let go. And I will destroy the beauty I have with my bitterness.

  4. Helen72
    Helen72 avatar
    65 posts
    31 May 2020 in reply to Lulured

    Hi again,

    Well it's up to you but although it hurts A LOT, I don't think you really want to be destructive. It sucks, life is not fair and I'm super aware of that. My ex cost me a job, my sister, five years of uncertainty and more. But I can't focus on that or else I will never build what I want.

    You are not alone - you have a partner.

    Maybe make it a little easier on yourself - don't bag your ex but don't buy him presents either. Decide what path you'll take and stick to it. Build a future with your partner.

    Make a list of some things you would like and aim for one of them - it worked for me.

    Helen

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