The school holidays are supposed to be fun; an escape from the suffocation of High School, so why is it the exact opposite for me?
Hi, my life has gone pretty much downhill since towards the end of term one. I'm alone and I have no one to talk to about my anxiety (I was diagnosed a while ago now) and about work, my friends, family, etc. I have friends but I'm too nervous to talk to them about me; I feel as though I'm just some annoying weird, awkward pest that ALWAYS ends up making things awkward. I'm trying my best - I truly am. It just never seems enough. My family don't understand me at all, I mean they understand a little, but I don't think I could talk to them about when I'm feeling down because it's just something we don't talk about. I'm the eldest of three sisters and I recognise how I'm supposed to set an example for them, and that is what I have been doing however it means that I can never have a problem because I have to be the leader; the example. I truly am happy around my friends and family, but since the holidays I haven't seen my friends in a while and the communication online just isn't the same as in actual life. They make me so happy, but now I'm just questioning if they truly like me as much as I do them. I'm just terrified they find me annoying, or loud, weird, exhausting and hate whenever it's just me and them. God, the thought terrifies me. The only reason that this thought has stayed with me for weeks is that that is how I see myself. I'm never enough, there is always someone better than me. Just when some good enters my life, I end up destroying it, unintentionally obviously. Whoever said to just ' be me' must have been insane because in my case that is complete crap. I am complete crap. My real self is awkward, weird and annoying.
I had nowhere else to go to talk to about this stuff, so that's lead me here. Thanks for listening even if I made 0 sense, that's just me in a nutshell lol. (pronouns she/her)