I've been tossing up posting on here - partly because I haven't been sure if I was legitimately suffering from anxiety or if things were actually falling apart (as my mind very much likes to remind me). However, I've posted to another anxiety forum and have had strong suggestions that I am suffering from some kind of anxiety disorder, so here I am. :)
I've been in a relationship for nine months now with a very understanding, thoughtful - and to me, pretty much perfect - person. The trouble in my relationship happened just over three months ago (during a rather stressful time of exams), when I realised I wasn't feeling constantly excited and giddy as I had before. I get the impression this is normal, however it resulted in me having daily (often twice daily) panic attacks. I'd spend hours hiding under my covers or staring up at the ceiling, convinced that my relationship was falling apart because I wasn't feeling enough. At the start of January I went to a GP and was given a care plan for panic disorder/depression, and a referral to a psychologist. However, both due to my panic attacks becoming less frequent at this time, and the psychologist being booked for months, I didn't use this referral.
I no longer have panic attacks now, though I still worry constantly about what I'm supposed to feel for my boyfriend, how often I should be feeling it, and whether I'm feeling enough. My mind repeats to me over and over that I don't feel enough, that I don't love him, that I don't think about him enough (ie. not constantly), that the relationship's all a lie, and sends me back into feeling incredibly anxious again. I know I still care very much about him, and do feel things when I'm with him - however by the next day my mind will forget all about that and return to the same thoughts again. The worrying in turn makes me feel exhausted and less romantic, which then makes the worrying even worse.
I know I need to change my mindset for everything to work out, but I have no idea how to do that. And I'm not sure how long I can take the constant worrying and tears, or burdening my boyfriend with episodes of panicking and bursting into tears when we're together, believing that things are falling apart. But I have no idea what to do.
If anyone has any advice, it'll be much appreciated. In the meantime, I'll try to keep going, one day at a time (thinking any amount of time into the future just makes me anxious right now). :)
Thank you for reading this,