My heart truly goes out to you as you find yourself facing the overwhelming challenges that come with moving in and out of the depths of depression.
I've come to see depression in a unique way, since having come out of quite a significant one (of 15 years). Not sure if you can relate. I hope this makes a difference:
I see depression as 'a hole' we graduate into (unless there's a sudden fall/trauma). When we 1st enter into a depression, we may not even feel it. As our chemistry changes, the changes become significant to the point where we begin feeling the down shift. As things begin to change more, as we graduate further down for one reason or another, it's then when we truly begin to feel our self in the depths. In hitting the absolute depths, there is nothing like it. In the darkness, there is no light. In regard to chemistry, we experience a lack of significant 'pay off' (dopamine) and 'happiness' (serotonin). What we wish for, more than anything, is a difference we can feel.
With myself, in my depression, the difference came with alcohol. Being a mind/body/spirit gal these days, I can see how and why alcohol 'worked' for me. It was mind altering, shifted my chemistry and lifted my spirits...until it didn't. Hangovers and regret were definitely depressing, in many ways. Battling depression and the effects of alcoholism made for a challenging existence, indeed. Can relate.
One of the ways I manage to stay out of depression involves me asking 'What differences need to be made, to the degree where I literally feel the difference?'Example:
- When it comes to the people around us, do they make a difference? On the negative side, do they induce mental stress/physical stress/natural or spiritual stress (are they soul destroying) or do they simply do nothing to make a difference or do they make some difference (we feel only a little bit but not enough)? Who's raising us and who's bringing us down or leaving us down?
- Who or what is providing us with natural highs (as opposed to the highs obtained through drugs and alcohol)? Higher consciousness, high spirits, high aspirations, higher degrees of self understanding etc.
- Energy is a biggy in my life. I can't function effectively on low energy. If we were batteries this would be more relateable. Fully charged, powering down, completely 'flat'. Finding what or who puts us in (a state of) charge is significant
People and challenges can be incredibly draining and deeply depressing at times.