I am not sure how to explain this in this post honestly. I am stuck for words to explain this "feeling stuck" situation, ha ha.

I am 16. I was diagnosed with anxiety when i was 13, and I was diagnosed with depression after a really bad depressive episode last year. It's been about half a year since I recovered from that depressive episode I guess, and I am doing heaps better but in some ways I am not. I feel stuck. My life has changed many times over the past 3-4 years, as life does, but at the same time, it feels exactly the same. I am constantly facing the same problems- getting overwhelmed about schoolwork then breaking down, feeling anxious about school (no matter what school I am attending! I have moved schools in the past year), struggling to adapt to a healthier lifestyle of eating and exercising, etc. For some of these problems, I know what I have to do in order to overcome it or face it. But I never do those things. Eventually the problem passes, maybe because I get so good at avoiding it.

I am stuck! I know exactly what person I want to be and how I want my life to be, and I have some ideas of how to get there, but I can't seem to get it in action. I am sick of falling into holes then digging myself out, but then never covering up those holes (metaphor! Hope it makes sense). I know I will never live a life completely free of anxiety and depression and I am okay with that, I know that overtime I keep getting stronger and more resilient. But that being said, I don't want to live a life where it's only 30% of the time that I am myself and living the life I want. Like everyone else, I wanna be myself 100% of the time and I want to make my life great because it's just one life. I see other people doing cool stuff, I see clothes I wanna buy in shops, I think of things I want to do but I kind of just sigh and think to myself "one day." Why can't I do that stuff now? Why do I have to wait till I graduate high school, till I move out of home, etc? It's just excuses. Maybe I am scared of leaving my comfort zone. Maybe I am scared of failure. But I know that I am only thinking the worst and in reality, if I went and became the person I want to be, there would be more benefits than not. So why can't I stop being someone I'm not entirely happy being and be the person I am suppressing inside?

Not sure if this makes sense or if anyone can relate, maybe I'm a bit crazy (aren't we all?) Don't know if anyone can really give me any advice here but thanks anyway

Hi spontaneous sunflower, you make perfect sense by the way.

Through much of your post you've referred to identity (in one way or another). I believe identity comes down to how we identify with both our thoughts/beliefs and our environment. For example, someone with low self-esteem may identify with a challenge in their environment as being highly stressful and almost impossible to overcome, whereas someone with the beliefs which support high self-esteem will identify that same environmental challenge as inviting a form of opportunity for positive growth.

By the way, when I came out of my 15 year battle with depression, most of my beliefs about myself and the world changed. I was a different person altogether (because of how I identified).

I believe, to understand why we think the way we do, we need to travel a little ways back. Most of our beliefs and behaviours are taught to us which is strange when you think about it (many are not our own, they are inherited). I'm sure you can think of certain simple learned behaviours you've adopted, such as responding to a name you've been taught is yours. You would have learned what is 'good' and what is 'bad' in this world. You would also have been taught what makes you a 'valuable' member of society. You know, all this sort of basic stuff. But keep in mind that it's the basic stuff that can trip us up sometimes when it comes to us trying to change our identity because it's so ingrained. Some of this learned behaviour or some of the learned beliefs are things we must unlearn before we can move on. Easier said than done for sure.

Sometimes it pays to investigate where our behaviours and beliefs came from, why we are who we are at this point in our life. This is not a blame game, just a way of identifying how we may have developed our nature. After all, we don't suddenly become the person we see before us, in the mirror. Once we identify the origins, we can come to better know exactly what or should I say who we're working with (that false sense of self).

An unusual exercise yet one that can be quite humorous involves thinking about the behaviours and beliefs you possess. Who did you learn them from? I bet very few if any of your beliefs and behaviours are actually yours.

I am mum to a 13yo boy and 16yo girl and I regard these people as 2 of my greatest most encouraging and inspiring teachers in life, for they help me unlearn many of my false beliefs as I continue to evolve into who I wish to be.

Take care