everything feels like such a chore lately.

i am thinking about whether i should see a therapist. but really, there is nothing wrong with me. lately i've just had a bad attitude, so everythign feels tiring. i think it could be helpful, because i'm sure it would be helpful for anyone. who wouldn't benefit from that kind of thing?

but i woul dhave to got hrough my parent.s and i'm absolutely not bringing that up with them. i do not want pity or concern or interference or nuisance or nagging.

i don't think i am depressed. i am just in a bad funk but its so exhausting.

my room is a mess. im 19 years old. i should be able to simply just clean my room and get my life together. i find it so hard to be motivated to do anything becausde i'm incredibly lazy and avoid problems rather than just solving them even when they're so easy.

i feel like a failure. i feel like i'm too fat and ugly. i am possibly the worst conversationalist in the world because i assume everyone hates me (which wouldn't be a problem if i could just hold a conversation) and i make everything 10x more difficult for myself than it needs to be. i do have some redeeming features though. i am nice to people mostly. which is good.

i don't know why i am even on this forum i'm just looking for something and i'm not sure what. advice or something, some kind of guidance.

im aware that i sound very childish. i am just writing a stream of conciousness (which i cannot spell). i don't mean to be annoying i'm just venting i hope that's ok. i'm not really sure what i'm hoping to achieve here.

i feel like i'm kind of out of control. (not in an emergency services type of way, i'm not in a dire position or having drastic thoughts or anything). what i mean is that it feels like i am just going forward through each day not really making active choices but just letting momentum push me along. where am i going? what am i doing? maybe everyone feels this way. if so, they don't show it.

that being said, i'm not depressed or anything; i have good moments too. i smile, laugh, so on, i entertain myself throughout the day and spend time with others - no cause for concern. i'm just finding it difficult to maintain this lifestyle going from job to job each day and wasting my time little by little throughout the day, until it's 3am and i've not done anything for myself. and by this time of day i've either eaten scarcely anything OR alternatively eaten an absurdly large amount of food (that i didn't even enjoy).

Hi Buddy Pal Guy

Welcome and good on you for being here with us!

Im Paul.. one of the many members/champions on the forums with my own anxiety symptoms....You are not an attention seeker...childish or anything that resembles a failure....It takes strength and courage to create your own thread topic....and good on you!

I have family members that dont have your conversational skills...I know there are many very kind and helpful people that can be here for you too

The forums are a safe and non judgmental place for you to say whats on your mind

my best...Paul

Hi Buddy Pal Guy

Your post jumped out at me in huge leaps.....while I don't know how you are feeling, I know of your story, or your pain and of your exhaustion.

It is so brave of you to share so openly how you are feeling, how your daily life plays out and for being able to put a name to some of the things you "should" be doing and feeling...which is where I wanted to start...SHOULD....erkkk....yes..in a world where everything is all equal you SHOULD be able to just clean your room, you SHOULD be able to get your life together......well I don't like that word and anything that comes with it. See from what I read I feel like you have hit a pot hole on your journey and you need some support to help you out, and you have started by sharing here, talking and venting...you are not childish, you are not lazy but mostly you are not a failure....you are a person who is going through a tough time and needs some comfort and someone to listen and to help you. I hear what you are saying in that you do not want to bring this up with your parents, you feel like you are a nagging nuisance who is seeking pitty....can I say though from a parents point of view, if my child came to me even with half of what you have shared here I would be so very proud that they could reach out, they trusted me to listen and to help them find the support they need.....can I suggest your parents would feel the same?

It would be very hard to start a conversation with them, to be able to confess these feelings and how you are going at the moment, but you can write, you have done it so beautifully here, you could show them this post you have written. You could also do the same to your GP, it is hard to start these conversations but if you present a note to him/her they will start the rest with you. What do you think about that?

I hear you when you say you don't know why you are here on this forum...I was the same..I joined to seek answers as to why my 19 year old brother took his life, I have learnt so much here, I have received so much love and support here, from strangers who are willing to sit with us, listen and to provide a hand to pull us out of the darkness...I am here for you too.

Attention seeker you are not.....help seeker, support seeker..friend seeker....yes, and you are allowed to do that every day of the week...please keep sharing, keep talking as you matter so much, so very very much and I am here to chat with you as much as you want.

Hugs to you

Sarah