G'day all,

I don't know where else to go, so I guess here will do.
I'm 16 years old, I have several offline and online tightly-knit friend groups, but I still feel lonely.
I dissociate regularly, and when I look in the mirror, I don't really know who I'm looking at sometimes.

I've never had a relationship in my life. I've only been game enough to ask someone out once (a couple years ago by now, and to one of my closer friends at the time), and I haven't spoken to them since. I used to think that a relationship would help the lonely feelings, but at this point I'm not so sure.

I'm absolutely terrible at opening up to people. My best friends always say that I can talk to them whenever I want, but when I actually feel like it, I don't want to bother them. It's taken me half an hour to write this post up to here, because I keep thinking that nobody wants to hear my random depressed ramblings. But that is what this site is for I guess, so whatever.

I've been to many different therapists, but I've never been able to open up to them, always defaulting to my 'person on the street' persona, which is just a very casual and cheerful version of myself, the version which anyone who (for example) asked me for directions on the street would get.

I repress a lot of negative emotions and memories into something I call 'the vault'. I picture the bad thing being locked into a big metal bank vault, and then forget about it as best as I can. I know this is bad, but I don't know what else to do with it.

My family isn't abusive, or split, or anything really. I had a very comfortable upbringing, I was generally towards the top of my class. Everyone seems to regard me as 'friendly', or 'chill'.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what I want. I don't know what to do.

I don't know what I want to gain from this, but I really just want to let it out. Anywhere.
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Thanks for reading.

A very warm welcome to you Solid. So glad you came here, whether to look for some direction or simply to vent.

16 is an incredibly tough age, without a doubt. In thinking back, I would define this time in life as a bit of a 'limbo' age or period in time, where you're in between who you naturally were as a little kid and who you're going to be. Trying to make sense of our identity at this time in life can feel almost impossible. While depression didn't hit me 'til around 19 or 20, I would have to say that 16 is where I really started questioning my place in this world, with very few constructive answers to such questioning. Now, I'm Mum to a 15 and 18yo and watch my kids question their place in this world.

As I say to my kids, every person contains a natural self. Finding that natural self and remaining true to this nature is the greatest challenge in life. My son is a natural environmentalist (regarding the ocean esp) and my daughter has natural leadership qualities. What they do with these natures becomes the question. My daughter is going to uni this year to begin studying primary and secondary school teaching, so as to lead and support kids in finding the best in themselves. That's enough about my people. Let's talk about you...

I can't help but wonder what it is that you have always enjoyed, more than anything else. Maybe you're still passionate about this thing or maybe you've lost your passion for it. Do you love writing, art, music, helping others/being a good listener and leader or maybe you've spent some years daydreaming about what it would be like to be some sort of hero of the people (fire fighter/police/ambo)? Maybe you always loved the idea of slipping in and out of personas (acting). Perhaps you love the idea of inventing or have an entrepreneurial nature, enjoying being and thinking outside the square. Maybe inside the square is too boring and constricting for you.

Might sound a little strange but from my experience we can often be conditioned out of being who we naturally are, in a variety of ways. Then what can happen is we can be left saying 'I just don't know who I am anymore'. If we all had brilliant and inspirational guides in life we'd easily be able to run with who we naturally are from the very beginning. It can be easy yet incredibly painful to detach from a world that doesn't inspire or guide us. To not feel inspiration on a regular basis can become incredibly depressing. Wondering if this is how you feel, deeply uninspired.

:)