I'm sorry my post sounds vague and silly. I didn't know what else to do, so I thought it might help to talk?
It's pretty late right now but I can't sleep. All that's going through my mind is "it's back." By "it" I mean my depression. At least, I think it's depression. I've never had the courage to actually go ask for help. This is probably the closest thing I've done to seeking help regarding my mental health.
I've felt like this before, this horrible feeling seems to come back a lot. Whenever I realised it was back, I tried enjoying life and pulling myself out of the pit I had somehow ended up in. But in the end, it always feels useless. It feels like I'm climbing up a mountain, but every time it looked as though I finally reach the top, I slip and go tumbling down. I never go right back to the bottom, but I do get pretty close. I think I'm back down there again.
I've had this feeling more times than I can count. The feeling of suffocation. The feeling of being tired. I'm tired of my studies, my family, I'm tired of my life. I just want it to finish. I don't mean I want to cut it short. It's sort of like a boring movie, I just want to reach the happy ending and see the credits roll. I think the best way to put it is that I feel numb. I'm just going through the motions, doing as I'm expected to without feeling anything. I simply feel empty, and yet it hurts.
There are times that I feel so numb that I actively seek out something, anything just so I can feel some sort of emotion. I usually decide to watch movies or read mangas that I know will make me cry and laugh with the characters. At least then I can feel something. I can dive into another world, even if it's only for a moment, I can escape this tiring routine. But sometimes these don't work. I don't feel anything and it terrifies me. I'm so scared that I'll reach the point of no return and do something that I know I will regret. The worst part is I don't know how to stop, how to pull myself together and stop going down this dark path.
Perhaps I'm just overreacting. Maybe quarantine and my studies have me stressed to the point of thinking I'm that I'm depressed. I don't know anymore. In the past, I've chalked everything down to overreacting or overthinking. If even one person can tell me I'm not being stupid or that I'm not just imagining it, please do. I think at least knowing that someone else, even a stranger, thinks I should seek help then maybe I can find the courage to admit that I'm not fine.