I'm sorry my post sounds vague and silly. I didn't know what else to do, so I thought it might help to talk?

It's pretty late right now but I can't sleep. All that's going through my mind is "it's back." By "it" I mean my depression. At least, I think it's depression. I've never had the courage to actually go ask for help. This is probably the closest thing I've done to seeking help regarding my mental health.

I've felt like this before, this horrible feeling seems to come back a lot. Whenever I realised it was back, I tried enjoying life and pulling myself out of the pit I had somehow ended up in. But in the end, it always feels useless. It feels like I'm climbing up a mountain, but every time it looked as though I finally reach the top, I slip and go tumbling down. I never go right back to the bottom, but I do get pretty close. I think I'm back down there again.

I've had this feeling more times than I can count. The feeling of suffocation. The feeling of being tired. I'm tired of my studies, my family, I'm tired of my life. I just want it to finish. I don't mean I want to cut it short. It's sort of like a boring movie, I just want to reach the happy ending and see the credits roll. I think the best way to put it is that I feel numb. I'm just going through the motions, doing as I'm expected to without feeling anything. I simply feel empty, and yet it hurts.

There are times that I feel so numb that I actively seek out something, anything just so I can feel some sort of emotion. I usually decide to watch movies or read mangas that I know will make me cry and laugh with the characters. At least then I can feel something. I can dive into another world, even if it's only for a moment, I can escape this tiring routine. But sometimes these don't work. I don't feel anything and it terrifies me. I'm so scared that I'll reach the point of no return and do something that I know I will regret. The worst part is I don't know how to stop, how to pull myself together and stop going down this dark path.

Perhaps I'm just overreacting. Maybe quarantine and my studies have me stressed to the point of thinking I'm that I'm depressed. I don't know anymore. In the past, I've chalked everything down to overreacting or overthinking. If even one person can tell me I'm not being stupid or that I'm not just imagining it, please do. I think at least knowing that someone else, even a stranger, thinks I should seek help then maybe I can find the courage to admit that I'm not fine.

Dear Chatterbox,

Wishing you a warm welcome to the forums. It takes a lot of courage to be so open and honest with your feelings, and we are so glad that you have reached out here tonight. We're sorry to hear how much you're struggling with depression right now. We understand that this feeling must be overwhelming, especially if you find it difficult  to reach out. You've come to a safe and non-judgmental place where our community give and receive support to each other based on their own experiences with mental health. We want you to know we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.
 
Our support service is trying to reach you via email as we are worried about you. You might also like to get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service as they can find you mental health support. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.
 
Once again, we wish you a very warm welcome to our forums community. Please check in and let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.

Hello Chatter.box, and welcome to the forums.

It's always good to let people know how you are feeling, especially at times like this when you feel the need to open up.

From what you have told us, this is not something you imagine, it's actually how you are trying to cope and yes it can be a struggle to know what to do.

'If even one person can tell me I'm not being stupid or that I'm not just imagining it', well being on the forums answers that for you without any doubt, we have been in situations ourselves and know that this won't go away by itself, it only festers, so we need the help starting with your doctor or perhaps one of the links Sophie_M has provided.

Write down on some paper not only how you are feeling, which is very important, but also how you are struggling to cope.

This will make the connection between you and the counsellor easier because when you are asked 'how can I help you' doesn't make you forget the reason why you're there.

It's good you've come to the site and if you want to get back to us, we'll be waiting.

Geoff.

Thank you Sophie_M. I think after writing up my post I realised that maybe seeking professional help is a good idea. I think being able to open up about how I've been feeling made me realise that I'm not alone. I'm going to follow your advice and maybe talk to a counselor of use the services provided by Beyond Blue. I'm glad i reached out, even if it was through an online forum.

Hey Chatter.box

Thats sort of how I felt a while back too. I usually read manga and watch anime for my escape from the world. Life seems repetitive sometimes, so taking a time out to relax or to get in a happy space is a good thing for me. Last year, I wondered if I had depression too. My classroom was suffocating. Girls with their girl fights, me trying to distance myself from everything, and only friends coming to you when they needed you. I’m so glad that I got new classes now and a can act natural and more freely with people I can call real friends because I feel more comfortable. It’s all what you think it is.