hi, I've been struggling a bit with confidence and self esteem and was wondering if anyone had any advice?

I have always been kind of shy, but it's never really been about how I feel about myself. It's always because I'm worried about what people would think of me. but the way I've looked hasnt really mattered to me until now. I kind of hate myself at the moment. I'm chubby, quite tall, my personality kinda sucks and I'm quite ugly. it makes me feel like I'm not worth anything at times and it really makes me upset often.

I'm also really bad at socialising which makes the situation even worse woo hoo. I've been diagnosed with social anxiety, adding on to the fact that I'm a shy introvert. So making friends isn't really my strong point. Everytime i walk around school I feel like everyone is staring and judging and that I'm doing the wrong thing?

i kind of don't know how to end this, sorry for my really bad grammar but what I'm trying to say is, does anyone have any advice on how to become more sociable and confident in myself?

Hi there,

You would be surprised how many people are like you, even those who seem to have it all together. We live in a society which tends to make us feel ‘less than’ in so many ways and leads to us comparing ourselves to others constantly and being harsh on ourselves. Not many people can say ‘I am happy with who I am and I don’t care what people think’, I can assure you.

What I suggest is to address the things that make you feel insecure one by one. Then identify what you can and can’t change. Remember no one’s perfect.

For example your appearance. You’re quite tall, nothing wrong with that. You can’t change it anyway. You’re a bit chubby. That you can change if you want to. Join a gym or start a suitable exercise program yourself. Look online for one. Or just walk, swim, cycle or run. Whatever you prefer, just get moving. Also eat as healthy as you can as often as you can.

Now, I’m sure you are not ugly at all. But if you aren’t happy with your appearance at least that is something you can change to a certain degree. Identify what you like and what you don’t about your physical appearance. Then work out ways to enhance the things you like and take attention away from the things you don’t like. You could see a stylist if you really wanted to but you can get a lot of advice online about this too now. It could be trying a new hairstyle, a new way of putting clothes together, even a skincare regime can ‘brighten’ you up or a bit of plucking and grooming. You could work on this at the same time as your exercise program if you like.

With regards to your personality, there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. Shyness and social anxiety can feel debilitating but they can be controlled. It could happen naturally over time with life experience, but if you want to speed it up, join a social anxiety support group for tips and practice or undertake social skills training. You express yourself well in writing so you can communicate ‘on paper’ you just need to learn to be comfortable doing it face-to-face. You are actually better than you think you are already. You just need to learn tips on starting a conversation and keeping it going so you can form casual relationships to start with and eventually friendships etc. Just remember to take one conversation at a time. It will be hard and awkward at first but will get easier with practice and time. I know. Practice makes perfect! Most people are actually decent so try not to stress too much.

You can do this.

Hello! :)

I've had social anxiety most of my life, and over the past few months have only just started to like myself. I can very much empathise with your situation, so I'll just list a few of the things that have helped me into this new frame of mind :)

(1) As you say you have been diagnosed, I am assuming that you are seeing a counsellor or a therapist of some kind? I found it so helpful to have that kind of transparent, private person to talk things through. With a therapist I worked through things like ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), which worked really well for me. ACT encompasses the things below, which I also worked on in my own time.

(2) Mindfulness/meditation. Being present helps a lot with the social interaction side of things. When I am in a present state (happens more frequently now), I am not scared of talking, or my opinions being taken the wrong way. Perhaps more importantly, when I feel like this, things to say just pop into my head naturally as the conversation flows! It's really helped me connect with people more meaningfully. We can use band-aid solutions (like thinking about topics to talk about beforehand) in social situations, but ultimately they are band-aid solutions. I mention meditation, as I cultivated a daily practice (starting with 10 minutes per day) to get myself used to being present. Over time, this practice began to seep into my everyday life, and I was able to be more present throughout the day- naturally!

(3) Self Compassion/Non-resistance. Accepting myself for who I am. Like Timshel talked about- focussing on the things we can change. For me, I am kind of short and have a big head. Our imperfections make us perfect. I think this is something that can't really be explained over text; however, it involves separating thought from emotion, noticing our emotions and choosing our reactions to them. Sounds kind of whack- I can talk more about it if you'd like; however, I think that a counsellor using ACT could explain it best.

I hope this has helped! Feel free to keep talking if you wish, I try to check my threads daily.

Nice to meet you :)
Aphador :)