Sure I remember our conversation which had ended on a note of hope. I'm very sad it did not continue.
Still I'm glad to hear from you and can see what a terrible time you have had. With you dad not taking it seriously and your mum, her partner and your ex all moving away from you it does seem at times there is not much left.
It's easy to take all the load on yourself, to say if I had been a better person, or a stronger person, or a nicer person then things would be different, maybe even good. I think that is a bit of a mistake. You have an illness and like anyone else, when you are ill normal standards do not apply. I fell into that trap and it is a hard one to climb out of.
I know just talking logic does not cut the mustard, it's all very well for me to say illness makes a huge difference, but saying that will not -by itself - make you feel better. It takes more. You are in a sort of loop, as I have been, and it does take people on the outside to give you a helping hand, to start you on a road to better things.
So who is there? Well for me looking in from the outside it's pretty obvious, you need to get back together with your medical team. I know you feel terrible for breaking your promise and also becuse you do not have the confidence in yourself you would not break it again.
Competent doctors and psychs are very used to this, often even expect it and can deal with it. It is not a case of thinking badly of you, but of how to help.
I mentioned before to write things down, if you just gave them a copy of this latest post of yours that would do the trick. Meds can be dispensed in small quantities at little or no extra cost by a pharmacist on doctor's orders, so the temptation to overuse is taken away. I know you would have only limited access to a psych, but a bulk-billing doctor can be seen as often as you need, so if the wheels start to fall of you go see them and talk it over.
I gave up, and it was only circumstances made me genuinely ask for help, in time it has worked, I'm good.
Do you think you could do the same? Life has to be better than now.