Hi,

Recently I've started a new relationship. Well, actually I'm 21 and its my first relationship. I've strayed away from anything remotely intimate most of my life partly because my anxiety rules me fearful of most people and i feel as though i cannot trust them.

I've (as of like a 5 days ago) had sex for the first time and my general anxiety has been off the charts since. For no good reason I feel so incredibly guilty that i feel sick about it. Even though im on the pill i feel like an extreme anxious feeling that i potentially could be pregnant and that alone scares me from wanting to do anything remotely sexual again. I wake up and immediately feel very upset about that in particular. I've had a very bad general anxiety disorder episode in the past (back in 2018) and this feels like its becoming that.

On top of this, i am on a relatively medium level dose of antidepressants for both anxiety and a previous depressive episode, and what worries me is that im beginning to feel this anxious on the medication. The medication also renders my libido to practically 0, so i felt nothing emotionally during the sex part. - I have been honest about my mental health to my partner but i dont think he would understand if i told him that i felt nothing. My parents are traditional and strict, and although i am open about everything in my life to my mum, i cant tell her any of this which furthers my guilt about the whole thing.

Apologies for such a long post. Does anyone have any advice? Have you been through something similar? I feel very alone about it.

Hi ocdmusings,

What you're describing sounds like the very common wave of emotions that accompany most peoples' first sexual experience, complicated and amplified by your struggles with mental health. Let's take it point by point.

First, your fear of pregnancy is completely normal and understandable. I am not an expert in sexual or women's health, but from what little I do know, I know that the pill, when taken properly, is an extremely effective form of birth control. If you continue to be worried about it over the coming weeks, you can take a pregnancy test a week after your missed period to calm your fears.

Next, sex can be an anxiety-inducing topic even for those of us without GAD, so it's no wonder that this complicated mix of questions about desire, intimacy, relationships, morality, and the body have sent your anxiety into overdrive. You are under no obligation to have any sex ever again if you wish, but be kind to yourself and remember that this is a very complicated aspect of being human that takes many people a long time to get really comfortable with.

Antidepressants and the question of libido can complicate things, and sexual side-effects are best discussed with your prescribing doctor. Be honest about this new development in your life, and your concerns about how the medication may interfere with that. Sex is a normal, natural part of life so it is perfectly reasonable to discuss how to make sure your medication doesn't cause trouble in this aspect, just like you would for your appetite or your sleep.

You say you're in a relationship for the first time–this can also be tricky, but any partner worth their salt will be open and respectful when listening to your thoughts and concerns about sex, especially considering that you are new to this experience.

Finally, traditional and strict upbringings may give us confusing signals about how to process our feelings and the shame that comes with it. It is great that you are able to talk openly with your mother, but it's totally okay to not feel like you can come to her with these questions! Even in less traditional households, children prefer not to discuss sex with their parents for obvious reasons. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

I know I've thrown a lot of information at you here but most importantly please remember to take care of yourself, be honest with your partner, and remember the dignity and respect you deserve.

Warmly,

Gems

I think gems answered it very well. the feelings and emotions associated around relationships and intimacy can be quite confronting especially when dealing with them both for the first time.

don't be to hard on yourself I think many of these feelings are quite normal. what makes these slightly abnormal is dealing with them and seeing them through deppresion and anxiety .

talking with parents about these issues was basically unheard of in my family and my group of freinds. the lack of information an support can make it hard to know if what you are going through is normal.

unfortunately low libido with anti depressants is a sad fact . I tried to switch my ADs because I could not live with this side effect. everyone's experience is different. definatly talk to your doctor about the side effects and getting anxiety while on ADs. I dare say it may be normal to have some anxiety when experiencing a new intimate relationship for the first time.

all the best .

Andrew