My girlfriend left me a week ago.
Bit of backstory on when things headed downhill.
December we were fantastic, exploring new things together and we both have agreed even during the breakup that we were happy.
suddenly she stopped putting in effort to see me, she had things going on that made it difficult. Months went on like this, I got increasingly frustrated. I blamed her for it all, I was trying so hard to see her and it was like a fort wall. This went on for 8 months, barely seeing eachother until last week she told me she didn't think it was healthy and that she had every intention of trying to work things out.
I instantly was crushed by it. I channelled that sadness to exercise, and haven't contacted her since.
Now I'm beginning to realise my flaws and that my problems were a lot more subtle but possibly more influential.
Nothing was enough for me. Even in December when I was "happy", I was pushing her for more, Despite it taking a great deal of effort from her.
I realise now that no matter how far we went it wasn't ever enough for me.
I realise I placed all my happiness on her, and constantly argued with her when she wouldn't make effort.
I think about how that looked from her perspective; She was worried one mistake from her would send me into a dark place.(History of mental health)
I realise that it wasn't her that made me unhappy. I was unhappy with my life and I was making it her job to fix it.
She said she cherishes every moment we had together, but thinks the relationship is unhealthy and blames herself for not making effort (saying it was all her fault and she was sorry). You can imagine my guilt now.
Nothing I did was attractive behavior, it's no wonder the consequence.
I have watched seminars, Ted talks, the lot. They say a person needs to be happy on their own before a relationship can be healthy.
I believe I truly love her, and I accept the consequence of my failure.
So my question is, how do you become happy when you are alone? Where do I start?
I don't think I am depressed in the general sense, I just don't know how to be happy.
Any help would be appreciated.
Thank you for reading.
Ps. I would appreciate advice on getting another chance with her. My plan is to wait a couple weeks to a month of no talking and reach out to get some of this off my chest, for my sake and hers. I don't expect a fairytale, and I think if I got another chance now I would doom it again.
I want to be happy for my sake first, not just for her.