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Forums / Young people / Struggling with being unhappy + breakup help.

Topic: Struggling with being unhappy + breakup help.

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. Jimmy19
    Jimmy19 avatar
    12 posts
    21 September 2020
    My girlfriend left me a week ago.
    Bit of backstory on when things headed downhill.
    December we were fantastic, exploring new things together and we both have agreed even during the breakup that we were happy.
    suddenly she stopped putting in effort to see me, she had things going on that made it difficult. Months went on like this, I got increasingly frustrated. I blamed her for it all, I was trying so hard to see her and it was like a fort wall. This went on for 8 months, barely seeing eachother until last week she told me she didn't think it was healthy and that she had every intention of trying to work things out.
    I instantly was crushed by it. I channelled that sadness to exercise, and haven't contacted her since.

    Now I'm beginning to realise my flaws and that my problems were a lot more subtle but possibly more influential.

    Nothing was enough for me. Even in December when I was "happy", I was pushing her for more, Despite it taking a great deal of effort from her.
    I realise now that no matter how far we went it wasn't ever enough for me.
    I realise I placed all my happiness on her, and constantly argued with her when she wouldn't make effort.
    I think about how that looked from her perspective; She was worried one mistake from her would send me into a dark place.(History of mental health)
    I realise that it wasn't her that made me unhappy. I was unhappy with my life and I was making it her job to fix it.

    She said she cherishes every moment we had together, but thinks the relationship is unhealthy and blames herself for not making effort (saying it was all her fault and she was sorry). You can imagine my guilt now.
    Nothing I did was attractive behavior, it's no wonder the consequence.

    I have watched seminars, Ted talks, the lot. They say a person needs to be happy on their own before a relationship can be healthy.

    I believe I truly love her, and I accept the consequence of my failure.

    So my question is, how do you become happy when you are alone? Where do I start?
    I don't think I am depressed in the general sense, I just don't know how to be happy.
    Any help would be appreciated.
    Thank you for reading.

    Ps. I would appreciate advice on getting another chance with her. My plan is to wait a couple weeks to a month of no talking and reach out to get some of this off my chest, for my sake and hers. I don't expect a fairytale, and I think if I got another chance now I would doom it again.
    I want to be happy for my sake first, not just for her.
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9391 posts
    22 September 2020 in reply to Jimmy19
    Hi, welcome

    Well, you have insight which means you are one of the lucky ones. You can grow to like yourself and be more content with a partner. But be aware there us a danger in over analysing yourself to the point of self criticism that won't be justified. E.g. your nature isn't changeable much at all.
    Google

    Beyondblue topic accepting yourself, the frog and the scorpion

    In this relationship your ex partner also has choices. She might not feel the same as you in terms of giving it another chance. Bare that in mind. I read how you plan to stay away for a couple of weeks, that's a good idea because if she has any real desire to reunite then she will contact you. She has to carry some workload for it to work.

    I think you are being a bit hard on yourself. Any problems like low self esteem could be tackled together if the dedication is on both sides.

    TonyWK
    1 person found this helpful
  3. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15566 posts
    22 September 2020 in reply to Jimmy19

    Hello Jimmy19, thanks for your comment.

    Being alone to being lonely can be totally different, so if you like being alone, that's not lonely, however, the two maybe connected at certain times where you're in a group but feel lonely.

    Do you know whether or not she has someone else and the reason why this is happening, and if so, this will change your outlook and 'be happy for my sake first'.

    Let your mind wander to find something that will make you happy by yourself, because at the moment there is no guarantee she will enjoy it if you get back together.

    You can't only blame yourself it 'it takes two to tango'.

    Sure you can still love her but what would you like to do by yourself.

    I can't tell you what to do but 'You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink'.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. chloe.xx
    chloe.xx  avatar
    29 posts
    28 September 2020 in reply to Jimmy19

    Hi Jimmy,

    Break up are extremely difficult, but it takes two people to end a relationship, the fault and blame isn't solely placed on you or her so please don't feel that way at all.

    For myself the best way to deal with break ups is to reach out and spend time with friends, family or pets. Or even going for a walk or an activity you enjoy.

    Take care,

    Chloe

    1 person found this helpful

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