Sometimes, I’m afraid of the dark. And that’s okay. But today, right now, I’m not. Frankly? That’s not okay.
Usually, the dark scares me, a lot. I walk quickly to my room when I’m the last one awake, the one who has to turn the lights off. I walk so quickly in fact, I almost start running. I read somewhere that people are afraid of the dark because humans have a natural fear of the unknown, but here’s the thing, you aren’t actually afraid of the dark, you aren’t actually afraid of anything, you are only afraid of the consequence that comes with it which is, of course, being out of control, being hurt or dying. You aren’t afraid of heights, you’re afraid of what happens when you hit the ground, you aren’t afraid of spiders, you’re afraid of what they might do to you, and if you’re afraid of death? Congratulations! You value self-preservation which is, of course, a good thing.
Fear is a superpower. so then what happens when it all of a sudden turns off? I just don't care anymore. I am no longer afraid of disappearing. In fact, I welcome it. I'm writing this in the dark.
Depression for me is never just one thing. It’s multiple things, but they’re small things. Maybe there's a bigger issue at the core but what pushes me to the edge are the small bits that build up. It’s someone accidentally stepping on my foot, slamming the door in my face, or forgetting my name. These tiny details build up into a big ball and when the moment comes, I break. The big ball explodes and the little specks of unpleasantries stick themselves around my mind making me remember every single reason why I’m intolerable. That’s not to say that people can’t make small accidents like calling me Clare instead of Sarah, because they happen all the time and it’s completely fine. But I don’t understand how something so small can have such a large impact or why I can take them so personally sometimes.
But at the end of the day, when rational thinking comes back into view, I once again remember why I’m here. Just because I am. I have one job to do and that is simply just, exist. I know that nothing lasts forever, which is completely true. whether it be the grocery store or the sun, time will outlive us all. So I know this empty feeling will wash away when the time is right. This will always be a part of my life but I know that it’ll always eventually go away. Only then will my fear of the dark return and only then will I turn on the light.