Hi again Display Name,
Just a quick response because I really can't muster the energy to fully engage atm, yet don't want you to feel ignored. Oh, and I'm really glad that you found some of what I said to be pertinent/relevant in some way. Hopefully what I'm about to say does not undo all of that, haha, but I just want to present one possible interpretation of what may be going on
From my position right now, and I hope I don't come across as curt or callous in any way, it seems to me that you are obsessing intensely over your thoughts... being 'hyper-introspective' if you will. To reflect on why we might have thought, said or done anything is, I would say, a sign of immense maturity, particularly from someone of your age.
A part of this introspective process is the need for objectivity; we need to critically analyse our thinking/actions from a perspective other than our own. We could do this by seeking someone else's views (which we might argue are just as unreliable as our own) or perhaps by assessing ourselves by some sort of grounded metric or ethical framework - those are ways to keep ourselves accountable and to assure ourselves that what we are doing is sensible/valid/correct/sane/of-high-quality/responsible etc.
What I suspect you may be doing is, instead of utilising those aforementioned guides, subconsciously taking the much more extreme step of quite literally 'discarding' your own understanding of your decision-making/thought-processes in order to achieve that desired objectivity. Once you've done this, you may not be able to relate to your past actions, because you are so committed to understanding yourself without being at all biased in forming that understanding of yourself. Some serious mental gymnastics there, but maybe some of that makes sense?
I could be TOTALLY wrong about all of that - it's just one hypothesis that comes to mind in my beleaguered and slightly drug-addled state, but maybe even if just 2% of that really clicked then that's a start.
Also, the rising, don't know if you're still following this at all, but is it possible to elaborate on some of these 'spiritual emergency' ideas that you've read? Even just a very brief summary if that's even possible? It sounds fascinating and potentially quite relevant.
Turns out that wasn't a quick post after all...