I didn't know anyone else who's going through it, I thought it was just me feeling this way.
I started to have these dark thoughts when I was around nine. And I remember sort of that is darkness, this dark tunnel. And not a shed of light that came with this, this thinking. And I had no idea why I was thinking this way. And as a child at nine years old, especially in that time, there was no answers, there was no knowledge, there was no awareness. So there was no understanding in my own mind of why why am I thinking these ways? Why am I waking up and not wanting to be here anymore? Why am I refusing to fuel my body with food? Why am I refusing to sleep? Just refusing to live?
Yeah, when I even tried to relay what I was going through, it was seen as, as an imagination, especially at that very young age, a lot of things that I sort of labeled as imagination, and something that, you know, also I was expressing all these emotions, as well as anger and sadness. And from then on, I pretty much shut down at talking to anybody, telling anyone what was going on in my head. At that point, I locked myself out from the world and anyone around me knowing anything about what was truly going on in my own head.
It wasn't until after my 21st, when I experienced just an absolute explosion of bottling up everything. And the last thing that I remember is total numbness. Before I woke, basically woke up in hospital. And that feeling was just immense fear of what just happened, you know, I felt pain, I felt hurt. I felt just in a state of fear.
Then I met someone that changed my life. And he became my psychologist. And he showed me just a whole new light, to what support, compassion, and kindness feels like. He gave me a reason to believe and can hold on to the hope that there is a better life that you can heal, that this doesn't have to be my life where I'm bottling everything up and going through consistent depressive episodes and anxiety and there is just no way out of it. He helped me down the path to realizing that I can live and be happy. That experience, the moment that I actually just let it all out and do what sessions were needed, I felt those really heavy weights, just lift off my body. Not even just my shoulders, my body, I felt lighter, my mind felt lighter. It's like all these years of holding on to all this pain and trauma. We're finally starting to lift.
I started with small things, really small things. But they were actually big things in reality, because they started off the process. Like, I'd just get out of bed. That was the start of it, getting out of bed. And then when I felt that I could continue to the next step, I'd make my bed. Even if I got back on my bed and it didn't matter. The fact that I got out of bed, and I made it, was an accomplishment for me. Especially me being outside, and just breathing. And remembering that I'm safe and reminding myself that it's okay.
And I thought well, this has happened to me, this is a part of, this is a part of my life. This is my story. I'm going to use it to benefit and to try and help guide others as well. It definitely has led me to this path of wanting to be a school counselor, and wanting to be that person for others that I never got. And be in that place that caused me the most trauma, be there for other children so they know that they're heard, and that I believe them and they're validated. And that it's not just their imagination. This is not just something that they've just thought out. This is this is how they're feeling and that's fine. That is okay.
I would definitely relay in the best way to anyone that you can truly get through this. Even at the time where it feels like you can't and trust me I've felt many times that there is no way that I'm gonna survive through those huge mountain climbs. But that's the thing is that through this journey, you shot yourself when you actually can and you get up and you use the hope that I was talking about in that fight. And you just push yourself through it. Even if you fall down, it doesn't matter you will fall down. You just need to sit down for a while and that's fine. It's in your pace, but you keep pushing through for you.