I was in the bottom of a very, very dark pit, and I couldn't see a way out.
From the time that I was about 15 years old, I found myself being very mean to myself
and thinking really negative thoughts about myself like, "You're so stupid. You're so ugly.
Nobody wants you around. No one wants to hear your opinion. You're not valuable and
you're not lovable."
I couldn't see life clearly. I couldn't see that people loved me. I couldn't see that I was worthwhile. I would go to the grocery store and I'd feel like I was walking into battle, that people were there to hurt me.
I stopped doing all the things that were fun and enjoyable, and I just existed. At the time that I was at my worst, I had made the decision to end my life because I thought that
was my only option. I felt that I couldn't put my family through this anymore. I thought that I was actually being mean to my family by staying here, by living. I felt like if I ended my life, I'd be doing them a favour. I'd be taking away that burden that they've had to live with for so long.
And yet, there was this other side of my brain that was telling me that I didn't actually want to be dead. It was just that I wanted the pain to stop.
So, when I had made the decision to end my life, I had begun to put a plan in action.
And at the moment that I did, my husband came home from work. And in that moment, it was just enough for me to grab ahold of the light and the love that I know that he has for me. And I put my hand up and I said, "Please help me."
And it was when my husband sat with me and said to me, "I'm here with you, in this dark pit. And I will sit with you and I'll ask nothing of you. We'll just sit together."
This was real. And they were looking after me and that made all the difference. It made that light grow even stronger, because suddenly I wasn't there by myself. I was surrounded by doctors and nurses and family members. And I realised that you don't have to do this by yourself.
Starting the conversation is the first step in getting better.
I will always have depression. It's a part of my life. It's a part of who I am. But that doesn't mean that I will always be depressed. I have found that I have taken those thoughts
and I stopped them and I've changed them to something positive. Every thought, every time. And in doing that, those negative thoughts don't control me anymore.
The hardest thing to do is to say, "Please help me," and to start the conversation, and to let people know that that is where you are, that you wanting to end your life. And having that conversation and asking for help is the most important thing. It's the three hardest words to say, but it changes everything.
There are people in your life, in everyone's life, that will reach down into that pit and will help you get out. They're there. Put your hand up. Say, "Please help me."
If you or a loved one is facing this situation, it's so powerful just to say to them, "I'm here with you. I hear you, and I'm with you. I'll ask nothing of you then to just sit and be together."