Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / Anxiety / Im feeling overwhelmed.Loneliness and guilt.Dont want to lose friends.

Topic: Im feeling overwhelmed.Loneliness and guilt.Dont want to lose friends.

  1. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    122 posts
    5 April 2022
    Hi and best wishes. I am starting to feel myself slide again . I have long been involved in my local football club and having been single for so long so it has been like my family and my support network. I have a partner now and she isnt that interested i dont know how to go about things as far as continuing my involvement. I dont want to lose her over it but i need my friends and my social network. I have had a huge battle with depression and anxiety for my most of my life. I have leant on people for support too much at times and im scared that i may not have that support anymore because they may be tired of it. I have sruggled with work for so long as a result. I just want to be happy again .I feel like im on this horrible treadmill and never get anywhere. I would appreciate any feedback and thoughts from anyone i hope i have described my situation ok as it is hard to do . Thanks for reading and best wishes . Brett.
    1 person found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6829 posts
    5 April 2022 in reply to Beaser
    Dear Beaser,

    Thank you for finding the strength to post in our forums. We encourage you to recognise your significant courage.

    When we find a partner, there is sometimes an expectation that we completely give up our own support network and rely completely on our partner for all of the support that multiple people gave us before. To us, this seems like a lot of pressure for support to place on one person.

    For those of us who have partners that encourage us to fully give up our own external support systems, this may become concerning to us as isolation from our friends can open us up to unhealthy relationships.

    If things start feeling concerning, we would encourage you to talk with your GP, or call a service like Beyond Blue at 1300 22 4636

    Warm regards,

    Sophie M.
     
    1 person found this helpful
  3. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    355 posts
    5 April 2022 in reply to Beaser

    Hiya Brett,

    Welcome back, it's great to see you posting again. Sorry to hear about what you're going through at the moment. If I understood correctly, am I right to assume that, when you mentioned about not wanting to lose your partner, but also not wanting to lose your friends and support network, are you referring to the imbalance time spent on your partner, while not spending enough time with your friends and family? And if you don't mind helping me better understand, what did you mean by your partner isn't that interested?

    Jt

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    122 posts
    5 April 2022 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi again JT and thank you for your kind response.

    Yes i think you have summed up my situation right. It is the inbalance of time that i spend with my partner. I have been single for about ten years and i have no family contact. As a result my friends and especially my football friends have been basically like my family and i do credit it with holding me together at times. I have put in a lot of volunteer work there and found it very rewarding. I guess i feel like im letting people down by not being available as i once was. My relationship is important to me and it stresses me about how to balance the two. When i say she is not interested i mean that going to the footy doesnt really interest her and i dont want her to be uncomfortable about going. I just dont want to cut off my valuable friendships. I hope this makes things a bit clearer JT. Thank you and please feel free to ask any questions . Thanks again JT.

  5. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    122 posts
    7 April 2022 in reply to jtjt_4862
    Hi and thanks again JT. I was just wondering if you had recieved my reply to your message. I may have replied as just a message and not used the reply box.. Thanks again Brett.
  6. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    122 posts
    7 April 2022 in reply to Sophie_M

    Thanks Sophie.

    I always appreciate your replies and thoughts Brett

  7. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    355 posts
    7 April 2022 in reply to Beaser

    Hi Brett,

    People's situation and priorities changes over time, so it's understandable if you need to trade some time between priorities and tasks. For example, I know my friends aren't as available as they once was, because majority of them have got partners and families to prioritize, but we catch up whenever our time aligns, and it's always a blast when we have a lot of things to share from the time we last see each other. If either of us needs help, we're always there for each other. If it helps eases your mind, you could speak to your friends about your situation and worries and see what their responses are? From how you mention they've been supportive in holding you together at times, I'd assume they'd be understanding of your situation, and will continue to support you even if you choose to shift more of your time towards your relationship.

    I am curious to know a bit more, as you've mentioned that you're worried about letting your friends down if you're not spending enough time with them. Is it the same thought as well if you're not spending enough time with your partner? And has your partner spoke to you about wanting you to spend more time with her?

    Thanks for clarifying about what you meant by not interested. Not all interests between partners have to align, but there should at least be some core interest that bonds partners together. It also depends whether this is a game breaker for you, or if you're happy to accept that in your partner.

    Jt

  8. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    122 posts
    8 April 2022 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi and thanks Jt.

    I probably feel at times that ive let my friends down because i guess after so long ive spent so much time with them and suddenly i dont do that as i have other things to prioritize. I guess ive always been a people pleaser and thats not always a good thing. I think my genuine friends will be happy if they see me going well in life. And yes it does feel the same if dont spend the time with my partner that i have been . I have spoken to her about it and she says she is ok with it i guess i cant ask much more. Thanks again. Wishing you a Happy DAY .

    1 person found this helpful
  9. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    355 posts
    8 April 2022 in reply to Beaser

    Hi Brett,

    That's great to hear that your partner is supportive of you, and yes your friends will be happy if they see you going well in life. Both friends and partner want what's best for us, and no matter how we decide to spend our time, the ones that really care will be supportive of our decisions.

    Always happy to listen to you more Brett, hope you have a great day as well :)

    JT

    1 person found this helpful
  10. HamSolo01
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    HamSolo01 avatar
    926 posts
    8 April 2022 in reply to Beaser

    hey Beaser thanks for sharing your experiences

    There are many themes here I can relate to. It sometimes feels like a spiral. Everything stacks on top of the next thing. It is so hard to navigate those moments because we have implemented a series of what ifs and 'whataboutisms'.

    I don't know advice I can give or if indeed I should be given my own life experiences are unique (as are all of ours).

    I just wanted to say I'm hearing you because depression and anxiety can be quite debilitating and can hold us down. I do hope you are okay

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    122 posts
    19 April 2022 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi and thanks again JT.

    I guess the roller coaster i travel with my condition really affect me in a way that i become very sensitive to every thing. Any percieved criticism goes around and around in my head. I also have the urge to always be a people pleaser. I just hate the thought of upsetting people. I have at times upset my partner ,not that ive done any thing bad,but at times i can get a bit snappy and maybe inpatient with things . Maybe we all get like that at times . Hope your well Brett.

  12. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    355 posts
    19 April 2022 in reply to Beaser

    Hi Brett,

    The condition that you have, is part of who you are. It is something that you can learn to accept, so you can begin to discover ways to work with it. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and it is impossible to wish away something that is part of us. But we can always use our strengths to our advantage, as well as accept our weaknesses to work with it.

    From my point of view (and please take this with a grain of salt), relationships/friendships are strengthen thru expressing oneself truly to others, while maintaining an open mind to give and accept feedback/criticism so that both parties can better understand each other. Whether someone's being snappy and impatient with things, or a loud foul mouth that spews all kinds of insult on others, it is who they are, and if both parties are willing to work together on the issue, then I'd consider that as relationship strengthening. Sometimes neither people can agree with each other, which is when we'll have a choice of either accepting their indifferences and move on, or part ways and invest our time and effort on others who we can grow and learn together with.

    Hope you had a pleasant Easter, Brett. Happy to chat with you more :)

    JT

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    122 posts
    21 April 2022 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Thanks for your reply JT.

    You make a lot of sense with what you say.

    Brett

  14. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    122 posts
    27 April 2022 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi Jt.

    Hope your well . Im feeling a bit lost with things at the moment .I worry that ive lost my relationship because of who i am . Its so hard when you dont have that common ground . Sometimes i feel even selfish for that . I know that my partner has her own problems and i think shes finding that there is too much for her too manage atthe moment. Thanks again Brett,

  15. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    355 posts
    29 April 2022 in reply to Beaser

    Hi Brett,

    Sorry to hear that you're feeling this way at the moment.

    To clarify my understanding, because your partner is going through her own problems and there may be a lot on her at the moment to manage and handle, you feel she may be seeing you as a burden? And is it correct for me to assume that, you're feel there's been a lack of interactions from her, or she's avoiding you?

    You've also mentioned that you're sometimes feel selfish for 'that', could you help me better understand what you meant by that?

    Jt

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    122 posts
    30 April 2022 in reply to jtjt_4862
    Hi and thanks again JT. Hopefully i can explain things better . My girlfriend is feeling a bit overwhelmed with looking after her elderly father and her farm as well as maintaining a household and a house that is very old and causing a lot of maintenance issues. As well as working four days a week . I understand that is a lot for anyone . She feels that a relationship on top of all this is too much ATM. I understand this and i think the right thing for me to do is give her the space she needs. I guess my selfish thoughts come from the fact that i feel a need to see my friends particularly at my football club . I want to include her in this but she says she finds it not easy for her as shes never done such things . On top of this she doesnt seem to have a group of friends that she sees so that isnt an out let for her . I think im doing the right thing in not contacting her and hope she sees this too . Thanks again JT . Be great to hear from you again Brett
  17. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    355 posts
    2 May 2022 in reply to Beaser

    Hi Brett,

    Great to hear from you again as well. I came across another post that you made about the end of your relationship. I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you're doing okay healing from your heartbreak, and please take care of yourself first. You'll both certainly need the time away from each other to heal with no contact at all. Your partner certainly sounds like she's having a hard time handling a lot of responsibilities on her, that she's unable to give her 100% to the relationship.

    I'm wondering, when you mention you feel a need to see your friends particularly at your football club, is this need coming from the feeling of, as you mentioned before, "I'm letting my friends and football club down if I do not see them regularly"? There's nothing wrong with not having a group of friends, or seeing a group of friends regularly. People have different social needs and social levels. Some gain more energy and can vibe easily when surrounded by others (extroverts). While some prefer time to themselves, and would engage in social interactions with people whom they find they can open up to (introverts, very selective social interactions).

    Hope to hear from you again Brett, take care of yourself. We're here for you if there's anything that you'd like to talk about.

    Jt

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    122 posts
    2 May 2022 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi and thanks JT.

    Your right about my partner having too much on her plate at the moment. I ran in to her today totally unexpected.

    We had a chat and she told me she is resigning from her job to take on another job.. Im hoping this will be a real positive for her. I had not made any contact for the last week so im trying to do what i think is best . In a way i would like to try again and i miss her. However im trying to be respectful and do the right thing and give her space . I think i need to be strong . Just on the football club I guess ive always got so much out of volunteering at my football club and i have found it hard to not be available as i once was . It has held me together and taken my mind away from my depression and anxiety . Im also looking at changing jobs as i am feeling a bit demoralised and very much lacking motivation where i am . They have been good to me but i cant keep going the way it is . So that is another stressor for me . Thank you again JT. talking and writing is good therapy for me .

  19. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    122 posts
    3 May 2022 in reply to jtjt_4862
    Always good to hear from you and other posters.
  20. That Other Guy
    That Other Guy avatar
    125 posts
    3 May 2022 in reply to Beaser
    "However im trying to be respectful and do the right thing and give her space"

    You seem like a really quality human. I'm really glad to hear that, although I'm sorry your relationship ended.
    1 person found this helpful
  21. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    122 posts
    3 May 2022 in reply to That Other Guy

    Thank you Other Guy.

    I know its for the best . But its hard . The temptation is to ring but maybe she will see me in a better light if i dont .

    Brett

  22. That Other Guy
    That Other Guy avatar
    125 posts
    3 May 2022 in reply to Beaser

    I know it's tough, that's why I think it's awesome you see her as a human and respect her needs, even when it hurts.

    My wife talked about leaving me at the start of last year. We are together because I fought like hell, and by that I mean I gave her everything she needed and respected her boundaries. There's no guarantee you'll get back together, but not respecting her would never change that.

  23. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    122 posts
    3 May 2022 in reply to That Other Guy
    Thank you that means a lot to me . Brett
    1 person found this helpful
  24. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    122 posts
    4 May 2022 in reply to That Other Guy
    Bit tough today i have a job interview and that makes me nervous. Am i doing the right thing im having all that sorts of thing go through my head . It starts me ruminating about my ex partner and what i did wrong . It would be so easy to pick up the phone and call her but every thing and e everyone tells me not too .I know that we all get complacent and start to take things for granted in relationships sometimes . Living alone is so hard at times . It would be so easy to just call her but im resisting..... Hope every one has a Happy Day .
    2 people found this helpful
  25. That Other Guy
    That Other Guy avatar
    125 posts
    4 May 2022 in reply to Beaser
    Good luck with the job interview mate. How long were you together? Have you thought about dating again? Is she dating again? I get not wanting to be alone, but if we accept that she needs space, then perhaps you need to find what you need elsewhere? My wife of 28 years insisted on an open marriage last year. I went on the dating scene even though I didn't want anyone but her. I did meet a lot of ladies who I got on well with, and made a connection. In my case, it led to my marriage coming together again but either way, it was a real journey of growth for me to see I was viable to women in general and had something to offer
  26. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    355 posts
    4 May 2022 in reply to Beaser

    Heya Brett,

    Hope your job interview goes well! Whatever happens from the job interview, know that you're more than capable in dealing with whatever comes your way.

    It's good to hear that your football club has a lot of benefits for you in terms of mental health and overall wellness. If you do feel yourself needing to balance time with other priorities, there's no harm in talking with your football club about it to see what they can do to help you.

    Similar to what The Other Guy said, it's great that you're keeping no-contact with your ex. You need as much time away from her as you can in order to heal and re-learn being comfortable living alone. Surround yourself with your friends and your football club thru these hard times, and do what you feel makes you happy.

    Jt

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    122 posts
    5 May 2022 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi JT'

    I think my interview did go well as i walked away thinking that i couldnt have done any better so i guess thats a pretty good sign , now of course i have that familiar anxiety and churning stomach about am i doing the right thing and can i handle it . I actually ran in to my ex partner by complete accident and that has triggered me to be in contact by text . So that is bringing up similar emotions of am i doing the right thing there or do i just leave it . Being lonely has kicked in . I just dont know how to go about things at the moment, Best wishes Brett .

  28. That Other Guy
    That Other Guy avatar
    125 posts
    5 May 2022 in reply to Beaser
    Always remember, you have no clue who else they interviewed, so you can't control the outcome, but you know you did your best.

    Loneliness is hard. I honestly have no one but my partner and it leaves me vulnerable. Have you thought about a plan to meet other people, not potential partners, but just other people for company so you don't feel alone?
    1 person found this helpful
  29. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    355 posts
    5 May 2022 in reply to Beaser

    Hi Brett,

    You've done your best, and the rest will be in the hands of the recruitment team. But whatever happens, you'll be ok.

    Hmm, that must've been rough when you bumped into your ex. The relationship ended because something didn't work out, so going back now would most likely yield the same result. When we love someone dearly, we want to protect and be with them constantly. But at the same time, we also let them go for what they feel is best for them. We can learn to appreciate the good times we've had, and mourn the end of the relationship. Loneliness comes from the sudden emptiness where it was once filled by your ex. You can fill that emptiness by filling your time with friends/family/football club, or as The Other Guy have mentioned, meet new people.

    You could also spend time discovering new hobbies, learning new skills that you couldn't do while you were in a relationship. Or picking up an old hobby again. Explore new places, things etc. Things to take your mind off the loneliness while you heal thru your heartbreak.

    Hopefully that helps you Brett, happy to listen to you more.

    Jt

    2 people found this helpful
  30. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    122 posts
    5 May 2022 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Thanks Again Jt .

    You always make sense with what you say . I know its best for me to leave things with my ex. I also want to be respected in the way i go about this and i think thats the best way . I think its so much worse if you cant move on with your head high . As for the job im really demoralized and done with my current role . The only thing is i can take leave when ever i need it . The idea of coping in a new job and losing that ability to have time off really stresses me , But is it better than being a role that is demoralizing me. Im not sure . brett ,

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up