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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Depressed partner with cheating behaviours, is it the depression

Topic: Depressed partner with cheating behaviours, is it the depression

16 posts, 0 answered
  1. Agirl
    Agirl avatar
    3 posts
    8 July 2018

    Hi

    I am hoping for some RE assurance here

    my partner of 12mnths has recently confessed to texting girls (inappropriately)

    i found texts on his phone last November , to which he said it meant nothing, it was silly banter with old friends. I said I didn’t like it and it needed to stop. He acknowledged this and we moved on.

    In April this year he started facebook messaging me best friend, she contacted me straight away but given his past performance I asked her to persist. The messages again became inappropriate

    when I confronted him about these messages, he said it wasn’t him, that a frenemy had logged into his account and done it to spite him.

    the next day, being suspicious I went through his phone and found another conversation with another woman, when confronted he told me a friend from work uses his Facebook to have an affair with this woman

    this was 3months ago, I have been suspicious, but he kept denying it was him.

    finally this week he confessed that both conversations were from him. He can’t tell me why he did it, he barely remembers doing it. He only wants me, no one else.

    he says he sometimes feels a haze come over him where he can’t control emotions or feelings, that he does something without realising and only later realised how wrong it is

    his mother passed away tragically when he was in a car accident when he was 12, he was in the car with her and she died at the scene. This has obviously contributed to how he is now at 30. He has said he wants to get help, see a therapist.

    he believes the lying and texting is to do with his mother passing and him feeling so alone for so much of his life.

    i can see how this could happen, I’m just not sure how he will be able to resist texting other girls, why he does it at all and especially with my best friend.

    I feel if he loves me like he says he wouldn’t do this, even if he does need some sort of mental help. Having depression doesn’t make you text other girls does it?

    at the same time his mental state of mind when he texted my best friend, must not have been good, of course she was going to tell me. This makes me think there is merit to his story. He sometime doesn’t have control and when he sees someone about it, he will be better?

    i hope I make sense!

    thank you for any responses

    1 person found this helpful
  2. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
    14679 posts
    8 July 2018 in reply to Agirl

    Agirl,

    welcome to the forum. Tis is a caring, friendl,y and supportive place.

    It seems to me that It must be so difficult for you to cope with your husband's behaviour, as part of you is understandably annoyed and angry with him and yet to also feel sorrow for him and want to help him.

    Do you think he would be willing to see a therapist/psychologist/ counsellor? He would have to want to go and get help to understand his behaviours and not doing it because he feels you want him to.

    There are no guarantees but if he can talk to someone he maybe able to understand why he does things .

    Has he told you about some inappropriate texting he has done before you found out, or does he apologise when he is confronted because he does not remember.?

    These are just a few of my thoughts, not sure if you find them helpful. Other people may have more ideas and suggestions.

    Thanks again for sharing your story

    Feel free to post as much as you want to.

    Quirky

  3. Agirl
    Agirl avatar
    3 posts
    8 July 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi

    thank you for your reply

    yes he does want to see someone, his idea not mine, which I think will help

    im just not sure I can stay with him after what he has done

    he doesn’t openly tell me, so there could be more. I only know of three

    in November he admitted to it, the last two times he says it isn’t him, then finally confessed after I nag and nag

    He says he knows he has done it, but can’t remember doing it, why he did it, he got know enjoyment out of it and has no intention of following through, as in actually cheating on me

    im just not sure the two are connected...feeling alone because your Mum has passed away directly leads to in appropriately texting other girls, one of which my best friend

  4. blondguy
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    blondguy avatar
    11398 posts
    8 July 2018 in reply to Agirl

    Hello Agirl

    Good on you for having the courage to post with us :-)

    Im sorry about your partners mothers passing and his feelings of isolation

    I have had diagnosed depression for over 2 decades and just my opinion through experience.... any major or even minor life event is never an excuse for telling porky pies or misbehaving in a relationship and hurting a partner

    Even other people that use depression as a reason for verbal/physical abuse isnt acceptable in any shape or form. Having the desire to seek help from depression is usually what sufferers do...not what your partner is doing....please excuse me for being blunt Agirl

    To answer your question Agirl....Depression actually makes a guy not feel like making contact with a girl

    I hope you can stick around the forums Agirl. Your thoughts/questions are always welcome

    I hope some of this has been of help to you

    My kind thoughts

    Paul

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Agirl
    Agirl avatar
    3 posts
    8 July 2018 in reply to blondguy

    I’m not sure if he is actually depressed

    i just assume he is, loosing his Mum, feeling alone, these messages give him a confidence boost etc

    he says he wasn’t thinking clearly, was in a haze and made a bad decision due to his sadness/anger etc

    he thinks if he sees someone about it, it will keep his head clear and not make poor decisions

  6. blondguy
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    11398 posts
    8 July 2018 in reply to Agirl

    Hello Agirl

    Thankyou for posting back!

    You are a caring partner and for having the huge heart you possess. I understand that he wasnt going to follow up on his internet activities. Its just my opinion as a volunteer that your partner has crossed the line where relationships and loyalty are concerned. Not to mention with your best friend as well

    From what you have posted the lying and texting (to other females) have nothing to with the passing of his mum

    You have a good and caring thread here Agirl. If your partner was sad or in a haze he wouldnt have the strength to attempt communication with anyone....Its a breach of trust

    my kind thoughts

    Paul

  7. Terry73
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    Terry73 avatar
    170 posts
    9 July 2018 in reply to Agirl

    Im no expert either, and sure, its not really depression which would make him act that way, but depression wouldnt help either.

    I remember you said for your best friend to carry on to catch him out, I am not sure that was the right approach as if it is a habit of his, you dont break him out of it by offering him the habit on a platter, plus you wouldnt get the proper result as your friend would have been trying to coax it out of him in a way, instead of just normal behavior. I guess what I am trying to say is you dont stop an alcoholic by offering him alcohol.

    However, as for the texting and cheating and lying he is doing, I believe it is more habit than depression, and he is using the "depression" as an excuse for his actions rather than facing the blame all himself. I am not saying leave him or stay, that is for you to decide on what is best for you, I am just trying to break it out in to the open so you can see clearly how to deal with the issue without all the smoke and mirrors, and make a proper choice, come up with a solution and finally be able to get back on track with life.

    I am sorry if this sounds harsh, it is not meant that way, just trying to offer help

    Terry

    1 person found this helpful
  8. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    16441 posts
    9 July 2018 in reply to Agirl

    Hello Agirl, and a warm welcome to you.

    All the posts above have been good and said most of what I was going to say, but just want to emphasise the point that if he says it's because he had depression and blaming the texting on this, is certainly an excuse that holds no bearings.

    A depressed person doesn't have the strength nor inclination to ever want to do this and I can understand why you wanted your best friend to keep the door open for him to message her on facebook, just to see what actually happened, that's very brave of you and it takes a lot of willpower.

    The excuses he makes are made because he just doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions.

    He has agreed to see a therapist 'to keep his head clear and not make poor decisions', please let us know how everything goes.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

  9. Joeyc
    Joeyc avatar
    1 posts
    14 June 2019 in reply to Agirl

    April

    im having the exact same problems with my partner!

    Im really struggling. He’s just gone to see someone for help today I would love to talk to you about this as I’m really struggling and I don’t want to talk to my family and friends about this because he has a good heart and don’t want anyone to look at him differently or worry about me. Could really do with talking to someone going through same thing.

  10. Chicquita
    Chicquita avatar
    2 posts
    30 June 2019 in reply to Agirl

    I’m in a similar situation where my husband was texting a girl from work very inappropriately that I consider it an emotional affair. He has reasoned it to us having have a long distance relationship for 10 months and not feeling wanted or loved when he returned.

    I have realised that the two situations on not related... his depression or inability to take on ownership over his behaviour/ relationships etc is one thing. The emotional infidelity is another and he HAS to deal with that.

    It’s been a week since I confronted him with the cheating and he has become more withdrawn/ his withdrawal hasn’t changed.

    It’s frustrating because he has a juvenile approach to it - “I’ve stopped texting, isn’t that enough?” !!! Argh!!!

    he’s agreed to get help for his depression. And I’m guys be patient while he does.

    will keep posted here as to the progress

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Sunshine Mountain
    Sunshine Mountain avatar
    1 posts
    19 July 2019 in reply to Chicquita

    Hi All,

    I'm 7 years into this now...it hasn’t stopped. 4 weeks ago I found out he had reached out and now slept with someone, this was after 4 other occasions of me catching him texting or websites where he was soliciting women. I’ve met this ex-colleague of his, my kids and friends have met her. Each time it’s become more and more personal. It started with random websites, then, women he worked with, then women he worked with that we’ve met - that’s the one I can prove he slept with. He told her we were separated getting a divorce - news to me I thought we were happily married and he had grown up! We have been married 5 years, moved three countries and have two beautiful boys.

    I want so much to believe he is ‘sick’ and I want so much for him to heal. After couples therapy, his own therapy, my own therapy (for thinking it was me!), he still continues. He has had a tough, not bad (father in the military, Mom cheating) childhood, so I think there are definitely issues. I’ve been lead to believe a therapy called EDMR could help? I so want my ‘husband’ to be happy in this world. And I suppose a part of me wants him to acknowledge what he has done, accept it and for us to live happily ever after - my fairytale! I think deep down I know this will never be the case and I need to move on and be strong, but I am so torn!

    😞

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Trevsorrow
    Trevsorrow avatar
    1 posts
    26 July 2019 in reply to Sunshine Mountain
    He is sick, I did the same to my wife.
    I wasn't even aware that I was doing it until I had been medicated but it was too late by then my wife of 8 years left right as the medication started working. It's not depression and it's not anxiety that cause it but the medication I am taking is for those two things, once they kicked in I could see what I was doing and I never wanted to be that person.
    Get him help he needs mental professionals, stand with him and give him the chance I wish I could of had.
    3 people found this helpful
  13. Vanay
    Vanay avatar
    1 posts
    23 February 2021 in reply to Chicquita

    Hi Chicquita:)

    Your words on this forum really stuck with me, I hope that this reply finds you well. I am just now going through a very similar situation to what you went through and am wondering if there's a light at the end of the tunnel, where you and your partner are now happy or if you have closed that door with him and you are happy. He has really hurt me by cheating virtually with other random women, but I know he is also deeply sad a depressed, yet refuses to take responsibility. I love him and care for him so much but hate what he did. I have asked for a break for him to work and better himself before he can be with me, might force him to take responsibility. But I feel like its hurting even more knowing that he hasn't got a friend to support him in going to get help. I'm wondering if it's worth separating the emotional cheating from the depression and just be there for him as a friend to help him get out of a really dark place. Or would that be toxic and it would help him more if i said goodbye forever.

  14. Ruthdekock
    Ruthdekock avatar
    1 posts
    5 May 2022
    I have used extra help to spy on my husband’s phone and email for some months and I have enough evidence now. Should I confront him or should I just get divorce? Do you think the court will be ok with the source of my information?
  15. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    16441 posts
    6 May 2022 in reply to Ruthdekock

    Hello Ruthdekock, if you have found proof that your husband has been doing what he shouldn't be doing, then it's up to you, and whether or not you want to confront him and if you feel you are going to be safe, which is most important for you.

    If your marriage has been in disharmony for what other reasons may be possible, then you need to be careful, however, if you want to divorce him, then there are other decisions you need to make, so please, if you can get back to us so e can talk about this.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  16. Juliet_84
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    Juliet_84 avatar
    731 posts
    6 May 2022 in reply to Ruthdekock

    Hi Ruth,

    I think if your trust has disintegrated to the point that you are spying on him and he is talking to other people then it is quite unhealthy. Whether you confront him or leave is up to you, but I suppose it depends on what you want to achieve out of it. Do you want to provide him with an opportunity to explain? Is there anything that could really make it better? If you have been feeling like you cannot trust him for some time then usually the healthiest thing to do is leave. The court doesn’t really get involved in the source of the information as we have no-fault divorce in Australia meaning that you don’t need to provide a reason to divorce, it can’t be used against him or you etc and it won’t factor into any of the proceedings.

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