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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Feel trapped and a bit lost

Topic: Feel trapped and a bit lost

13 posts, 0 answered
  1. Natalie22
    Natalie22 avatar
    6 posts
    1 May 2022

    Hi. I am new to the forum. I am not sure I am writing in the correct section.

    I am in a loveless, sexless marriage and we basically live at different ends of the house and we are house mates.

    About 6 years ago he went to hit me and things have gone down hill since then.

    About a year and a half ago my gp put me on a low dose of antidepressants for antidepressants for anxiety but I was quite resistant and stressed and I think I had a reaction to them.

    It was not a pleasant experience.

    Things here are pretty terrible as he has a medical condition and he says things, forgets and then I will be a liar etc. If is very toxic.

    I have thought about attempting but realistically I know that I would not be able to do it.

    I just feel so trapped as I feel that there is no way out of the situation as if I leave him there is nowhere to go, how will I survive, there is nowhere to rent.

    My only choice is to stay in the marriage.

    Sorry about the rambling.

     

     

    1 person found this helpful
  2. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16471 posts
    2 May 2022 in reply to Natalie22

    Hello Natalie, it's so difficult to live in a love-less and a physical marriage, because you don't know what's going to happen next and that's what is so frightening.

    There are a range of different antidepressants (AD) as I tried about half a dozen or more before the doctor found the most suitable one, so if I can suggest, if one doesn't work for various reasons, then ask your doctor to cconsider a change.

    There are several options for you to move out, firstly if you are receiing any Centrelink payment, then you are entitled to get the bond money and two weeks rent from them, which you pay off over a period of time,, plus you can get 'rent assistance'.

    Op shops can provide you with furniture or you can lease the most important, paying a small amount each month or may be others may help you out.

    If you are paying off the house/flat then he an either buy your share or it's sold, because living like you are is not very pleasant at all and not safe for you.

    You mustn't forget that he too, may want the marriage to end so that both of you can move on.

    Do you have anyone who can act on your behalf and discuss this with your husband or perhaps this may not be wise when you are still living with him as you are unsure of his reaction, so this may be best if you can momentarily live with someone else.

    If you decide to move out while he is at work or away, then choose what you want to take and this can be stored in a storage unit at a cheap price.

    There are other options but would like to hear back from first.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  3. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6838 posts
    2 May 2022 in reply to Natalie22

    Hey Natalie22,

    Thank you so much for your openness and strength in sharing this here. It sounds like there is a lot going on, and we’re really glad you could reach out to the forums.

    It is not ok for someone to hit you, or make you feel trapped. We’d recommend reaching out to 1800RESPECT to get support with this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 and they also have webchat here. They are experts in supporting people who are experiencing abuse and will listen in a kind, understanding and non-judgmental way.

    It sounds like it's really having an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online, here.

    It's really important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here. We'd also recommend having a look at 1800RESPECT's information pages here. If you have any concerns about using technology safely, we'd definitely recommend checking out their advice. 

    We are here to support you and you are not alone. Thank you so much for sharing here. Please feel free to share a bit more and let us know what is going on for you, and what might help, if you feel comfortable.

    Kind regards,

    Sophie M

  4. Natalie22
    Natalie22 avatar
    6 posts
    2 May 2022 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff.

    Thank you for you advice

    I will do some research.

    I am not on centrelink but work and I am ALWAYS stressed about how I will pay the bills when I do finally leave.

    The thing that has kept me in the relationship for years is my dogs. Don't want to lose them. I know, pathetic.

    I have suggested seperating and divorce several times, as recently as a week ago and the next day it is like it never happened. He does not really want to be with me but does not want to be alone.

    He wants to work things out but unfortunately when I am the only one who is in the wrong and has an issue it makes it hard.

    I

  5. Natalie22
    Natalie22 avatar
    6 posts
    2 May 2022 in reply to Sophie_M

    Hi Sophie_M.

    He has not hit me, he nearly did years ago, over the years there has been a little push here and there and I guess making me feel uncomfortable/intimidation.

    Even before we got married he was quite controlling and over the years I lost relationships with family and friends. The control aspect has not been to bad the last year or so as I have withdrawn into myself.

    I have spoken to 1800 respect before and they gave me some advice which was able to make me stronger and realise that everything was not my fault and that I was not the terrible person that he was trying to make me believe that I was. I had hit rock bottom and I was a total mess.

    They made me realise that he was gaslighting me and he was inflicting emotional/psychological abuse. It is still really hard I do not cope very well after he decides to tell me how awful I am, I get involuntary shakes and I feel like the drs are writing a novel about me lol (I am just not a fan of doctors)

    I really don't know what to do. This sounds stupid but I work, don't do much and just exist. Don't get me wrong, I have joy but there has to be more!

  6. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11402 posts
    3 May 2022 in reply to Natalie22

    Hi Natalie22

    Sophie has provided some excellent advice above especially with the 'active' links

    I understand the meds and the doctor resistance you mentioned as I used to have bad anxiety/depression for many years and its awful to have. Ive been on a low dose of SSRI's since 1996 as my anxiety was acute and impacted on my day to day well being

    There is a lot happening in your posts...Can I ask if your anxiety levels are having a detrimental effect on your day to day well being?

    Just a friendly note Natalie22....If we didnt have new members the forums would cease to exist so thankyou for being a part of the forum family!

    my kind thoughts

    Paul

  7. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16471 posts
    3 May 2022 in reply to Natalie22

    Hello Natalie, your dogs are paramount for your happiness and fulfilment in life, however, living with a person, as you have told us, is not going to make you feel secure.

    You can't be fooled by his reaction after telling him you want a divorce, if it is what you want be persistent in telling him.

    In Vic you can contact 'https://www.housing.vic.gov.au/crisis-emergency-accommodation' and other State would have similar sites for you to contact.

    These places have cheap rent where I know people who live in a housing flat and are on the dole in one way or another.

    If you are able to obtain one of these places, then suggest or provide him with divorce papers, rather than do it when you are living with him.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  8. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11402 posts
    3 May 2022 in reply to Natalie22

    Hi Natalie22

    We cant predict 'what will or might'' happen with your situation yet there are many gentle people on the forums that can provide you with helpful support you require at this time

    any questions are always welcome :-)

    Paul

  9. Natalie22
    Natalie22 avatar
    6 posts
    15 May 2022 in reply to blondguy

    Hi Paul,

    I think my stress anxiety is affecting my day to day wellbeing.

    Things were going really well but when things get intense here it is like I get thrown back to the bottom again.

    The last few weeks he has been intensifying with pressure on finances.

    He announced a couple of weeks ago that because he has paid all of the bills and mortgage in the marriage everything is his and I can just leave.

    Discovered today that he has moved the finances in our bank account into separate bank accounts to be used for separate purposes.

    He presented me with a piece of paper with demands of how he wanted to do things and I said no and then I discovered that he did this weeks ago anyway.

    I am extremely stressed, insecure and on edge.

    I have an appointment with a lawyer in a fortnight for advice.

  10. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    107 posts
    15 May 2022 in reply to Natalie22

    Hi Natalie22,

    I'm so glad to hear you have made an appointment with a lawyer. That was going to be my advice and I wouldn't agree to anything he claims or suggests until you have done that. I'm pretty sure he can't just say 'The house is mine' etc. and the moving money around is also concerning. I can understand how stressful this must be for you, though once you find out what your rights and responsibilities are legally, you'll be better able to make decisions about what to do next.

    WF

  11. Natalie22
    Natalie22 avatar
    6 posts
    15 May 2022 in reply to WaterFront

    Thank you Waterfront.

    Today has been pretty awful but at least I get to go back to work tomorrow. I have basically cried all day and he has no empathy.

    I just need to listen to my friends advice and NOT ENGAGE!!!

  12. Trade
    Trade avatar
    3 posts
    15 May 2022 in reply to Natalie22
    I know it’s hard, but don’t feel super stressed about his current financial abuse. He can move money around or he likes, the court will appoint accountants to forensically trace everything he’s tried to hide. The court will protect your interests and award you more than 50% of everything, if you’re the major homemaker and if you make far less money than him and if you have less way of supporting yourself when you’re separated. Have faith. Antidepressants might be necessary to cope with a horrible marriage but unnecessary long term xx
    1 person found this helpful
  13. Natalie22
    Natalie22 avatar
    6 posts
    28 May 2022 in reply to Trade

    Hi,

    I went to my appointment with the lawyer and we had to do it by phone conference which I found a bit awkward.

    I gave her as much information as I could and she supplied me with a figure of division of assets.

    Basically he would get the house as he could afford to buy me out and custody of the dogs and I could arrange visitation rights. This is because he looks after them the most while I have been working.

    Yes I would get a settlement, my car and super but I would lose what is most important to me.

    Basically I feel like I have to just toe the line and smile to avoid a conflict.

    On a positive I did make an appointment to see a counsellor on Tuesday.

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