I'm fearful. I've been depressed for a number of months and my thoughts of suicide are getting worse and more frequent. I feel like I'm moving closer and closer to it each day.

I have a psych working with me but I haven't disclosed how close I have been to enacting a plan.

I feel like I'm an attention seeker. I have many opportunities in life, I'm fairly smart, social and bright on the outside. I'm broke and isolated but not in any pain and I don't struggle with things. There are quite a few people who love and care about me. But I'm unable to reach out for help, and when I do it's not enough to just hear kind words about how things will be ok.

I feel worthless, hopeless, trapped and can't see how things can change.

Each day I go through the motions, eat, socialise, exercise and look for work, but also continue to feel I'd like this feeling to end and keep having new ideas towards a plan. I'm worried when I'll have everything nearby I may act on the thoughts. 

I'm exhausted and want some advice on how to speak to my psych.

Hello Lapiz, sometimes with depression we don't actually struggle in the way we would normally do, simply because this illness just blocks off everything and seems to embed us in a cocoon where nothing but our own thoughts affect us.

We can pretend to others that we seem to be OK but deep down we know we're suffering and for the effect from our psychologist, we have to try and be honest and tell them how we are feeling, because it's not beneficial for anyone to talk about the weather etc, we need them to show us the way so we can improve and begin to help ourselves.

This may sound to be difficult, but it's not, especially if we can hand them a piece of paper outlining what's concerning us, then these problems can be addressed in the appropriate manner.

You are exhausted because you are trying to do things that you're having great difficulty with, rather than addressing them with someone who knows how to help you.

Please reach out, because there are many options they can suggest to keep you safe, and don't be afraid to open up, because that's what they hope you will do.

Stay safe.

Geoff.

Dear Lapiz,

We really appreciate you coming to our forum to find some assistance. It takes great strength and courage to write about such personal struggles. We are a very helpful and supportive community.

We are gratified to hear that you are under the care of a psychologist. Even though you are struggling with finding a way to tell your Psychologist about your intense internal conflict, your psychologist is the best person to assist you.

It appears to us that you are extremely concerned with how other people are perceiving you. Is this because you desperately need to fit in, or is it a strong need to not be a burden on anybody else? We suspect that the answer to this question should help you find the same courage to talk about your desire for suicide with your psychologist.

If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

Other phone services include:
Lifeline 13 11 14
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
beyondblue Support Service 1300 22 4636
Kids Helpline (for ages between 5 and 25) 1800 551 800

The following posts on our forum should be helpful:

Saying no to unhelpful thoughts - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/staying-well/saying-no-to-the-unhelpful-thoughts 

Be kind to yourself - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/staying-well/be-kind-to-yourself 

How do you make yourself do the things that make you feel better? - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/staying-well/adherence-compliance----how-do-you-make-yourself-do-the-things-that-make-you-feel-better 

And the following sections of our website:

Recovery and support strategies - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide/recovery-and-support-strategies 

Stories of recovery and hope - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide/stories-of-recovery-and-hope 

Thanks again for joining our forum. Remember that we are here for you.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

Thanks for your replies. Yes I'll try to be honest with the psych about how I am feeling rn. It seems silly to be concerned about what they'll think.

Sophie, you're bang on. I am very concerned with how people perceive me and always try to pretend things are ok. I pride myself on independence and don't like it when people feel sorry for me. I have so many opportunities and ability that I feel stupid to be so depressed, so often and for so long for no reason.

I feel like I'll be a burden on people around me, that they'll get sick of hearing it.

Dear Lapiz~

You remind me of how I've been, and I'd like you to feel better, nobody deserves to feel as you do.

The things you think should be good and a comfort in your life, having people that care, and being bright and so on are basically irrelevant when you have thoughts of taking you life

You have summed it up when you said "I feel worthless, hopeless, trapped and can't see how things can change."

Exactly like I was. My mind narrowed its focus down until all but a few horrible hopeless facts were all I could see.

Yes it is frightening to think of what one might do with the opportunity when one feels so down and hopeless. Also I found at those times by brain was sort of locked and I could not think clearly and see alternatives.

As an aside I did not get better until after I had told of how I felt - it was at that point my treatment started for the right thing, not the watered-down version I'd been describing.

Anyway when one thinks one might take one's life it is extremely handy to have something you can reach for that takes no brains or decision making. I would very much recommend a safety plan. These is an excellent free one to download here called BeyondNow - it fits on a smartphone so you can use it anytime:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

You fill it in in advance. Not only does it have the usual things like emergency contacts, but also a section on what you can do yourself. This is excellent and can be filled with all sorts of things that may distract, amuse or give you a lift. I have links to YouTube videos, music, books, movies, suggestions for walks and tons of other things. You may well have different.

You need not fill it all in in one go, in fact I could not and needed the help of someone that knew me well to help me remember what had been good in the past.

I've found it realy can be a life-saver.

One of the crisis entries I'd include is a place I've found to be more than helpful, it is the Suicide Call Back Service,

1300 659 467

They can be talked to more than once without repeating explanations, have web-chat if you prefer that, and they do not panic, but are understanding and realistic.

https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/

I think I've said enough for one post, please do come back and talk more, I'd like that

Croix

Thank you for your kindness, I'll do those things.

Dear Lapiz~

I'm pleased you are going to try these suggestions. As they have worked for me I'd expect in time (nothing is instant) that they may make your life far better than it is now.

It's not a question of giving up independence, it is simply being in charge your and doing the things that are needed.

One of the other things I found helped a lot was to think back on those occasions when I was seriously considering ending my life immediately but did not. I try to find out what stopped me going further. Often it was something quite trivial such as wanting to see the end of a movie, sometimes a pet, and sometimes more serious things too.

When the situation repeated I'd try to do these things (or think them) again. This gave me a sort of safety valve and also a very comforting bit of knowledge -the fact I'd been in this situation before and come out the other side.

Do you mind if I ask if you have had things that stopped you going further?

Croix