I'm about 10 minutes new to this forum system, and to even being signed up with beyond blue. I've started unpacking some deep stuff with a therapist recently about some past trauma's and relationship abuse that has affected the way I relate to others. I'm 17, going on 18 very soon, slowly moving through the high-pressure last year of highschool. I don't have friends. I really couldn't be more straight forward with it. I have people i talk to at school, but it's not the same as FRIENDS, do we agree? Friendship is more important that just someone being a communication touchpoint, or someone you can go to to make you feel less uncomfortable being alone. I was isolated from school social groups pretty early on into highschool and have struggled to establish deeper connections with people - it's always been surface level, if you understand what i mean. It hasn't ever developed into something that i can rely on, or someone i can go out with on the weekends and so on. That's only been in the past few years. Everything seemed pretty peachy keen before then. Now i'm back at school, after an extended break and exams, and i realise just how little confidence i have in the peers around me. i'm never IN the group, never IN the friendship, and it hurts. Feels like then no ones truly there for me, or follows me up, or wants to connect. I have no one here during recess or lunch breaks. No one to sit with. And it has filled me with a certain degree of shame over the cumulative years. I have so much support, and so much love in my life, it just seems that school is such a difficult place to be. With no camaraderie, no ease.

I think the resultant feeling is that i feel like im doing something wrong, that it isn't normal and that it should be different all the time. That never lets me relax, or release. That just keeps me insecure. I want to know if other people have the same thing...desperately.

Cheers

Hi there,

I think a lot of people feel like this at some point in life. You are not the only one.

One question - have you approached people to sit with them? or asked someone to hang out? it seems scary but i found a lot of my friends in school from just going up and speaking to them. as you say, friendship requires both people to be committed and wanting to hang out.

also, high school is not forever. just go with the flow, try and put yourself out there and the people who are right for you will come into your life. you are so young with so much to give.

dont be so hard on yourself,

jaz xx

Dear belleroses,

I am going to tell it to you straight. Having friends at school is not overly important....The friends you make at school will be lost. Once you finish high school many of your friends will disappear. Life changes and you will not have much time for high school friends. They will get left behind in the past. You will make new friends when you start a job or go to university for example. It's more in adulthood that you end up making stronger connections with people who are all different ages. You will find people who will truly value you as a person in the real world. I bet you have some amazing qualities that would make a really good friend for someone.

I have no friends at 33, I have acquaintances. I am finding its too hard for people to catch up these days and it takes an enormous amount of effort. So my social connections are at work or at university. A lot of my old friends have children and that alone ended our connection. You will find your place socially once you leave school. Trust me when you look back at high school you will see those connections are not so important.

I hope my words of wisdom have helped a little bit.

wow jaz, thankyou. this brought me to tears quite honestly. the 'im so young with so much to give', i haven't affirmed that to myself as frequently as ive probably needed it, and haven't heard it from others so much.

in response to your question...yes, i have frequently tried to put myself in new situations. changing groups pretty much each school term. but like you say, it requires commitment on both ends, and ive struggled to feel like im valued by the people ive tried connecting with.

thanks for your care, and sensitivity.

Definitely. i couldn't agree more. And i suppose i know that after school things will look up in so many different ways. i think im holding myself back, because i AM being hard on myself, and don't really feel like im enough at school or in amongst my generation. It's relieving to hear thats it's not a total abstraction to not have close friends, or even 'friends' for instance at different periods of our lives.

thankyou. i appreciate it.

Belleroses, I’m sorry to hear. I well feel this pain, sorrow grief. It has been a life long pattern, here’s the thing - people come & people go in life. Find your tribe in hobby groups where you have common interests. If others do not accept you as you are, then their not great friendship material for you. Be self-aware on how you impact others. Don’t look for external validation from others, most times you will never get it - look internally and be your own cheerleader. Your confidence will grow, your young give yourself a break!