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Forums / Anxiety / I’m so horribly unattractive

Topic: I’m so horribly unattractive

  1. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    16 April 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hey there Croix,

    how are you? First and foremost, yes I have time to do art as well as study.
    i do plenty of drawings and some painting. Typically use water colours or sometimes pastels as I admire the vibrancy of them.

    I enjoy my writing content class as well as photography and sound.

    Thank you for your response. :)

  2. jumpy jellyfish :-]
    jumpy jellyfish :-] avatar
    272 posts
    19 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    hey PF,

    how are you? hope you're doing ok :)

    sorry for the late reply btw. wishing you all the best xx

    also that sounds cool what you're doing at uni! glad you enjoy it :)

  3. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    20 April 2021
    I’m having trouble with my financial part at uni. They want me to pay a particular amount of money by a certain date and I can’t. And if I don’t then they will withhold my marks and then I won’t be able to collect the certificate. I don’t even really know why I bother anymore. It truly was silly of me to ever really think I was going to amount to anything or contribute to this world by pursuing a wonderful occupation anyway. How silly of me! I should be far more realistic. My dreams probably won’t come true anyway.
  4. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    20 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur
    Maybe I’m just overanalysing and overthinking but boy I feel so defeated.
  5. Boudica
    Boudica avatar
    195 posts
    20 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hello,

    Don't panic dear, I am sure you can work this out it is just an annoying administrative bump in the road, not one that will change your journey :)

    Am I to understand that you cannot qualify for HELP (the govt loan scheme for tertiary fees), and you are trying to pay your fees as you go? If you are not sure if you qualify, I would certainly recommend you check (most Australian citizens do qualify but it depends on the course you are studying). Normally the university issues an invoice once it gets to census date, and then if you have filled in the correct applications for HELP the charges will be sent to your HELP debt and you do not have to pay anything upfront. The government loan scheme allows you to essentially study for free now, but you have to start making payments once you earn over the threshold (around 50K / year from memory. You just complete the forms online when you are taking care of your enrolment at the university. If you are a full time student and receive austudy, you may also be eligible to borrow additional funds of approx $1000 per semester if you need to cover other costs through Centrelink (student start-up loan) which can be added to your HELP debt. This may be useful for costs such as such as a computer or books or extra curricular activities. To take advantage of this option you apply through the Centrelink website.

    Speak to someone at your university that can talk you through the payment options, as it can be confusing system to navigate for the first time. I know that sometimes you can get unhelpful people, but there are usually equal numbers of nice people who will do what they can to help, so persist if at first you do not understand your options.

    Do not take the threats personally that are contained in the letters to make you pay up (withholding grades etc.), they would just be automated letters made to frighten people into immediate payment! If you find so way to pay in time, the grades would not be held up forever anyway, only until the fees are settled.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. TheWookie
    TheWookie avatar
    36 posts
    21 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur
    Heya Fur.
    Your ex sounds like a real douche.
    1 person found this helpful
  7. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    21 April 2021
    Oh, yes. I’m beginning to think that but part of me still feels empathy towards him because life must be pretty miserable as a narcissist.
  8. TheWookie
    TheWookie avatar
    36 posts
    21 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    And that is exactly what a narcissist feeds on...

    homestly if someone is that shallow they are going to treat you poorly based on their perception of how you appear, they do not deserve your empathy. Especially if that person is a partner!

    how you look should only matter to you. Who you are is what should be more important to others.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    21 April 2021 in reply to TheWookie
    Precisely. Absolutely true and shallow.
  10. jumpy jellyfish :-]
    jumpy jellyfish :-] avatar
    272 posts
    24 April 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hey PF :)

    How are you?? Once again sorry for the late responses.

    I'm sorry you're having trouble with your financial part at uni-have you been able to look into anything Boudica suggested? You aren't silly at all for a hiccup along the way, I'm sure you'll be able to get things figure out :)

    As for feeling empathetic... people taking out cruel, untruths onto you no matter what is so not fair on you and they do not deserve you feeling bad for them doing that because it's straight up mean and clearly you guys standard are on opposite sides of the spectrum. You're on the moon in the stars... he's well... lowwww. You are such a compassionate person and that is an amazing quality xx use it to heal your struggles :) You deserve it

    You are beautiful, strong and independent and you have far to go :) Work on yourself, and getting to those goals you have. You'll get there and do great :)

    1 person found this helpful
  11. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    1 May 2021

    Hey there, feeling a little sentimental tonight. I saw a recent video of my ex partner and he was laughing and looked incredibly happy. It is as though he doesn’t care and isn’t grieving. It is as though he is happy that I left him. And I feel like he never really loved me and it was all a lie. People say I am such a bright, vivacious and incredible young woman but how come he isn’t feeling my absence?

    feeling a little disoriented and upset.

    PSYCHEDELICFUR.

  12. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10938 posts
    1 May 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Dear PsF~

    You know already there will be mixed emotions, it is human nature and seeing him has brought negatives to the fore.

    Frankly if it was someone who was praiseworthy, honest, compatible and loved you, and you left them then they would indeed look sad, and you would be looking to yourself and wondering why you left.

    As it is a shallow person has gone off to bug some else's life and not realized the gold that was offered, and you had the wisdom to see or sense this person's worth and end the matter.

    There is no 100% quick fix to greif and loss, however you have a rich tapestry of interests and activities. There will be a lot to look forward to when this little bit of self doubt evaporates.

    Your theme Eleanor Rigby has sad lyrics, true, about lonely people - but flip it over, there is the observer and those the observer invites to look - all presumably from a better place - at those less fortunate. You are not Eleanor (or Father McKenzie:) and the song can be as much about gratitude rather than the lament it is at first assumed to be.

    Perspective can help

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  13. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    2 May 2021 in reply to Croix

    Perspective does help and will help for sure: thank you for your lovely words Croix. Love the Eleanor Rigby reference too.

  14. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    2 May 2021
    Why why just WHY do I miss him sometimes???? He treated me horribly, he was so horrible to me. Took me for granted!! Why would I miss that????
  15. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    2 May 2021
    I desperately yearn to break this trauma bond. Honestly I do. It brings excruciating pain to me. Healing is funny like this though. One day I’m floating around in pure bliss and I feel fine. I feel like Joan of Arc, completely and utterly invincible and full of power. And best of all I can fight my own battles and identify my strengths. And then there are days or moments like last night and today where I feel quite sentimental. Why do I miss someone who belittled me? Why do I wish he could just miss me and see that I treated him right? I did not care that he was not model material. I did not care that he was different to what I had wanted and hoped for in the past, when looking for a relationship. I spent hours upon hours crying but then cooing gently to myself. Hoping and pleading for answers. Wanting, wanting so badly for him to change. It has been approximately one month since I broke it off with him. And I just wish this trauma bond that he manufactured between us would just leave my side. I want to free myself from this pain and consistent emotions of self doubt, confusion and suffering. I wish he would stop to think about how he can change his ways. Wishing and hoping won’t do anything though. It’S the way he is and until he properly identifies the root of the problem, it’s the way he is most likely going to stay.
  16. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6630 posts
    2 May 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur
    Hey there PsychadelicFur,

    Thank you for being so vulnerable and open with us on the forums. It takes a lot of courage to open up and we hope you are to recieve some support and kind words from other members of the forum. I am sorry to hear about what a troubling time you are going through. If you are wanting to talk through some of these complex feelings tonight, we would recommend you getting in touch with 1800 Respect. They offer 24/7 counselling over the phone for anyone who has been effected by unhealthy or abusive relationship cycles. You can contact them on 1800 737 732.

    Warmest Regards
    1 person found this helpful
  17. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10938 posts
    4 May 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Dear PsF~

    It's hard, having a broken heart, you know it, but more you know the necessity, though as times you wonder if you are strong enough, the temptation to return to the old familiar toxic territory is surprising in its strenght. Logic says no, the heart tends to be the traitor.

    You will get there

    Simon & Garfunkel: El Condor Pasa is a song about that desire for freedom, not to be the someone beaten. "I'd rather be a hammer than a nail" sums it up.

    Maybe it is a reminder of all the other people in other situations who have to fight a similar battle. Humans have strength.

    Can I suggest you try not to be alone, letting your thoughts take hold, but be with others, not for deep and meaningful conversation, but just company, maybe where music can be found?

    Hang in there, you are winning

    Croix.

    1 person found this helpful
  18. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    4 May 2021 in reply to Croix

    Beautiful response Croix. Thank you.

    And that Simon & Garfunkel track is gorgeous. I can recall that I have heard it once or twice.

    How are you Croix?

    Today I am feeling quite ‘blah’ haha. Very emotional and very all over the place. Need to get out of my mental state and go somewhere else for a little while. That’S why I try to watch movies and read so often but there is only so much you can do.

    thinking hurts sometimes :/

    you are right though... I am truly winning the situation because I’m no longer his ‘love slave’ giving him his daily supply. I’m free. But that bond in which I thought we had still remains inside my heart and mind. Hopefully soon it will vanish and I truly will be free!!

    PF

  19. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10938 posts
    4 May 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Dear PsF~

    I'm sad your mental state is not that good ATM.

    A change if that's OK. Please know there is no obligation at all, I'll understand if you can't assist.

    You asked "How are you Croix? ", frankly the answer is part of today was not good, due entirely to my physical limitations. I had to go to a meeting in a strange place, there was no support chair as prearranged, and after sitting in a normal one for too long my resultant trembling meant I dropped something that made a mess.

    People were kind and cleaned up for me.

    Came away feeling frustrated, a trifle cross and rather embarrassed. I know it will all replay tonight and I'll need to reach into my mental bag of tricks to hopefully get some sleep.

    As your musical tastes seem similar to mine - and your knowledge very broad - if you do not mind I'd ask for your recommendations to play, a couple of songs or instrumentals maybe, that would sooth these mental after-effects and leave me philosophical and calm. All of my usual songs are 'well worn' so something fresh will always be good.

    I hope selection may occupy and keep your mind away from loss for a little while - mutual help perhaps?

    Please don't stress over this, it's just a passing thought.

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  20. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    4 May 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hello again Croix,

    first and foremost I am very sorry to hear about your not very pleasant day. I’m also sorry to hear that you had to go to a meeting in a strange, possibly unfamiliar place too. And I hope you are feeling perhaps quite a bit better now you have vented and left the situation. Hope all is well. Did you get up to any other things today? If so, would you care to share?! No pressure or obligation whatsoever to share either. I’m glad to hear people were kind and considerate too. That very much helps the situation a whole lot more. Small gestures like bypassing strangers saying something nice to you or even smiling can help out, especially if you are experiencing a not so nice day. Glad to hear that there was a rainbow after the rain so to speak.

    I really enjoy music. A lot of people around my age bracket certainly would not choose some, indeed most of the things I listen to. And that’s ok. I’ve established myself as quite ‘eccentric’ to my university peers anyway. And honestly I’m beginning to come to terms with that. I have my friends that I associate with outside of my studying regime and that’s actually ok for me!

    There is so much to share. We could definitely share songs maybe albums too. That sounds like a good idea.

    Back to the EX : great!! Ahah. Questions pop into my head though : Did he really ever care and love me? And maybe because he made out it was always me who caused the issues when I use to overanalyse and overthink.. he would be love bombing me next and then stonewalling me other times. Whilst also invalidating my feelings and making me feel unloved and indeed more lonelier than I have felt for a long time.

    all the best. Have a peaceful night.
    PF. Groove is in the heart.

  21. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10938 posts
    5 May 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Dear PsF

    I'm afraid the rest of the day was ruled by a physical reaction to the inappropriate seating, no spinal support=not good.

    Still I had an unexpected encounter with a friend later that day which was an excellent distraction.

    I do not get to sleep easily, do you have a particular song/instrumental to help calm?

    I'm afraid with your ex that being nice then horrible is a means of control and increases dependence, The person tries harder and harder to get that good mood back, but it does not happen. Results in feeling unworthy.

    Similarly always saying it is your fault has a cumulative effect that increases self-doubt and low self esteem, again a means of control.

    I'm sure you know all this already, however maybe someone else saying it might help.

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  22. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    6 May 2021 in reply to Croix

    I really hope you are ok Croix. Apologises for my late reply. I have not really had much mental strength to sit down and focus on writing a response. My brain is all over the place. I’m sorry about that.

    feeling a bit out of it and overwhelmed at the moment.

  23. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10938 posts
    7 May 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Dear PsF~

    Please don't worry about me, I've had a very long time to get together a bag of tricks to deal with the badder times and will be OK. It is as much my physical condition as anything else that stops me coping properly at the moment.

    Also there is no timescale for you to respond, you do or don't at a time that fits in with how you feel - and that's just fine.

    Feeling overwhelmed happens. I try a couple of things. The first is talking to others, it need not be heavy or all-revealing, just light talk can help.

    The other is the free smartphone app Smiling Mind. Have I mentioned it before? I forget. Anyway I find it takes my mind away from my current situation and leaves me with a fresh view of things and calmer. The particular bit I use nags me a lot to concentrate -just as well as my attention span is pretty small.

    With music, you might find Tour of Duty Album 1 to your taste, it is on YouTube. I guess my favorite on that record is The Animals We Gotta Get Out of This Place

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  24. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    7 May 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hope everyone has had a wonderful Friday. Hope it was productive but yet somehow quite relaxing too. How are you all??

    My body dysmorphic disorder is playing up today. Leaving me exhausted and frustrated. :/

    feeling low energy wise and mentally drained. Sending love and hugs to those who need it today xxx

  25. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    12 May 2021

    It has been 42 days since I have spoken to him. And almost two months. Well, what an amazing achievement and effort on my behalf!

    He unblocked me on the 30 days mark. Probably thought we could do the 30 day no contact rule. And then I blocked him again. Feeling quite good about the whole no contact situation. I’m rediscovering myself. I lost a part of me when I was with him because suddenly what I wore was embarrassing and some of my interests were not to his liking.

    Since not speaking to him I am feeling far more capable and independent. My skin is glowing, I’m eating more healthier, I attend university classes every single day and more importantly I’m wearing more of my extravagant clothing once again - not that I didn’t with him I just toned it down a little.

    If there is someone else out there who is going no contact with their narcissistic ex please just don’t give up. It is difficult for a while, heck it is still difficult now. And they are like heroin or alcohol. Really highly addictive. So bests to stay clear and keep to yourself.

    I’m feeling proud of myself because i would never imagine myself changing in such a rapid or sudden way. I’m stronger now. You know, when I was with him I felt emotionally weak and incapable. Now I feel like a Goddess.

    if you cannot find the love from others then you must find the inner strength to love yourself unconditionally. Because when you start to love yourself you see that the behaviour you put up with before is way below your level of standards now.

    PF.

  26. Boudica
    Boudica avatar
    195 posts
    12 May 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur
    Awesome PF, I'm so happy for you, you're rocking it!!!
    1 person found this helpful
  27. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    12 May 2021 in reply to Boudica
    Thank you lovely. How are you going? xx
  28. Croix
    Community Champion
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10938 posts
    12 May 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Dear PsF~

    You sure sound more like your old self, and I'm sure the way you can express yourself in dress (and music) will make you feel good too, why don't you borrow a song out of my playlist, even if not your style?

    Via Con Me, Paolo Conte

    You don't need to speak Italian to get the idea ( I guess you can look up the translation of the lyrics if you like, its all good, about escape to a better place).

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Boudica
    Boudica avatar
    195 posts
    12 May 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hi PF,

    Thanks for checking in. I'm a bit overwhelmed at the moment. It is my own fault though, as I always take on too many commitments, overestimating my productivity and time available. I'm just trying to break it down to little tasks.......one by one!

    1 person found this helpful
  30. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    14 May 2021

    That’s no good. I hope you are going well today. Sending good and positive thoughts to you.

    thinking, as of late of becoming a spinster.

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