I’m so conflicted and confused... 😨😨😨😨😨 I feel frustrated and really hurt..

she was so cruel to me mentally when I was little.

Dear PsF~

What can I say to try to ease things a bit? You are quite bright enough to have thought of all this before. Perhaps being told by someone else may help.

Children reserve a special place in their hearts and trust for parents. With good parents that works out well and the love and trust is totally returned, and also used to guide the child into being an adult.

Sadly we do not always get the parents we deserve, I didn't for one, and you did not get the mother you deserve either. A major long term downer.

You got a mother who was not loving and even managed to hurt you when not even trying to. A selfish woman who now, despite having hooked up with another, wants more than her fair share of what she and your dad had together.

On top of that she is having a baby. OK, on the surface one might think that she was unhappy with you and was trying for better. This of course is rubbish.

One standard way some women have to 'cement' a relationship is to get pregnant and have a baby. I guess they think it is something that will bind the man to them. Frankly I feel sorry for this new life when it arrives, it will not be loved any more than you were and she will probably be just as incapable of mothering it properly as she was for you.

Sorry to be so blunt, however I'm trying to get across the idea it is no lack in you that makes her behave as she does.

Am I making sense?

I'm sure you dad finds great comfort in your presence, even if you two might find it hard to get a decent place to live if things go badly.

Thinking of this all the time is not that good for you, which is why I asked if you have 'mental retreat'. An imaginary place where you can step out of the worries into a different world for a moment. Amazing how much perspective that can give.

Maybe for a few minutes imagine you were at Haight & Ashbury in the late 50's or 60's.

You might see Janice in her Mercedes Benz:)

Croix

Thank you Croix. Those words are very comforting during these unprecedented and trying times. How are you going? What have you been up to?

I can see now that she is trying to, in a very silly way, cement the relationship. She is in her early forties now. She complained about how it took so much energy off her when I was little and she was twenty five years of age then. She complained about doing the bare minimum for me. If you are not attentive to one child’s needs I can only suspect that she will be the same with this future baby.

It’s all so baffling.

hope you are well Croix.
thinking of you, hoping everything is going along smoothly.

p.s I crank up Billy Joel and Cyndi Lauper when I am upset. It soothes ma soul haha

take care,

PF.

It’s hard for me to process all of this...

It has only been a little over forty eight hours of knowing.. and I’m still confused, conflicted and unsure.

I don’t know what to think. I tried to talk to her today and tell her that it is a massive life commitment. Instead she just shrugged me away and didn’t listen nor even comprehend a single word I sent via message.

I’m torn and broken.
I’m like Natalie Imbruglia in her song ‘torn’

I’m very deeply hurt. Hurt in such a profound way that sometimes it can be quite unexplainable, it has just recently felt like this. Sometimes words are not enough. Sometimes words cannot help me convey what I even want to say. Does this all make sense?
I sure hope so!

Signed a very confused and emotionally exhausted PF.

Of course it makes sense, mental rest (i.e. thinking of something else) is the short term help and release.

See if you can find the "Drogstore" (yes spelled right) Café

'night

Croix

Good morning everyone, doing somethings today that will hopefully help my situation.

thank you, take care all..

PF.

Hello PF...

Wishing you and your dad the best luck I have to give...

Hugs lovely lady..🤗

Grandy

Well my mum is claiming she has always looked after me and apparently according to her my dad did nothing to help bring me up. Even though I always remembered that my dad did so much for me when she was simply complaining about the bare minimum when it came to looking after me. She claimed she always changed my nappy and fed me but that is the role of a mother and that is what a mother is suppose to do. She is saying my dad never took me to school when it hindsight my dad either walked or drives me to school each and every single day.
She has mobility issues (complained about walking to the end of the street) and doesn’t have a license so she cannot drive me places. It was my dad who took me to school, it was my dad who came to my parent teacher interviews in the end and it was my dad who has helped me when I have had anxiety attacks. She would scream at me from across the room to “SHUT UP!” She would say that I was also fat and ugly and that I needed to lose weight. Then she would proceed to say I needed to go to a “mental institution” too when I was hyperventilating during my severe anxiety episodes. My mother is lying and I really don’t like it. Part of being a mother is to look after the child but she did the bare minimum and she did not want to help me with my mental struggles.

It does hurt me deeply that she is making up such extravagant and cruel lies.. but then again she is a malignant covert narcissist, so what else should I expect from her?

A very exhausted,

PF.

Dear PsF~

I had a look at some of the songs by the artists you mentioned and the following phrases struck a chord

On a toxic parent:

Natalie Imbruglia
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
But you crawled beneath my veins and now...

On having genuine sympathy and and understanding, not just more misunderatanding and being brushed off

Billy Joel - Honesty
But I don't want some pretty face
To tell me pretty lies
All I want is someone to believe

On you despite how you feel

Cyndi Lauper - True Colors
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
But I see your true colors
Shining through

I'm afraid in separations the worse party will make up any excuse, so it is no surprise your mother is doing this. Grab anything and twist it.

Like me you have a template for the future -what not to do bringing up a child and in your case how if a separation is a must then this path is wrong, and kindness and consideration of offspring should be at the front of the mind by both parties.

As you know the world is not always like that , I'm sorry it's the way thngs are. I do consider you a tough person and you will get though it all OK.

Croix

My three favourite songs from those particular artists. Thank you. As usual your insightful response soothes and somewhat comforts me, Croix.

hope you are ok.

Dear PsF~

I guess I was lucky to find songs that resonated, maybe a bit of luck involved, however snatching a phrase here and there that seemed to fit, as did the various moods in each song.

I'm sure you know why I bring up places of mental retreat and make suggestions. Basically thay are wild guesses (as you would no doubt have figured out) however if I look at myself at times of difficulty it has been very easy for my mind to keep dwelling on the problem, and that's a self-reinforcing loop.

I guess I look at my place of mental retreat as a sort of respite or circuit-breaker, and it does do the job, even though it takes practice to be able to do it. It does not change events in the outside world but does lend a bit more ability to deal with those things and even comfort others if needed.

As I think I mentioned mine involves the forces of nature and the sea.

Croix

Dear PsF~

Yes, I know, as do many here. This lack of understanding is something that particularly worries you, could you say if it is one particular person you would want to understand better?

The reason I ask is that I am wondering if something has happened or somebody has said something that has made you feel this particularly painfully at the moment?

Croix

Hey Croix, how are ya?
I hope you are well. What have you been up to?

It just sometimes I hear people say to people with BDD “it’s all in your head.” I, myself have had that response once or twice in my life.

it just got me thinking about how debilitating this psychological disorder genuinely is to live with.
I’m not trying to invalidate other people’s struggles, by no means either. Hope it does not come across that way. We all have our own struggles. BDD to me seems to be really intense to live with. Tired. Always so tired mentally. Trying not to mask my autism anymore either too.. which is super difficult. Masking is another thing that is enormously difficult and really draining to deal with, for me personally.

PF

I’ve been overthinking again : I need to let it out and get some insight from others.

Ok, so I need some more insight. My ex narcissistic boyfriend treats other girls he isn’t dating with upmost respect. For instance he is close friends with a lady who is a cousin, by marriage, he still is really close and friendly with her. She is dating someone so there is no chance for any romantic involvement between them, from what I know. - even though there is absolutely no romantic connection whatsoever, or at least from my observation. He calls her ‘Big Sis’ and she calls him ‘Little Bro’ and he would put on such a beautiful display at their house when he visited. How come he could cook with her, when I was there, but when I dated him he told me to get out of the kitchen and let him do it all?! And he was like that with previous girlfriends. How come he treats girls he is dating like trash yet he treats girls he has no romantic involvement with like goddesses??

He seemed like a completely different person when we left her house. He was so loving, charismatic and gentle when we were all together. We would always be at her house quite frequently too. When I told him ; “I just want to be with him this time and spend time with the man I am dating.” He told me ; “You are being so clingy and asking for too much.”
Could he be looking at luring these other women in for potential supply? He would LEGITIMATELY go out of his way to help these other girls and put on a good front for them. Even though they would constantly show him and give him signs that they were not at all interested.

And when I was with him by myself he was horrible and highly manipulative. I just need some more insight. Why does he put on a good show for her still? They still seem to be quite close despite her knowing what went on between both of us. He is liking her photos and posts, as I am friends with her but not him. It still baffles me..
thank you. I just really needed to get this off my chest. As it really confuses me. I need insight. I don’t like him and what he did to me. And I haven’t spoken to him since I broke up with me Late March.

When I say by marriage I mean she was her mother was married to my uncle and then they divorced by I still talk to her.

Just sending out a clarification there.

Dear PsF~

It's all abut control. They used to be called 'street angels'. It meant that in public, with other people, especially the friends and relations of the person they were concentrating on they appear pretty well perfect. Polite, well mannered, helpful, reliable, humorous and so on -a perfect person.

They saved their dominance and control for the person they had in mind, starting again by looking and acting perfect to secure the relationship, a posture that slipped over time until they were in control.

That was by all sorts of means depending upon what their instinct told them was the best way, what buttons to push.

It put him in a good position, nobody would believe this lovely person could so anything wrong, while the victim was mostly disbelieved.

Do you think the above description in any way is similar to what you are talking about?

Croix

I’m tired. Mentally drained. I’m tired of parenting my parents. I’m tired of telling them not to be desperate. I’m tired of just giving them advice and sometimes they disregard it. I try so hard. All of life, even as a four year old I have to give advice because my parents marriage was so rocky. I’m exhausted. Everyday I feel like my advice or words I give to my parents are just completely disregarded.

PF.

Dear PsF~

OK, you have been injured by someone who is so small inside they have to control another - that injury can pass, I have faith in you.

About holding your parent's hands, once before I suggested you turn something upside-down and look at it another way.

Yes it has exhausted you shepherding them, but what would they -and you -be like if you had not done so? Not so good for them at least.

Every time you guide -or try to guide them, so they are not so desperate you are also reinforcing those beliefs inside yourself, making you wiser, stronger and less given to impulse.

Please try to do what I do,something relaxing that takes your mind away from trouble for a little while. A book, a play list for each mood, write song lyrics ... dunno, up to you, maybe eat a cookie and feel it richly deserved.

Croix

I’m feeling so anxious at the moment.

Dear PsF~

Why you? I would suspect a combination of talent, hard work and rich life experience. Here "rich means being poor"

(Yes that last bit was a joke - sorry about that.)

You also have lived and survived an awful lot, no point in me repeating it all here, we both know it. So that can help, acting, or I suspect writing in some form, will be head and shoulders above those with comfortable lives.

You will, when you find someone you see clearly to love and trust, make a very excellent partner, shouldering half of the problems and avoiding the pitfalls of your parents and previous ex'es due to your experiences.

You mentioned before you do well at study and now having a pretty good offer, that's both an ability and a ray of sunshine in the gloom.

Practical skills, dealing with utility companies and other debts, seeking help from social welfare organizations, it is all things you can do.

I've never seen failure in you not since you started posting, what was it, start of 2019? I forget. You have got though everything and you will get though the accommodation crisis and all the rest.

I have seen love of music and unconventionality -that's been good!

Croix

My Body Dysmorphia is flaring up.
I feel disgusting, overweight, unattractive.
I get nervous when I have to be in front of the camera for videos or photos (taken by other people)

I analyse and criticise everything once I have viewed that photo or video.

Sometimes I speak to my cousin and she talks about so many men that have a crush on her. I feel so inadequate when she speaks about it.. all of these guys like and appreciate her. I feel so grotesque. Like a monster. Everyone my age is slimming down and looking beautiful. I’m feeling like I am the most ridiculous looking thing to ever exist. I know things, particularly relationships should not be forged or formed over such superficial attributes like the colour of my eyes or how skinny I am.

However.. it’s affecting me each day. It just seems to be getting worse. I don’t like leaving home at all. Unless I am wearing something really nice or I have covered myself up with a hat, cardigan etc.

My legs are too short, my thighs are too big, my nose is far too wide, I don’t like my hips. etc. I could just go on and on. I cannot enjoy any nice or pleasant opportunities because of this debilitating disorder. Thoughts currently remind me of ; well if I were prettier than people would respect me more... etc. They say as you get older sometimes looks deteriorate.. it’s freaks me out. I feel like I’m a prisoner. A prisoner of my mind, body and soul. I try to compensate with my optimistic attitude and deep love for my passions. It is what is keeping me going. Especially the academic stuff. Without it I would be extremely lost and helpless.

It’s truly painful. Don’t know what else to say.

PF

Ex partner use to comment on other girls saying “she is hot.”
He would show me pictures of hot women in bikinis. There is a family acquaintance of mine and he said to me once ; “Oh this is very naughty of me to admit this however I think ____ (insert her name) has a very very sexy butt.” Obviously it made me feel ‘unsexy’ and inadequate.

Once we had an argument at the shopping centre and a week lately he admitted to looking at another young woman who wasn’t wearing a bra and she had a white shirt on.

he even said when he was on the train that “ohh I saw so many hot girls without bras.”

And he would talk about his crush and say “oh I will just have to come to terms that I will never be with her. If it were between you and her I would pick her any-day over you.”

He would also say “I sang that song with a very pretty girl at uni... don’t get jealous.”