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Forums / BB Social Zone / Been away

Topic: Been away

25 posts, 0 answered
  1. Jo3
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    22 May 2014

    Hi to all my friends (Neil, Geoff, Mares, GA, Stressless, White Knight, Crash Coyote(John)Bridget and I'm sorry if I have missed someone's name)

    I have been away at Cairns for 5 days four our 28th wedding anniversary.  It was not a perfect holiday at all, things went wrong, I was over emotional, we argued, we went for walks, we couldn't hire a car, we didn't get to do the things we had planned.

    So everyday I was on here with my phone reading everyone's posts and I was getting so frustrated because I couldn't reply to anyone, as I didn't have my computer with me.  I so much wanted to reply asap and I was thinking of everyone.

    Mares, you are a true inspiration to me and others on here.  I wish I was with you right now, away from home, away from everyone, we could chat, eat, drink, cry and laugh together. But I know it's not possible (maybe one day) so I am sending you a huge hug.  I am sorry I couldn't reply to you earlier, I am thinking so much of you and what you will be going through with the Royal Commission.  I praise you so much Mares, you have strength more than what I have ever had, and probably you don't realise.  I am glad to see that you are away for a week or so, just to get your head around this.  I miss my chats with you and hope to chat again soon.,

    GA - I really hope Sydney comes home soon, missing a pet is so difficult.  I know I was away for only 5 days and boy I missed my kelpie, Jersey.  Actually when I arrived home before she was crying and jumping up to me wanting hugs and kisses. She was actually happier than the kids to see me!!!  GA, hope you've come out of your doona and had the lovely drink that Bridget was making you.,

    Neil - I'm sorry I haven't been able to reply to you - but as always thinking of you and your family especially your son.  I'm not up to date with the latest but I will read your post later.  By the way, I love your new picture. I think I need one now, but don't know how, so i will ask my kids to do it for me.

    Stressless - As always, you are another tower of strength and you probably don't realise either.  I am thinking of you as well and hope you are okay today.

    Geoff, I haven't spoken to you for a while but always love what you say to others.

    White Knight - thanks for listening to me rant and rave at times, I do go over the top at times with my emotions, but I always enjoy reading what you write. 

    Crash Coyte (John) - I had to laugh the other day when I read that you were giving Neil a "wog hug".  Nothing wrong with that - I am one too. And boy do we know how to give someone a hug!!!  How are you going? I am not too bad.

    OK, guys I am off to my psych for an interesting session as he knows all about the week of our holiday and I have to re-tell him in a dialectical way (no black and white thinking, no all or nothing thinking, no negatives) - that is going to be difficult!!

    Let you know how it goes

    Take care everyone

    Jo xxx

     

  2. Girl_Anachronism
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    22 May 2014 in reply to Jo3

    Hi Jo

    Great to hear from you, though I wish it was news of a better holiday than you had. I hope the psych session does you some good, it sounds like a difficult task to do. 

    Mayflower will follow me from room to room and is never far from my feet since Sydney disappeared. It's adorable, but worth noting because she normally isn't so affectionate and clingy. I give her all the love she wants, and we look out the back door together, hoping Syd is ok, somewhere out there. 

    GA

  3. Jo3
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    22 May 2014 in reply to Girl_Anachronism

    Hi GA

    I just want to cry. I can't do this anymore.

    My life is so difficult at the moment. Finances are stressing me to the max.

    Jo

  4. Neil_1
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    23 May 2014

    Hi Jo

    Great to hear back from you – and I echo GA’s sentiments in that it was a shame to hear that your special anniversary holiday didn’t provide you with more positives. 

     It really is a lovely spot up there – are there any pieces of your time up there that stood out as being special for you?

    Kind regards

    Neil

  5. geoff
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    23 May 2014 in reply to Jo3

    dear Jo, what I have to say to other people also incorporates you, sorry involve you as well, and whether or not I may not reply back to you it still means that I am listening to what concerns you, and hopefully that what I have say as well as other people have to say is that it maybe something for you to take on board.

    It's very complex depression, but please don't worry we always hear what you have to say, so please never ever feel neglected we love you and are so sorry for what trauma and devastation you had to cope with. L Geoff. x

     

  6. white knight
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    23 May 2014 in reply to geoff

    Dear Jo.

    Beautifully said, lovely considerate words. You are so special.

  7. Jo3
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    23 May 2014 in reply to Neil_1

    Hi Neil

    The only time I thought I was "at peace" was at the Barron Falls.  We took the sky rail to the rainforest and walked to see the falls. This is where I feel calm, maybe it's the water flowing I don't know.

    I think this holiday was very different because we both didn't connect much, well that's how I felt. We did do things together like walking, eating out, but there wasn't much communicating, he would watch tv lying on one couch and i was on the other couch.

    I don't know, maybe the whole holiday was not good, it didn't start off right so I'm not sure. And being financially stressed didn't really help.

    I think we will plan a weekend away - but this time camping. My psych said that we need to reconnect otherwise our marriage will disintegrate dramatically. 

    I am so glad I have you and the others on here to chat to because otherwise I don't know what I would have done or where I would be. So thanks to you Neil and everyone else for just being here for me and I am sorry if I rant and rave at times and lose my emotions quite a bit.

    How can I feel so down and depressed right now but before I was okay. I just don't get it.  I even replied to a post from White Knight before and I was in an okay frame of mind - now it's gone downhill very very quickly.

    Why? I am so lost now, my mood is swinging from anger, crying, despair, anxious

    I'm sorry I have diverted quite a bit,

    Jo

  8. Neil_1
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    23 May 2014 in reply to Jo3

    Hi Jo

    No worries with diverting or someone else might say, digressing!

    I mean, just look at that pic under my name - I worry all the time about our little Nuggz - there she is asleep on our table on our deck and a smidge of her is hanging over the edge and yet there she remains.  Hmmm, reminds me, it's dark outside now, I best go and get her off that table and put her to bed with the rest of the girls!

    Alright alright, I'm going a bit silly - but my tablets will kick in soon, I promise.   Oh look, there goes a white elephant past my window, being chased by a beautiful purple butterfly - or what my children called them years ago, flutterbyes.  And wallabies were wobbilies.  That still cracks me up.

    Now Jo, getting back to Cairns - the sky rail - was that where it took you up to Kuranda?   An absolutely gorgeous little town - I remember a beautiful flutterby house up there that we went into and there were literally 100's of flutterby's there.

    Was that the one?   I remember then, we took the train back down, which was also very picturesque.

    Jo, I believe you're doing everything that you can at the moment.  It's still hellishly challenging for you - we know that, but look, you've been to hospital;  you've got your regular psych appointments, you've taken a holiday with hubby and you can really break that down into much smaller bits that are chocked full of positives.

    Just think - even from the basics of packing - to the trip to the airport;   getting through the airport and all the rig-moral that goes with that.  So many positives you can take out of that trip Jo - what I say here, is to hell with the negatives.  Pick out the positives - and DWELL heavily on them.  (see, I told you them tablets would kick in soon).

    Bye for now.

    Neil

     

  9. Jo3
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    23 May 2014 in reply to Jo3
    tonights a struggle; going to bed under my doona

    (just had a memory of when i was 16 yrs old in my bedroom under my doona rocking myself) that is strange memory, i can remember it so clearly and now i am doing the same thing again after so many years.

    i am emotionally exhausted, can't keep going; it's too hard; 

    i need sleep if i can; too much on my mind

    jo

  10. Neil_1
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    23 May 2014 in reply to Jo3

    Hi Jo

    Me and Nuggzy wrote you earlier - around 2 hours ago - but alas, it's still sitting on the runway, taxi-ing before it can take off.

    Neil

  11. Jo3
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    23 May 2014 in reply to Neil_1

    Neil

    hopefully it will come on soon

    what do i do? how do i get through this dark depression tonight

    i am feeling so emotional, can't do this anymore

  12. Neil_1
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    23 May 2014 in reply to Jo3

    Jo,

    Dear Jo - what about getting onto You Tube and looking up some mid '80's music - some of your fave songs, bands - and while away some minutes enjoying some muzak from yesteryear.

    OR, same kind of idea, but choose some one who you find funny?   Now I have no idea who this might be:  but one of my faves is:  Carl Barron, but I've also resorted to my old favourite from when I was growing up, Dave Allen - our family used to watch him on a Friday night - oh so funny.   Or Jimeoin,  Billy Connelly (although perhaps a bit naughty with some of his words) or Robin Williams.

    Just trying to give some suggestions to help you through Jo.

    I wish things weren't so dark and gloomy for you right now.

    Neil

     

  13. Jo3
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    24 May 2014 in reply to Neil_1

    Hey Neil

    I feel like a bit of a crazy person at the moment.  Cant explain it but I think I need another hospital admission.  Either that or time away on my own.(I know I just came back from a holiday). But I need space, I wish I was strong like Mares and could just tell my hubby that i want to be alone but that will never happen.

    So my holiday would be hospital. It's pretty sad isn't it? 

    Neil, I don't know anymore about anything. I have so many things on my mind that is causing so much stress, anger, emotions, everything. 

    And before you ask again - no I haven't been able to communicate to my hubby about my thoughts or other stuff.  My GP advised to wait until after our holiday together but now he is away for a month so I feel lost again on my own.

    Hey Neil, I like Carl Barron as well, we have a 3 set dvd of him and every time I listen to him i crack up laughing so much. Think I should put that on later today.

    I also have an italian (Joe Avati) and he retells stories of his childhood with his parents, grandparents, aunties and uncles.  And I can relate to his stories so much I can't stop laughing. My grandma used to do the exact same things as his grandma.

    OK, today is saturday another day, I will probably go for a long long walk with Jersey (by the way I have changed my profile and put a pic of Jersey kelpie) hopefully it will come on soon.

    I feel that sometimes i am reaching too often but i feel that i want to keep talking and reaching out and then I don't want it to stop.

    Or maybe I just sit and cry today, hide away somewhere.

    Hope you have a nice day and by the way how is your son going?

    Take care Neil

    Jo

  14. Neil_1
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    24 May 2014 in reply to Jo3

    Hi Jo

    I really enjoyed this most recent post of yours.  Why?  Because it was different to a lot of your other posts - in that this time, you started out with the issues and low feelings, but then you were able to change tack and I even sensed a rise in your esteem in just a paragraph or two.

    You were thinking of good things, of good thoughts and it really showed out.

    You've gone and updated your pic - can't wait to see Jersey kelpie.  :)

    You also wanna know what I think?   I think that if say, you and Maresy were to ever meet and say get together for a lunch somewhere, that you'd order food and the food would still be sitting there at closing time, cause you two would have just moulded so well together, that you would have been non-stop chatting the whole time.   That is a totally WOW and awesome thing Jo - (and Maresy, if you're reading) - cause I reckon you two would just hit it off so well together.   And to me Jo, it seems like you need a "Maresy" in your life - yes yes, you've got us here;  but that's different to someone you can just sit down and talk with.

    I'm not going to ask the question about 'telling your hubby';  but I'm going to ask, "Why don't you ask/suggest to your hubby about having a few days away somewhere - for your own health's sake?" 

    Jo, thank you for asking - my son is going ok at the moment, which is really good.  So yes, it's been about a week and a bit now since the last episode and so it's still early early days yet, but it's 'ok' at this present time.  :)

    Neil

     

  15. white knight
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    24 May 2014 in reply to Neil_1

    Dear Jo,

    If I was ever to meet you all you'd know me...I'm a hugger and I'd hug you all till you couldnt breathe.  You are all so amazing.

    Jo, I dont know of your other side.  We often have another side to ourselves. This 'flip side' can include sports (following a footy team?), a passion (I have a motorcycle) or a hobby.

    I know that if I didnt have my motorcycle I'd be in the doldrums. I went 3 years without a hobby and I was lost, bored and my thoughts were where they shouldnt be.

    Anyway as Neil said you sound a little more pepped up.  On your walk or the next one, I hope you find a large rock or park bench, sit there eyes closed, body relaxed and feel the suns rays against your face. Allow your tears to fall, for a moment or for an hour, slowly feel as one with the birds, the butterflies and the breeze. When ready as you wipe your tears dont wipe them away- rub them into your cheeks for they are priceless gifts of care, love and passion. Your tears are the excess of emotion your mind cannot store, few people have that gift.

    On your way home search for anything that makes you laugh. It could be a fantasy in your mind, a memory or something you see. If you cannot find it do what Neil suggested and find a comic strip on youtube....Mr Bean?

    Dance?  Google "wear sunscreen" by Baz Luhrmann,  and dont forget to rub those tears in for no two precious tears are the same.   Love   WK

  16. Jo3
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    24 May 2014 in reply to white knight

    Hey WK & Neil

    Thanks guys for chatting with me and supporting me because right now I feel so alone. 

    I just want to sit and cry but can't even do that because kids and hubby are around.

    I need to get away, I am crying while reading both your replies. You guys understand others don't

    So you guys know a bit about me - I'm italian, barrack for western bulldogs in the AFL; love tennis (used to play thursday night ladies) until my elbow caused grief so now I don't play at all.

    Used to be a gym junkie - gave that up because i was injured again (shin splints) and that was that.

    As for hobbies - no nothing now. Although I am starting yoga through the hospital as an outpatient so that will be good.

    I have no friends - they are not interested in me anymore because of my borderline personality disorder and me ranting and raving all the time and being so emotional. So that's why I feel so alone.

    Neil - I really wish I could meet Mares, it would be amazing and yes we probably would have our meal sitting there cold because of all the chatting, laughing and crying. Gee I wish I could just have one chance of a meet up - that would be so amazing.  But then again even with you guys as well - it would be an interesting catch up.

    WK - I would love to be hugged, to feel the warmth of someone; but it doesn't happen, so I am alone as always. Even though I can't stand my husband being so close and intimate (and it's probably because of the sexual abuse) I still crave for a hug, for someone to just hold me and tell me its okay, I'll be alright. (now I'm crying, sorry)

    Now all i do is walk with Jersey (my kelpie) and she understands me, she cries for me; she jumps for me, she sits by my side.

    OK, I think i better go for my walk with Jersey.

    Thanks again guys, it means a lot to me to have your support

    Jo

     

  17. Jo3
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    24 May 2014 in reply to white knight

    Hi WK

    I met a friend this morning for a coffee which was nice.  I then came home and did some housework and a friend from work phoned me to catch up. I asked my hubby if I could go now and we would go for a walk later with the dog. he said okay.

    I have now come home from second catch up with a friend and he has cracked it big time. My son says to me - oh dad's been waiting for you to go for a coffee - he knew where i was and that i would be having a coffee. 

    it seems that every time i go out for coffee with friends he gets jealous and then cracks it with me and ignores me.

    Why can't i just go out and have a coffee with a friend. why does he treat me like this. he is now ignoring me and giving the silent treatment.

    so then i said to him, do you want to go for a walk now and he says no not now. I said to him well later might rain and i walked off.  he has now just ignored me and has taken the car keys to go and wash the car.  so there goes the walk.

    there goes everything - every time i go out for a coffee he gets so annoyed and then he says oh you've been out twice for coffee and i haven't,  it's like he counts how many times i go out.

    i think disappearing is the way to go, just somewhere where i can be on my own.

    i have a headache and am lost, lonely, upset and i don't know

    jo

  18. white knight
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    24 May 2014 in reply to Jo3

    Dear Jo,   

    this is a tough one because I dont want to be seen to take sides. It is a domestic situation.  Only adding to your mentally brittle state.

    I had silence given to me as a weapon for the 11 years my first marriage lasted.  Two adults should be able to sit down and talk. My now 2nd wife and I dont argue much but when we do we have a few basic rules.  Time out at least 20 minutes but no longer than 2 hours. An approach by one of us- either one to invite the other for a coffee/drink to the courtyard. When we sit down we hold each others hand and tell each other  "I love you". Often we tell each other "I'm sorry I upset you" or similar words. This is not an apology, its to say what it means. We always come to an agreement and the care remains.

    And that weighing scale business.  My family used to do this.  "I did that for you so I expect you to do this for me".  It's something you might want to chat about to your husband soon. It isnt healthy really.  In all relationships one will always out weigh the other with tasks and counting them isnt the way to go IMO.

    Then again, was it possible for you to ring hubby and let him know you were delayed?  He had an appointment with you Jo and that was broken. Could you suggest to him if he would like to join you and your friend at the cafe? It sounds like one or both of you dont own a mobile phone.??

    But above all, as partners we have to extend our faith and understanding to the other.  For a partner to be impatient for the other to return home so they can spend time with you is a plus.  Sometimes we do things unaware of any consequences. Him wanting to go out with you for coffee doesnt equate automatically to him being jealous. They are often two different things.

    My personal view is, if I were you, I'd ask your hubby to have a chat. I'd apologise for making him wait and that you were unaware that he was waiting, that you have been very down for a long time now and you took the opportunity to spend time with a couple of friends that would help you lift your mood. And that its very sweet of him to want to go out for coffee. 

    Tact, reaching out and a plan, can repair a lot.  Nothing compares with effective communication.  Hope this helps

  19. Jo3
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    24 May 2014 in reply to white knight

    Hi WK

    Thanks for your honest opinion and advice. 

    This is a huge problem - we don't communicate when it comes to arguments, disagreements or fights (not that we fight a lot anyway). But he won't bring anything up with me and vice versa. This is my problem, I know this because my pysch has pointed it out many times.

    When I have tried before to bring something up he gets defensive straight away and says - "oh well then i won't say anything anymore" and then he cracks it. Then my BPD traits come into effect and I feel terrible blaming myself.  I guess I am scared of confrontation, arguing and then fighting and not talking. And I think this may stem back to when I was little and my parents would argue to the point of not talking to each other for a few days and using us kids to talk to each other. And as a child I remember being so frightened about my parents fighting and leaving us - being abandoned.

     

    We go out for coffee every weekend if not once sometimes twice. So to miss one coffee won't

    hurt him.

     

     He knew this morning where I was and for how long I was away for. It's just him, he just gets jealous.

    I know i need to work on this communicating thing and so does he - might have to bring this up with my psych and work out a plan of action on what and how to achieve better communication.

    He doesn't know exactly how I feel; he doesn't know that

    i have self harmed before and have had horrible thoughts about life. I just can't tell him. The only people that know are my pysch, my GP and I guess all you guys on here, and do you know why you guys - because you all understand, you've been there with whatever mental illness you all have; you understand the pain and some of us understand the childhood sexual abuse and how much pain its caused us - all this is too hard for my husband to understand.

     

    I'm sorry WK, I am digressing a bit now; I wish I could just go away. Wish Mares was close by - I would love to be there with her now. She has so much strength to say to her husband that she needs time away and off she went - wish I could do that.

    Jo

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  20. white knight
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    24 May 2014 in reply to Jo3

    Dear Jo,

    Yes and action plan with your psych or GP or a counsellor is the way forward.  My guess is, due tot he lack of communication, a lot of issues stem from this inground problem. 

    It would be untoward to say anymore about that.  But one way or another to focus on improving your marriage so you can at least communicate would be a big step.

    Hnag in there Jo.  All will be fine. Baby steps.

    hug

  21. Jo3
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    25 May 2014 in reply to white knight

    Hi WK

    Thanks again for your always positive comments. 

    Right now that's what i am doing - hanging in there, with small steps.

    I am in pain this morning - I have hurt my back again (twice now in one week). For no reason my back has had spasms and I can't turn properly. 

     

    Damn, this is so frustrating because I want to do things around the house but can't.

    Oh well, small steps.

    Hope you're okay WK, how is your weekend going so far?

    Jo

  22. white knight
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    25 May 2014 in reply to Jo3

    Dear Jo,

    Glad you are doing the baby steps.  Buggar the housework. Hubby can push a vacuum. let your back heal. Back injuries are odd in that they swell up just like other injuries and the effect is soreness when moving it. it needs anti inflammatories to get the swelling down before movement will return without pain.

    My mobile woke us up this morning, my cousin (like brothers) from Tassy was driving a semi trailer along the Hume Hwy and as he does on occasions invited my wife and I for brekky at the nearby roadhouse. So that was great.

    Then we waved him goodbye and my wife wanted to walk our little fox terrier around the local park. As I have had leg troubles I was to meet her on the other side of the park.  I got out of the car and strolled along under the deciduous trees. The colours were amazing. My wife and I got married in this particular park 3 years ago and the red autumn leaves were staggering backdrops. I took some deep breaths and felt so good. Ducks in the water, people walking their dogs. Got back in the car and on went the radio....favourite song on there- I'll remember you...by Elvis Presley.  My late brother was an Elvis fan. He passed away in 1979 at 27, sadly taking his own life. I hated Elvis until he died, then realised why he loved his music. Same as my dad in that I swapped AFL teams from Essendon to the Bulldogs, my dads team after he died.  I laugh at this now.

    Even now as positive as I am and appear to be I have to self program my mind, actively insert positive thoughts into my thinking like filling my belly up with vegies my mind needs to regularly be "fed" positive, nice things to keep it above the line.  For me this is however automatic with me. It's a good place to aim for with anyone on here that is in a depressed state and that is a high percentage.

    So we returned home, did a few chores (cut our dogs toe nails, fill up the firewood box) and settled down for a cool day indoors.

    I must mention, its only been a short time since I've been well enough to enter a forum such as this one. I often talk about balance in regards to doing too many tasks. For me, it was running a small business and the balance was way out. Last September I retired and it took 6 months for me to adjust to this new relaxed lifestyle.  If I wasnt remindful of my condition and took on too many hobbies for example or volunteered to help maintain the local golf course etc I'd soon be back to being overloaded.  So prevention is better than cure.

    Furthermore 6 years ago I separated from my then defacto wife. My plan was simple. Have a cabin built in a hamlet away from any large town with lots of people. Slowly become a recluse.  Then I dated my best friend. She had separated from her husband of 20 years (I was best man and matchmade them lol). She was also my childrens favourite auntie. So it worked. My wife is perfect. Supportive, hard worker around the home, good communication and understanding. As I am with her.  She has depression but hers is the sleeping type unlike mine. She is making a quilt for a friend as we speak. She and I recognised early on in our relationship our need to remain busy with enjoyable interests. I like cooking, my motorcycle, tinkering. She has her hobbies.

    Having the right partner is 80% of your life sorted.  The rest is fine tuning.

  23. Jo3
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    25 May 2014 in reply to Jo3

    You know what WK??

    I don't know if I can hang on anymore.  This weekend I have been feeling so up and down, more down than up. One minute I am okay and the next I am a complete emotional, erratic, destructive person which is not normally me. I am not normally like this, I am a softly spoken, caring person who genuinely tries to help others. So why this destructive thinking process.

    I think I need to go to bed and sleep it off, I need to start thinking positive, start changing - but how, how on earth do i start improving, i thought i was improving slowly but at times I get so confused and uncertain of my changes.

    Jo

  24. Mares73
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Mares73 avatar
    748 posts
    26 May 2014 in reply to Jo3
    Dearest Jo I wish so much I could hug and hold you & look after you. You have had such a tough painful time since basically the start of the year. I know your deeply hurting & I wish I could help take that pain away. You've also had a really rough time with pyschs. Jo I know you don't believe this but you are so very strong, you never give up even when your hurting so deep, your always a beautiful loving friend & I believe in you so so much. You have courage, strength & a beautiful spirit. I think of You every day & wonder how you are. Life seems so unfair -you deserve so much Jo-your a truly special beautiful person and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. I'm always with you in spirit. All my love, Mares xxx
  25. Jo3
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Jo3 avatar
    2269 posts
    26 May 2014 in reply to Mares73

    Dear Mares my dear friend

    How I miss chatting with you on here.  I am thinking of you and hoping you are okay.  I know you are going through a very tough time at the moment/. I just wish I was away with you, to walk with you through your journey.

    Mares, I feel so weak at the moment,i am hurting so so much and don't know what else to do, life is so unfair at times.

    Thank you so much for your kind beautiful words about me - even though I don't feel like that at all. But I thank you because you have taken the time to say this to me and it means a lot to me.

    I have made so many friends on here and you will be a friend of mine forever. I hope the pain eases off a bit for you Mares,

    Pls take care, thinking of you and sending you a big warm hug

    Chat again soon

     your true friend

    Jo xxx

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