your situation feels very similar to mine, but mine only started recently. i constantly feel drained, and I can barely make it to the last period of the day before breaking down. me smiling is about all I can do, and people around me have been noticing I've been acting weird recently. but it's just me not having any more energy, so my smile seems really fake and my comments sarcastic. i got a detention yesterday for leaving one early because apparently I wasn't suppose to go, even though half the other people had already left. i constantly feel high strung and focused, but then go into a autopilot-like mode where I just do things automatically, my eyes get a bit blurry and my head feel like it's in the clouds and I feel like a puppet. i cry over the tiniest things, eve if my friend and I are just joking around about something. like today, I was talking about how the detention thing was annoying me, and my friends were like:
"what's she talking about"
"I dunno, just nod along"
"THATS SO INTERESTING"
of course, they were only kidding, and I do this sometimes too, but it just really upset me and I really felt like crying. but I just kinda rolled my eyes and smiled, but I really wanted to cry.
i just got over a long time crush, 2 years, we're really close friends. although I'm not sure I'm completely over him, I guess I'm kinda in the healing process. it might have been the reason I've been worse lately, but I really don't know what caused me to become like this. i really want to be social, and whenever I get a chance, I do. but its getting harder and harder to do the same tasks I've been doing for the last few years.
even simple things like going downstairs to practice the piano is enough to cause me to break down and have an intense headache. teacher told me off? no problem, let me just excuse myself for a second and go cry in the last stall of the bathroom and hope no one hears me break down.
i really want time to just stop so can sleep well for a night and not get interrupted by everyone. every night, I dream, sometimes I remember then, sometimes I don't, but usually, I would dream. and most of the time, its either really scary or really numbing, like sadness, but more numb than sad.
i constantly look for things to distract myself from doing anything dumb or selfish, but i just cant find any.
I'm really scared for myself, cus i fell like I'm falling down a rabbit hole, but therapists scare me and i don't want to go.