There's a lot that's always on my mind: feeling like I'm not good enough to be loved; feeling like no one cares about me; feelings of loneliness when I'm on my own and stress from work.
My negative self-worth stems from my Mum's mistreatment of me after her and Dad's divorce when I was 9. Long story short, I felt neglected, unsafe and hated. Eventually, what followed that is thinking that everyone hated me. I became depressed at a young age. I had a new school, a new living situation and both my parents found themselves in new relationships. It was too much for me. I felt so lost, I didn't want to be alive anymore.
While my situation gradually became easier, the negative self-worth remains to this day. It's ruined some of my closest friendships. I've learnt to keep the hatred of myself on the inside and not express it out loud to ensure I don't scare anyone off. Unfortunately, with everything building up inside, it sometimes gets to a point where everything is released and I don't want that happening because it affects the people around me.
I work full-time in the hospitality industry as a manager so I carry everything on my shoulders which is sometimes extremely overwhelming. On our busy days the smallest things can make me snap and I don't like the way I treat people. I try to remind myself to reign it in and to control my emotions, but in the heat of the moment I forget to. Multiple times I've just had a complete breakdown at work when everything becomes too much.
Of course I do have good days and I believe that I'm perfectly fine and don't need help - but deep down I know that isn't true. I know millions of people around the world would definitely feel the same way as I do, which I guess is sort of comforting. I have many people in my life I know I can go to for help. But sometimes, I feel like it would be wrong to bother them, or that they don't care about me so I don't reach out. That's when the loneliness comes back.
My girlfriend is right now my biggest supporter, not only do I want to get better for myself, but also for her too. I see how happy she is when she knows I'm happy. I love her and despite everything I've said above, I do believe I'm the happiest I have ever been and a lot of that is down to my relationship with her. I want to get married and have kids with her one day. So all of that is definitely a source of motivation to get help.
Thank you for listening. Even the smallest piece of advice would be really appreciated!