I have been getting told by my close friends that I need to begin some sort of counseling and support since the tragedy i experienced in October. My mother had cancer (originally vulva cancer), which was successfully removed with minor difficulties. Things were on the mend for about 16 months until last October when I received the dreaded phone call from my brother who was under the impression that it was serious but not dire, when he told me that I need to make arrangements and travel interstate to say goodbye to our mum.
The cancer had resurfaced in her pancreas and in under 20 days it spread to her liver and dispersed into her blood stream. By the time i arrived at her side she had under two hours left of her life. I was immediately spoken to regarding the prospect of euthanasia (which i understood was illegal )? However when my personal analysis of the entire situation was complete i could see why that horrible topic was brought up?
I don't know what part exactly has disturbed me the most? The confrontation of crying relatives and sad combined energy, the state of her ? or the shock of seeing my mum try to communicate with me in short 10 second intervals before the medication took over her cognitive functionality, she looked like a hippie (I'll never forget her eyes)! I would not wish it upon anyone.
That night after she died i sat with my siblings while they engaged in the "blame game" fuled by unresolved conflict and alcohol and that numbing benediction of unnecessary drama never gets any less tedious. I sat there in shock, complete disbelief, that visceral raw emotional pain that I refuse to expel in front of most people.
Being the first born in my family i felt it was paramount that I allow everyone else to break down around me while I jumped into a more caretaker type role. Subconscious denial can be a powerful coping mechanism i guess? I felt every burning emotional sub set listed in fact i even felt others that are a little too dark for any list of symptoms associated with death.
almost two months on and i am unsure what stage I'm in now? I'm not eating, sleeping nor taking appropriate steps for recovery. In a way it's like i chose euthanasia for myself? Secret permission to leave this nightmare. In silence with my demons.