Some well wishers and genuine supporters have said in several different ways (and it is a common saying when a death happens I guess)....goes like...."Hang onto the precious memories" "Just focus on the lovely times you shared"..." when things get too much for you, hold onto the fact that he loved you"......and I know they mean well, but I found focussing on the beautiful memories and things sort of makes me feel worse...if you get my drift? It was lovely, now it's gone..
Yes, someone loved me...now the only one who did (in that sense)....is dead. The ultimate abandonment.
He has not broken up with me, but has still ended the relationship. I can't see him any more. I can't talk to him any more, or have him hold me. No one holds me at all. Touch is ultra important to me (maybe it stems back to childhood I dunno)....but I know its importance.
(if you'll permit me to divert slightly here..sorry) Months of Corona fear does not even PERMIT anyone to touch me! Little babies can die without human touch. Elderly patients in nursing homes and hospitals suffer from a medically known term "skin hunger". We've heard none of the fall-out of skin hunger during the Corona restrictions. Perhaps the talking heads on TV have never heard of it.
One of the things resulting from my loss seems to be great confusion. As if I had a blow to the head or something...not thinking as clearly as I used to. Crashing my car a couple of weeks afterwards has left me broken and rudderless. The TV is full of anger, shouting, violence, criticism of each other, debates, questions with no answers, a fight between the powerful and the powerless.........not a nice world after all as it turns out.
We are not a nice species, we humans.