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Forums / Grief and loss / Never done this before

Topic: Never done this before

  1. Moonstruck
    Moonstruck avatar
    3284 posts
    26 May 2020

    Good morning all,

    My loving partner died 3 weeks ago and I've been different each day....managing to do all the essentials but at times in a confused "lost" sort of way that I hide well. I conduct conversations with others, some who know, some who don't very easily...chatting and laughing and carrying out the essentials of daily life, paying bills, making appointments, car services, new appliances etc....as if nothing had happened.

    Most mornings though I want to lie in bed for the whole day,never seeing or speaking to anyone. Driving in the car when a piece of music plays that reminds me of "us" the tears come. I attended a small group meeting of member of a club I belong to (of course it's all been shut down and in limbo since Corona, so nothing happened to distract me from the loss)....just needed to see familiar faces. Strangely enough conversation seemed to shut down and become a bit stilted when I arrived..no one mentioned my loss at all. I was longing for a hug, so I could give way to my pent up emotions, but there were none.

    No touch,no comfort offered....nothing! Why was this? These are great people and I know they care and like me..........but they didn't offer any words of comfort. Perhaps I was wrong about them being my friends, perhaps they couldn't give a stuff about me after all...what an idiot I am!

    The loss is not just"him"...a person. It's the other things that have also gone. No one knows me, "gets"me, or thinks I am as beautiful as he did. No one will tell me how lovely I look (even when I don't ) any more. No one calls me "darling". No one has my crazy at times black, sense of humour. I don't know anyone else who laughs at the same things we did. It's all those things that have gone too. No one comes in the door and immediately enfolds me in a hug.

    Why didn't my friends comfort me?

    3 people found this helpful
  2. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6148 posts
    26 May 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Dear Moon

    I am so sorry for your loss. You must feel devastated. Grief is hard to manage and so often others do not know what to say. They are afraid of upsetting you or saying the wrong thing. Please accept they care about you but don't know how to show it. We are not supposed to hug atm due to corona which may also have a bearing on the matter. When you next see them can you talk about your loss a little. Once people see it's OK to talk about someone's loss they get more comfortable.

    Having a crazy sense of humour may be useful at times to help you. Please remember that grief comes and goes in waves often when we least expect it. A friend of mine lost her brother, her last relative, and I was amazed at how well she coped. Well that was only until after the funeral and settling the estate etc. Six months later she fell apart big time. There was nothing for her to do to take her mind off her loss.

    Keeping yourself busy is good to some extent. Make sure you leave time to grieve. Not something you want to do I expect because it's so painful. Let the tears come, sit down and let the emotion wash over you. Painful yes, but the best way to heal. My mom died 20 years ago and I still miss her. Not with the gut wrenching pain I had when she passed away but still someone to mourn.

    You know you can post here at any time about anything.

    Mary

    3 people found this helpful
  3. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
    3468 posts
    26 May 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hi Moon,

    How I wish it was possible to hug you through the screen and offer you comfort.

    I started to cry reading your words and the description of what you miss so badly. Saying I'm sorry for the loss of your partner doesn't feel nearly personal enough.

    It must have been painful to write but I'm also thankful you feel safe enough to write to us here.

    The reaction from your friends puzzles me too. I don't know why they didn't try comfort you somehow. Perhaps the constant reminders of social distancing made them feel unable to reach out. Our friend passed away not long ago and there was no funeral or contact so we didn't know how to help his partner. It's not surprising you feel so disappointed and hurt though. Do you think it would help if you mentioned to your friends what sorts of things are helping you cope?

    If it helps you to write please post. I'm not online as much as I'd like but I'll check in when I can. I know sometimes it can feel like a post gets lost in a sea of others but there are many people here who care for you and want to listen.

    I like to talk about the people I miss even though it hurts simply to remember what I loved so much about them. Grief is different for everyone I guess. Do you want to talk about your partner?

    I care very much Moon and offer whatever comfort I can.

    Love Nat

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Tangney
    Tangney avatar
    60 posts
    26 May 2020
    Hi Moonstruck. I'm glad I found you here. I really feel for you. You are going through something that would be really awful at any time, but especially in this crazy covid era, with only 10 allowed at a funeral and not being able to go to your club as usual. I can imagine how let down you felt when you finally went to your club and saw friends only to find them aloof and what seems to be pretty insensitive. Who knows what goes through people's minds? Maybe they just didn't know what to say, especially when so many are focused on social distancing etc. Maybe they didn't think you were coming. I read some of the posts between you and Croix earlier. You seem to have a really good rapport with Croix. I hope you're ok and that you keep posting. Take care. I am thinking of you.
    2 people found this helpful
  5. Moonstruck
    Moonstruck avatar
    3284 posts
    27 May 2020 in reply to Tangney
    Hello Tangney.....I'm glad we are still allowed to "meet" here as it's clear it's the only place we can support each other. thank you for getting in touch.....Moon s x
    2 people found this helpful
  6. Moonstruck
    Moonstruck avatar
    3284 posts
    27 May 2020 in reply to Quercus

    Thank you Quercus, White Rose.....yes Quercus I want to talk about him but when I begin I start to cry....so I don't. One of the reasons I went to my social group was a hope that I could have the chance to let out my emotions among people I felt safe with, in an environment that felt like "home" and give me some physical, at least, relief at getting some of it"out" but there was no opening there.......they chatted to me about the weather, CoVid annoyances.....in fact didn't chat much at all to me....as I said, things seemed to go quiet.

    I had cried in the car on the way there, and I cried in the car on the way home...but I had no chance to while there among friends....I sensed it would have made them extremely uncomfortable...in fact my mere presence seemed to cast a gloomy feel over their conversations and chatter...may as well just stay home in my room and grieve alone.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
    3468 posts
    28 May 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hi Moon,

    I'm sorry you felt so uncomfortable with your friends. It all sounds very hurtful even if they didn't intend to be.

    Would it help to write about him here perhaps? Or maybe Croix's happy memories thread. I remember you saying you had trouble finding happy memories but it sounds as though you had many with your partner.

    I feel you about crying. At work this morning I just started randomly crying while vaccuming. Thank goodness I was alone. But that's part of grief I think. Sometimes it just hits you for no reason you can see. I figure at least I'm also remembering the good along with missing them.

    You're not alone today. Even if it isn't the same over the internet we do care.

    ❤Nat

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Tangney
    Tangney avatar
    60 posts
    29 May 2020 in reply to Moonstruck
    Yes, I know what you mean. It's nice to be able to express oneself somewhere. I hope you're ok today. Take care.
  9. Moonstruck
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    3284 posts
    1 June 2020 in reply to Tangney

    a lot has happened in just a few days. I crashed part of my car to pieces. Thank God no person or other car involved..just me. Have to wait now until smash repair man can fit me in to fix up. Damage is severe but all external.

    Scared to drive it as looks so terrible and I keep seeing the event and the terrifying sensation of not being in control of the car.

    Can't help wondering if somehow connected to my recent loss and my grief. I never lose control of my car. Feeling really low and confused.

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
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    4 June 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Far out. I wish I'd seen your post before now. Lucky you weren't hurt physically. I hope repair or replacement won't be too financially stressful either.

    It doesn't surprise me unfortunately. When we're hurting it is easy to just get lost in thought.

    It's been a few days since you posted Moon, how are you coping?

  11. ecomama
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    4 June 2020 in reply to Quercus

    Dear Moonstruck

    I'm very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you lost your best friend who meant more than even that. The empty hole left is so sad. I'm so sorry. Big hugs.

    I'm also sorry that your friends didn't respond to your partners passing. I can't explain that at all.

    Can you call any of them and have a 1:1 conversation with them?

    The grief you're experiencing does need an outlet. It can't change the events but it may begin to give you some peace and healing.

    I saw on another thread that you were seeking a Grief Counsellor, have you been able to find one yet?

    Whether you can or you can't, I hope you can continue posting here for support. I'm glad you could reach out here. This is a very difficult time and you need support.

    Love EM

  12. Moonstruck
    Moonstruck avatar
    3284 posts
    4 June 2020 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus....I'm making a list in my head of nice things just for ME when I get my car back to what it used to be. Should be done next week. I feel like spoiling myself. Never done that before.

    It's strange how people are, including the bereaved one when there's a death. I hear myself sounding quite business-like and cheerful on the phone, smiling and chatting to neighbours etc as if nothing unusual had happened.

    They don't mention him so I don't either. What is there to say anyway? Are they taking their cues from me or perhaps this is normal...how would I know?

    I am not my usual self though..not by a long way..but no-one knows that..only me.

    I am not nearly as organised as I used to be..get muddled about what I'm doing. Could easily lie on my bed for hours just resting..something I could never do. Each day I am a different person and mood. Do you think I have gone really crazy or mad?

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Moonstruck
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    3284 posts
    5 June 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Thanks ecomama...just clearing something up..when it appeared in paper and I put photos and brief words on Facebook to let people know..I had many responses, very loving, everyone said beautiful things...you see I feel fine today..no need ring a friend.

    As I said perhaps I am coming across as my old self...so they respond to the old me...I dunno. It hits me emotionally in the car so perhaps that's why I crashed?

    2 people found this helpful
  14. quirkywords
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    5 June 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Moon

    I have only just seen your thread here. I am sorry about crashing your car.

    Maybe people just assume things about what you want and treat your accordingly,

    I appreciate your honesty and your openness. I am sure it helps all those people reading but not posting.

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  15. ecomama
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    5 June 2020 in reply to Moonstruck
    Moonstruck said:

    Thanks ecomama...just clearing something up..when it appeared in paper and I put photos and brief words on Facebook to let people know..I had many responses, very loving, everyone said beautiful things...you see I feel fine today..no need ring a friend.

    As I said perhaps I am coming across as my old self...so they respond to the old me...I dunno. It hits me emotionally in the car so perhaps that's why I crashed?

    Dear Moon

    I'm glad your FB friends responded compassionately, that must've been comforting.

    But you felt strange about the way your other friends responded in person. We do need human contact. FB only reaches so far.

    I do think you may have crashed because you were feeling emotional, it's very possible. If being in the car means you're feeling things more deeply than other times, then you are cuing in on things for you.

    You're not crazy, you're grieving.

    You're doing the right thing by planning a self - care thing. What a beautiful response during a difficult time.

    Much love EM

  16. Quercus
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    3468 posts
    6 June 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hi Moon,

    It's good to hear you're planning to spoil yourself. Everyone seems to say we should be kinder to ourselves but it's not always easy to do.

    I don't think you're mad or crazy at all. When I read what you write it sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I suspect I would react very similarly in your shoes. Not sure there is a right or wrong response to grief really.

    I thought about how you mentioned friends possibly responding to your cues. It does make sense. When I was unsure what to say or do in a situation I used to look at how other people responded/acted. Now I just try speak my mind instead. Maybe your friends aren't sure how to just say to you "I have no idea how to support you or what you need".

    Perhaps you could ask a friend you trust if they think others might be uncomfortable with you because they don't know what to say right now? It might be a way to start a conversation about what you DO need and are missing. Do you think that might help?

    ❤ Nat

    2 people found this helpful
  17. monsie
    monsie avatar
    3 posts
    7 June 2020 in reply to Moonstruck
    I do not know... why people disappear. When my husband went to hospital and is still there, with the ventilator, screens, tubes.... many people responded to my calls and were very kind. Now, after 2 weeks, nobody rings. I am housebound. I asked a friend for some groceries on Friday morning, and she told me at night she had not been able to buy some food for me. . . I honestly thing that people have their lives, very complicated as well as mine... and above all people do not understand or can get involved in something that makes them suffer. Because people are suffering a lot these days with the Corona, lack of jobs, etc etc. I know how you feel and from the bottom of my heart I am sending you a big hug. It is a bad time to lose a husband/partner. I wish I could be of more help, in a few days is my husband goes, I'll have to deal with his loss myself and I do not know who to turn to myself.
    1 person found this helpful
  18. Moonstruck
    Moonstruck avatar
    3284 posts
    8 June 2020 in reply to monsie

    Thank you for your words. I am okay actually..I don't seem to be as distraught others seem to get when their partner dies..the only person who loved me..if you understand what I mean.

    My car crash has dominated my mind and repairs begin tomorrow. It will be such a relief to have it back. The world as it is now is just insane...perhaps it has turned me insane too. Why aren't I weeping and wailing about losing the one who loved me so much.

    He would never have left the relationship. I made him so happy. He did much more than just leave...he died. It still doesn't seem real.

    1 person found this helpful
  19. blondguy
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    8 June 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hello Moon

    I didnt know about your crash until I noticed you in the Croix Cafe a few days ago mentioning that you have started a new thread topic..I posted my sincere condolences on your main thread for the loss of your close friend...You have been through so much Moon

    Losing our car is no different to losing our independence...not a nice place to be in :-(

    Huge hugs for you Moon

    Paul

    3 people found this helpful
  20. Shelll
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    6011 posts
    9 June 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    So sorry for your loss moon. I have no other words other then that.

    Gentle hug

    Shelley

    2 people found this helpful
  21. Moonstruck
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    3284 posts
    11 June 2020 in reply to blondguy

    Dear BlondGuy

    I thought I was doing quite well. Not sobbing all over the place or staring at his photo or anything....coping with crashing my car (at last repairs have begun) so am more in "isolation" than I was during the Corona hysteria!! I seem to keep it all contained until night...when it's dark, I feel no one can reach me, email me, ring me, I stay up as late as I possibly can so make the most of this "being left alone-ness"......I guess because there are no distractions, my thoughts get a bit jumbled, even verging on the paranoid.....

    I concentrate more on family members' problems, my grandkids coping with school stuff, my sons' relationships, how to help them, fix them all.....I feel like ringing everyone up and screaming at them to live every moment, hold your special people close, "you never know it may be the last time you see them"......I can't bear couples arguing, suffering problems in their relationships. I want to scream at them "it doesn't matter. these little faults of theirs mean nothing, nothing!! They could be dead next morning, next hour, tonight!!

    For God's sake people, love each other!!! Paul, you've probably gathered I am not as good as I thought...I hope Croix is reading this!

    2 people found this helpful
  22. ecomama
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    11 June 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Dear Moon

    You're clearly grieving in your own way, it's fine! You're fine.

    You seem to have found the "quiet time" late at night when you can be alone with your thoughts. Grief can make you feel like you're going crazy and you DO want to scream at the world! Appreciate what you have NOW... but we can't put an old head on young shoulders, not saying you're old but we learn these lessons and dearly want our loved ones to know them too.

    Maybe it's just this you can share with your family? IE what you've learnt through your grief.

    I'm sure you knew it already but the loss of your dear partner has turned the volume up on this wisdom and sometimes we DO need to share these things with those around us that we love. This could be an 'opener' for you being able to share your grief in whatever pattern it takes.

    Be kind to yourself right now. I hope your car comes back like brand new and you can feel comforted by people around you. We care. You're awesome.

    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Herbie H
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    11 June 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hi Moon,

    So sorry to hear about your loss. It is a difficult enough time without the isolation of Corona thrown in.

    Perhaps your friends just didn't know how to handle the situation. I have heard and experienced when people suffer a loss they feel a little like outcasts, but in reality it's been that their friends almost feel guilty for still having a partner and don't want to add to your grief. There may be some who see you differently, but I hope that you find more of those friends will just don't know what to say and how to react to you at this time.

    I guess as the old saying goes, "those who matter don't mind, those who mind don't matter" You're allowed to grieve and feel upset, you've suffered a loss of someone close to you. In time I hope you will find it easier to redefine your life and make it all about you.

    All the best.

    2 people found this helpful
  24. golden82
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    43 posts
    13 June 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hi Moon,

    Browsing through the forums and found this of yours...Just wanted to reach out to you and as with others on here to send you condolences and wishes that you find strength to continue to be the strong and amazing person you are. Best wishes :)

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Moonstruck
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    3284 posts
    14 June 2020 in reply to golden82

    Some well wishers and genuine supporters have said in several different ways (and it is a common saying when a death happens I guess)....goes like...."Hang onto the precious memories" "Just focus on the lovely times you shared"..." when things get too much for you, hold onto the fact that he loved you"......and I know they mean well, but I found focussing on the beautiful memories and things sort of makes me feel worse...if you get my drift? It was lovely, now it's gone..

    Yes, someone loved me...now the only one who did (in that sense)....is dead. The ultimate abandonment.

    He has not broken up with me, but has still ended the relationship. I can't see him any more. I can't talk to him any more, or have him hold me. No one holds me at all. Touch is ultra important to me (maybe it stems back to childhood I dunno)....but I know its importance.

    (if you'll permit me to divert slightly here..sorry) Months of Corona fear does not even PERMIT anyone to touch me! Little babies can die without human touch. Elderly patients in nursing homes and hospitals suffer from a medically known term "skin hunger". We've heard none of the fall-out of skin hunger during the Corona restrictions. Perhaps the talking heads on TV have never heard of it.

    One of the things resulting from my loss seems to be great confusion. As if I had a blow to the head or something...not thinking as clearly as I used to. Crashing my car a couple of weeks afterwards has left me broken and rudderless. The TV is full of anger, shouting, violence, criticism of each other, debates, questions with no answers, a fight between the powerful and the powerless.........not a nice world after all as it turns out.

    We are not a nice species, we humans.

    2 people found this helpful
  26. ecomama
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    14 June 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Dear Moon

    I can hear your frustration and anger, it's perfectly justifiable. Your experience is shared with millions of others, we hear you.

    AND you're grieving.

    No one know the right thing to say when a person has lost a loved one through death and we do have 'cultural' sayings at this time. I think that anyone who says anything to you about this are trying to extend some compassion. But it feels like a full stop also. Many are trying to make us feel better but end up not.

    Our ancient wisdom and connection has been lost for the most part.

    I really value another person holding presence with me when I'm grieving. Just being with me. Not judging. Not telling me how to be or feel or think or resolve my grief for me.

    Simply being. Simply letting me be.
    Together.

    We are holding presence with you Moon. Holding you close.

    Love EM

    2 people found this helpful
  27. Moonstruck
    Moonstruck avatar
    3284 posts
    16 June 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Thank you ecomama for understanding. I had a terrible nightmare last night...and woke feeling so terribly "out of control" that was the theme of the dream...couldn't have any say in what was happening...loss of control...helpless....it has remained all morning (nearly midday now).

    Being still without my car is making me much much worse. There is a support group waiting for me to list my interest in joining and meeting the co ordinator ...I told her I would come in as soon as I had my car...the small group will probably be filled by the time I can get there and register.

    A family member has a milestone birthday coming up and what she really needs and would love (only one left) is on the other side of town......my brain is too confused to read bus timetables, where to change, can I walk the distance required between stops, can I afford a cab between places etc? I stay home here with my anxiety getting worse and worse and the nightmares are starting as I have nothing and no one to distract me or get involved in.

    even getting food involves a long walk then bus home to the nearest stop....My GP will refer me to Grief Counsellor appointments but I can't figure out how to get into her surgery...she wants to see me, not just a phone appointment. I have no way of getting into see her in person without my car. I was doing OK managing the grief until my mobility was taken away and the longer I am without it, the more scared I am becoming of driving anywhere...what if I lose control again? I can't do this much longer.

  28. blondguy
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    16 June 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hey Moon

    You are exactly the same person who I met when I joined the forums....a person that is strong...caring and is also as fragile as myself, members or any Champions on these mental health forums when it comes to the roller coaster ride of life....It can effect all of us....especially with Covid-19

    I would be super isolated without my car Moon....I hear you loud and clear there!

    Still here during the Covid-19 period and yes I am sure Croix is reading too!

    BearHugs

    Paul

    2 people found this helpful
  29. Moonstruck
    Moonstruck avatar
    3284 posts
    17 June 2020 in reply to blondguy

    Dear Paul....you see how confusing this grief process is? e.g. this morning I feel totally different to yesterday. I didn't have any nightmares you see. The night before, perhaps all my despair, stress, compounded by the Covid hysteria of recent months (and our border still isn't open and my loved ones can't be with me) all came down on top of me...perhaps if it did during the day I would collapse under the weight...I don't know...dreams are powerful and usually signify something happening in our own brains that is too much to bear while awake.

    I managed to have a shower, wash my hair....getting ready for a walk to the supermarket....and get the bus back so I don't have to carry heavy groceries. My car is my passport back to normal activities where I can at least"pretend"my world is carrying on the same.....but today is totally different from yesterday. This is what throws me...I don't know what to expect from myself. I used to be able to rely on myself...now I am too unpredictable....thank you for caring.....

  30. quirkywords
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    17 June 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Moon

    think you have described how many experience grief. One day you don't feel you cant do much and you have nightmares then the next day yo manage daily tasks. Now you wonder what the next day will be like. I think it is our minds trying to make sense of things.

    remember when a person seems someone on a good day they say oh they are coping well but if they see them on a bad day the will say they are not coping. The thing is it is just two parts of the same person.

    think you can still rely on yourself just some days it may take longer or may have to wait till the next day.

    You through your posts have described a very honest approach to grieving.Quirky

    1 person found this helpful

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