No way are you pathetic, no way are you weak minded. And then as for those horrific things your husband used to say, well, I’d like you to write them on a piece of paper, take ‘em out to your back yard and either bury them forever, or burn them. NEVER to be thought of again.
That is not who you are.
I do hope that you’re on your way to see your sons at the moment … or one of them, I’m not quite sure. It does sound like you’ve got quite a drive in front of you. I can only imagine how your heart would be racing with this, but please please, when you get there, do try to take a step back and see your son(s) for how they are.
I have absolutely no idea, but I’m assuming that they have families of their own, they have jobs, they live in a house somewhere and they have developed into the kind of person you would have hoped they were going to turn into. Where am I going with this? They wouldn’t have got to where they are now WITHOUT YOU. Read that any number of times you like, but you were their Mum, and you were the one who was, I would think, largely responsible for all their assistance with growing up, learning right from wrong. With how your husband was, I would assume he’d have had very little positive interaction with them.
So please, know that the babies, the children, the teenagers, the young adults and now men, you helped along in life, are all because of you. That is HUGE and AMAZING.
Something I’m not sure if I’ve said earlier, and apologies if I have, but after this immediate weekend or however long you’re going to be away, I think it might be a very good idea to get to your GP again, to discuss things and how they’ve been. Just to get a professional view point on things.
But I do hope the outcome from this trip that you’re having will help you, if not in a small way, I do hope you’ll find some inner peace that in fact, you were a great mum and it was just the horrible circumstances that you had no control over, was the reason and the only reason for how things went.
My thoughts are with you.