Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / Long term support over the journey / Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Topic: Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

  1. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9087 posts
    11 September 2017

    Hi I have another thread but unrelated to this.

    37 years ago my husband and young son (2tears old). was living in our car for around 8 months.I was pregnant at the time. My parents disowned me when I eloped with my husband. My husbands parents were strange and we never told them we were living in the car.

    I gave birth to my second son while we were living in the car. My hubby contacted his father and his Godmother who both talked us into putting our baby into foster care for a few months until we got organized, as we couldn't have a baby living in the car. After I got out of hospital my father in law told us to stay with him. Then a woman from child services came to see us and said it best to adopt our baby out.I didn't want to but I had to or we were back in the car living and would loose our baby and possibly our other young son . because father in law said it was the only way we could stay with them.

    My adopted son found me and contacted me on Sunday I was to shocked to answer him back until today.contact has only been through facebook messenger. I told him i will ring him tonight around 8.30pm.

    I have never told my 2 other sons about him. I don't know how to tell them.Will they hate me for doing this as I have hated myself and never forgiven myself over all these years.I have thought about him over the years especially on his birthdays. I am so very scared. Hubby died 4 years ago so I have to do this on my own.

    Hubby and I decided we would never try to find him as we didn't want to upset his life..I am a complete mess as what to do..Please can someone help me.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Guest_128
    Guest_128 avatar
    2143 posts
    11 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Hello, Gg,

    This is a blessing in disguise, your baby wants contact with you!

    I see nothing negative with this at all.

    Sure you may have to talk to your children,family down the track.

    Just embrace it, he wants contact so he deserves it.

    My story Iwas 17 when I had my son(that my parents said not to because they loved me)

    his bio father was married and 38,when my son was old enough I told him the story and said if you ever want/need to meet him that's ok,he just turned 28 the offer still stands.

    Dont be to hard you did the best you could at the time.

    Dory

    1 person found this helpful
  3. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9215 posts
    11 September 2017 in reply to Guest_128

    Hi Ggrand

    I hope you heal and contribute to his healing journey by embracing him totally.

    I wont say anymore. I think its beautiful.

    Go on, ring him.

    Tony WK

    3 people found this helpful
  4. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9087 posts
    11 September 2017 in reply to Guest_128

    I did ring ring him..He is a nice person and I can't stop crying..I never have forgiven myself for adopting him out..

    He is so nice and understood the reason why. I even spoke to his wife and she is so nice as well..

    He told me I have 4 more grandchildren to meet and get to know.

    Tears of sadness, heartache and tears of happiness together.

    He wants to meet up in the near future and get to know each other better

    The hard part now is to tell my other 2 sons that they have a brother I am hoping they won't hate me. One is 41 and the other is 32. It's not going to be easy at all but I know I have to.

    I'm hating myself atm

    1 person found this helpful
  5. MsPurple
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    MsPurple avatar
    1621 posts
    11 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Ggrand.

    I am a daughter of a lovly mother who I love dearly. She showed me nothing but love and support and she gave up so much for me and my brother.

    A few years ago my dad accidentally slipped that my mum had a son before me and my brother (I said how it must have been hard having her first, a son. I meant my brother but dad thought I meant mums first biological child.). I didn't tell her I knew for years. I didn't want to upset my mum. Well last week I told her I was good at keeping secrets. I said I knew one of her secrets and I didn't think she knew I knew. Well she kept guess then she said, was it when I was a teenager. Yes. Was it part of my teenage relationship. Yes. Was it that I had a son. I said yes. She asked me why I didn't tell her I knew. I said "Because I love you and I didn't want to upset you. I knew it would have been hard, but you did what you needed to do". Mum wasn't bought up in the greatest environment. She couldn't keep the child. She made the right decision at the time. She said the only reason why she didn't tell me was she didn't know how I would react. I completely understood. She did it what was best for her and what was best for the child at the time. She knew she couldn't raise a child in her environment. Her dad hid her to his sisters place when she was heavily pregnant so no one would know.

    Now I wasn't hurt by not knowing because I understand she couldn't keep it in her current environment. I think mum just didn't know how to bring it up. I also think she had a lot going on when we were kids (she was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 8). It probably isn't in the forfront of her mind. I think your kids will be more understanding then you may think. I can't guarrentee it but I think they might. You also have been struggling with it as well. It is hard to bring up something that you struggle to deal with yourself.

    I just wanted to tell you that story for a kid who has been through a similar situation as your kids. I was ok with it. I love my mum, she loves me and she did what was best for the kid and herself at the time. She didn't do it to hurt me. I think my mum was glad to get it off her chest. We talked about it a bit more too.

    Hope some of this helps you

    MP

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Quercus
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Quercus avatar
    3544 posts
    12 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Ggrand,

    I don't have any advice to give but wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I don't want to go into why but what you wrote helped me.

    Thank you.

  7. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    12 September 2017

    Hi Karen,

    I was so pleased to read you've contacted your son and even more so for the outcome of it. I'm hearing very strongly that you're upset about this, but I think only good can come out of this now.

    The initial contact has been made and I think the future sounds like it could be very promising ... as your son said, you've got 4 more grandchildren, not only to meet, but to get to know.

    From the other responses that you've received, everyone has suggested that your other two sons will be fine with this. You had your reasons for why things turned out the way they did, and it was purely due to the circumstances at the time.

    I know it will be hard, but try to embrace this new event/opportunity and I really hope that things can kind of change a little bit for you - change for the better, cause I know how tough things have been for you for so long.

    I can also understand the tears ... but tears of joy are a completely different kind of tears.

    Kind regards,

    Neil

  8. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9087 posts
    13 September 2017 in reply to Neil_1

    H

    This is extremely hard to write but I need to.

    Everyone on here says I should be happy and embrace all this that is going on. Why can't I feel that happiness. I feel a great sadness, guilt, embarrassment, shame over all this.

    I should be happy I know but I can't find it, OK maybe embarrassed over my marriage kept me from saying the truth about it at first.

    My husband was a controling manipulating person who didn't think twice about giving me a slap accross the head or a black eye, my 2 sons had a crappy life as well. Christmas was never Christmas at our house the boys where never taken out anywhere for enjoyment but at times had to stay in their bedrooms days on end. If i interfered with hubbies decision pow I copped it. I was a slave to his every wish. I sometimes wished bad on my hubby and it happened. I kept all this hidden from friends. hubby's work mates and friends thought he was a great bloke and never knew what went on at home and how he was.

    I have been kidding myself and everyone else about my marriage being to ashamed to admit the truth I somehow hid it deep inside and i would and still do tell everyone I had a perfect marriage.it was just easier that way.but believe it or not I loved him so much.

    I have since very early childhood been bashed and told what when and how to do things. I don't think I have ever felt happiness in my life at any time. What I have always felt was fear, sadness, being trapped and guilt.

    That's what I'm feeling now..I still feel like I'm trapped as hubby told me never to tell our 2 sons about the adoption. He still has a hold over me.. A long phone call last night with my eldest son made me realize the truth about our lives.

    How can i be happy when my adopted son asks about his biological dad and I have to tell him the truth because if I don't my boys will eventually.

    I know deep in my heart that he was better off growing up away from his biological family where he never had to endure what we did. and would be better off not knowing about how pathetic I was and still am in having any courage at all.

    I really wish so badly that I could dissolve that I never existed never had to endure what my son's and I went through and what we are about to go through.

    I needed to put this right so you can understand how I am feeling atm.

  9. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    13 September 2017
    Hi there Karen,

    I can’t begin to understand how you must be feeling, or how you have felt for so long now. On top of this, for you now to be able to come out and write the truth behind what your marriage was. That must have been awfully difficult for you … but I really do hope, by you doing this, it has maybe even helped, just a tiny bit. Just to put it down in words and not have it hidden anymore. I hope that this has bought a small bit of relief for you?

    On this site, I’ve come across so many instances of lovely people being abused and ill-treated and it always makes me feel so angry with the perpetrator, the one who was the controlling dominant abusive person, who did all these terrible things. And I think it’s because of the person being this way, that the ‘other person’ in the relationship, is just so scared, so frightened to say anything, because they know what will happen if they do.

    You called yourself pathetic and of no courage. You are neither in my eyes. No-one in an abusive relationship should ever call themselves pathetic; the pathetic excuse of a person is the one who is performing the abuse. Outright bullies of the worst kind, but sorry, I won’t go on about him.

    What I want to say is, you were the one being hit, you were the one living in fear and scared – I really can’t emphasis enough that in no way should you be feeling shame about this, nor embarrassment. I simply couldn’t imagine what it would be like to live a life like this and you had to endure it, along with your sons.

    I do firmly believe that if (but hopefully, when) you tell your adopted son, that he’ll feel … well, he’ll feel pretty much the same as me.

    Case in point, if I was the adopted son, and you told me, I would wrap you in the biggest hugs imaginable and be there with you for as long as I could possibly be. I’d want to be involved with you and do things for (and with) you now … things that you possibly missed out on for so many years.

    I know it will be very hard for you and to forget the past is nigh on impossible, but forgetting a past like you’ve suffered, well, that’s an entirely different matter altogether. But we need to try to focus on the here and now. The past will always be there to plague you (I speak of my own here), but we just have to try to build things into our here and now, so it can help us move day by day to our future.

    Stay with us here Karen,

    Neil
    2 people found this helpful
  10. Guest_128
    Guest_128 avatar
    2143 posts
    13 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    This is absolutely huge for you,

    You have a very large heart and soul.

    This is YOUR TURN, there is nothing holding you back, move forward,

    When you see,talk to your son,he doesn't need to know all the heavy stuff straight away,he might not want to know all the crap.

    I can't work out,or may of missed it,have you told the others yet?

    You have done nothing wrong!

    Now you can make YOUR decisions just for you.

    For what you said your life has been. You deserve some happiness and I recon it's coming.

    Dory💐

    1 person found this helpful
  11. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9215 posts
    13 September 2017 in reply to Guest_128

    Hi Ggrand

    this dite is full of guilt and worry, low self esteem and sadness.

    You know the facts, thst you cant turn back the clock. You also know that as a mother your first concern is your son and to work towards filling in the vacuum created over 37 years is your goal.

    Youll have opportunities to explain. Focus on him.

    It wasnt your fault.

    Im so glad you rang him. He would have been over the moon.

    Tony WK

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9087 posts
    13 September 2017 in reply to white knight

    Hello White Knight.

    I wish it was that easy.

    I will run the clock forward and my life will be healed.

    I'm sorry I shared my story.

    i

  13. Quercus
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Quercus avatar
    3544 posts
    14 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Ggrand,

    I don't have anything helpful to say about what to tell your son, it is painful for everyone involved especially if your sons will talk about their father whether you wish it or not.

    But I do wonder if you have ever sought medical help given the abuse in your marriage? You mention not being able to feel happy, feeling pathetic, feeling ashamed, wanting to dissolve... I'm familiar with those feelings. I think anyone who has been abused knows those feelings intimately. For me I needed help (meds and ongoing psychotherapy) to even begin to feel better.

    I can't imagine trying to cope with a shock like this on top of the aftermath of abuse. Please stay and talk with us GGrand. There are so many people here like yourself who are trying to reconcile the memories of person they loved with the abuse they experienced.

    No judgement here. Do whatever is best for you. Please take care.

    Nat

    1 person found this helpful
  14. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9215 posts
    14 September 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Ggrand

    Im sorry that I've said something thats upset you. We try all sorts of means to comfort. Sometimes we get it wrong.

    I hope you are ok. I cant imagine what you are feeling. Not at all.

    Tony WK

  15. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    14 September 2017

    Hi Karen,

    Just stopping in to see how you're doing?

    We're all still here with you and want to support you through this.

    We're not going anywhere.

    I hope you can find some small piece of positiveness out of the recent contact you've had with your adopted son?

    For instance, after the conversation, did you feel some kind of relief after the phone call?

    Neil


    2 people found this helpful
  16. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12416 posts
    14 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Ggrand

    How are you? Everyone on this thread cares and hopes you are ok.

    I can't begin to understand how you feel. I know you are brave and have coped with abuse and managed to look after your children.

    My partner is adopted and found his family when he was in his 50s. His mother had died many years before but he was thrilled to find he had two brothers. He does not know really know much about why he was adopted except his mum was married at the time and that my partner was the result of an affair.

    I feel you are judging yourself so much more than your sons who love you very much. It means a lot to an adopted person to find out they have brothers or sisters.

    I hope you get to meet your son.

    Thanks for sharing your story which I realise was very difficult and painful to do.

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9087 posts
    14 September 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello

    Thank you all for your concern.

    I'm struggling to write anything atm..I have a 276 kilometre drive to try and manage tomorrow, plus speak to my sons. that with Flashbacks and my mind not being able to shut up. I'm really not in a good spot. I have read and reread all your replies and have really thought about what you said.

    2 people found this helpful
  18. Guest_128
    Guest_128 avatar
    2143 posts
    14 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    You poor thing,please try and get some sleep,that's the best medicine you can have.

    I have a really good feeling about this,

    please take care.

    Just be YOU

    Dory😘

    1 person found this helpful
  19. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9215 posts
    14 September 2017 in reply to Guest_128

    Dear Ggrand

    Youre doing ok. Everything is fine

    Tony WK

  20. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9087 posts
    15 September 2017 in reply to white knight

    Oh my goodness.

    I thought my anxiety couldn't get any worse.I was so wrong. 4.30am I've been awake all night.

    Feeling so clammy, heart's running so fast, I'm not sure if i can do this.

    If I had more guts and wasn't such a pathetically weak minded person 37 years ago, this wouldn't be happening now.

    I feel at the moment a complete failure at being a mum and at life.

    Anxiety is so intense atm I want to dissapear. I feel trapped.

    My hubby used to tell me all the time how useless I am. A gutless wonder you don't know how to be a mum. You shouldn't have had children.

    My mind is so full atm wish it would shut up for once.

    1 person found this helpful
  21. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12416 posts
    15 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Ggrand

    I am sorry you are in such a state. I wish you could block out those negative voices and realise what a brave woman and loving mother you are.

    You can do this, you are strong and have coped with a lot.

    It is natural you will be anxious.

    We are here helping you along.We care for you.

    Please be kind to yourself.

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  22. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    15 September 2017
    Hi Karen,

    No way are you pathetic, no way are you weak minded. And then as for those horrific things your husband used to say, well, I’d like you to write them on a piece of paper, take ‘em out to your back yard and either bury them forever, or burn them. NEVER to be thought of again.

    That is not who you are.

    I do hope that you’re on your way to see your sons at the moment … or one of them, I’m not quite sure. It does sound like you’ve got quite a drive in front of you. I can only imagine how your heart would be racing with this, but please please, when you get there, do try to take a step back and see your son(s) for how they are.

    I have absolutely no idea, but I’m assuming that they have families of their own, they have jobs, they live in a house somewhere and they have developed into the kind of person you would have hoped they were going to turn into. Where am I going with this? They wouldn’t have got to where they are now WITHOUT YOU. Read that any number of times you like, but you were their Mum, and you were the one who was, I would think, largely responsible for all their assistance with growing up, learning right from wrong. With how your husband was, I would assume he’d have had very little positive interaction with them.

    So please, know that the babies, the children, the teenagers, the young adults and now men, you helped along in life, are all because of you. That is HUGE and AMAZING.

    Something I’m not sure if I’ve said earlier, and apologies if I have, but after this immediate weekend or however long you’re going to be away, I think it might be a very good idea to get to your GP again, to discuss things and how they’ve been. Just to get a professional view point on things.

    But I do hope the outcome from this trip that you’re having will help you, if not in a small way, I do hope you’ll find some inner peace that in fact, you were a great mum and it was just the horrible circumstances that you had no control over, was the reason and the only reason for how things went.

    My thoughts are with you.

    Neil
    2 people found this helpful
  23. Guest_128
    Guest_128 avatar
    2143 posts
    15 September 2017 in reply to Neil_1

    Just sending a big hug to you and we are all hoping that you are ok,and things are working out ok.

    Dory

    2 people found this helpful
  24. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9215 posts
    15 September 2017 in reply to Guest_128

    Hi

    The way you have acted, your grief, your sadness for your son....

    I wished my mum was you.

    There's nothing else to say

    Tony WK

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9087 posts
    16 September 2017

    Before I left I went into my bathroom and done something stupid..I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and not happy with me so I took out the scissors and cut all my Long hair off..Why did I do something so dumb.

    I arrived in Sydney at around 12.30. I couldn't finish my trip yesterday and stayed in a motel overnight.

    Sitting on the bed I thought to check in for encouragement..

    Neil I am stepping back right now and looking at my 2 sons. They have great wives, beautiful children, good jobs and are both buying their homes. I figure I was an ok mum. Thank you for telling me to do that.

    Now I'm thinking how will they take my news. Will it destroy their happiness I don't want to do that. But I also don't want to destroy the hope of my adopted sons search for his biological family..I'm in a spot I made myself I have to fix it so everyone stays happy..

    So many msg on my phone both sons keep ringing asking if I'm ok and where I am. I told them I changed my mind and will come a day later..That's today a bit more time i need to breathe deeply get myself under control. White Knight thank you for your lovely words, quirkywords thank you for your encouraging words and Dory thank you for your hugs..I don't think I could have gotten to Sydney without your help..

    I need some more time before I leave here.

    1 person found this helpful
  26. Guest_128
    Guest_128 avatar
    2143 posts
    16 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Poop poop poop

    I am outside doing jobs and just remembered today is the day!

    It all going to be ok! your children sound very switched on in life.

    I so recon this is going to make you all so much closer.

    Massive squishy hug for you, we are with you on this and here to talk about it when your ready. I'm so excited for

    Breath and talk slowly,it will ok.

    Dory, I'm holding your hand.xo

  27. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12416 posts
    16 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Ggrand

    Dory is holding one hand and I am holding the other.

    your boys already know how much you love them and what a great mum you are.

    I am sure when you tell them they feel sad that you had to go through so much and they will be delighted about finding out they have a new brother. Everyone will be happy because they have you for a mum.

    I had to smile as I have done that cut my hair impulsively, I am sure you look great . Sometimes we just do things that do not make sense but seemed like a good idea at the time.

    I will be thinking of you today and sending hugs as you need them. I am so proud of you.

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  28. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12416 posts
    16 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Ggrand,

    Thinking of you today.

    Kind thoughts

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  29. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9215 posts
    16 September 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Good luck. Thinking of you

    Tony WK

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9087 posts
    17 September 2017

    Out of the frying pan into the fire.

    They have all thrown me to the Lions Den today

    Not feeling good about this.

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up