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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Topic: Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

  1. demonblaster
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    1 January 2018 in reply to Ggrand
    Yes to respect yourself but I like that you didn't kick up about him pushing in, it's easier to get on with people than be fighting esp when it's strangers just being ignorant or distracted

    Your respect for yourself will come in the form of you liking yourself, that you have every reason to my darlin

    xx

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  2. Ggrand
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    1 January 2018 in reply to demonblaster

    Hello, DB,WK and everyone reading or posting.

    To respect myself is to like me, that's asking the impossible off me..I can't like me because I'm ashamed of me..My respect or liking me died a long time ago..when I couldn't put a stop to my brother and husband and his so called friends. I'm really not at all able to like myself.. I'm trying to accept me, all my faults, flaws, weaknesses, damaged body, mind and soul etc. but even that's hard..

    Kind thought,

    (L&C).

    GG.

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  3. quirkywords
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    1 January 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    It is interesting that you feel you can't like yourself because you are ashamed of yourself. I can relate to that.

    I have something from my past that I feel guilty about and others have not forgiven me and so I can't forgive myself. Unlike you I am not brave to talk about this guilt but I have put that to one side and have tried to accept myself which I am always trying to do.

    I actually I do like myself with a few exceptions.

    I think people often say things that they don't mean.

    I think we all have things from our past that fill us with shame or guilt but some people can make sense and move on. I struggle with guilt and the fact people I love will never forgive or forget.

    GG, I salute your determination, strength and honesty qualities that I need to find more of to help me.

    Kind thoughts and a hug,

    Quirky

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  4. Ggrand
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    1 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    I have been trying to make sense of my life for over 3 years, there is no sense in it.

    Determination, strength, can be with me one minute then it's gone, like now tears are flowing just thinking about my life..

    will I always have this hurting? I really hope not,

    Brave no never brave, I started posting in here out of desperation, because I didn't know what to do and all I wanted to do was run. Which would have been fair for (c).

    I will post this..I was going to cancel it, because atm my anger for me is escalating, due to the simple fact that I acknowledged my thoughts. Like myself, any part of me.. No.

    GG.

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  5. white knight
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    3 January 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Karen

    If you drift away, thats fine, if you cant forgive yourself- hopefully one day you will

    You have given me faith that there is living caring people in the world that are struggling but they retain that thing called hope.

    Hope, in my view is something that one can live for.

    You dont need much else.

    Tony WK

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  6. Ggrand
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    4 January 2018 in reply to white knight

    Hi Tony,

    Thank you for saying it's fine to drift away, and I don't need to forgive me if I can't do it now.. I hope I am able to one day,....

    I really think one has to be well to forgive themselves fully.....Trying to forgive myself while I am the way I am now, just won't work, I see it as I would only forgive a part of me, the mh me, which is only a part of me...forgiving has to be 100% or it isn't being honest to oneself..?..I hope to one day. Tony..

    Tony...I will hold onto hope with all my strength and not let it go no matter how hard things get for me...

    Love your honesty Tony, thank you..

    Kindness only.

    Karen..

    2 people found this helpful
  7. quirkywords
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    4 January 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Karen

    Sometimes things do not make sense, you need to drift away and youcan't forgive yourself yet. They all sound like a sensible plan.

    I like the way you have an insight into what you do and don't need.

    I still think opening up and being honest on these forum does take bravery and you have kept posting even your darkest hours. It does not matter if you were desperate you took a leap of faith and that to me takes courage. You may not see that but I am sure others would agree with me.

    Take your time I am still here supporting you.

    Quirky

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  8. Birdy77
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    4 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Dear Gg,

    You are courageous.

    You are strong.

    You are resilient.

    You have endured extreme hardship, cruelty and you have survived, and have done the very best you could for your 3 boys.

    You are an inspirational woman.

    🌻birdy

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  9. Ggrand
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    4 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    Thank you for staying with me...I need to release my thoughts, feeling somewhere,.. I have absolutely no-one here to talk to... Just example:. Before my son came down just after Christmas I had not seen or spoke to anyone since Vinnies shut 3 weeks earlier, he went home last Sunday, again no-one to speak to....I don't leave my home, except some Tuesdays when I can get to Vinnies, then it's a direct route there then back...

    I need to talk about my darkness somewhere, I need to feel I belong somewhere in my life, need to feel something, or I know the consequences only too well.

    I spent over two weeks in hospital once on a failed attempt. Everyone has to have a release..a safe place or person they can confide in...This is mine...no one knows me, where I live, etc.they know my personality, the type of person I am what I have been through, my horrid life, yes but not me...aI know your personality etc..but I don't know who or where you are..

    Kind thoughts Grandy..

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  10. Ggrand
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    4 January 2018 in reply to Birdy77

    Hi Birdy..

    I'm not you know....

    Im just a mum trying to right a wrong..and make it good for all concerned..

    Kind thoughts GG.

  11. Birdy77
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    4 January 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    I disagree GG ❤

    The woman who has laid her soul bare on these forums is just as i described, and as Quirky and Tony have been describing for months.

    One day you will see her too, i hope, looking with compassionate eyes back at you in the mirror.

    1 person found this helpful
  12. white knight
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    4 January 2018 in reply to Birdy77

    Hi Karen,

    Ive got a suggestion. If you have $3 spare, go to a service station or reject shop and buy a cheap beach ball. Write the topics that hurt you eg the ex, your guilt, past life stuff. Leave it in the back yard. Everytime you feel upset go out and kick it.

    But beware, if you kick it over the fence everyone will know your business !! :)

    Tony WK

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  13. Ggrand
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    4 January 2018 in reply to white knight

    Hi Tony,

    Good idea.......probably I would have to fill it with water to make it so it won't go over the fence.. the way I've been these last few days I would certainly be using it a lot to release some frustration.....

    Your last sentence made me smile, " imagine ". ...Thanks Tony xx

    Karen xx

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  14. Birdy77
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    5 January 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Dear GG,

    I think i might have offended you with my last post.

    I'm really sorry if that's the case, i meant to do the opposite, but i think i got it wrong.

    I just hope that some day you can see the caring and strong lady that everyone here on the forums can see.

    Gentle thoughts always.

    🌻birdy

    2 people found this helpful
  15. Ggrand
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    5 January 2018 in reply to Birdy77

    Hello Birdy,

    No you didn't offend,

    It hurt a little thinking I laid my soul out for all. But I understood what you were trying to say and do..Maybe just a wrong choice of word,

    Please you are welcome here any time, I also have offended some with my words, We are only human and we do get things wrong..

    You have nothing to be sorry about...please post any time here.

    kind thoughts

    GG..

  16. Birdy77
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    5 January 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi GG,

    Thank you for your gracious reply.

    It's difficult sometimes to convey our sentiment through typed words only. Meaning can be lost in translation occasionally. I feel sad if i even caused a moment of upset to you. It was meant with care and gentleness only.

    So that you're clear, i was trying to express my admiration for your courage in sharing part of your story, which has led not only to you getting wonderful support on this thread, by Tony and Quirky in particular (amongst others), but also helped countless others who are reading your story and gaining benefit from it.

    You are taking many on a journey, just by sharing yours.

    I admire that.

    That is what i meant.

    Go gently.

    🌻 birdy

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  17. Ggrand
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    5 January 2018 in reply to Birdy77

    Hi Birdy,

    Thank you for you reply.

    sometimes I've thought I have shared to much of my life. but then again I need to get it out me...Please you didn't offend at all. You are a gentle person with a loving soul. I have a lot of respect for you and your words of help to others me included.

    Sometimes word can trigger me, Just the words "laid your soul bare" is something my ex said to me on occasions which weren't in the nicest of circumstances, you were not to know. Please stay here and let it pass through your mind and forget about it.

    You done nothing wrong, I'm just over sensitive to memories...I have to try and not be, but it's hard..

    You are very welcome here, I enjoy your posts.

    kind thoughts

    GG.

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  18. white knight
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    10 January 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Karen

    Having had a controlling over bearing mum throughout my life not just in childhood, I used to over react to some phrases. These are just examples

    "Back in my day"

    "I never got what you got when I was a child"

    Both of those above are designed to create guilt. To olace guilt onto your child for him simply being born in better circumstances is unfair...as a parent wouldnt you be pleased your child suffered less than you did?

    The other thing was, my mother actually was born in a well off farming family. At 10yo she had a birthday gift-a grand piano. Etc. So she portrayed a poor or discriminatory childhood to serve her needs for attention.

    My point if this is, that when someone said similar things to me, I had to work hard mentally to discount they had the same intent my mother had, to dominate and plant guilt. I called it the benefit of the doubt.

    Topic: the benefit of the doubt- beyondblue

    Usually that doubt took only a few seconds to endure. Then the topic of conversation went on its merry way and all is good. Kind of like a hump to get over the trigger. Thats the result if mental scars. We need to adapt and overcome.

    Tony WK

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  19. Ggrand
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    10 January 2018 in reply to white knight

    Hello Tony,

    Thank you.

    I have felt so bad since I wrote that those words upset me...from now on, I will just shut up.

    The circumstances my hubby said those word to me and on so many occasions left me devastated each time he said them..That was the first time since his death that I had heard them again, it just knocked me down so much.

    I have said sorry to Birdy, (and I meant it ), but I think I hurt her to much for her to forgive me. I don't blame her at all, I should be more sensitive of other people's feeling and not take thing personally.

    Im hurting knowing I hurt her.

    Im sorry Tony...I'm just so useless at trying to put all this behind me..Sometimes I think I'm kidding myself for even thinking I can have some type of a decent life.

    Kind thoughts

    Karen.

  20. Birdy77
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    10 January 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Dearest Karen,

    You have done nothing for me to forgive.

    I said something to you from a place of admiration that hit you in the wrong spot.

    I picked up on that and apologised, you acknwledged that and i thanked you for your graciousness and offered you my further admiration, as per my post above.

    We have shared space in other threads since then and i consider you a lovely presence whenever i encounter you around the forum.

    I never meant any harm and neither did you.

    I hope we can go forward gently together and leave that behind us?

    Please?

    I think highly of you.

    🌻 birdy

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  21. Ggrand
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    10 January 2018 in reply to Birdy77

    Hello Birdy,

    Thank you for your reply and understanding.

    Tony is right, I just read his thread...benefit of doubt.I have so much to learn, How really sad is that, that at my age I need to learn to live, how to trust people, talk to people. Ahhhhh over it all.

    Kindness only,

    Karen.

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  22. Birdy77
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    10 January 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Dear Karen,

    You have been treated with such cruelty, and you are taking amazing steps to build a life from scratch.

    Cut yourself plenty of slack lovely lady.

    Sending care and strength to you.

    🌻 birdy

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  23. white knight
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    10 January 2018 in reply to Birdy77

    Hi Karen

    We aren't doctors of course but there is cognitive deficiency that I was asked to counter during my recovery period. It means there are some parts of us that we lack from either not learning it during our childhood or we, for whatever reason lost it along the way. Domineering spouses can do that to us, the damage resulting from their treatment of us. Stress can do it, hardship, yes, adopting out a child and living out of a car etc. Without stepping over that line let me reassure you that you are a victim and healing will take time.

    So glad you read "benefit of the doubt". We do have to have some faith in others. On occasions we slip up. But that's why people like Birdy, Sad Mushy, Mrs Dools, Quirky, Pepper etc are here, to allow you to slip and we catch you. They caught me to when I started here 4 years ago but at my weight they had to be strong to haul me on board.

    Remember, when we are down we forget how good we feel when up and visa-versa.

    Tony WK

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  24. Elizabeth CP
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    10 January 2018 in reply to Birdy77
    Reading the interaction between Karen & Birdy is inspiring. It shows how easy it is to misunderstand someone but more importantly how Karen speaking up & sharing what upset her allowed Birdy to respond in such a loving way. Lets us all be inspired to sort out our differences in real life in such a considerate way. Obviously I'm not including the toxic relationships we need to avoid but rather the normal relationships werethings don't always go smoothly
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  25. quirkywords
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    10 January 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Karen

    You are human. I say things a lot and am misunderstood and I am forever apologising. My daughter says I have a tonal problem. I think some words mean things to different people and I have said something I think will make someone happy yet it upsets them.

    I hope you are well and realise what a treasure you are. I think sensitive souls are great.

    Big hug

    Quirky

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  26. Ggrand
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    12 January 2018 in reply to white knight

    Hello Tony,

    I just read my other thread, When I said I hate being ordered I was talking about my doctor putting up the ultimatum of visit or hospital. Your following post about denial, is concerning me a bit. I wasn't talking about your previous post, which in actual fact made me to understand the importance of Professionals and there appointments.

    Love and care

    Karen.

  27. white knight
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    12 January 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Karen

    One of my problems on the forum is my workload. There are so mamy people including new members that need our attention that it sometimes gets confusing.

    So dont worry if I suggest a thread to read and it doesnt quite hit the mark of the subject. If you benefit great.

    Cheers Tony WK

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  28. Ggrand
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    14 January 2018 in reply to white knight

    Hello Tony, Quirky.

    Adopted son (b)...Contacted me by fb..all good.

    We were talking by fb msg. We got into a conversation about names, when I said to him that his "parent". kept the name my FIL gave him. (b) said no they named him after his grandfather by adopted parents. Oh, they have same name..Ok his middle name is the male version of my MIL first name.

    (b). has some identical clothing as his elder brother (a). pictures on bf were found of both my sons, both identical clothing, different functions different days, both have tattoos in the same places (I don't like tattoos) but it's their body.

    (b) sent by fb msg, a couple of school photos of him. All 3 look identical at that age, they still do today, the only difference is height, there all over 6' and the eyes, a & c has there dads brown eyes. b has my dark blue eyes.

    My new granddaughter, going by pictures of me when I was her age (7) it's like looking at me, except I have blonde curly hair, she has blonde wavey hair, she has my coloured eyes, the 2 boys have brown eyes.

    A relationship is slowly forming with (b). C is getting there he msgs me regularly now. A hasn't contacted me since he found out about his "new" brother, which is sad, he has 5 of my grandchildren that's missing out on the love I have for them.. I feel my eldest son is being hurtful towards me and selfish towards his children, my grandchildren.

    Its ironic , I find my son, new DIL,and 4 grandchildren..I loose my eldest son, DIL and 5 grandchildren. Bittersweet..

    I miss my eldest son and grandchildren, I can't give up on him. I have attempted to ring him but he never answers the phone. It's up to him now, I have me that needs my attention in getting well..

    Love, Karen.

  29. quirkywords
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    14 January 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Karen, thanks for your update on your lovely sons.

    It is food you are in contac with b and c.

    Have you contacted A via Facebook or email or text rather than phone?

    I am hoping if you give him time he will contact you.

    I am so proud how you told us what was happening and how you are looking after yourself.

    Quirky

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  30. Ggrand
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    16 January 2018 in reply to white knight

    Hello Tony,

    Not sure if you will see this but hoping you will, I might be asking the wrong thing, but I haven't seen your name popping of for a few days on any thread, and was wondering and hoping you are ok. I'm concerned that you might be unwell if that's the case, know that I care and hope you feel better soon, If your taking a break I hope it a good one, you deserve it, if it's a personal matter, i am sending you my kindest thoughts.

    I hope I haven't upset you in anyway, but I'm just concerned about you🦋.

    love always,

    Karen..

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