Hey Blues

Thanks for helping me out tonight...big time...I have a quote that I firmly believe in but rarely place because I save it for people that cant see that I am wearing 'Invisible Crutches'....

"Depression is a serious illness

just like diabetes or heart disease

Expecting positive thinking to cure depression is like expecting a person with diabetes to lower their blood sugar level by thinking happy thoughts"

I dont really like plastic messages either...puppies...flowers...and poetic little messages that get sent to me from people that dont really give a flying fat frogs .......

Anyhoo...as Forrest Gump would say....."I'm pretty tired.......might go home now..."

Take care of you Blue

Mr Woofx

Hey Blue. Damn, you've had a horrible few years there. I can't tell you not to feel guilty for buying those meds, unfortunately, it simply isn't that easy. You've told me before that you have had your reasons and your responsibilities as you have said, they seem of a high enough importance to you for you to keep on keeping on. Whatever those are, that's why you bother. We all have our reasons, and I suppose we have to remind ourselves of that. Irrelevant of how firm our grasp is on them.

I will say that the meds will get rid of the illness so you can work toward getting yourself out of debt, so you don't have to cancel shifts..

I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say really.

I don't think my thoughts in their entirety would come even close to clearing to be seen on here. In your place, suffice it to say, I would be envisioning a truncheon and a very messy room, in the red kind of way.

My own situation also involves a truncheon. I see it casually held by a police officer, standing quietly to the side of my neighbour, having enacted a wonderful new law requiring him to smash to bits his own sound system in recompense for such misuse. So he does, piece by little piece, with a large hammer, tears streaming down his fat face and his oversized body racked with sobs all the while. So satisfying.

My little rant last night was just that: letting off steam. I am certainly no stranger to financial hardship, nor clawing my way out of it. Those "horrible few years" so far, in fact, count as the most financially successful of my life, not including this year. Go figure. It's tiring though, and I have my moments of anger and indignance, as I'm sure anyone would in my place. It just isn't fitting now that I'm in this position after all the work I've done to keep myself out of it.

To be honest, getting sick has done me a favour, so expensive pills notwithstanding, I get a much-needed time out from work. I'm not happy that I lost those casual hours yesterday, but they were few in number, and neither today nor tomorrow impact me negatively in the hip pocket. So now I've had my little rant and got it out of my system, I can suck it up and keep going, as always. I've overcome far worse, so whilst that doesn't make it suck any less, at least I know I'm able to deal with the financial stuff.

It's more the lack of sleep that's making it a problem, sapping my strength and energy to do what I need to. Used to be, when I had no money, I at least had plenty of sleep and time/energy to do things like cook, to reduce my expenditure, and I could play games or whatever (without having to choose between that or sleep), to alleviate stress. Now, I have neither money nor rest. I have a perfectly good man in my life, too, and I'm too tired to enjoy time with him or so full of stress I'm unloading all that on him instead of having fun. I don't want my depression to poison what good I do have in my life.

I'm working on various factors throwing off the balance in my life, and making a little progress in some areas, it's just so damnably slow and arduous, and I haven't a timeline for the resolution of it all. That I can have my rants in the meantime and you guys are listening does help.

I've seen quotes along those lines a few times, Paul, and I always nod to myself inwardly. It's good to know I'm not the only one who thinks all the hearts and flowers stuff is empty and unhelpful. Hope you got a good sleep.

There is a lot of red...and orange and yellow, whirling together. I've set fire to this place many times in my head. And I set in the middle, like I am in the pupil of the eye of Sauron or something. I do not yet know of I will let the flames consume me or if I will keep myself separate. But I'll let it burn because I am so angry, and so f****** sad, and so f****** tired. I am losing control.

I want to...you know.

It's perfectly understandable that you feel that way. Where you are is representative of so much that is all wrong in your life. Fire is a pretty thorough destructive force, it erases much, and it speaks volumes that you think of fire as the way to go. It's not a bad thing to sometimes let your mind go there and watch it happen. Just admitting to yourself what you want and letting that thought play out is a release in itself. As the song says, "We don't need no water, let the mother****er burn. Burn mother****er, burn."...

I'm going to look that song up.

I love fire, ever since I was a child. My scientific curiosity about fire lead me to physically setting the carpet on fire, by accident though. I just wanted to know.

Yesterday was a bad day. Someone called me out on the tremors in my hands aloud at work. I'd been up since 2. The person who was training me has been sick the entire week, so what was to be taught to me in a month was dumped on my lap and expected to learn it all at once just so we don't get backed up. So, the two newbies are running the show, running to each other and going....what do I do now? it's comical when you look past the stress. My parents yet again were showing their lack of respect for me and yes I hate where I am. I'm studying now. I have no other food in this house that is mine other than the now three pudding cups in the fridge. They will be gone by waking hours.

Where you at? You feeling any better?

I owe you an apology. I've been writing these quick responses to you because I want to let you know I'm still here, but in doing so I talk about myself more...sorry

I wanted to tell you that I am glad for you that (even though it seems slow and tiresome) you are taking steps to put yourself in a better place and it is working and that you are recognizing it. It often feels like trying to "fix" depression is like fixing things up with the right tools but the wrong sizes of those tools. And often, we have to get up right close so you can only see the little increments while everyone else (who is keeping track) can see the progress line. The hardest part, I think, and you have mastered it, is that you are able to believe that you are making progress.

I hope you are feeling better physically so you are in an even better place to tackle that depression and put a mask on it instead as payback.

Sounds like you're going through a pretty intense period at the moment, so I can hardly blame you for being a bit inwardly focused. That you've made the effort to post even so is a mark of consideration in itself, and I appreciate it. If I need more direct interaction, I'll be sure to say so. Yesterday and today at least I've had enough rest to be feeling more like myself. The calm and logic and general neutrality of my natural state are with me at the moment, and so I am better able to see progress.

The song is "Fire Water Burn" by The Bloodhound Gang. Not exactly profound, and what I quoted is the best line it has. It gets trotted out periodically by we jaded grunts at work. As does "It burns, burns, burns, that burning ring of fire", but that's more in the context of unfortunate body functions...

Sorry to hear work is adding to your stress. Always the way, when you've got enough on your plate already. Your situation reminds me of a stretch at work a couple of years back. Somehow it worked out that both my manager and the second in charge were on holiday at the same time. I and a colleague were both experienced with most of what needed doing and could run things okay, except neither of us had done an order before, and hadn't been trained. We had a couple of sketchy notes to work with, and that was it.

In context, your whole day is either made or broken by an order: too little, there's nothing on the shelves, too much and it takes forever to fill it, leaving no time for everything else and with limited space out the back, it can make things pretty chaotic. Trying to get it right, we took too long and our first order got in late. The distribution centre didn't accept the order and decided for themselves what to send us. It was an absolute disaster. At this point we were also making first impressions on our new boss (thankfully a fairly good-humoured sort of fellow). So yeah, I have some idea of what you're going through. I hope things start to ease up for you, soon.

I am, fortunately, no longer requiring tissues to be stuffed up my nose. Still a bit run down, but overall a lot better than I was and glad of the time off work, even if I did have to be the Boogie Monster for it (blame my manager for that dad joke; he was quite amused with himself). I don't think I'll bother putting a mask on my depression. That's giving it too much attention. Feeding it. It can just sit in its corner, disregarded, and so much the better if it dies.

It has been pretty intense. My mood hasn't been very stable either. I don't know about these new meds, I can function, but around my moods. I still feel what I feel. I'm supposed to be feeling "pleasure" from life again. All I feel is how unstable my hands are because of the trembling or tremors. It's that feeling of overworked muscles and they just can't take anymore, sans the muscular pain. I'm told they will subside.

At least you had a good humored boss. My boss isn't so bad either. He just words questions like statements, so he says you don't know how to do this, but he's actually asking you if you know how. When I learned that, I felt better about myself. I suppose I now know more of the scope of what is entailed in the full version of the job. I always learn better if I piece it together myself, and that's what I have been treating it as; a puzzle. I found it quite funny when the guy under the big boss who started when I did comes to me and asks me how to do these things. He looks like he gets frazzled under stressful conditions and just can't filter after a certain point. Considering I won't be there to help him tomorrow (exam day) I wonder how he'll do. I did leave instructions and filled all the paperwork.

I am truly glad that you are feeling better and more stable. I suppose when your body forces you to rest, you better damn well rest ey? I consider this convo to be one of those social interactions that aren't compulsory in my life, so, I will definitely make time for it, and you (mind permitting - but you understand that, which I appreciate). And definitely tell me when you want more interaction.

If you don't want to, I understand, but tell me about coldplay's fix you. It has accompanied me through a lot of low points, when I've felt like I needed to be held. I don't usually like hugging and contact unless I'm really close to someone, so that feeling tells me something about where I'm at. Forget the words even, the music, the sound resonates with me for some reason. One of those things. I like Muse's "Mercy" as well that describes thing well.

Alright, definitely a youtube song then.

I hope your birds are well and enjoyed you staying at home

I'm sorry you're having trouble with your meds. I guess I was lucky. I was on antidepressants at one point, and told they would likely take weeks to improve anything, but they kicked in from the first day I took them. I did get quite bad stomach cramps sometimes while taking them, but not too often and that was the only side effect I noticed. Decent trade- off, in my opinion.

​I'm glad you have a decent boss, and that your input matters at work. Hopefully your offsider will hold it together okay in your absence. All the best with your exam, by the way.

Non-compulsory social interactions are the best kind. I appreciate you making time for me, and this conversation. It's something I value.

"Fix You" is attached to a moment with my ex. We had not long come away from the most harrowing thing to happen in our relationship - the catalyst for my depression, and his. I played the song to him, thinking it a positive thing, and he took it very much out of the intended context; that I thought him broken or not whole, not good enough to forgive as he was, rather than simply in need of healing. He was really hurt and upset. I remember that moment when I hear the song.

I don't know "Mercy", at least not by name. Will look it up at some point. I have so many songs I go to when I'm down. Portal's "The Kingdom" and "Your Kettle" help me. Josh Pyke's "Lighthouse Song", "Eat Me Alive", and "Parking Lots". The night I first posted on Beyond Blue I discovered a band called Gnarl. "Path" and "Sky" particularly spoke to me. Whether you'd like them or not I don't know. For me they are very insightful and lyrically superior to most songs.

Thanks for thinking of my wee birdies. They have had plenty of time out to play. Couldn't have either of them out overnight, though. I let the eldest stay out often, but with tissues up my nose, his first action would be to grab the tissue and fly off with it (not kidding). Not so good for his health.

Hope you're left in peace for once, to study, and that you are in a reasonably good mental space for your exam. You deserve a victory, here.

It's the third set of meds that he's added and increased that's giving me problems. I was told it would subside though, so here's hoping. You know that whole "observing a system, changes the system" concept? I don't know if they are getting worse or because I know that it is happening, is making it worse. I know I feel them more or they affect me more when I am tired and run down or stressed, essentially weaker. They got in the way a bit during the exam when I was trying to draw a graph. Thanks for the well wishes by the way, and checking in. My exam went okay I think. I felt okay when I walked out. There was one question that I couldn't figure out at all, and I am convinced there's a typo because I noticed two others in the paper. I'm still trying to work it out in every conceivable way. I know I have missed out on about 12 marks out of 160 minimum. But, it's okay. The second semester has started so, what's done is done and got to move on. I'm just glad I wasn't as obsessive as I thought I would/have been in the weeks leading up to it. My parents too me to Ikea when all I wanted to do was sleep after. I was actually falling asleep leaning on the trolley. Not a great idea. Suffice it to say I crashed when we finally got back. I slept for 13 hours. I woke up at 9pm with a big headache and that's because I forgot to take my meds on time.

I understand now, about Fix you. I never thought about it meaning the way your ex took it. That's pretty destructive actually.

I have not heard of any of those songs, I'll admit. There is so much variety out there. What genre are those from exactly?

I've come to like your birds, the way you've described them. Shah,they constantly on the hunt for things to nest with.

Hope you've had a good day.

Hm, that's an awful lot of meds. It's a bit of a catch 22 that focusing too much on a side effect can exacerbate it. I do hope they ease up, soon. Doesn't sound like fun at all.

Glad you're feeling okay about your exam. But seriously, I don't blame you for crashing after. Who in their right mind wants to go furniture shopping after something like that? Your folks have some daft ideas. I had a song on in the car on the way home that made me think of you and your folks: "Killing in the Name Of" by Rage Against the Machine (particularly the bit where it extensively repeats "**** you, I won't do what you tell me!".

Yeah, "Fix You" really backfired on me. In hindsight, knowing how worthless he was feeling, I got where he was coming from, but it wasn't at all my intent. I looked up "Mercy", by the way. Not bad at all.

Doesn't surprise me you haven't heard of the songs I mentioned. I usually don't bother talking about my music preferences because I typically just get blank stares. Portal is a Canadian progressive rock band - not exactly heavy, but not exactly light, either. The songs I mentioned touch on themes of economic class and being a tad out of synch with society. Josh Pyke is and Australian folksy type singer. Not my usual style, but he's a master wordsmith, in my opinion. Manages to take the mundane and make it kind of poetic, but with a hint of awkward intellectualism, which suits me perfectly. You'd have to listen to get where I'm coming from on that. And Gnarl is an Indian band. They're kind of a meld of genres, hard to describe. A bit on the heavy side, but really rich in both music an lyrics, in my opinion. Ooh, The Rasmus is another good band. Finnish, and on the heavyish side of rock, a bit emo in lyrics. Was listening to "In the Shadows" on the way home (it has a pretty good clip, too). Sorry, I'll stop bombarding you with music, now. I do know my tastes aren't for everyone.

I'm glad my wee birdies have made an impression. They don't really go looking for things to nest with, but they have plenty of other mischief to get up to. The eldest (and the smaller of the two) will bathe in my hands if I cup them under a running tap, and he did that tonight. Cutest darn thing.

Today was okay. Back to work, started at stupid o'clock, so pretty tired now. I'll get back to that other thread eventually. Not today though, as I have another early and plenty to do before I have to be in bed. Hope today was a better day for you.

It's more like I'm thinking about getting on a positive track maybe sometime...bullying will definitely have to happen, though I bully myself a lot.

I hope that you have a good day today (if you read this in the morning), or have had a good day (if you read this after). I think that covers it.

Ah, yep, I know that place pretty well. More than a little familiar with having to bully myself, too. Gets results, though, more often than not.

So far so good, today. Very tired and stomach is a bit off, but was surprisingly productive at work this morning. Otherwise, doing okay. I notice my post from last night has turned up.​

Hey, just replying to that post now. Glad you had a productive day. Just got Netlflix (free for a month) so my productivity levels might actually visit the negative. Unless one can assume watching tv is productive as it is an activity. Of course, I haven't been succeeding in that either.

Anyway...3 different meds that result in me feeling like a worthless piece of s*** everyday. One to help me sleep, one to make me feel okay and one to make me feel good. My parents aren't very considerate of me, as we've come to discuss. Ah rage against the machine. I had all their music growing up. I haven't thought about them for a while. That part does describe it well hah. I will look into those songs. Consider my curiosity piqued.

I love In the Shadows. I was listening to that at Ikea actually. Awesome song. I rarely look at music videos though. I remember, just around that song came out, a guy named Rasmus started school, oh he got so much grief from having that name. I don't mind you bombarding me with songs. I like Muse and 30 seconds to mars and fall out boy and various rap artists. There's a particular song by Techn9ne that is called Psycho which I love, and another with the same name by Muse. The beginnings of a trend? There are other bands like Placebo and Sum 41 and Blink 182. Just depends on the mood. Let's have this sprinkled with that etc.

Actually, I think you've changed my whole perspective on birds. I watch them for more than just their flight now. That does sound cute. Reminds me of when I bathed my dogs. One of them had the long and fluffy fur but when she got wet, she looked like a rodent. And she would just look at you with those eyes that said, "I was magnificent before, look at me now...Why?" All was forgiven afterward when groomed and blow dried. It's like it would give her all this energy and she would just run all over the house. It was the freedom from the bath tub. I miss having a dog.

I had Netflix for a bit, and it wasn't bad. It was the ex's account though, so I didn't get my own when he left (money and all). I can watch anime and stuff online, and that's good enough for me. Hope you find something good to watch. Also, sorry your meds are making you feel crap.

Glad to know you like Rage Against the Machine, and The Rasmus (can't imagine why that kid copped it, it's a great name). Dunno if you are familiar with Apocolyptica (a Finnish band that plays heavy stuff but with cellos), but the singer from The Rasmus did vocals on a couple of their tracks, "Life Burns" and "Bittersweet", the former of which I really like. The other one sounds good too, but I steer away from love triangles as a song theme (though it's tastefully handled). I like Fall Out Boy, too, and Placebo. And Blink 182... "**** a Dog" gets played loudly in my car sometimes to embarrass my brother (*insert evil grin here*). Listening to Muse now ("Psycho"), and I like it. I'll check out the other stuff you mentioned, when I'm not lining up for a Rick and Morty marathon.

On songs called "Psycho", there's one by Beasts of Bourbon that I like (all except the bit about the puppy). It's a tad dark. Ooh, another band I should mention is Coldrain. I believe I brought them up on one of your song-related threads. Particularly "We're Not Alone", it's inspiring without being saccharine. They're a Japanese screamy/emo band I discovered through the intro of an anime (Rainbow) that I enjoyed a lot. Pretty much all of their songs are great (on the subject of progress, you may enjoy "Divine"). Fear Factory are good, too, heavy and very anti-establisment.

I'm glad you're getting a new view of birds. I always liked them, but then my ex started bringing home all these little baby birds he found that needed help, and I discovered so much more about them. We had four all up before we split (we each have two, and though I miss the little ones, I know he dotes on them and they are doing well). It's an amazing experience raising them, and watching them change and grow, and learn to run and fly. They even bathe differently. One really enjoys it, and does it with finesse. The other plops into the bath and comes out so soggy and shivering. The two with the ex would squabble over the bath, one spending ages in there, and the other doing a fly-by, dropping in for a second and zooming off again.

I like dogs, too. My other half has two, and they're huge and beautiful. Would be a job to bathe them.

I should also say that not every big city is tolerant of the oddball thinker either. Over here, towing the norm line is practically forced upon you.

Imagine a town where oddball thinkers were the norm.