Is that a dig at me Paul? Subtle.

I guess I'll stop talking. Don't want to bother people with s of diagnosis.

How rude of me!

Hey Deb,

I don't know how to gauge your last post...I'm sure Paul didn't mean anything by what he said, he likes opinions.

With regard to the symptoms you laid claim to, perhaps you are borderline BPD, and that is why your psychologist didn't want to label you just yet? Granted, they have now agreed to it, but maybe you show some traits of BPD and traits of depression, they co exist very well. Hopefully, they wouldn't have said yes to BPD to just to satisfy your need for answers...that would be very immoral. Why not go back and ask? If you don't mind answering, how come your psychologist or psychiatrist didn't show you the symptoms straight away? You seem to be learning them now...

I see him out of necessity, he knows my story, or most of it, and in the country I am in, I can only get my meds through a psychiatrist. Last year, I used him out of need, didn't open up, now it's too late to change.

Hey Paul, self diagnosing. It would seem a function of both ease of access of information, and the hassle it is to seek professional advice. I think it is too easy to try and self diagnose in the world we are in today, firstly. Ultimately, I think it cannot work. We cannot rule out for certain the number of things that the internet comes up with, it adds to our problems rather than placates a concern, so we have to go through the process of seeing a doctor. I think there are a lot of attempts to self diagnose, but we still need an authoritative figure to tell us; yes or no. As such, I think there isn't as much of self diagnosing as there appears to be, as we all know the effects of Dr. Google. That still is too much in my opinion. We can do a lot of harm to ourselves by waiting on a problem and not getting help.

Hey Joelle,

Interesting comment. Not to put words in your mouth, but would you say it's made you complacent - "Now I know what's wrong, so I can just wallow in self-pity/hatred/anger/sadness."

What makes you feel like the psychiatrist is brushing you off? It could be true, but it could just be "in your head" so to speak. People tell me I read into things too much so I try to avoid that now, which is weird because I always used to think of myself as good at reading people. Instead, better to just talk to the person about it.

And what do you mean about your psychologist being a band-aid? I would've thought the medication would be the band-aid and the therapy being the long-term solution.

Hey James...

I was having, and may still be having a "let it all burn" moment.

I don't think complacent is the right word. I feel like this label has been dropped into my lap in the last few minutes of my previous psych session and not at all addressed in my last one. I brought it up, he brushed my concerns off. I mean, I tell him that I'm hearing things/seeing this shadow that follows me/my dreams creep into my vision; and for a person who depends heavily on her brain to interpret, judge and act in this world, just being told I have BPD and not all of that may be accurate is a very hard adjustment (as you know) but to also know that my brain is putting things in there, that not all of it is real, that throws me completely. The effect of reversing the poles on this earth. And before I can explain it (because I wrote it down for it to be explained, I knew how important it was), before anything real can be said, he gets me out of the door. And, I had other concerns which I mentioned earlier. He was late coming to work, he comes to work with his kids because there isn't anyone to look after them. He interrupts me to take a phone call and to message a couple of people, that smile was surely condescending, and he tells me all will be fine. I was in there for about 15 mins. If nothing else, how can he know how my meds are doing if he won't listen. So yea, let him burn. Let me explode and let him know the consequences of his inactions. I don't even want to go back really.

My psychologist like a band aid...I have this feeling she gets more out of me than I get from her at the moment. All the exercises she gives me are explained via email because we always run out of time. The last time, felt nothing when I walked out. Just that it was pointless. I should give this one more time, we've only had three sessions, apparently we will deal with the meaty stuff next time.

I wouldn't say complacent, I would say I have realized that I am not beholden to anything except myself, and I don't care about myself, anyone who knows me will know that. BPD just gives me a reason. Social norm is never going to be attained, I will have to work hard for something that resembles it only. And if I am not tethered to my society in any way, and I'm not really, then okay. Let it all burn, and let me burn with it. Gives me a perverse satisfaction. I don't think my meds are really working yet to be honest. So, they don't even get considered.

Right now, I've been dumped in the deep end of a pool, which those who are supposed to be helping me see as calm, but I see as turbulent, I have been told in vague terms how to swim, but haven't been shown (application teaches me more than theory), and I am expected to stay afloat, when all I want to do to show them up and let the struggle stop is to let me sink.

Did that make sense?

Hey Joelle,

Quick comment about your doctors: that totally, completely, sucks. Mostly about your psychiatrist’s behaviour which is ompletely unacceptable, but I really do hope it starts to get better with the psychologist. I think it’d be a good idea to bring it up with the psychiatrist or just go get a different one.

About how you’re feeling at the moment, I hope you don’t mind if I answer by giving my own thoughts and feelings over the past few days/week/I don’t know how long. I feel like it might be easier to relate to that way.

For all my life, it’s like there are “truths” I’ve been living by. That I should fit in, that I should help others, that others should help me, all sorts of beliefs. But all of these are about other people. And now I’m being told to focus on myself.

Except… as we’ve discussed, I don’t know what that is. I don’t even know if it exists or if I just have to build it from scratch. And I know that the people telling me can’t show me how because they’re not in my head.

Now, if I was in a right state of mind, I’d say bring it on. Let the challenge come and let me build an absolutely glorious new “Me”. But I’m not in the right state of mind. I don’t want to do it. I want someone else to do it for me, but they don’t want to, so bugger it. I didn’t notice that I had this anger in me but one of the nurses at the hospital pointed it out and, well, I’ve been silent on the forums because I really don’t trust myself.

So let me try again:

Do you feel self-destructive? And welcoming of that? Hopefully I'm wrong and misreading you, but I do wonder if there's an element of that.

James

Hi James...

Yes to both. Very perceptive of you. If you want specifics (I don't know if this will get through) but there is a blog called chronic malarkey on wordpress that describes it, especially the last post.

I fully understand about living certain truths. That is what I feel like to. How I should be rather than how I am. Fight after fight of how I should be. Never really paying attention to how I am except knowing I am not right.

There is definitely anger, and yes, it is welcomed.

The psychiatrist I think final made me untrusting of him. Solidified the wall that Was transparent but there. I don't know if I am willing to go back, or willing to find another one which is an absolute mess in this country.

Right now, I am physically trying to hold myself together, I have an exam tomorrow which I am incredibly unprepared for, and I have to change my studying methods drastically right now.

Hey James,

I don't know where my post went. In summary, yes what my psych did sucks, I don't really want to go back nor do I want to find another one. Yes I feel self-destructive and yes I am welcoming of that. If my post doesn't show up later, I can address the other things in our comment.

Joelle

Hey Joelle,

Not sure how to respond. I read the last post you mentioned.

It made me think of this poem I wrote. Similar feeling, but somewhat different. I don't know if I've shared it before - I've lost track.

There's so many questions floating in my head and in yours it seems.

Very confused. There was a comic I saw once - a girl eating something and saying "I'm not hungry. I'm empty."

I realise I do the same. I eat. I find things to attach myself to. And it's all fleeting. Certain things I honestly am glad I don't do to rid myself of emptiness. Things that make me want to hug you and say it's okay.

We'll be okay.

My psychologist is changing tactics with me and starting DBT. She doesn't think I'm in a stable enough mind to work on schema therapy. We'll see how it goes.

Shackles

Hey James,

I wanted to say first, you have such an amazing way with words. You haven't shared it before, so thank you. It fits. And I hate that you feel like that. I hate that I feel like that.

I am glad you don't do those alternate things. I don't know which is worse, hating that I need to do it, or not caring and wanting to. It feels like the ultimate way to burn bridges. I will take that hug, and pay you in kind. Thank you.

I hope that therapy works for you. Let me know how it goes, may be something I look into when I get out of this place.

Yes, I am done with study until December. So I will be active on my tough Mudder thread with an elaborate and painful exercise plan hah.

How are you doing today?

I'll keep you updated on the therapy here. Knowing how I'm going, it'll be a while before I have anything of use to say, but hey, maybe there'll be a miracle?

Oh that's good to hear. So you get a bit of a break. Do you know what you'll do with your time? Just have a rest? I remember when uni finished for me in June. I had sooo much time, I didn't know what to do with it. It'll be good to fill that in with something.

My 21km run is in 2 1/2 weeks...I should really get training properly again, or I'm going to cause some serious damage to myself! I think I've actually done something to my foot - every now and then, I get a tingle in my toes. It's a bit concerning.

Ah today's pretty average (i.e. bad). Got stuck in my thoughts too early in the day so the day's over and it's just a matter of getting to home time, then going home and hopefully zoning out. A lot of meetings at work...not good. I hate meetings when I'm like this. I can't focus.

Have you ever taken boxing classes? I've been thinking of doing that for a while. It's meant to help with all that stuff I bottle up inside. Particularly bad today - some days I just feel like I could get into a fight with someone, which is weird because I hate violence and pain. Just too much anger I guess, mostly/all directed at myself.

Okay, I lied. Really concerned about my foot. If I can't run... I don't know. it's the only thing i can do half well at the moment.

Ah I hope it's not permanent.

Hey James, if there's tingling, definitely get it checked. Any pain/swelling? I remember before you said you had foot pain, so definitely worth a check.

I work 9.5 hours a day plus an hour and a bit travelling. So the training will occupy the rest of my time. I plan on picking up a book, and get back to my study of chess. I have already challenged my bro, the game is afoot!

I'm sorry about your bad day, I was actually unravelling really badly before my exam, so I understand the inopportune moments the brain can take to wreak havoc. How are you today? I had a bad night myself. Nightmares.

I used to take martial arts, black belt in karate myself. And I have taken boxing, and I love every bit of it, but my knee was unable to take the 40 minute warmups. I think it was the sprinting on that mat flooring, made the knee go weird. I struggled with it for two weeks until I couldn't bend my knee and thought I'd give it a miss. I now have a punching bag which I go crazy on. But, I definitely recommend the boxing classes. But like, proper boxing. I joined with an MMA/boxing/kickboxing gym. Love kickboxing. I am a bit of a brawler.

I dislike violence and anger and pain also (ironic a bit no?) but when it extends out of me. There is virtue I think, in releasing it in a controlled way. Not to others but getting it out of you.

Definitely get the foot checked, it need not be permanent if you deal with it now.

Cool. what area do you work in, if you don't mind sharing? is it most days of the week?

Yeah I used to do kickboxing but I hurt my ankle running so had to stop. hence the thought about picking up boxing. I also used to do tae kwon do and judo. MMA would be heaps fun but i'm just scared of the people! I'd hate to be hurt badly and then really be stuck in my head, haha.

Sorry, short post. Really nervous about tonight. I had it coming around lunch time so i don't know what i'll do later! blarughl.

MMA is fun but...you would have to be okay with all parts of another persons anatomy being very close to yours haha, classiest way I could say that. I think it's just more dangerous when you compete rather than training. But definitely do what you're comfortable with.

I have a stupid, soul sucking job at an offshore oil company. Saving up money until I move next year. I think it is really affecting my mental health, just putting up with it, but one needs money to get anywhere in this world...I work 5 days a week.

what is happening tonight, I know you wanted to post, but is there more? If it is the post, even if you can't press post...it's okay. Take your time.

about the anger, I put up a punching bag. Feels good. It gets the nervousness out. That restless energy one can feel when they think their thoughts shouldn't be acceptable but still exist.

Okay... so I've hit on a point. When my thread comes up, all that and the emptiness I feel. ..that's my walls all getting smashed. And me realising that everything I do is just me putting up more and more walls and they're all coming down now. And yet I still build more just to stave off the inevitable rawness of just being me, whatever the hell that means. Even now.

Such. A. Drag.

Aha yep. What we talked about ages ago at the bottom of the first page.

Dangerous indeed.

Yes, I remember James.

It may feel like crap, but I think it's a huge deal you're realised it for yourself. I think you can somehow start giving substance to that rawness you feel you are. It can be anything. Pick something small and try it out. I mean, I guess that's what everyone does.

have you tried telling any caregiver of yours about this realisation? Or are you having a crap time with yours like I am?

I'm not going to ask you what you enjoy as yours or anything like that, but, is there anything you resonate with? Like the stars, like the outdoors? Like running. If that tethers you to any feeling, like being capable or something, anything"

Crap like yours.

No I don't know what resonates with me. Depends who I'm with. If I Was on my own, sleeping forever resonates with me. Doing absolutely nothing. But I can't build my identity from there haha

Hah, sleep. I wouldn't sleep forever. I have too high a ratio of nightmares to actual sleep. Lying in bed though, that could be the commitment I've been looking for.

Hmmm...so, when you brought up running earlier, you said it was the only thing that did something for you even though you couldn't identify it. Why has that changed? Is it because of what the guy at the hospital said? Because, I've been thinking about that...and, isn't doing something for the reason of being able to claim it as yours, is I run because I want to identify as runner, isn't that the same as doing it for yourself, to achieve something you want to be? It isn't for others to be considered a runner. You know? The lines are blurry I guess. I guess it depends on whether you will call yourself a runner at the end of it or you want others to call you that.

It's okay that you can't find something right away. I'm sorry you are experiencing the sae crap as me. Are you able to change? Or like me, cbf?

S***stirrers is what we are, haha. We stir s***.

Here's a tame post.

Do you think you're argumentative?

I ask because I realise I "play devil's advocate a lot", usually when I have to talk about my own opinion. Possibly because I don't really have one and I'd rather be the logical philosopher than not have an opinion. But I get really agitated when playing devil's advocate and then I get confused about what I believe, and people get annoyed with me (or I think they do).

Yeah, reason #52102 why my ex broke up with me. Maybe it's just me?

I would say I can be argumentative. Logical philosopher is definitely a part I play, because I like getting others to think, and I also like thinking. But, I do have my own opinions based on my logic. However, these are not often vocalised as a lot of the time, people want to hear what they want, and I don't want to provide that service. They get annoyed at me for that. I would rather get them to comprehensively think about their situation and let he come to their own conclusions, so I am not pandering or culpable at the end of the day. It has come to a stage where I don't trust my opinions, I trust the thought process, if that makes sense. I am open to being changeable.

Hmmm...I don't know what to say about your ex, I'm not good with that stuff...sorry. Would you like to say more about her?

I had an interesting thought; when I watch TV shows that I like, my whole...persona changes. Example, I watch The Wire or the Get down, I'm all Gangsta, I watch Downton Abbey, I say my words very British etc...you think that's strange? I haven't met anyone who does it.