Dear Deep67~

Although you are listed as having made 2 posts I can't find the other one - my apologies. That being the case I'll treat this one as your first and start by welcoming you here.

I'm very sorry to hear the medications have had that horrible effect. My grandfather had Parkinson's disease so I've some small idea of what is involved.

Look, can I suggest that it might be better if you made a personal thread of your own? I mention this because it is by far the best way to let the majority of people know what is happening to you and maximize your chances to talk with others who may have similar problems.

This thread here is normally only reached by those who are talking with Elizabeth, and that is only a very small percentage of all that are here.

I'll be looking look out for you, any hassles sing out

Croix

Dear Elizabeth~

I'm sorry, though not surprised, you are still tired.

Your question is not as straightforward as one might imagine. I can understand a medical professional who might deal every day with women whose lives are dominated by men in abusive relationships thinking that no permission is needed, however I don't think your position is the same. There are a couple of things.

A lifetime of habit between husband and wife does build expectations, and to suddenly change can be a worrying development. As an example if my partner suddenly went out without letting my know were, or if I did that to her, we would think something was wrong. In my case I might wonder if I had dome something to annoy her (yes, I know, an impossibly remote possibility).

In your husband's case with his disability he is much more reliant than most, and to simply announce your forthcoming departure might be frightening. While not suggesting he be allowed to prohibit your going it might take some tact to put him at ease with (or at least accept) the idea.

I guess to try answer your question (which I've no real hope of doing properly) you would have to know how important the matter was. Medical matters - such as your well-being - trump another's convenience. You would also have to know realistically what the effect of your actions might be.

Croix

Thank you Croix, I'm glad you reassured me that you would be extremely unlikely to do anything wrong. That is what I expected of you!!!

My question re asking permission was more general. In the case of me going away I believe it was important to discuss it with my husband.

I think it is polite to check with other people who are likely to be affected by your choices before making final decision But this should cut both ways so both share in decisions rather than one controlling the other.

The reason I brought this up is that I tend to seek permission sometimes because I don't feel entitled to do what I want. I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself well. It is more about seeking reassurance that what I'm doing or thinking of doing is OK because I feel guilty about doing things for myself or putting someone out.

Dear Elizabeth~

Of course I live up to your expectations:)

I understand what you mean about validation, I guess the problem is if it is taken too far. You know what is important and you need to be able to continue on wiht you plans even if you do not receive another's blessing. It might be uncomfortable but somethings simply must be done anyway. You are quite sensible enough to realize what things need doing, and i suppose keeping the idea of necessity foremost in the mind may quieten down your needs for approval.

Dunno

Croix

Croix

Yesterday was a good day. The weather was nice & I'd slept well. Got up late but felt less tired & more motivated than I have for ages particularly later in the day when I'm usually exhausted. Unfortunately this hasn't lasted. I got up early after a broken nights sleep. Mowed the grass before my dtr dropped off grandkids at 8am. The grandkids were fine until my son arrived with his 2 at the park & they started annoying their cousins. Came home & my son helped me get lunch for everyone. One nice thing was my oldest grandson commented that his 2 yr old brother was the cutest boy in the world!! Later he told me he is so lucky having such a good brother.

By the time everyone left in the afternoon I felt tired & unmotivated. I found anxiety levels escalated. I think there are a few things I'm worrying about so I'm feeling out of control.

This week has been very stressful. I leave tomorrow & have had tons to organise both for myself but more importantly setting everything up for my husband. Unfortunately the arrangements I had made earlier fell apart & attempts to sort out alternative carers became extremely difficult & stressful.

Since my last post I've had siblings visit & ring. Although I love them I am stressing as one is visiting in a months time & has a list of things she wants to do but the other has different ideas so I feel caught in between. I am not good at working out what I need or want & being assertive enough to put forward my wishes. I find her son who is disabled hard to handle & her husband can be difficult. Maybe it is just me worrying too much.

Dear Elizabeth~

It sounds like once again you have overcome all those difficulties and I'm delighted you leave tomorrow. Even though I'm sure you will stress about leaving your husband in other's care I'm also sure that distance will be good for you.

You are really crossing your bridges worrying about your sister's visit. It may sort out without any action on your part. Can you try to concentrate on your time away? I think one of the wisest moves you have made recently was to just cancel your husband's booking and go by yourself.

How will your back stand up to the travel?

Croix

Hi Croix, I'm back. My back survived although my neck struggled with the jolting over rough roads & my shoulder is a bit sore but will come good soon.

My husband managed fairly well. I'm trying to identify what worked & what didn't to learn for the future.

I was quite tired a lot of the time due to the stress of getting ready & then being on the go on tour. I also felt a bit out of place as others were either single or with their partners so I fitted into neither category. One day I became badly triggered on a walk by the burnt vegetation we walked through. I had coped earlier so this came out of the blue. By the time I arrived at the destination,a beautiful gorge with water hole to swim in the emotional strain of trying to keep myself under control cracked & I burst into tears. This meant others noticing & asking what was wrong. Trying to explain was embarrassing & led to people trying to reassure me with logic. Unfortunately I know the logic but my mind doesn't so I just felt everyone thinks I'm stupid & overreacting. This experience left me feeling bad for several days.

Dear Elizabeht~

It's nice to have you back. I'd hope after reading your account that it would encourage you to take off more often. Yes I agree it's a right pain you were triggered, and being given 'logical' fixes is so annoying, still it may not happen again (Sahara next time, just incombustible sand). Happened to me coming out of a movie theater around 6 months ago, as you say embarrassing.

I really would not worry about the impression you left with them, they are probably busy being vexed with themselves for being so obviously unable to give the needed comfort.

I'm afraid it is built into people that offering support means fix-it. It took me a while to learn better. That plus the fact I couldn't fix things anyway.

I think the really good thing is your husband survived the experiencing, and with you taking note of what did and did not work next time will be that much smoother.

Croix

I'm sorry Croix The Sahara is off the bucket list. Heat sand & high risk of sunburn are definite no nos. Now if you suggested the Arctic or Antarctica that would suit me fine!!!

Next challenge is my sister's visit. I'm visiting my brother Monday to discuss what is happening so I feel a bit more in control. The visit should be something to look forward to but I'm worried because the last time I spent with her I really struggled dealing with her son, daughter & husband. Hopefully the daughter will be better this time as she is no loner a spoilt teenager but her son is autistic & can be very difficult & my brother & SIL say her husband has got worse not better.

Hi Elizabeth,

Just dropping by to say hello and wishing you all the best.

Hope the family encounter goes well. My parents are coming to visit next week so that will be an interesting time. My Dad likes to sit in my husband's favourite chair at the dining table! It is almost like watching "Musical Chairs" to see who can get their first!

Hope you manage to find another holiday destination for the future!

Cheers from Dools

Dools Good luck with your parents' visit. Maybe you should join in with the musical chairs to get more exercise & spice things up!!!

I visited my brother yesterday to discuss plans for my sister's visit. His family are experiencing lots of serious issues including serious injury, relationship problems, mental health issues & a serious court case. I won't go into details as they aren't relevant. The result is both he & my SIL are understandably very stressed. Unfortunately my brother is a control freak so he wanted to control all the decisions but can't commit to anything. I am expected to tell her that she needs to go away with her immediate family & stay overnight as my SIL doesn't want her staying that night but still complains that my sister isn't staying long enough.

I came home wanting to run away & avoid the whole visit. I need to let my kids know the plans so they can arrange time off to attend activities they want to attend but there is very little that my children would want to attend or the activities are likely to be rescheduled to suit my brother & his family. I don't have room to have my sister's family stay at my house.

This is triggering memories of negative events in the past re my sister & brother's families & totally wiping out all good memories.

I am still feeling really stressed re my sister's visit. This has triggered so many negative feelings about myself. Thoughts about no one wanting to spend time with me are common. I feel whatever I do will just confirm to everyone how useless & terrible I am. I spoke to my psychologist on Tuesday but spent most of the session in tears unable to get past my negative thoughts. A session with my psychiatrist ended up the same. My sister was popular got on with everyone & never got angry when we were young so I felt inferior. I was the opposite with no one liking me & would get angry when provoked too far.

Dear Elizabeth~

I'd think just at the moment anger could be a good friend. All the things you are having difficulties with are caused by other people. There does not seem to be a lot of consideration for you in all this. Where you sister stays is up to her, if you have no room that is the end of the matter.

If your kids ask when to have time off you use that well know phrase "I don't know" followed quickly by " You better ask [insert sister's name here]".

I'm only telling you what you already know, there are all sorts of different people in the world and you are not your sister, and there is no reason why you should be like her. You likely have a distorted view of when you were younger, many people do. I suspect you would have been liked for yourself then too.

Crying at a psych is not unusual, you have a lot of frustration, grief and even anger to let go.

Croix

Thanks Croix but I think anger will make everything worse.

My kids are not making unreasonable demands on me. I want them to have the chance to spend time with their aunt so I would like to be able to let them know what the plans are so they can fit in to suit their needs. My daughter is expecting a baby while my sister is here & I want to be able to see her & help her if needed so that is an extra complication.

My brother & SIL are extremely stressed because of multiple serious family issues so I don't want to make things worse for them I am scared to express how I feel out of fear of making everything worse & damaging relationships long term. Unfortunately this is leaving me dwelling on everything & feeling worse & worse.

I ended up starting a project in the house. Advantages it takes my mind off things. Disadvantage It puts more pressure on me to finish it in the next few days as well as doing everything else I need to do. The house is a mess as I've had to pull out furniture & cupboard contents are sitting on tables waiting until I finish the new cupboard/ shelving. I'm tired because I'm pushing myself too hard which is not good for me. I'm putting off speaking to my brother to make arrangements for my sister's visit. This is my way of avoiding the issues but isn't helpful.

Dear Elizabeht~

I know the feeling, you should have seen me when I had a load of marking to do (particularly essays). I'd do everything else possible from mowing the dog to polishing the cat. Procrastination as an art form:)

Actually your way is probably more helpful than mine, at least you will end up with a new cupboard. I just had animals that frowned at me.

Croix

Hi Elizabeth, Croix and All,

Procrastination can be interesting! It is amazing how busy we can make ourselves doing nothing when something could certainly be done with all that time doing nothing.

My parents have just been here for a visit. I tried to make the most of the time even if it did mean fake smiles to help me feel better inside.

Tried to find the good in the not always so pleasant moments.

Hope you manage okay when you have your sister visiting Elizabeth.

My Mum used to make comparisons between myself and my sisters, I decided there was nothing I could do with her opinions, all I had to be concerned about were my own thoughts about me. I was not them and never could be. Me, well I am me and that is the only person I can be!

Cheers from Dools

Hi Elizabeth,

When I had my last cold I wore a face mask when with other people so I didn't share it around. I also used a lot of hand disinfectant and hand washing activity. I can understand your concern about your husband's health!

Regarding feeling like you have so much to do, could you make a list and tackle whet you think is most required and congratulate yourself for the things you have achieved.

I made a list this morning, my study has taken up more time than I expected, but at least what I have achieved today I do not have to do tomorrow!

Sorry to read your back is sore. I certainly understand that kind of pain. Do you have anything that helps with the pain? I have a wheat bag wrapped around my neck at present to help with neck and shoulder pain.

Yes, I am going to recall the happier moments of Mum and Dad's visit and have a laugh over the bits that did not go so well at the time. In the scheme of things, no disasters happened so I have that to be thankful for.

Wishing you well with your health, hoping the back pain disperses, the cold disappears and you find ways to deal with all the things you are needing to do.

Cheers from Dools

Maybe I should get a face mask & use more hand sanitiser at home. I normally have a list of jobs to do but at the moment I'm just doing the essential things so the list is not moving. I can't afford to let this cold linger any longer. My sister arrives tomorrow & there are so many family activities I need to attend. Plus my daughter is expecting a baby in 10 days time. My back seems a bit better. Once the cold clears I need to get back to exercising to strengthen my back so I don't injure it further. I'm trying to drink more to flush the virus out & taking extra vitamins.

I hope your study goes OK. Are you finding it interesting or just a chore.I need to go to bed except I find lying down hard as my nose blocks up!!!.

Hi Elizabeth,

Have you tried honey and lemon drinks? I found that helped my cold. Yes it is a bother when you try to lay down and your nose just blocks up! My colds often go to my chest. Hopefully your cold will rack off soon!

All the best with having your sister there. I have realised that even though I found having my parents here a little stressful, the changes in my usual day and the routines they have, actually helped me out of my horrid depressive period I was in.

I had to focus on them and their needs, especially so when Dad needed me to take him to the hospital and they needed feeding and entertaining.

Hopefully you will not feel too overwhelmed, but in a way will feel energised as I have found myself to be since their departure!

My study is titled "Aged Care" but so far 90 percent of it has dealt with health care services for children and youth! Some of it I am enjoying, the legalistic side with all the legislation, political correctness, ethics and self determinations have done my head in a little. Ha. Ha.

I don't usually ask questions and go into issues in depth, I just accept what I see at face value, so this is testing me to look deeper.

Hope you have an okay kind of day Elizabeth and don't feel like you are chasing your tail all of the time!

Cheers from Dools

Dear Elizabeth,

You just take as much time as you need! Sending you all the best wishes you can handle right now and hoping you soon feel a little better.

My husband joined me in a walk today in a National Park. We saw lots of lovely parrots ( at least I think they were parrots) about 20 kangaroos and an echidna. The sun was shining and the breeze was only slight. It was cool in the shadows as it was only about 12 degrees.

When I arrived at Church this morning it was only 2 degrees. I had forgotten my jacket and froze in Church as we only have 4 wall mounted bar heaters you have to sit directly under to get any heat from them.

Most people in the Church wear layers of clothes, over coats, scarves, gloves and some of the ladies wear hats! There are some knee rugs as well, but they ran out this morning. I was so cold my teeth were chattering and I thought my toes would be frost bitten! My whole body was chilled. I won't be forgetting my jacket next week!

Hope you are managing to keep warm if it is cold in your neck of the woods.

Cheers to you, and hear from you when you are capable! All the best, cheers from Dools

Thanks Dools. I'm glad your family visit helped your depression but giving you something to focus on.

I thought my cold was improving but today I've been really stuffed up. I didn't sleep well but had to get up early to drop my son at work. He stayed the night as it was too far to travel from his home. I then had to babysit my grandson although he was well behaved. I took my sisters family out. It was a good day except for feeling tired & having to drive too much.

I don't know what is happening the rest of the week as my brother hasn't confirmed anything. I find that frustrating as my sister expects me to be available to do things with her so I can't just do as I please until I know for sure what my brother has planned!!!

Hi Elizabeth,

Sometimes it is the not knowing that can do our heads in. If I have routine and I feel in control I do better!

Life's normality can go out the window when we have to factor in other people.

My suggestion is to just try and let it all be as it will be. I know how much I get my self in a twisted mess trying to work out what is going on when others are involved.

Otherwise even breakfast can become an ordeal, in our place with my parents here anyway. What bowl should I use, your father isn't ready for his breakfast yet, that is not the right sized glass that I want, where do I sit, I don't want my cup of tea now, I will have it later.

I either took it all on board or tried to let it slide! Ha. Ha.

Wishing you well Elizabeth! Cheers from Dools

I think the problem is in my head. I am so busy trying to fit in with everyone else that it is just reinforcing my lack of self worth. I think no one wants to spend time with me so I will only go to my brothers to see my sister when I'm directly invited but then I'm worried that I'm showing how bad I am because I'm not doing enough with her!!!

I ended up in tears on Sunday when she wanted photos taken after church. Everyone telling me to smile when I never smile in photos because my teeth look so ugly. Photos just make me feel really ugly.

I know after my sister leaves I will be left with regret because I won't get chance to spend time with her/ In large groups I feel invisible & like I don't belong. I just wish I knew how to change my thinking so I didn't make things worse

Dear Elizabeth~

I suspect you are right, always being mindful of others can be a recipe for thinking yourself less worthy. It's not true of course, you do an awful lot and from reading your posts over time it's pretty obvious your reasons for helping are out of care and concern, not being subservient. From minding a grandchild to ensuring your husband's welfare -and fretting over an unreasonable DIL.

I'm sure you will have thought of this but will mention it anyway, is it possible to invite your sister to be with you for a cuppa somewhere, just the two of you ?

I remember losing a front tooth and emulating a hayseed out of a cartoon, I tried hard to keep a straight face too. Family photos are special, for most the polished looks of the person is not that important, there is simply a glow from seeing someone you love.

Croix

Hi Elizabeth,

I was going to mention the same thing Croix did, is it possible for you and your sister to have some time alone together? Even if it is a couple of hours, that would be a special time for you.

My husband is able to give a lovely smile without showing his teeth at all. I too know what it is to feel self conscious about your looks. I had really bad teeth, thankfully I was able to do something about them due to a payment from a car accident...not that I suggest that to be a way to gain some money!

I hope you can organise some time just for you and your sister.

Cheers from Dools