Dear Quercus~

I'm ashamed to say I've run away from my offspring when faced by overwhelming noise, emotion and general mayhem, leaving it to my wife on a few occasions. When I've returned she's very graciously told me that bringing up children is a 2-person deal, and that it was ok. Hopefully I returned the favor at times. Having your father in law arrive then and be able to take them was a pretty good thing to happen.

The reason (apart from the above) I'm talking to you is I haven't as yet thanked you for your lovely picture of your garden, the birds, and taking tea with your grandparents in:

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

It always makes me pause in wonder that people going though such hard and in some cases desperate times can reach into their minds to pull out something that may be a comfort to them, but is most definitely a comfort to others.

So once again - thank you Quercus

Croix

Hi Quercus,

I think many of us have been in the same situation as you. I have locked myself away rather than hurting the kids when they were young, I have marched them to the neighbours, I even returned one to the hospital! They are little experts in pressing your buttons!

Sadly I don't have any tips for survival for you other than to utilise the resources you have around you. Just know we all hear you and care.

It's so affirming to know other parents have abandoned their children rather than lose their minds. I used to go to my bedroom. I think I have written this either here or in another post. I can tell you it was effective. My daughter told me they always knew this was the sign they had gone too far.

I always told my children if they started to fight, verbally or physically, to go outside on the grass so they would not damage the furniture or hurt themselves. I think they did not know how to take this at first, but gradually realised mother was not pleased. Sometimes it is effective to tell them to do something completely illogical. The shock of hearing such a suggestion usually stopped them mid-fight.

The other solution was to stand between the combatants and tell them what their punishment would be if they continued. No I didn't torture them, just made them tidy their rooms, wash up, or some other worthwhile chore, at least worthwhile to me. I would not listen to who had started it on the grounds that one started but the other continued.

I know this is not as successful with toddlers, though it is surprising how well they understand these basic commands. I often made them play in opposite sides of the room. After a while they would gravitate together and 'play nicely' though I never made it a condition.

Hope these comments are useful.

Mary (who loves her children, mostly)

Hi Quercus, your verey welcome I started one about a week ago, deppression is exhausting ,which as we know it is I was having a bad couple of weeks at the time but a little better now and also enjoy the bb social threads they are a nice distraction.

Best Regards Ross.

Wow everyone!

Another outpouring of support. I'm so grateful and overwhelmed. I will respond individually when I'm able.

To Mary and TA and CMF and Croix and Zeal and Ross who wrote to reassure me my feelings were ok (normal even) my heartfelt thanks. It's reassuring to know I'm not alone and not a bad Mum.

Croix: I've told you before I love that thread of yours. It is a happy place. There's a new one I wrote today which I'll try post tonight.

Ross: I found your thread. I'm so sorry you are stuck in such a hard place. Using your son to hurt you is just awful I hope you can avoid that. I'm humbled you replied while dealing with that pain.

Zeal: I appreciated you reaching out to me even if you haven't been there yourself your mindfullness ideas were helpful 😊

TA: Am thinking of you and hoping you're taking step by step out of the abyss. Your words stuck with me about protecting your kids from yourself by taking time out. I feel ashamed about this often and appreciated your honesty noone usually talks about this. Thank you!

CMF: Seriously I am going to win one day at being last on Gruffudd's thread 😊 thanks for cheering me up when I least expect the comfort.

And of course... Mary: You are so very kind. Speaking to you and reading your words to others reminds me of speaking to my Grandma (I really hope that doesn't offend you... She was the most beautiful soul I've ever known and there isn't a day I don't miss her so I mean it as a compliment). Even in your own pain it's like you have a heart full of compassion and empathy for others. How are your joints today? I hope you can find even small ways to find comfort and feel a bit better in yourself soon.

Ok no more saga for tonight if I've missed anyone I will remember and probably harrass you later. 😊

Happy to be like your grandma because I am a grandma with eight grandchildren. My grandson has lived with me since he left school and got an apprenticeship not far from where I live but a huge distance from his home. I know, that makes me very old.

Got up early this morning so I thought I would pop onto BB and chat. Now it's 6:30 am and if I want to get to church on time I had best get dressed. Do you find it difficult to get dressed some mornings? I do and then realise how much better I feel.

Mary

Hi Mary,

You're so right on that! A shower, fresh clothes (and a touch of makeup if I need armour that day) and I feel completely different 😊

I love going to church. I haven't been since my son was born. My parents refused to take us or lets us do religious instruction so I feel very out of place. But I used to lpve going with my grandparents who could explain what to do and why if I was lost.

I think it's great you opened your home to your grandson. People don't know what they're missing by not actually getting to know and speak to their grandparents. There is nothing my grandma and my nan hadn't experienced so nothing shocked them. It's a completely different relationship than with parents. Your grandson is very lucky Mary.

I hope you have a good day today Mary. I'm having a day off and going to explore plant nurseries with my sister. Can't wait 😊

Dear Quercus~

A pause in time. Nothing exists in this moment but us. A celebration of time passed and anticipation of experiences to come.

Somehow I get the feeling that you find, as I do, the task of recording can sometimes help. That was such a beautiful moment, I loved it.

When I started Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here: I had no idea what would happen, if others would find it a help, I didn't even realize that I would find a coping mechanism there writing fragments of happiness.

BTW I think Mary's grandson is lucky too

Croix

Hi Croix,

You are spot on saying the task of recording is helpful. When I'm low I can't seem to write but when I'm in a good place it's easy. So I've started jotting down happy memories when they come to me. It is helpful to have them to reflect on when I'm struggling.

Even if it was unintentional I'm thankful that you came up with this. It's very therapeutic and reminds me there is so much to look forward to and appreciate in my life... Just on the bad days I'm unable to see it!

Just warning I'm discussing abuse below so please don't read if that will upset you.

Made a huge step yesterday. Absolutely massive for me.

I spent the day with my sister and we slowly talked while driving. And I started actually talking to her. About the psychotherapy and why I need it and what I hope to change.

It took the whole day to manage to get the courage to get a single word out. Rape. As soon as I did she said my ex's name. And was quiet for a while. I asked her not to tell our parents. She nodded and said good idea cos my Dad would kill him.

And then she started talking. About her friend who lives in a situation of domestic violence and how she has been trying for years to explain to her friend that domestic violence is not just physical harm.

She knew about the wheel of power and control. I told her I get so confused because I say the r word and then immediately go to say... Oh it wasn't that awful he didn't mean to.

She told me from her point of view how she'd watched how he would manipulate me, carefully word everything until I admitted I was at fault and felt guilty. She talked about the wheel and how people like me like her friend just don't realise all the things on that wheel are being used to control them. To make them feel powerless and at fault.

I realised she was right. I remember him telling me he didn't hear me I should have spoken up. I should have pushed him away. If I had been truly upset or in pain I would have been more vocal.

It's such a relief. I've told my husband and my sister (and all of you I suppose) and it's taken me 15 years to do this. I can tell the psychiatrist. I will move on from this. Not quite sure how that's going to work. But the words are out there now.

My very dear Quercus

A huge step indeed. I am so proud of you. How wonderful you were able to communicate with your sister and get out all the crap. And more, your sister knew and supported you. So now two family members can help and support you.

Yes I know about power and control though I have no idea about the wheel you refer to. I was almost in tears when I read your words. Such a long time to hold all that pain inside and believe there was no hope, no way out.

Well it's out now and will be easier to tell your psychiatrist. Together you can go forward and do so more quickly because you have the courage to tell your story. I expect there will be more sorrow as you work through this but not as hurtful. I'm ringing all the bells for you and flying the flag. Fantastic.

I am definitely sending a huge hug to you.

Mary

Dear Quercus,

What a huge step, i am so proud and happy for you.

I hope this i will start a process of you finding peace.

cmf x

Thanks Mary 😊

I'm not sure how I feel. This morning I felt relief. I felt relief when I posted my comment. And now I'm not sure. I keep thinking I'm glad hubby and my sister know. But the stuff I wrote I feel awful putting that out for people to read. I know you said the chance of people recognising you here is slim. But putting it in words and re reading it was hard.

Back to wondering if I am overreacting. Doubting. I'm glad I took time off work I suspect I will just fall apart once I talk to the psychiatrist on Wednesday.

I think it will help me. Help me with improving my self esteem and self worth. I'm sick of seeing myself as pathetic.

Sorry enough about me.

How are you today Mary?

Hi Ross,

Thank you for your reply. I've managed to tie my thoughts up in knots so your reply was really helpful.

I'm grateful for you reminding me there might be someone out there reading this today (or one day) who this helps. That is worth the confusion and inner debate.

I will get to your thread Ross! Haven't forgotten you 😊

Dear Quercus~

Your sister sounds lovely.

I think you will find that a couple you love understanding you better will really help. Not being gagged as you have been is such a release.

Your thread name is exactly right you know:

feeling-well-enough-at-last-to-find-my-voice-again

No need for me to say anything at the moment

Croix

Hi Quercus. Undo those knots immediately , because yesterday you took the biggest step of all ,so any others are baby steps and a piece of cake ,and yes there are people out there, including me who have taken a small slice of your immense courage , which it was by the way, so proud of you and I think all who know you and of your struggle would be too.So treatyourself to anything nice and put on the earmuffs for a while ,it's your turn for a bit, and I saw you in my thread I just have had a bit if a day of it today But I will tag you back later when I have gathered myself a bit thank you so much I appreciate it very much . Catch you soon ,Ross.

Hi Croix,

Just reading through Quercus's post as it is something I can relate too also except in my case I fine I can write better when I'm feeling crap- my outlet I guess, During the really bad days it was my way of staying sane- get it out on paper or laptop and start again. I enjoy reading your 'Store your happy memories here' I just wish I could contribute- having trouble recalling genuine happy memories that weren't tainted with the other kind of memories. Sorry didn't mean to be such a downer or hijack Quercus's post

Take Care

Stressless

Dear Stressless (with a wave to Quercus)~

I made that thread with the intention that everybody could read it and get a moment's respite away from their black times, to remind them that there were good times out there too.

There was never any pressure on anybody at all to contribute, just read if they felt like it. So don't feel that you should write - as I said a few posts ago I did not know what would happen when I made it. I hoped some others would post, and that wish has come true - it's great.

There are many in the forum who keep a journal in which they write all experiences, memories and feelings that are a horrible part of their lives, so you are not alone.

Actually I'm still learning about my self and think I might follow that example and try to keep one too, I've no idea how I'll go, but if it helps you and others it might help me - dunno

Take care of yourself Stressless, I'm glad you posted

Croix

Hi Stressless,

The more the merrier in this thread! Everyone is welcome here!

I'm glad to hear you enjoy Croix's thread too. I think it's great that you can journal when you feel down. It's such a good feeling to get it out any way you can.

I'll have to search for your thread and drop by 😊

Take care of yourself and hijack to your heart's content.

Quercus - congratulations on having the courage not only to put the words in writing, but also speak with your sister.

When my girls were going through puberty (and other troubles!) car journeys were so cathartic - they were the safety zone when questions could be asked and answered, when one's attention was tuned to the road and so eye contact was impossible - that's where conversations were easiest. I can therefore understand how the car journey was able to become your confessional, how it was able to help you have that conversation. I'm sorry that happened to you, but I am so pleased you were finally able to have this conversation.

Hey Stressless - I have a journal entitled "the good, the bad and the ugly". My psychologist suggested I start it a few years back when I found I couldn't speak to those close to me. I am now up to my third volume, and it has saved me many a time. Just putting my words and feelings and fears into words is so releasing. I can tell the journal all the things I never have the courage to tell others. I'm not sure there is much of the "good" in there, just lots of "bad and ugly"!

Stressless, I started a thread a few weeks back called "when you were last truly happy" because I too couldn't recall a single happy memory. Since then, things have improved, and I have contributed to Croix's "happy" thread a few times. I believe one needs happiness to recall true happiness, and so contribute in those brief moments when life is travelling well.

And finally, dear Croix - good luck with the journalling. It seems to suit some and not others. Give it a go, and let us know!

TA

Hi Abyss,

Thanks for your comments and I'm glad you can relate to the need to journal these difficult times- mine too has given me much needed release.

I will be looking at your thread for sure

Take Care

Stressless

Hi TA,

Thanks for your reply. Yeah there is a lot to be said for no eye contact. My confessions always seem to be at the sink washing dishes, in the car and recently online (no eye contact there). I suspect that's why the psychotherapy involves the psychiatrist staying out of your line of sight.

I'm humbled that you took the time to write. I saw your return to work went ok. You've got enough on your plate as it is let alone supporting me. How are you feeling? Any progress on your assignment? Last year of study is always hard just think you're almost there! Take care of yourself ok. I'm thinking of you.

I'm worried today. Not for myself.

For you Mary. And you Croix. And you Stressless.

I feel like I've brought you all down. Talked about things that might upset you. Butted into your conversation on Stressless' thread and just brought stress and worry with me. And brought you all down.

I learnt a little bit more of your story Mary. Does my thread bring up triggers for you? I feel like I should have asked earlier to all of you are there any topics I should avoid like the plague?

I don't need a reply am just putting the words out there. That I care about how you all feel. That I'm sorry if I upset you. That I admire you all (and TA and CMF and pretty much everyone that I've spoken to).

I've got to go. My friend called she is in the depth of the baby blues. So time to get chocolate cake and tea bags and go give some TLC. Wish I could bring you all cake and cuppa too. Virtual TLC to you all.

Quercus

I thought I took too many of the problems of others on board but you have beaten me in that respect. THERE IS NOTHING TO BE WORRIED ABOUT. YOU ARE NOT BRINGING ANYONE DOWN. Butting into someone's thread is what is supposed to happen. We do not have exclusive dibs on anyone or any thread.

I read your last two entries on Stressless' thread and her replies. Once again I am so proud of you. You never fail to amaze me with your courage and determination. No wonder your husband loves you. Those conversations with him must have been so hard to start and then to continue and open yourself to all the horribleness of the past. You can now rest assured that your husband does not doubt you or want to get rid of you. He's fantastic too.

Please do not worry about upsetting anyone here. We are all so happy you have made such incredible progress. Yes your previous experiences were horrid and we do understand them or have experienced some of them. But no one can be distressed by your story. Not much point of being here if we run away all the time. No need to avoid any thing.

And look at you. A friend is in trouble and you are off straight away to help. As I said before, you are one amazing woman. Thanks for TLC and the same to you.

Mary

Hello Quercus

I have just recommended your thread and the last couple of posts on Stressless' thread to Fiasco. She is in a similar position to you and I think it may help her to know she is not alone.

Mary

Ah Mary and Croix!

And this is why you're community champions. You have the experience and the words at the exact time they are needed. Thank you.

Croix you said...

It is no use just saying all the good stuff, the bad stuff has to be there too. When somebody struggles we relate and see ourselves, when someone gets though the bad stuff we all win

You're right. It is a good feeling to read a thread and think I could have written that. And then see how they cope. What they did. What others said. You're right.

And Mary you have such insight. Through you I've found Stressless and Fiasco and can see elements of my story and similarities in both (Hi Stressless and Fiasco don't worry I'll harrass you both soon no doubt 😊).

Thank you both. Psychotherapy is tomorrow so I'm a bit shaken up to be expected I suppose. Also the compliments saying I'm brave and strong have thrown me a lot. I know I should say thank you and accept the compliment so I'll just leave it at that.

Take care of yourselves and I'll write more when I can.

My friend is ok by the way...she didn't expect the emotions you can get with breastfeeding and let down. I hated breastfeeding bleh. 2 years of crying every time you feed the baby. No one warns you about that. Stupid hormones 😊

Hi Fiasco!

Welcome 😊 I just posted a saga on your thread. Hope it doesn't scare you off!

Oh the can of worms! Some days I wish I'd left it closed up tight. And then I think stuff that! This is my life. And noone but me is going to decide my present and future (I can't change the past).

So the can of worms is getting tipped out. Then I'll spread the worms out and dig them into my garden so they can finally do some bloody good for a change.

Yep sounds a bit mental. I considered saying I'd stomp on the worms but I'm a gardener so the idea of squishing a worm repels me 😊

Anyway you're not alone and I appreciate you coming to talk Fiasco.