Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / Long term support over the journey / I'm really trying to feel better about myself

Topic: I'm really trying to feel better about myself

  1. Music_Freak
    Music_Freak avatar
    3263 posts
    23 July 2016

    I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

    I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

    My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

    My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

    I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

    I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

    3 people found this helpful
  2. Kazzl
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Kazzl avatar
    1873 posts
    23 July 2016 in reply to Music_Freak

    Hi Music, you sound really down hun. May I give you a cyber hug? And you know what? You are very much definitely by no means no way worthless. You are a kind and caring person - and there's no point trying to argue with me on that because I have seen you posting around the traps here and I know it to be a fact. Your post on my drinking thread meant a lot to me, thank you.

    I'm sorry you miss your dear mum. I understand, I miss mine too. Grief doesn't have a time limit eh? Sometimes it just hits us years later. As for your dad's comment about her being bent, well, so what if she was? I'm bipolar too, and yes, sometimes I'm a bit bent (I prefer unhinged), that doesn't make us bad people. If anything we care too much. I bet she loved and cared for you more than you can know. Keep her in your heart, remember the good things, they never leave us.

    You sound lonely hun. Do you have any interests outside the home? Something that can give you a different focus other than your family? What do you like to do, or what have you done i the past? Sometimes when we're down we forget that there is pleasure in the world, fun things. Or we lose interest in things we used to enjoy. Perhaps it's time to look for something? By your name I gather you're into music - so am I. I'd like to hear more about your musical interests.

    I think it could be time to try your psych again - and perhaps tell them that their comment about your Instagram account was hurtful. I don't know the details of course but it sounds like it's a hobby. Maybe no different to running an account for a sport or any other hobby.

    Hope you come back for a chat hun.

    Very best wishes to you

    Kaz

    5 people found this helpful
  3. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    23 July 2016 in reply to Music_Freak

    Hi Narelle,

    I am so sorry that you are feeling so low right now. I cant even offer you any useful advise, as I think our Kaz has covered the things I would have suggested in her reply.

    But I would like to add that I have loved the interactions we have had when we've met on the Social Zone as well as on the Pet thread since you joined us relatively recently. You have become a very valued member of this community and you have helped many of us here, just by being there and simply being you. Dont ever let your illness deceive you into thinking that you're worthless. I'm only sorry that your family members have treated you in a way that seems to enforce this thinking in you. Its not true Narelle.

    Perhaps you can go back to that thread and post another story about your Buddy? Plus its nice to read all the other stories there at the same time.

    So although I am not able to offer constructive advice right now, I really just wanted to let you know that I support you and I care for you. I am here should you ever need someone to talk to.

    I hope today will become better for you as the day wears on. Take comfort in having Buddy by your side, and your BB friends in your corner.

    Kind thoughts and a big hug to you.

    Sherie xx

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    23 July 2016 in reply to Missing user

    Oops, just checked my post and it doesnt quite make sense.

    Para 3 above - The thread I am referring to is the Pet Thread in the Staying Well section. Sorry about that.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Music_Freak
    Music_Freak avatar
    3263 posts
    24 July 2016 in reply to Missing user

    Thank you so much Kaz and Sherie, your replies mean everything today. They bought tears to my eyes :)

    I will try and take it easy today, and hopefully Buddy will curl up next to me in bed at some point. Yep, I'm staying in bed today, it's freezing and I'm not going out until tomorrow to get my phone fixed. I do miss my mum, I might have a little quiet cry today, get stuff out of my system for tomorrow

    Yeah, the instagram account is a hobby, the person it's for follows it and comments every so often. I enjoy it :) I've wanted to post about it, but I wonder how difficult that would be anonymity wise

    I don't play any instruments or anything, just listen and enjoy it. A couple of bands are basically my life, since I don't have much else.

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Kazzl
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Kazzl avatar
    1873 posts
    24 July 2016 in reply to Music_Freak

    Hiya Narelle (what a pretty name), sounds like a good plan for today hun. The odd day in bed (doona day!) helps me when I'm down. I usually have my two little dogs with me - hope Buddy joins you.

    I'd like to hear more about your favourite bands when you're ready.

    Rest easy hun.

    xx

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Music_Freak
    Music_Freak avatar
    3263 posts
    24 July 2016 in reply to Kazzl

    You probably haven't heard of them Kaz....Sixx:A.M. and Halestorm are the main two. I like True Violet too.

    I met Halestorm when they came to Australia last year, they were awesome. Sixx:A.M. are meant to be coming to Australia one day. I was planning on seeing them with one of my friends (online, it's all I have), but I doubt that will happen now. I've just left the facebook group the friends run. They don't seem to care about me, since I've been left in the too hard/ignore pile...

    Not sure what will happen now, they say they "need time" but I've had this happen before, too many times...

  8. Amanda 1956
    Amanda 1956 avatar
    10 posts
    24 July 2016 in reply to Music_Freak

    Hello in reply to your thread ,you are not playing the victim like a member of your family told you.you have a genuine illness that can't be seen but believe me it is there.

    You are NOT worthless .you are a person who needs support not someone who should be invisible. Would they be quick to condemn you if you had cancer? If so I swear they are low.

    I hope you get all the support from people who actually CARE about you

    Please stay in touch and good luck xxxx Amanda

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Lost Girl
    Lost Girl  avatar
    2696 posts
    24 July 2016 in reply to Amanda 1956

    Hi Narelle,

    You have made a difference to people just being here. You are valued. I know you're feeling down right now and it's normal to miss your Mum. I miss mine everyday and more so when I feel down. I bet your Mum would have wanted you to keep positive and find hope.

    What about looking into some online courses you may be interested in? Something new?

    Do you have to keep living with your Dad? If he is being such a negative influence perhaps it is time to be independent of him. Perhaps he can go live with your sister?

    Kind thoughts,

    Carol

  10. Music_Freak
    Music_Freak avatar
    3263 posts
    24 July 2016 in reply to Lost Girl

    It's live with my dad or alone, and without a job, alone is difficult...I always expected that I'd have a job at 36, but that seems extremely unlikely to ever happen. I never wanted to live my entire life on Centrelink benefits - that is no life!

    It's just something else that makes me worthless...I can't even get a job - voluntary work is hard for me to get. I'm pathetic

  11. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    24 July 2016 in reply to Music_Freak

    You're not pathetic Narelle! Have you forgotten how you personally found yourself the voluntary admin office work? Thats not pathetic or worthless. You had the fortitude and desire to get out there and find something suitable for yourself. And you're doing an MYOB course which will help you to get a job in an area that you have a specific interest in. Dont write off these achievements as pathetic, they are worthy of congratulations. So I say ... well done Narelle! Now you just need to continue to work hard with your MYOB course and do everything in your power to overcome your mental illness hurdles. You're strong, you're capable, you're worthy of respect. You can do this.

    Sherie xx

  12. Lost Girl
    Lost Girl  avatar
    2696 posts
    24 July 2016 in reply to Missing user

    Hi Narelle,

    Not pathetic at all lovely. I was just worried about how he treats you. There's nothing wrong with living with a parent. I do think you should set some guidelines with him if he speaks like that to you though. Explain how hurtful it is and tell him it's unacceptable.

    * Hugs *

    I am on a disability insurance payment. These payments are there for valid reasons. You shouldn't see yourself as less because of it. Think of it this way, the government has criteria for eligibility for it. If you qualify it means you are worthy of the benefit.

    I didn't realise you are doing the MYOB course, that's great. While you can't get a job right now, you are helping people here online, that's valuable work.

    Perhaps you can also find another online course or tutorials for a hobby that you might enjoy. Is there anything else you might like, craft or art or writing, models or cooking, etc. Pinterest is a great tool for finding lots of things. If you think of something let me know and I will help you find stuff. That's what friends are for right?

    You're not alone anymore lovely.

    Carol xx

  13. Music_Freak
    Music_Freak avatar
    3263 posts
    24 July 2016 in reply to Lost Girl

    Sherie, you are too kind to me...I'm sitting here wondering if I even deserve it. I know I shouldn't think like that, but I do.

    Thank you too, Carol, I appreciate your reply. I write fiction (with band members as characters, it's called fan fiction) and have thought about courses, but am financially strapped this year, maybe it can be my new years resolution. I'm not sure what else, cooking and photography, as well as sewing are possibilities, I guess. I'll think about what I'm interested in and try and afford it.

    I may try and lose some weight too, it may give my confidence a boost...maybe. It's hard to boost something that isn't there.

    I no longer talk to my dad and sister, I find that there is no point when they see me as they do. Their behaviour just makes me miss my mum though, she'd never do or allow what they get away with.

    2 people found this helpful
  14. Lost Girl
    Lost Girl  avatar
    2696 posts
    24 July 2016 in reply to Music_Freak

    Hi lovely,

    Try looking up your interests in an internet search. If you type (your interest) followed by tutorial you will probably find lots of free ones too. I look them up for crochet, for my son for his guitar, balloon tying, craft, you name it and they are all free! You will definitely find cooking and sewing ones.

    I have put on 30kg since I became ill. I am on a weight loss journey through lite n easy. However you can do it yourself using myfitnesspal to track calories to 1200 a day. There is a thread called "Encouragement for weight loss and healthy eating" in the Staying Well section. There are some great ideas on there.

    You deserve all the kind comments Narelle. You are a lovely person having a rough time. Having people say horrid things would make anyone feel down but it says more about them than you.

    You are worthy, keep saying it until it becomes easier.

    Carol xx

  15. Music_Freak
    Music_Freak avatar
    3263 posts
    26 July 2016 in reply to Lost Girl

    Having a bad day today... I feel like on the verge of tears, but nothing comes out, it's quite weird. I know it's a rough day because my new phone arrived today and I've barely touched it.

    I have to take Buddy to the vet tomorrow and I know already that I will have to drag myself out of bed in the morning. I hate this :(

  16. Lost Girl
    Lost Girl  avatar
    2696 posts
    26 July 2016 in reply to Music_Freak

    Hi Narelle,

    Sorry to hear you're having a bad day. Do you take any medication to help with how you feel? When is your next appointment with your GP or psych?

    I saw you joined the bookclub, that should be good.

    Buddy must be a great companion.

    Carol xx

  17. Music_Freak
    Music_Freak avatar
    3263 posts
    26 July 2016 in reply to Lost Girl

    I haven't made appointments yet, but I went to my GP last week, they encouraged me to go back to my psychologist. I'm going to ring next week. I want to dedicate some time to my stupid MYOB course (I wish I'd never started it, really).

    Buddy's not too bad at the vet's, he doesn't hiss or scratch. I'm glad I'm walking, even if it's meant to be raining a little, Buddy won't get stressed

  18. Lost Girl
    Lost Girl  avatar
    2696 posts
    26 July 2016 in reply to Music_Freak

    Good news about Buddy, I hope that makes tomorrow easier.

    The course sounds like a great skill to have. When we feel down it shades our thinking too just remember that. Everything seems harder.

    I hope you get in to see your psych soon. The sooner you get some help the sooner you can start to feel more like yourself.

  19. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    7382 posts
    26 July 2016 in reply to Music_Freak

    Hi there dear Narelle

    Hugs to you, if you would care for one.

    You topic heading sounds extremely familiar to me, because last year I had a heading almost the same. So I can relate Narelle what the feeling of "worthless" actually feels like. For me it was like I felt I didn't matter to anyone. I felt like I had no value, no real purpose on this earth. Like why am I here, or even exist. So is that how you feel?

    But the truth is you, me and everyone else, well......we are of high value and very rare. Because we are unique, there is only one Narelle on this whole earth. Depression just tells us big fat lies implying we are worthless, in a very sneaky like way. And before we know it, we believe the lies. And because we believe it, we then start to feel it or something like that. Hope that doesn't sound like a lecture?? It is what I have experienced anyway.

    You are of high value dear Narelle. I hope you feel better soon.I may just keep calling you precious, until hopefully you will believe it and know within your very soul that it is true.

    OK bye precious one.

    Love

    Shell xxx

    PS Can you give Buddy a pat from me, will he accept it? I know that you love him, which is just great.

  20. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    26 July 2016 in reply to Music_Freak

    Morning Narelle. I was just thinking of you when I woke up to a glorious morning here.

    I hope the weather is also good where you are? Enjoy the walk. Be good Buddy, this is for your own good boy.

    I look forward to hearing from you afterwards. Perhaps post a reply on the Pet thread and tell us about how brave Buddy was for his vet visit for his innoculations? Ha ha. Is this a vet you've had him to before?

    Dont give up on your MYOB course Narelle. It is a very useful skill to have and is the most widely used accounting package used by small business. It will definitely be of use to you in getting work in the area in which you seek. I have used MYOB for several jobs I've had in the past, its a great package. I have also used several other accounting software packages, but they are not as user friendly as what MYOB is.

    I hope you have a good day today ........

    Sherie xx

  21. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    7382 posts
    27 July 2016 in reply to Music_Freak

    Hi Narelle

    Thinking of you just now and wondering how you are today?How did you go with taking Buddy to the vet?

    I agree with Sherie, keep going with the MYOB course.

    I hope it was OK about me going on about being precious and such, I feel silly now. The truth is I personally have trouble believing it about myself. And I do struggle with the feeling of worthlessness.

    Anyway I do hope you are starting to feel better. Hugs if you would like one.

    Shell xx

  22. Music_Freak
    Music_Freak avatar
    3263 posts
    27 July 2016 in reply to Shelll

    Don't feel silly Shell, it's kind of reassuring that you can relate to how I feel :)

    The vet went OK, I posted about it in the pets thread...it was a little adventure

    I'm going to finish the MYOB course, even if it feels hopeless, it's something else for the CV.

    I'm feeling a bit exhausted lately, like everything's beaten me and I'm not sure how to get back on track right now

  23. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    7382 posts
    27 July 2016 in reply to Music_Freak

    Thanks heaps for your reassuring words to me Narelle. It has helped me not feel so silly:-)

    Sorry you feel exhausted, emotional overload stuff, over thinking, eating junk, lack of sleep, no exercise, stress, crying and deep sadness makes me feel exhausted. Can you relate to that at all? If so you are not alone. Maybe you could work on one area at a time or something. Eg....make sure you eat properly. Though you are walking, which is a good thing. Hope you are able to get some energy and get back on track anyway.

    OK I am off to the pet thread, to read your adventure with Buddy going to the vet.

    Love

    Shell xx

  24. Music_Freak
    Music_Freak avatar
    3263 posts
    28 July 2016 in reply to Shelll

    That's the story of my life Shell. Totally accurate..

    I'm spending today in bed in front of the TV and might tackle some MYOB tomorrow

    That's all I can think of right now...back to baby steps

  25. Lost Girl
    Lost Girl  avatar
    2696 posts
    28 July 2016 in reply to Music_Freak

    Hi Narelle,

    Are you watching anything good on tv?

    Carol xx

  26. Music_Freak
    Music_Freak avatar
    3263 posts
    28 July 2016 in reply to Lost Girl

    Switching between Judging Amy and Dr Phil...the latter is always a bit of a yawn fest, so I'm paying more attention to Buddy. I do find his voice kind of relaxing though

    Just trying to not think too much right at the moment

  27. Music_Freak
    Music_Freak avatar
    3263 posts
    28 July 2016 in reply to Music_Freak
    Watching Medium now...finally a show I like :)
  28. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    28 July 2016 in reply to Music_Freak

    Hi Narelle. Just popping by to let you know that I am thinking of you and Buddy.

    I quite like that TV show, Medium, as well. Glad you finally found something you like. I'm lucky, I have Foxtel so there are a few more choices there. Although with all the new digital channels on free to air, its really very good compared to what it used to be.

    Hope your day improves as it wears on. Please give Bud a gentle stroke from me.

    Sherie xx

  29. Lost Girl
    Lost Girl  avatar
    2696 posts
    28 July 2016 in reply to Missing user

    Hi there,

    Medium is a good show. I quite like Judging Amy too.

    I hope you feel better for the rest.

    I'm watching a show full of aliens called Falling Skies which you would think would keep me awake but alas I keep dozing so I think I shall have a nap.

  30. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    7382 posts
    28 July 2016 in reply to Music_Freak

    Hi Narelle, totally agree with taking baby steps. I least you are heading in the right direction. That has to be a good thing.

    And do you have TAFE or uni qualifications in regards to the admin stuff?

    Shell xx

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up