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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

Topic: I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

  1. Lee lee 73
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    7 August 2018

    I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

    I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

    I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

    Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. james1
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    8 August 2018 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Hello Lee lee 73,

    I'm sad to hear that you feel like a nobody. It sounds like you feel really really alone and have felt like this for a very long time.

    Loneliness really is one of the hardest things and sometimes people can forget just how much it hurts until they really experience it. People will say, "oh just go and meet some people," but they don't know just how hard it really is when you don't even know how because you haven't really made new friends in a long time.

    You have mentioned your therapy sessions - I wonder, are you able to share some of the strategies you have worked on with them and how those strategies have gone for you?

    James

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  3. Doolhof
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    8 August 2018 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Hi Lee lee,

    Welcome to the community here! I'm really sorry to read you are struggling so much with a sense of loneliness and also with the suicidal thoughts.

    Trying to change our thoughts from the negative to something more positive and useful is probably something you have been hearing for a long time! It is not always easy to do is it when you are feeling so depressingly low!

    Are there some things that you do enjoy? Can you think of just one thing that might make a slight difference to how you are feeling?

    Loneliness can feel overwhelming. Do you feel any comfort at all in just being with other people even if they are strangers or does that make you feel worse?

    There have been times when I have gone to the shops just so I am with people.

    Like James has mentioned, is there anything that has helped you in the past that you might be able to incorporate into your life now?

    If you are feeling suicidal, is it possible for you to spend some time in a hospital or a ward to have a bit of a break and some rest?

    If you don't feel like answering or responding to any of these suggestions it is okay. Hopefully you will feel welcome here.

    Knowing that people understand in a way, that they validate what you are saying and acknowledge your struggle may help you a little.

    Kind regards, from Dools

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  4. Lee lee 73
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    8 August 2018 in reply to james1

    Hi James,

    Thanks for your reply.

    I do know how and do put myself out there to meet people and friends. I just don't fit in and seem to not have anything in common with people.

    In regards to strategies - you sound just like my psychologist. I'm sorry but I'm done with trying to put them in place.

    I truly appreciate your reply James.

    Lee

  5. Lee lee 73
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    8 August 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Thanks for your reply Doolhof and for caring.

    Lee

  6. james1
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    8 August 2018 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Hello Lee,

    Thank you for replying to me.

    It sounds like you're not really looking for help on what to do.

    That is okay. I understand it can be exhausting trying this strategy or that strategy, especially when they don't seem to work.

    Was there something else you wanted to talk to us about? What kind of hobbies do you enjoy?

  7. Ggrand
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    8 August 2018 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Hello Lee lee,

    Im really sorry your struggling so much..

    I can relate to your daily thoughts suicide, I went through a long period of time feeling like it was the best option. Lived 24/7 inside my head, and still do for periods of time...

    I can hear your deep hurt in your words.. I would so much like to offer you my shoulder to cry on, my ear to listen to you with my arms open in friendship and my heart opened in care and compassion if you will allow me to....Your are very important Lee lee, you are definitely not a nobody, your words are from your heart, your words have touched my soul...I would so much like to get to know you better if you want to and would also like to be a friend to you as well...

    Kind and caring thoughts..

    Grandy...xxx...

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  8. Lee lee 73
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    8 August 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Hi Dools,

    My psychiatrist has recently offered hospitalisation numerous times. I keep declining for various reasons mainly, being in hospital doesn’t stop the suicidal thoughts and I come back home to an empty house and it starts all over again.

    I'm beginning a clinical trial treatment onSuicidality next Thursday - (tomorrow is my assessment). This is keeping me going for now, I guess.

    Lee

  9. Lee lee 73
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    8 August 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Hello Grandy,

    Thank you so much for your kind and caring thoughts. I'm lost for words. ..... thank you. 💜.

    It would be cool to stay connected. Xx

    Lee

  10. Lee lee 73
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    8 August 2018 in reply to Ggrand
    P.S ...so sorry you go through and have the same thoughts!
  11. monkey_magic
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    8 August 2018 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Hi Lee Lee 73 & welcome to BB,

    Sometimes we don't get what we need from other human beings so I'm wondering if u have any pets or thought of getting any? They can be the best loving companions.

    Even spending time around animals can bring a lot of comfort.

    I think a lot of people don't like living inside their heads. In your case I think it would be essential you do things for distraction so the thoughts don't win.

    Are you into exercise at all, or any other hobbies?

    Is there anything on this earth u can think of that makes u happy? When I went through a depressing time I swam in the ocean repeatedly as a form of cleansing. It helped to centre me and clear unwanted thoughts. I walked a lot in that time as well.

    Hope to hear back from you :-)

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  12. Lee lee 73
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    8 August 2018 in reply to monkey_magic

    Yes monkey magic - I do have a burmese cat she is my everything. I don't disclose this fact because, in all honesty, in my experience, to most people they are 'just animals' and don't realise their importance or their importance to me.

    The beach is my happy place.

    I'm 45yrs of age, distractions, hobbies, travelling, eating, decision making, 'treating myself 'to crap, watching tv programs - this all doesn’t cut it anymore. I'm sick of having to amuse my loser self. There's no acknowledgement comfort, mutual returned love etc in it. I just exist and as a nobody.

    I do appreciate your response and comments. Xx

    Lee

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  13. Ggrand
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    8 August 2018 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Hello Lee,

    I have a psychiatrist appointment today, I hate going out other then a Tuesday, so he makes it on Thursday to get me out...He flys down from Sydney, I live in a tiny rural town..

    My psych has been trying to get me to go into a mental health hostel for a while to learn to live, socialise, make decisions etc..Same, when I get back here, It's just me again...and thoughts, sadness etc...Im on BB a lot, it's where my friends are now...

    I don't trust people so I stay inside my home as much as I can...Although another trick was I have to volunteer every Tuesday and report to my job supplier before I attend my job..or my benifets are taken away....mind you I'm not young..over 60 but still a few years until pension age...

    I do try distraction when I'm really having unhealthy thoughts by coming here and talking to people on these forums...it helps me when I help others, and I have formed some really close friendships here..

    I love the beach but am over 700 kilometres from it...once I think April. I wanted to go to the beach. So I put my dogs in the car and started driving...No clothes packed, just me and my dogs, I ended up at a beach near my brother and was put into hospital because I was having a breakdown...

    My happy place is my front veranda, I have only a large acreage accross from me, I just sit there most mornings and afternoon, and just look at the mountains in the distance, clouds, birds etc...its peaceful, and since they moved the cows because of the drought, its reflects my loneliness....

    i hope you have a good day, sweetheart, and things aren't to bad for you...remember that you are somebody, your Lee lee, your a special person and there's never going to be another you...

    I have two little doggies, who I love with everything I have inside of me...many a time they kept me here..They need caring for and no one will Love or care for them as I do...

    Sending you some love 💜 and big hugs 🤗 lovely lady.. and a beautiful Rose for your coffee table today...

    👼Grandy...

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  14. Lee lee 73
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    9 August 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Hello to you, lovely lady.

    How did your psych appointment go today? Grandy, you sound as lost hurt and lonely as I do - possibly way more . I'm so sorry you're struggling too. My heart goes out to you. Glad to hear you have your doggies. What is their breed and what are their names? I'm getting to the stage where I only trust and love animals tòo.

    I work in aged care, i do in home care. Its funny how some things work out - depression lead me to volunteer in aged care which lead to a recent csreer change in the industry. I do like my job thankfully in a way, there's not much work atm so I struggle to do even 3hrs. As soon as I finish I'm in the comfort of home with my cat Iszy.

    What does/did your volunteer work involve. ?

    I had a draining day today as I had a psych and med assessment for 5hrs in preparation for a clinical trial for treatment for depression - nothing ventured nothing gained i guess.

    My understanding mental health support or lack of it in rural areas is a major issue. That must make things zillion times harder .

    Grandy, your words are so touching and moving ' thank you from my heart. You're a special person too. Be kind to yourself beautiful. Sleep well and do let me know how your appointment went.

    take good care Grandy ❤💜🐶😻

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  15. Ggrand
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    9 August 2018 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Hello Lee lee,

    I really hope your day has some light shining for you...

    My Psychiatrist appointment went ok..it was mainly to get me started on new meds..I have been off the other ones for around 3 weeks..I haven't started new ones yet...I will soon, I'm not really in a hurry to start putting more chemicals into my body...

    I do a volunteer day at a Vinnies store, It's in the smaller main town...and 30 kilometres from mine....I don't like going outside, and this is a requirement for Newstart and to report to my job provider before work...

    I had payed work in a nursing home after I lost my shop..I worked in the kitchen, I lasted only 7 weeks, I was so saddened by the way the residents were treated and not looked after..I wasn't allowed to talk to them only deliver the meal tray then go....Thats not who I am....after 7 weeks, they found me in the kitchen pantry hiding because I was having a breakdown...They told me not really very nicely to not come back to work...I drove home that day and never went outside again unless it was absolutely necessary..

    I admire anyone that works and cares for the elderly..You sound like a very caring and beautiful person...The elderly people you volunteer with are very lucky to have you taking care of them...

    The lack of mental health support where I am is criminal, I now have to travel 160 kilometre round trip to see a psychologist, but I cannot do that...I'm to scared to...so I will go without counciling...

    I really hope that your feeling better then yesterday, 5 hours would be terribly draining. I hope you got some good sleep last night sweetheart..and the clinical trials for depression, well done for taking part, you might be reason that many people will benifets from and their wellness improve...im so very proud of you for doing that...You said earlier you felt like a nobody....Oh no..no..way sweetheart..your a somebody, A beautiful caring person that is trying to help people like me, with new treatments for depression, your a special type of person, because not many would agree to do what your doing..so very well done and thank you very much for doing that for us....

    Thank you very much for your kind words to me, they are so much appreciated..Please Lee you also be kind and gentle to yourself...Take some time out lovely lady for you today.

    Sending you some caring love and some special friendship hugs..🤗🤗🤗..If you like them....

    Grandy...🦋🌹💜🕊🌿

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  16. Lee lee 73
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    10 August 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Hello Grandy,

    You have been in my thoughts all day.

    I get what you mean about meds. I now hate them too. They don't work how they should and I hate what they do to the rest of our body systems.

    I bought us some flowers today.

    (I say us because I can't give them to you 🙁) They are petite yellow daffodils. Hopefully just the thought of having them will cheer you up Grandy. It breaks my heart to hear how difficult things are and have been for you.

    Sending you big warm returned hugs lovely lady 🤗🤗🤗😍🐕😻

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  17. Ggrand
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    12 August 2018 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Hello Lee,

    Thank you very much for the beautiful flowers I really do love daffodils, they remind me of the sun..I put some in a vase next on my dining table..thank you so very much.....Im really sorry I haven't been here to say hello and talk to you, I hope your doing okay sweetheart, I still haven't started to take my new meds yet..I'm in hospital atm because I forgot to take some very important heart meds, and had a few glasses of wine, and it sent my heart into a frenzy..my mhn found me at mine Friday and called an ambulance been here since..I rarely drink wine, I don't really like it but I was trying to numb my hurting..

    Once the meds got back in me my heart started regulating itself again and went back into normal beat and rhythm...I tried to walk out this morning..unsuccessfully I got caught....I hate so much hospitals, just nurses fussing over me....I dislike being fussed over so much...I think I'm stuck in here until I see the psychiatrist and or Doctor tomorrow..I know they are thinking I meant to forget my meds...

    How have you been sweetheart,what have you been doing this week end..something that makes you happy I hope.... It's looks very cold outside here today..with a strong wind blowing...I heard that it's snowing only 50 kilometres from here...Please lovely Lee, Take really good care of yourself...as much care, compassion and love you give your elderly patients please sweetheart give yourself double...

    I better go now, I think dinner comes around soon..and I've been told I have to shower this afternoon, so I'm going to do that now....

    Thank you for your very caring big warm hug..I felt it and I felt cared for thank you...I'm sending you some new fresh squishy hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗, to you with a little teddy 🐻 bear..that has a beautiful Lavender scent, to help you sleep tonight....

    Big love and hugs with Kind and caring thoughts..

    Grandy...

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  18. Lee lee 73
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    12 August 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    ....hi Grandy,

    It's me again. ...just wanted to say..please don't give up....I understand why you want to, but please don't. I have only just met you. I want to get to know you more, be your friend and be here for you.

    (side note....I posted a reply to you around 7pm this evening and it's still not there yet at10.38pm. Is it normal for it to take so long? ???)

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  19. Lee lee 73
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    13 August 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Hello Dools,

    I hope you will forgive me for being short previously.

    I'm so confused and lost Dools. I don't know what I want, what to do who to turn to or if I deserve to be listened to. In all honesty, I'm fed up with everything and because of this I know I don't deserve to be helped but I'm just so lost helpless. I wish I didn't feel anything ' i wouldn't be writing this if I didn't. I asked my psychologist if she could teach how not to be loved and because she couldn't I don't see any point in talking to her. I believe this is the only way I can go on living.

    You're right on the mark dools - all i ever wanted was acknowledgement. I do yry yo ho out but it makes everything worse - all i can see is what I DON'T have. I just exist. 😢

  20. therising
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    13 August 2018

    Hi Lee lee 73

    As a kid of the 70s, you would acknowledge how much life has changed over the years. Myself, I just scraped in being born bang on 1970. The reason I bring up the 70s thing is because it was such a sensory experience back then, with the LP records, drive-ins, running through the sprinkler in summer, etc. Not as much around these days to feed the kid in us, hey? We do need the sensory connections in order to make sense of life, otherwise life becomes a little senseless. By the way, cats are such sensational beings in regard to the feel, smell, sound and sight of them.

    I understand the challenge of making connections with people, as I'm not much of a people person myself. It's a quality not quantity thing regarding friends. The best connections are definitely the ones which involve us being able to bring out the best in people and vice versa (they can be few and far between). A connection that brings out the light in someone is something special. In your correspondence throughout here, you have definitely brought out the best in people, those that feel a connection to you. Even if you can't see your value and light, others can.

    Just a brief 'Hey there!' Lee lee, making a connection.

    Take care of yourself

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  21. Lee lee 73
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    13 August 2018 in reply to therising

    Hi ya therising,

    Thanks so much for your hello and making a connection. Means alot to me.

    You take care too !!

    Lee

  22. Ggrand
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    13 August 2018 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Hello lovely Lee..

    Im sorry Lee I haven't been around...I just got home from hospital today....I looked out for your other post but I think the internet gremlins got it.... I Want to thank you very much for your caring post...please believe me when I say I haven't forgotten or abandoned you..as you said we have only just met..and I would also love to be here for you as well...I'm holding your hand and walking beside you Lee..I hope that your journey gets easier for you...

    Love and hugs...💜🤗..lovely Lee..

    Grandy..👼.

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  23. Lee lee 73
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    13 August 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Hello beautiful Grandy,

    So so glad you are home, safe and in the comfort of home with your beautiful doggies. I bet they gave you lots of loving soppy kisses Grandy 😍. You have been in my thoughts.

    Hope you were able to sleep well lastnight (as it will be Tuesday when this gets posted).

    Oh my goodness - you have nothing to be sorry about lovely lady. You need to and should take time for yourself. You were in hospital Grandy. Please don't ever apologise - I truly get that there are days we just need to completely shut down. I do believe you when you say you would never abandon me, you would never abandon anyone lovely lady.

    I'm hoping you were treated well in hospital . I will keep this message short as I know it would have been emotionally draining. Take your time transitioning settling back home and soak up all those doggie cuddles and kisses. Take good care beautiful lady.

    .....Thank you for your loving post Grandy 💜❤ especially given your difficult time. I'm truly struggling my lovely - but it is what it is. I don't want to write much about me until you are ok 😍😘.

    sending you big warm hugs Grandy 😍🤗🤗🤗⚘🌹🌻

    Lee

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  24. Ggrand
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    13 August 2018 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Hello lovely Lee,

    Thank you for understanding, you are a very kind caring lady with a beautiful soul...

    Please sweetheart, let me know how you are feeling, travelling and how your doing with your mental health, here after all this is your thread and I feel horrible that it seems to have reversed onto me, I'm really sorry Lee..so I can offer my support, hopefully and some insight that might be able to help you, I will be here for you...

    I will be okay....I know that I have to change my mindset and I will try hard to do that...

    Please if you feel like it, and you want to, you can write as much or as little about your struggles here and we will try so very hard to help you lovely lad..

    Your Welcome to pop over to my thread ( only if you want to)'and if you feel to join in the conversation your more then welcome...and I'm sure a few of them will also pop back over here to yours and chat, support, and try to help you or just be your friend as well.....my thread name..."Alone...depressed..sad"..

    Thinking of you today...

    Love 💜 and big hugs 🤗...wishing you peace 🕊 and a better day today...

    👼Grandy....

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  25. Lee lee 73
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    13 August 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Good morning Grandy,

    You are so beautiful, thank you.

    I will write more after work . I soo don't want to face the world today , again.

    Talk soon xx 😚

  26. Ggrand
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    14 August 2018 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Good Night Lovely Leelee,

    Im just calling in to wish you a really deep refreshing sleep with peaceful dreams...I hope your day went okay....but I hope tomorrow is a lot better then today was...a beautiful rose🌹 For a beautiful person...💜

    Good Night Lovely Lee.. sending love and hugs...💜💜💜🤗🤗🤗🕊..

    Grandy..🕊👼..

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  27. Lee lee 73
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    14 August 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Good morning lovely Grandy,

    How are you this morning, did you sleep well?

    Sorry for not replying on mine yesterday. I don't want to scare you scare you off Grandy. It seems I try to open up to people on the outside when I do even just a little - I get brushed off....people need to be educated on 'what to say'.

    My heart hurts Grandy,I'm so lonely and lost and so empty. I'm tired of keeping on going - tired of having to amuse my loser self. I know I'm not doing myself any favòurs- I don't want to take my meds because nothing seems to work. I don't want to eat, i don't see the point in feeding me. I hate waking up every morning. I have no motivation to put so called therapeutic strategies in place - it's so hard to do on b your own isn't it Grandy? I don't have any reason to. I don't know what keeps me going but I dò. Of course Iszy my cat is one. I asķ her to promise me she won't leave me - so n it wouldn't be fair if I ĺeft her. I have the first actual treatment of the clinical trial tomorrow afternoon. That keeps me going.

    It's getting harder and harder to fake it when Im at work -getting tiring. I just want to stay home with Iszy all day every day.

    These are just my thoughts Grandy, i don't expect you to address them.

    I hope you have a gorgeous day Grandy. It's almost spring - are there many birds about yours?

    Sending you warm and grateful hugs Grandy (grateful that you are my friend ) 😍😍🤗🤗❤🌻

    Lee Lee

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  28. Ggrand
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    15 August 2018 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Hello Lovely Lee,

    Please don't ever apologise to me about not writing or responding on your post..I fully understand the struggles we are facing daily, and I'll be here for you you as long as I can be..🌹🌹💜🕊..


    The words you spoke made me cry, because they could have also been spoken by me, and it hurts to know that your also suffering overwhelming loneliness and depression..I truely am sorry deep in my soul for you and others who are experiencing these feelings..I don't think Nyone really knows how deep these emotions and feeling go into our soul unless they have lived alone with no friends to talk to or to give us a meaningful loving hug..

    I try to distract my thoughts when ever I can by doing things like playing internet games, like jog saws, colouring in, wood games, but they only distract as long as your doing them...Do you have a library close by that you could join for some type of group, maybe there is a walking group on your area that you can join...I know you have probably heard all these before and my suggestions are very lame.

    I wish there was something that I could say to you beautiful lady that could help you,I'm really sorry I don't have the right words for you....But Lee I do have belief that ever new day brings hope that something will change for me, and I believe that when it does I will have the faith and strength to change my life....

    Please sweetheart, please don't ever loose hope, it's in us all, but when depression is playing around with or head, it gets lost, we have to look that little bit harder to find it, and when we do, believe in yourself that things will change...please be okay

    I know it's not the same, but I'm sending you my love, and some big squishy hugs...oh I will bring out Huggly huggle hugs...she is only brought out for extremely special people who need lots of love shown to them....

    I hope your day today is better then yesterday....if each day is better then the one before, eventually we will have a good day....

    Love and hugs...💜🤗..
    Grandy..








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  29. Lee lee 73
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    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Lee lee 73 avatar
    503 posts
    15 August 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Hello lovely,

    How was your day? How are you feeling after your mhn visited?

    Grandy, reading your post made me cry too- and for the same reason. Grandy, you write so beautifully, it's easy to see your words come from the heart. Everything you say is helpful Grandy 💜. and no...no, your suggestions for distractions are not lame at all. Sometimes what we need is to be 'reminded' to do things. So thank you.

    Grandy, I also used to self medicate with alcohol to numb the pain - and drink alone. Things got worse before getting better too. I can't touch it now, I don't trust myself plus my mood was always 100% worse the next day.

    I know I will be ok because I'm aware that i was so much worse in the first few yrs. Things are more manageble now. At the end of the day, I am able to function and (eventually) perform daily duties. Two years ago I changed careers and one year ago, I moved myself and Iszy from canberra to south east Queensland. Grandy, I knew in my heart of hearts I needed the warmer weather and to be by the beach. I had always wanted to live in Queensland. My Dr's here think the move contributes to my depression but I constantly reminded them, I am so much better.

    On the flip side, in my mind all of the above can be done by anyone if they put their mind to it. But I can't make someone love me.

    I hope you sleep well tonight Grandy. How have you been sleeping anyway ? I hope tomorrow is good day for you Grandy. I wish you were my neighbour, or teacher, or work colleague. ...even my aunty. Your words touch my heart Grandy ❤🌹⚘🌻💕💞. Spring is around the corner ....for you. 🐥🐤🕊🐦

    Thank you for being you Grandy 🤗

    Love Always

    Lee

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Guest8901
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest8901 avatar
    1634 posts
    15 August 2018 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Dear Lee

    We just met on our lovely mutual friend, Grandy's thread. So I thought I'd track your thread do and say hi to you here. I hope you dont mind?

    I read that today is a big day for you, with the commencement of clinical trial this afternoon. I really hope it all goes well.

    I am also very happy to here that you have Iszy. I love cats but have a fur allergy. I do have the most gorgeous little dog though. Her name is Charli, and I really dont know what I would do without her.

    I too love the beach, and live about a half hour drive from our nearest. Similar to you, we (hubby and I) moved from the harsh climate of the Southern Tablelands to the mild climate of NSW North coast.

    Anyway I will leave it at that for now, as I expect you will be getting ready for work or preparing for todays trial. I will call in again though, if you'll have me?

    🐈 🐠🐋🐚🌴 ☀ 🌺💐

    Amanda 💕

    1 person found this helpful

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