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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

Topic: I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

  1. CMF
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    8729 posts
    10 May 2017 in reply to Zenobia

    Hi Zenobia

    Sorry for my late reply and seri g you have been struggling. I haven't caught up properley but looks like you are back in contact with him? I'm sorry this is causing you distress.

    My neices EDS is hypermobility. Has your daughter had her cardio appt yet? I do hope you have a positive outcome. It is an awful silent disease.

    Cmf x

    1 person found this helpful
  2. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    10 May 2017 in reply to Zenobia

    Zenobia

    So sorry you had a bad bad day.

    I hope you can process the information you did not want to hear.

    Many people on this thread care about you. I know when you feel able you will communicate .

    I have no wise words just that I am thinking of you.

    Take care

    quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Zenobia
    Zenobia avatar
    118 posts
    10 May 2017 in reply to geoff

    Dear Geoff, Croix and Ross,

    Thank you for your encouragement. Honestly I mean that not just saying it. I am taking it on board but not sure that there is much light..

    So on Monday, we had to work together involving more contact than just the usual 5 minutes. It was going well, just doing our jobs but shortly before I had to leave to go to other premises, we spoke for about half an hour. Well, I guess the truth is I passively aggressively told him how much I am hurting. He told me that he and his wife have genuinely come a long way now and that they are better than they have been in years and years. Apparently they are not fighting anymore, their marriage counsellor has really helped them and he said he is happy.

    That hurt phenomonally! A month ago,I was all he ever wanted. The promises he'd made, the love we had, the sharing, the plans ... now he is very happy.... I was devastated.

    How can that happen? Our affair led to his marriage being saved? I couldn't cope. I want him to feel some of my pain. My loss. My despair.

    then...

  4. Zenobia
    Zenobia avatar
    118 posts
    11 May 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Part 2 of post..

    Needless to say, I left work, took my daughter to the cardiologist, who believes her heart is fine but she does have vascular issues. She becomes breathless and her oxygen saturation drops, her heart rate slows (then speeds up really fast) so that she struggles to walk from the lounge to the bathroom, 10 metres.

    So she had to see the respiratory specialist. He has referred her to more tests...

    CMF she is waiting gentic confirmation but she has either tenascin X variety or the vascular version. Both also have hypermobility and flexibilty too so she has painful joints.

    So back to my love... On Tuesday, we worked together again. This time we were together for longer and incredibly, we were civil and almost normal. Not relationship us, but friends before the relationship us. I commented how today was much better than yesterday and he said that "yesterday had to happen so that today could happen". I guess he's right and perhaps he is understanding that complete cold cut off is not necessary.. I know I am grasping at straws and I am also totally aware of the statistics and the reality that is terribly unlikely we will be together ever again but I can't help hoping.

    You would think then that I would have been able to sleep. But after waking 3 times, my heart absolutely racing I went to work on about 3.5 to 4 hours sleep so I know that the truth is bearing down on me.

    Due to all the changes at work, tomorrow brings another day of us working together. I will try to stay away from any heavy discussion and try to keep it like yesterday. Do you think that's best?

    If I want any chance at a friendship, I guess I have to let him make that decision to let me back into his life, but hell so much of me wants to hurt him like he hurt me. I know that is not productive, I don't even believe in revenge, but a thought that screamed into my head last night was "I'm scared of my thoughts". They weren't suicidal, just anger and even hate!? That scares me because I don't want to be that person.

    Then I went through the Why me? Again...

    Anyway, I'm here tonight hoping for sleep and resilience to get through tomorrow without making things worse, for me.

    Thank you quirkywords for being there and sending out your thoughts. I did read them but couldn't talk.

    Wish me luck,

    Zenobia x

  5. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    10561 posts
    11 May 2017 in reply to Zenobia
    Dear Zenobia~
    It’s often the way, disaster happens and one struggles and tries to come to terms. This painful evolution is a terrible experience, then after one has ‘settled into’ the coping and grief the goalposts move and this not only unmasks the original situation but seems to make the recovery that has started go off the rails.

    Things do change – just as well because it means although his revelations have hurt afresh it also means there can be positive change later - with another if you are like me, or in other avenues entirely.

    It looks to me that you are a much more sensitive person than he, and he has handled this news of himself and his wife very badly – not putting things gently and with thought for your feelings. Maybe he is just too limited to do that.

    Of course you are consumed with anger and even hate at the moment, and wish him to not only appreciate the enormity of what he has done to you, but feel a large measure of the pain himself.

    Also you have that tiny seed of hope that by some miracle the two of you will be together again – you are a human being and that’s how it works.

    Consider however firstly what would happen if you did lash out at him – and knowing your abilities I’m sure it would be successful. He would suffer. I think because you are a decent caring person in time you would suffer too, regret doing it and feel yourself less worthy, less the sort of person you want and need to be.

    Secondly, suppose you did get back together, I doubt that the lovely trust you had would ever return. No real hope for an equal loving supportive partnership, always you would have at the back of your mind his betrayal of your relationship with him, and that with his family too. Could he do similar again?

    I’d suggest the sooner you can form a mental shell with him on the outside when dealing with him day to day the better. Very hard to do with anger and hurt seething inside, I believe from all you have said here in the Forum you are capable though.

    I’m glad your daughter’s condition is becoming clearer and her heart is fine, though the other matters you relate seem horrible.

    I, like everyone here, wish I had more than faint words on a screen to offer, all I can say is they are offered with care and sympathy

    Croix (Who wishes you the luck you requested too - flippers crossed)

    1 person found this helpful
  6. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
    13036 posts
    11 May 2017 in reply to Zenobia

    Zenobia

    you have been through a lot in past few days. It must be hard to work with the man you were once so close to. You have to deal with him at work so it is good you are learning how to cope.

    He is probably feeling unsure of how to approach you and has probably been given ideas by the counsellor.

    Your whole idea of your future together has been drastically changed and this will take a time and effort and some pain to come to terms with.

    I admire your strength.

    I suppose you have to focus on the present and not on what might have been.

    I think you have the emotional resources so you do not need luck. You are smart and strong.

    Take care

    quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  7. CMF
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    11 May 2017 in reply to Zenobia

    Dear Zenobia,

    My heart is breaking for you. Croix's words to you were spot on. I don't have more to add but i am sending you strength to get through and a hug to help heal the hurt you feel.

    cmf x

    1 person found this helpful
  8. ro63
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    11 May 2017 in reply to Zenobia
    Hi Zenobia, I t has been a rough few days and I feel for you it's incredibly hard at work aswell, you mentioned that you might try and keep the conversation light ,that might be a good idea ,and I guess that yesterday had to happen so today could happen is true in a way too it just seemed that he could have handled it with a bit more sensitivity,I hope your days get esaier Im sure they will remember that things happen for a reason this reason may not make much sense at the time but it will ,we are here if you need us take care now ,Ross.
    1 person found this helpful
  9. Zenobia
    Zenobia avatar
    118 posts
    11 May 2017 in reply to Croix

    Part 1

    Dear all,

    Croix, it is almost as though you were able to predict what was going to happen today.

    I had to relieve another staff member at the last minute today and that threw me into my (ex) love's office - for 6 hours. I was actually happy because it put us together in a position where we used to kill it. We worked together before in this position and we were a great team. But today, eveything wonderful that we did made me realise that I can't even offer admiration or feel proud to be part of his life. You know how when someone, anyone you love or are friends with, is really good at something, you feel proud to know them?

    I struggled today because I realised after 30th june, we probably won't see each other ever again. That it is over really and I am going to have to realise that.

    Just towards the end of the day when I had hoped to have a couple words fently to tell him how hard today was, his wife shows up. I was shocked. I said to him that he could have warned me and he said he didn't know she was coming.. .twice. He wasn't even ready to go as he hadn't prepped for the following day. He offered to help me pack up and I told him I was fine and he should just go. When i went out into the hall she was waiting for me, demanded to know what I had just said to him. I honestly tried to stay calm, after all work colleagues were around. I told her nothing but work stuff. She then insulted me rudely and I pointed out that this was our workplace and I just walked away. She followed and I went into my other office and she then waited for him outside the door. We finished up and they left. She was laughing, he looked devastated.

    I think this was an eye opener for me. I think she was hoping to catch us out at something. He has been given back some freedoms, his phone, and he is now allowed to go to work by himself in the mornings and he was expecting to catch the train this afternoon too.

    I was left shaking and although other colleagues were around, I had to pretend all over again that everything was fine. Within an hour, I sent them a joint text message stating that I apologised if my presence caused them stress and would ensure that I am no longer available to work at those premises. I promised that I would do nothing to cause any further stress.

    T.B.C

    Zenobia

  10. Zenobia
    Zenobia avatar
    118 posts
    11 May 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Part 2

    I think I found that mental protective shell Croix. I feel like saying I don't care but I know that's denial and that I do really.

    I think I have come to the realisation that he has made a choice and I don't fit in the picture. What is so unusual though is that he has such a beautiful soul and I have never heard him say anything bad about anyone, even if they deserved it. He is a little effiminate and when belittled once,it really didn't bother him. He was able to see the other's point and able to even be kind to him. He would never have used words as his wife did, never insults anyone and explains the need to rationalise and take emotion out of a heated issue. Does his wife embarrass him then? Does he reprimand her and try to teach her as I have learnt from him?

    He always made me want to be a better person. He did in fact, influence me a lot and he has inspired me to be a better person and I think that is why I may be able to let him go so quietly (screaming on the inside though ).

    Quirky, you hit the nail on the head with my future being not what I had hoped for, that hope may be gone for good and that he is using tactics given to him by the counsellor. He has often quoted the counsellor. ..

    Ross, I do think that is half at what I have been struggling with. His insensitivity. I wished we had had a proper goodbye conversation, tears and all, but nice and clear so that I could ask questions and get clear answers, whether I like the answers or not. I have been strung along with the goal posts changing constantly. It's like he has been cutting bit by bit then suddenly total then ok for a bit....

    I can't do it anymore. It is time to feel the full brunt of the pain and give into it without any hope. Life without hope... What is that?
    Croix's confidence that I will feel love like that again? That is what I will hope for...

    I am going to my first ever counselling session tomorrow morning... I think there will be floods of tears.

    Hugs back to you all

    Zenobia xxx

    2 people found this helpful
  11. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    9388 posts
    12 May 2017 in reply to Zenobia

    Hi Zenobia

    I was 26yo when an older man told me "you know you can fall in love with one in twenty people"?

    I didnt believe him. I'd been living on and off with a lady I adored 7 years my senior for 6 years. She had a little boy I loved. Sadly the lady had psychiatric issues. She left me once or twice a week...for 6 years!

    Anyway the relationship lasted one more year. Then I left. I got married, had kids, split after 11 years. Met another and lived with her for 10 years.

    One day 2008, I drove past the lady I lived with all those years ago. Her son when he made 27yo took his life. The boys father had passed away. I took that lady out for dinner.

    Thete was no spark, it was totally different than over 20 years ago.

    I then dated my best friend. We married in 2011. It is deeper more committed live than my original love.

    I'm firmly of the view you can find stronger love with greater commitment. Furthermore, when little contact happens with an ex, we tend to fantacise with that past relationship, thinking it was better than it was.

    Dont give up on love. In fact the sooner you go on a date the better, even lunch at a cafe with a friend you have interest in.

    Tony WK

    3 people found this helpful
  12. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    12 May 2017 in reply to Zenobia

    Zenobia

    You are heading in the right direction by starting counselling. remember sometimes it takes a while to make a connection with the counsellor. Hope it went well. Tony has offered some sound advice as usual.

    No one knows what the future holds that's why it is so exciting to see what happens.

    Take care

    quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  13. ro63
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    12 May 2017 in reply to Zenobia

    Hi Z, what a day you had wow ,you handled it with style im sure, his wife turning up at work and LETTING him have his own phone back ,and being able to go to work all by himself ,Hmmm, sounds more like a prison warden to me. and Insulting you .but you did find your armour and your strength, in the face of major confrontation ,you did so well ,and as croix said you will find love again and you will be the stronger for it,I hope the counselling goes well Im sure it will be good to really let it all out.All my very best for tomorrow ,Ross.

    3 people found this helpful
  14. Zenobia
    Zenobia avatar
    118 posts
    18 May 2017 in reply to ro63

    Not sure anymore about anything really...

    Spoke to the counsellor and that was pretty much me just telling her my story and balling my eyes out. Another session tomorrow... see how we go.

    Worked with him twice since then. Actually got to tell him how much he hurt me. All he can say is that he is sorry, acknowledges I am the victim and that he did everything wrong. Somehow that made me furious!

    We were able to talk about the night I did nearly take my life. The night before I found this forum .The night before you all saved my life.

    You know, he does care but somehow it hurts more that he cares and I am rejected than if he was a total bastard and just used me. That is the person you can despise. But how do you despise the person who does still want to be your friend but says he can't because his counsellor does not believe we can be friends and he still stay married to his wife.

    I KNOW i should just say goodbye.... I know that. I've seen all the stuff that says he just isn't worth it. But I think he IS worth it.

    Just an update dear lifesavers.

    Trying to put the Zen back into Zenobia

    PS. I'm sorry I didn't respond to your last post Ross, I know you're right and had no heart to reply.

    1 person found this helpful
  15. ro63
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    19 May 2017 in reply to Zenobia
    Hi Zen, It is so true when you said it would be so much easier to hate him if he was terrible and I understand your frustration and pain that he isn't ,I am glad you went to a counsellor , and it may take a few sessions ,but i think that will be a good thing to really talk it all through, and it will be cathardic, and you will grow from this ,A guy i have been watching on you tube and i listen to his podcasts also Geoff thompson who has been through all sorts of personal struggles and beaten all his fears ,and as he says there is no comfort in growth, which i know is all good and well to say, especially as it really hurts ,but it is how we grow and become strong ,you are getting stronger that's why it hurts and you WILL emerge much stronger than you can imagine, you have started doing the work and that is the biggest battle,I hope the counselleling goes well I'm sure it will ,we are all thinking about you, and are here for you anytime, please know that ,All my very best Ross.
    2 people found this helpful
  16. Moonstruck
    Moonstruck avatar
    3748 posts
    19 May 2017 in reply to Zenobia

    Dear Zenobia

    You don't have to despise him. and he doesn't have to be "worthless" for you to manage this and come out the other side. if you honour and respect his decision about his marriage (however misguided it maybe) give him the space and privacy to work this out for himself and his wife - if so he will continue to respect and love you as much as I feel he did! Whether he can act upon his feelings for you in the future as a free man, no one knows.

    It will be to your benefit in the long run if you try not to let it "turn ugly". Of course you want to say rotten horrible things to him - he's hurt you terribly - he knows that.

    Of course it would help to see him as "not worth it" and able to despise him. But you and I know, you cannot do that - at least not now. As I said in an earlier post, I am very familiar with your situation - the married man and the "other woman" (she also had to respect his decision and leave him to the privacy of his marriage). Most "other women"know this is quite on the cards when they sign up for such a relationship. this married man was "worth it" too. She couldn't despise him - he was the "great love of her life - MGM movie type stuff"

    After many years of not being part of each other's lives - they found each other by accident - and now the closest of friends - (yes he did eventually leave his marriage) people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

    You will survive this -much love.....x

    2 people found this helpful
  17. Cornstarch
    Cornstarch avatar
    571 posts
    19 May 2017 in reply to Zenobia

    Dear Zenobia,

    I am some random women sitting in her bedroom reading this section of the forum feeling utterly perplexed and downright useless to anyone and everything especially middle-age-ish women.

    You need to remember first and foremost the section of this website where you have posted.

    Your health and safety has to be #1 at all times! I don’t care how wonderful this person is and how
    close the connection was, they are not worth this; no-one is. You’re life is too precious. Your focus with your counsellor has to centre around why it has sparked such an extreme response in you and not why he chose his wife over you.

    And to be perfectly blunt I see potential vulnerability in all 3 people in this situation to just snap or brake, which ever comes first.

    Their co-dependent relationship is bewildering to you and because it has involved abuse you cannot understand what on earth he sees in her. You can see how low his self esteem is and how controlling his wife is and
    conclude that there are no love feelings there. But there may very well be.

    Who knows what has gone on behind closed doors and you may only have part of the story. Maybe he has done things in the relationship he is deeply ashamed of, and so has his wife, and trying again is some sort of redemption. If his wife has turned into the mother that she cannot stand and hates herself for it, she has to work through those emotions with her therapist. I doubt she’s proud of that.

    I awoke early this morning after a terrible sleep to a text message from a friend telling me that she feels exactly this way right now, and she had almost completed it another certain way recently. My Dad went this way
    so my brain shifted into ‘D’, and no it wasn’t ‘drive’, and it took me an hour and 45 minutes to text her mother, that’s what an astoundingly competent human being I am in these situations. I have absolutely no memory of what I did for that hour and 45 minutes. I have changed my t-shirt 3 times today.

    Please put your health and safety first.

    Love and hurt makes children of us all, there is nothing to be ashamed of with regard to the intensity of your emotions. The whole situation sounds very sad for everyone. But I would walk away.


    3 people found this helpful
  18. Zenobia
    Zenobia avatar
    118 posts
    19 May 2017 in reply to Cornstarch

    Hey moonstruck, cornstarch and ross,

    All your advice is so sensible, I know it is and you pre-empted a question I was going to ask even though I knew the answer.

    my counsellor recommended I write him a letter and understood that I needed a quiet sit down meeting with him so I could ask him all the questions that are spiraling through my head all day and night long.

    After a long week where fate through us together several times, I told him my need so that I could move on. He asked if his wife could read the letter. I said that would hurt her. So that meant he would not accept any letter as eveything between he and his wife is completely open. And therefore, no meeting. I stated the meeting didn't have to be a secret. Nothing was going to happen i just want to know what happened. Apparently all my pain, everything we had together and subsequent health issues are not worth him fighting for one small concession to me.

    How angry I was. .. all thoughts of vengeance went through me. I knew I wouldnt act on it but boy I wanted, still want, to. But it is poisonous and will actually serve no good purpose and I do want to be a good person in this world.I can however understand the impulse to resort to revenge now though.

    Take care all, hoping for an uneventful weekend and boy I would love to just sleep

    z.

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Zenobia
    Zenobia avatar
    118 posts
    19 May 2017 in reply to Cornstarch

    Cornstarch,

    I have no experience or any idea of how to tell you not to beat yourself up over your loss of time and inability to act. We all would love to be able act appropriately when we are put on the spot, from something so trivial as "when so and so said this, I should have said that" or I should have done this when that happened.

    We can't live thinking about what we should have done. We can only hope that we say, next time I will do this... and hopefully we have absorbed that knowledge so we can act on it more spontaneously. Even new knowledge like that needs reinforcing and most humans need to be in a situation several times before it is cemented and becomes a natural action.

    Thank you for your support and it does not serve you or the universe to be so hard on yourself 🌻

    Zenobia

    2 people found this helpful
  20. Cornstarch
    Cornstarch avatar
    571 posts
    19 May 2017 in reply to Zenobia

    It's completely natural to feel angry because you're feeling used. You're feeling like you were there to plug a hole because the physical intimacy in his marriage had disappeared for whatever reason.

    I slept with a married women once. It's the worst thing I have ever done. I'm not proud of it. I am so ashamed. I've told all of my friends and my siblings but I must admit that I am a bit of a coward because if I was tough I would have told my Mum! I have not told my Mum. It's her birthday today, what-do-ay-think? We didn't have an affair, we only had sex twice and then it was over but I was a plug. She used me.

    Some affairs break marriages, but some affairs refurbish them.

    It sounds like he is prioritising his wife in every regard and the trust issues in their marriage run deep.

    It's one thing to have an affair, it's another thing to tell someone that you love them. He instilled hope inside of you by saying that, and then he disappeared. It's no wonder that you feel crazy. I would. Do people really throw those words around that lightly?

    I think most people throughout their life have one or two people that come along and we just feel Voodoo-ed by them. They cast spells. Maybe that's what love is. We can't control it, it's non-sensical, it goes against our better judgment, and it just seems to come out of nowhere.

    It sounds like he is your Voodoo Zenobia. So don't apologise or feel silly. Love and hurt makes children of us all.

    But there's one thing........I'm just worried that his wife is his Voodoo....................

    Put your mental health first as best as you can, you're doing a great job.

    3 people found this helpful
  21. Cornstarch
    Cornstarch avatar
    571 posts
    19 May 2017 in reply to Zenobia

    Thanks for your encouraging words re: my friend. I've lived it for real before, and helped my Mum through the traumatic grief, so yes, I know at the end of the day you can't be with someone 24/7 and it's not my fault but......its a very painful type of grief. I'm still not 'over it'. None of us are.

    I just think that you need to put yourself and your health first and that it's alarming that these feelings arose. Easy to sit here and preach, when I'm not in the firestorm of feeling rejected. And as I said, some people just get under our skin and drive you bonkers with the emotional grasp they seem to have you for no logical reason.

    But from what you've written, they as a couple, have clearly sorted what is and is not acceptable contact between you guys, otherwise he wouldn't have asked if his wife could read the letter. They seem to be on a path together, that a lot has been discussed and that they know what each others boundaries are.

    What that means for you is, I think you should devise your own plan for yourself on how to move forward. And it will definitely involve putting yourself back out there, in the world, meeting new, available people.

    I am absolutely determined to tell my Mum now about my indiscretion after seeing that up there in lights. I must release this contraction and shame in my heart. She'll wanna know why it took so many years to tell her. That's the heat I must take for my mistakes I guess.

    Good luck. Be safe.

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10561 posts
    20 May 2017 in reply to Zenobia

    Dear Zenobia~

    Corny is amazing and has gret insight. I always feel gain when I think about what she says.

    This is not a serious post, writing to see how you are getting on. Weekends can be too still at times. Thinking of one's situation too can taxing if continuous.

    So tell me, if you would not mind, what are your distractions and how is your daughter?

    Croix

  23. Zenobia
    Zenobia avatar
    118 posts
    20 May 2017 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Thanks for checking in, kinda wish we could all meet but then that would defeat the huge gain we have from anonymity and safety to speak what we really feel. Who knows, maybe we have met out there in the real world. Maybe you were that wonderful gentleman who tried to helpmwhen my daughter collapsed at the ballet. Boy that broke my heart. Still does. All she wanted was a night out after being stuck at home for weeks with only medical appointments to look forward to. My sister loves the ballet and once a year she gets us all cheap wing seats where you can only see half the stage. So having had dinner first, my beautiful daughter was struggling to walk becuase of pain in her joints. We get to the opera house and the sudden warmth in there and her exhausted state saw her collpase. It really brought home her fragility and here I am selfishly missing my love and she is missing out on LIFE. I have so much to learn from her and it is my mission to make her as happy as possible.

    I will put HIM on the backburner and focus on her - she makes it very difficult though because she is fiercely independent.

    Gotta go... the chips!

    Love Z

  24. Zenobia
    Zenobia avatar
    118 posts
    20 May 2017 in reply to Croix

    I also saw the counsellor again yesterday and she did give me a few insights into what might be going on in his brain, but I am exhausted. So so worn out. Thinking about him brings me only pain and yesterday he managed to hurt me more. I actually feel that if i write what happened yesterday, I'll never be able to forget it and I so want to forget.

    I told the counsellor and as well as some insights, she showed me some meditative tricks to calm me when I feel that tightness in my chest that squeezes more and more. I feel it starting again now and don't want to give it anymore energy. I will do my absolute best to walk away from him... for now. I really can't say the words forever - I'm not ready yet...

    So today I stayed in bed all morning, felt the weight of loneliness and depression and then got up and did what had to be done - housework.

    Mundane activities can be therapeutic too with the added benefit of actually doing something. Unfortunately I also had to go through the stuff from one of my desks at work. We are all losing our jobs at the end of next month and yesterday we had to say good bye to one of our beloved colleagues. So yesterday was pretty shitty.

    Today I am much calmer but there is no happiness. I will grab calmness with both hands for now and just keep going.

    Thanks Croix x

  25. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    21 May 2017 in reply to Zenobia

    Hi Zenobia,

    Keeping myself busy is something that really helps me. I have just been out in the garden pulling up weeds and trimming bushes, it is great therapy for me. Like you mentioned, finding something that can provide you with a sense of achievement, housework and gardening included can help to boost our mood, even if just a little.

    I'm really sorry to read about what is happening at your work place. My husband had much the same in the industry he was working in. Thankfully he had hobbies and interests to help him though the really tough time of adjustment while he was between employment.

    When you need to go to bed for hours, would listening to music or reading a book help with the feelings of loneliness and depression? I sometimes grab an extra pillow and cry into that, tears can be very healing.

    Hope the meditative tricks help you as well.

    Cheers for now from Mrs. D.

    1 person found this helpful
  26. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10561 posts
    21 May 2017 in reply to Zenobia

    Dear Zenobia~

    I know very well this is easy for me to say:- If it was me I'd find the job loss terrible and frightening, but there would be tiny seed of relief that the possibility of continuing with this person was going to become even more remote.

    There is something I can talk about that is more sensible. I use an app called Smiling Mind. It takes practice but has helped me quite a lot when I too have felt that tightness in my chest that squeezes more and more or an inability to handle things.

    Mrs Dools speaks sense - as usual

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Zenobia
    Zenobia avatar
    118 posts
    22 May 2017 in reply to Doolhof

    Mrs D it makes me sad that their are so many of us hurting!

    I know, in my head, that I will heal and I so want everyone here to heal too. You all provide such gentle kindness and support. Mrs D, if I had a magic wand I would make your pain go away.

    I too love working in my garden as it doesn't need me. I go out to tame it and keep it the way I want it but it asks nothing from me but water in the summer. It means that when I am out there my thoughts can relax - usually. But now i just cry out there... it reminds me of him!

    Maybe next weekend...

    Thanks Mrs D x

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Zenobia
    Zenobia avatar
    118 posts
    22 May 2017 in reply to Croix

    Oh Croix,

    The hesitancy and care with which you try to talk sense into me is touching.

    I know that nothing will be the same again and nothing I planned for my future will ever come to fruition. I also know that my heart can't accept it yet. I figure that as long as my head tells me the sensible truth I will be able to make safe decisions even though my obsessive heart wants me to do things that are not sensible but understandable.

    I keep focussing on being the better person.... not to give in to the desire for revenge.

    The counsellor sent me to yoga nidra and insight timer apps to help me wind down and sleep

    Take care my friends

    "After all..tomorrow is another day"

    Z

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    22 May 2017 in reply to Zenobia

    Hi Zenobia,

    Feelings of revenge, regret, bitterness, unmet dreams...goodness me they are tough aren't they! Forgiveness is something that I have had to learn over the years and letting go of dreams that have not come to fruition.

    These days I try to make dreams that are achievable. I also have wild dreams as well that will only happen if I win a million dollars, those are okay too, if we stop dreaming, I feel we loose part of ourselves.

    Regarding your garden, I am sorry it makes you think of him. Is there something you can change in your garden? If you have a chair or bench out there, can you move it to a different part of the garden so you have a different view?

    In my garden I have created a little sanctuary for myself. It is a new place in the garden, a space for me. I have a plastic chair I move to different places as well for a new view.

    I was watching a show on tree houses, I would love a platform in a tree so I could have abetter view of the sunset.

    Going back to revenge for some people it may be a way of curing the soul, for others it can leave lasting pain and an empty feeling. I understand the urge, I have also experienced the consequences in myself and others.

    Hope you stay strong, that each day brings a little healing and you can once again open your heart, mind and soul to the beauty that is around you.

    Cheers for now from Mrs. D.

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Zenobia
    Zenobia avatar
    118 posts
    22 May 2017 in reply to Doolhof

    Mrs D are you like a 110 years old?

    Your wisdom is heart warming.

    My garden only knew him briefly but he loved it! He was excited by every bloom, loved the wildness of the native patch down the back, the weeds growing in my gutters, the patches of wild daisies in the lawn that I mowed around. He took photos, found the whole place inspiring. I live on bushy outskirts and he has only a suburban townhouse plot. So eventually I know the memory of his face and enthusiasm will fade but for now... he is intertwined with everything.

    I am not ready to dream or ready to think I could possibly be happy like that again but I have decided, from listening to all the advice here,that I will not close my eyes to the possibility. It's just so hard to believe that in my 50 years of life I have had two amazing love stories and they both ended so sharply and prematurely, they were so short lived and there was 25 years between them... I will be ancient before my next love if my life sticks to that trajectory.

    I remember those 25 years. They are not quite lonely because you have family, friends and work, but to share your soul, your spirit, your ideas, dreams you didn't know you had, that's what is missing. I don't want to die without having it long enough to get a chance to actually realise a dream, make a plan a reality, be able to look back together at what we have achieved.

    I guess I feel jealous that my parents had that love, they had that enduring true love and I believed it to be normal. I expected to have it too. Reality is, the universe doesn't owe us this and many many people never get to experience it.

    Is it better to have experienced it and have it taken away or better to have just travelled along satisfied but not particularly inspired with life?

    The way I feel now, definitely wish I had never had it.

    Anyway, today I felt better. I did not have that anger or even an iota of desire for revenge...perhaps the savage beast has gone (or sleeping in its cave regrouping).

    My dreams at the moment are to help wind down our workplace and assist as many staff as possible to find another job, offer moral support and boost their spirits a little. It always helps your own soul when someone else is thankful for your help and kindness. I am looking for another job and I guess that's my short term goal- and to get through my first interview tomorrow.

    Thanks Mrs D x

    Zenobia

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