Mrs D are you like a 110 years old?
Your wisdom is heart warming.
My garden only knew him briefly but he loved it! He was excited by every bloom, loved the wildness of the native patch down the back, the weeds growing in my gutters, the patches of wild daisies in the lawn that I mowed around. He took photos, found the whole place inspiring. I live on bushy outskirts and he has only a suburban townhouse plot. So eventually I know the memory of his face and enthusiasm will fade but for now... he is intertwined with everything.
I am not ready to dream or ready to think I could possibly be happy like that again but I have decided, from listening to all the advice here,that I will not close my eyes to the possibility. It's just so hard to believe that in my 50 years of life I have had two amazing love stories and they both ended so sharply and prematurely, they were so short lived and there was 25 years between them... I will be ancient before my next love if my life sticks to that trajectory.
I remember those 25 years. They are not quite lonely because you have family, friends and work, but to share your soul, your spirit, your ideas, dreams you didn't know you had, that's what is missing. I don't want to die without having it long enough to get a chance to actually realise a dream, make a plan a reality, be able to look back together at what we have achieved.
I guess I feel jealous that my parents had that love, they had that enduring true love and I believed it to be normal. I expected to have it too. Reality is, the universe doesn't owe us this and many many people never get to experience it.
Is it better to have experienced it and have it taken away or better to have just travelled along satisfied but not particularly inspired with life?
The way I feel now, definitely wish I had never had it.
Anyway, today I felt better. I did not have that anger or even an iota of desire for revenge...perhaps the savage beast has gone (or sleeping in its cave regrouping).
My dreams at the moment are to help wind down our workplace and assist as many staff as possible to find another job, offer moral support and boost their spirits a little. It always helps your own soul when someone else is thankful for your help and kindness. I am looking for another job and I guess that's my short term goal- and to get through my first interview tomorrow.
Thanks Mrs D x