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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

Topic: I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

  1. Aaronsis
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    8 November 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Helloo Aaron and welcome back, I knew that you would be having the time of your life so I wasn't at all worried about you not posting.

    I am soooo pleased you had a wonderful time and that Melbourne gave you a brilliant mini break, just what you needed really. Yes the shopping....arrgghhhh, but hey lucky for you you are not caught in the DFO trap all the time, lol, it is so easy to go and spend a fortune. That is so exciting that you played to a full house, and I am so very sure that you made more that one person happy.

    It was so good that your ex understood that you needed to do this on your own know, and hopefully the physical absence of you over the week would have helped her too. That is so true what you said and you have totally nailed it, conversation with her does not have to have a destination, it can be just checking in and seeing that a friend is ok, time will give you the direction you need I think, you will either feel like there is something to work on and reconcile or that there really is no future and you will move off on your own path.

    That is great that you had a day off to refresh and to relax but yeah, the post holiday blues probably hit you a little, but that is great that you jumped in the car and went for a drive and put some things in place to manage it and also to just sit with those feelings and be ok with them, not alarmed or upset or concerned. We all have sad days and yet that does not mean we are depressed, just having a sad day, and that is fine.

    My weekend was totally amazing and the show was so fantastic, I love the drag queens, they are so fun and really know how to perform and put on a show. We are going to RuPaul's Werq the World in Canberra in Feb so we are super excited about that .....lol

    So great to hear from you and you really sound so ......dare I say it...happy!...lol...

    The fact that office girl has deleted you off social media I think says more that she just wants to perhaps heal for want of a better word. I think in time the two of you will have a big conversation and a big hug and put the events of now in the past and just reflect on a time when you were hurting, she provided you with friendship but she also gave you the awareness that you can feel, feel what it might be like to be cared for, I think you will always be grateful to her for that. For now tho, just let her go on her way, and you do the same and one day when you are both ready a conversation will happen.

    Have a wonderful Friday!

    Chat soon

    S

    1 person found this helpful
  2. rhinoceros
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    148 posts
    8 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    It was pretty busy - I didn't bring my computer or anything with me so couldn't check in here on Beyond Blue easily. That said, it was nice to get a break from computers/social media etc. and focus on other things. Just being in a different place for a while is helpful - when everything is unfamiliar, everything is seen from a different perspective.

    As for my ex, she still calls me a lot - and I still can't help myself in that I find myself worrying about her a great deal. At the same time there's a fine line where checking in can be good for both of us, but too much tends to wear me out. That carer thing starts again, it makes me really tired. She's going through a bit of rough patch at work at the moment - long story, but I'm trying to be supportive and lend an ear.

    I like that idea of just having a 'sad day' once in a while. I think that's what it was. Today is a bit of sad day too but it's nothing to worry about. I have two gigs tomorrow, I'll be doing about 7 hours of guitar playing tomorrow... it's going to be a busy/tiring day. I think I'm finding that a bit daunting. That combined with being very tired is a recipe for trouble. It's making me quite anxious/edgy feeling today. Right now, just accepting that feeling and not letting it bother me too much.

    Re. office girl - I think you're right. It's probably best for both of us actually. I need to let that infatuation pass, it's not really helpful to anyone! I hope we can move on past this awful/awkward stage with time. She's a really special person, one of a kind - I feel so guilty for hurting her like that - but like you've said before, I can't keep carrying all this emotional baggage for other people (me ex, office girl...) - just my own baggage is heavy enough haha! I'm super grateful to her - it was such a huge wake up call.

    So glad you had a good weekend! It sounds like a really great time. I've never been to a drag show but I'm sure they put on a heck of a show! It sounds like lots of fun :-)

    I hope you have a good rest of your Friday and that you have another good weekend :-)

    Aaron

  3. Aaronsis
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    9 November 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Hey Aaron

    Thinking of you today and hope that you are not feeling sad, I am glad you like the idea of a "sad day" and it is more than alright to allow yourself to fall in a heap and feel the funk and cry and feel yuk, just as long as it doesn't hang around too long. I can hear that you are tired and still playing a large roll in caring for your ex, I am thinking about a plan for you and I am not sure how you feel about this as it will be a large step, so what do you think about drawing a line in the sand and perhaps just limiting your exposure to your ex twice a week? I know that you want to support her through her rough patch and the work issues, however she really needs to start to develop another support network that is not you. I know that is harsh but she too needs the chance to lean on others just as you need a break from being her carer. I feel like it is ok to let her calls go to VM on purpose and she will see that you are not at her beck and call for support. Perhaps a text instead of a phone call? I am by no means forcing this on you, just a suggestion for perhaps how to move to the next phase and have some space and create the distance you need.

    I am glad that you have seen the wonderful side of another person and have something wonderful to look forward to, not necessarily with office girl but someone like office girl, but she has woken you up to the wonder of how a lovely relationship can feel and that you do deserve that and that you are capable of feeling that. You deserve a wonderful and happy relationship and you will have that when you are ready. That is so nice that you think she is one of a kind and I am sure she would be delighted to know that. As I said before, I do believe you will have a conversation in the future and you might get to tell her that, I think she would appreciate to know that.

    The weather here is atrocious so a pretty quiet weekend I think, kids sports and a movie I think...lol..hope your gigs are going well and that you are enjoying being out there doing your music thing, such a wonderful healer and nice to be around new people.

    Great that you got some time off social media and the computer, I need to do more of that too.....hmmm....

    Hope you are good today Aaron

    Cheers
    Sarah

  4. rhinoceros
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    148 posts
    11 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    Sad days are okay- if you don't have those you can't appreciate the happy ones! I've taken on too much gigging lately, so am exhausted - that's probably not helping with my mood. The extra income is nice, but it's not really worth feeling so tired. I start to get a bit silly when I'm tired- I can get paranoid and irrational... I suspect we all get a bit loopy if we're tired enough!

    You're right regarding my ex - I need to back away a bit. I saw her yesterday, we went for a hot chocolate, she also gave me a birthday card and present. It was really nice of her. It was really nice of her.Seeing her too often is bad though, I start to get confused about what I'm feeling and start second-guessing myself. I'm still very much her support-person unfortunately. It's hard when you still love someone and care for them, all that can get a bit confusing. We could end up together again but I need to make that decision when I'm not confused and have my wits about me...

    Tonight to try and clear my head a bit by going for a run. I think the combination of too much time with my ex and being overtired is a recipe for trouble.

    Rather worryingly I'm doing a half-marathon on Sunday. It's brutal even for seasoned runners. I'm going to mostly walk it but run the little bits where it isn't so steep!

    On the bright side, my ex is going to a BBQ on Saturday with her work friends - I'm happy to know she's going to a social gathering where there'll be other people there.

    The weather here in Tasmania this weekend was dreadful! Freezing cold, windy/rainy... but today, it's sunny and warm - of course on a Monday! When I was in Victoria it was raining most of the time - in fact, I got stuck in a thunderstorm!

    Hope you've had a good Monday Sarah

    Aaron

     

  5. Aaronsis
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    11 November 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Hey Aaron

    OMG..have you had a birthday...HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you, hope it was totally awesome and that you were so very spoiled....happy birthday!

    I totally hear you with the combination of tired and exhausted and a lot on your plate, does make me a bit silly too, sometimes funny silly but sometimes crying silly....it is so good that you are aware of that though and can put some things in place to prevent it, a run is great but maybe just a small one, just to get the fresh air in but not to over do it. That marathon sounds like HELL....lol....but how incredible that you are going to do that, now here is the mum in me coming out, make sure that you eat well before hand and get your energy levels up, and blood sugars too..oh and get a good massage afterwards, that will be good for your body and your mind. Ok I think I have covered it all...lol.

    I can hear that you are so very relieved that your ex has some social activities planned, that is really great and hopefully she is doing better and getting used to what it looks like without you. Time will tell and time will be the key, there is no rush and there is no deadline here, you take what time you need to get to the place that you feel happy, and if in the future you end up together, whether that be next month or next year, you know you have made the best decision for you, and for her too. Just something I want to bring to your attention though is if you are having conversations around getting back together just make sure you understand exactly what her expectations are, what I mean by that is if her desire is to be married and have children then I just want you to know and understand and agree and have your future's lined up, and on the same page. That way there are no surprises later on down the track with requests that you are not happy with or don't want.

    The weather here is nice today and I haven't had a too bad of a day, I think it all turns pear shaped by the end of the week tho..the weather that is...lol

    Oh just wondering how coffee girl is going and if she has followed up to see how you are doing? She seemed like a great friend.

    Happy Monday to you too

    Chat soon

    Sarah

    1 person found this helpful
  6. rhinoceros
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    148 posts
    12 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    Thank you so much for the birthday wishes! I feels only weeks since my last birthday... time flies!

    If I'm overtired I can be hilarious-silly but quickly it turns into paranoid/neurotic silly! Last night I didn't bother going for a run in the end - it was far too windy outside. Ended up getting a very early night, usually I go to bed about midnight, last night went to bed at about 9:30. It was hard to sleep, by heart was pounding like crazy for no apparent reason, I'm probably run down and worrying about things too much.

    The half-marathon is going to be so painful! It's scary, but I'm looking forward to it. I think it will give me a really good sense of achievement. With all the health problems I've had in the last year or so, just being able to take part in it is a bonus!

    For my ex and I , I think I'm feeling a bit under pressure to give an answer about if we're getting back together or not. I don't know yet. She's been lovely the past few weeks, but will that all change later? There's no way of telling. Similarly if I meet someone else, they might be lovely at first, but actually be horrible! It's too soon to know. I think last night/yesterday I was crumbling under the pressure of that. I'm so busy worrying about what my ex is feeling, what office girl is feeling that I worked myself up into a real state! These things take time, and I can't give everyone the answer they want right now.

    Glad the weather has been okay there you've had an okay day. It's pretty cold down here in Hobart again. For every one warm day there's about 5 or 6 cold ones.

    Coffee girl is good- I had a nice chat to her yesterday. I'm going to see if she's keen for another coffee maybe Friday. That would be a nice way to wind up the work week. I'm very lucky to somehow meet nice people like that.

    Hope you're having a good day Sarah :-)

    Aaron

  7. Aaronsis
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    13 November 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Good Morning Aaron

    I hope that you had a wonderful birthday and yes..time sure flies....mine is coming up in Jan and I am going to be 45 eeekkk....feels like yesterday that I had my 21st....ahh weelll.

    That is awesome to hear that you got an early night, it makes for a happy person the next day. I think the heart pounding was probably the mind overthinking, and the mix of being tired....having a lot on you plate still with having pressure to make a decision with your ex. I can hear that you said that you really have not made a choice yet as to what you want to do, I think if you had you would have let her know, I think it is equally fine to let her know that you haven't made a choice with regards to your future together and that the pressure you are feeling to do so is in fact not helping with the healing process. You have every right to ask for time and for patience and when you have come to a decision that you will let her know. You can empathize with her as this is probably a time when she is feeling like she is sitting around waiting for you to "let her know", but she needs to use this time to do some self discovery and some healing and think about the things that didn't work so well in the relationship and what her role was in that.

    I hear what you say with the confusion of knowing your ex and what will a future look like if you reconnect V's meeting some one else and having them turn into something different too....I think this is part of the journey in any relationship and all we can do is take time to get to know a person and see what works and what doesn' t and be aware of any red flags, this rings true for both if you decide to go back to your ex or if you find a new person in your life. Relationship are tricky but you have learnt so very much from this experience and have grown so much as a person and this will serve you well in future relationships. You are so much wiser and stronger than you give yourself credit for Aaron.

    Great to hear that coffee girl is good and you have a friend there to chat with and support you, that is wonderful, there are wonderful people in the world there really is and I am glad you have met one too.

    The marathon is getting close and I am really excited for you and can't wait to hear how it goes, that is so awesome and yes..it will be a huge sense of achievement and success for you....so awesome!

    Hump day!!! Enjoy...chat soon

    Sarah :)

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  8. rhinoceros
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    148 posts
    14 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    As long as you still feel 21 is what matters! When my grandfather turned 90, he said he feels just the same as he did back when he was in his 20's. Age is just a number - it's what you do/feel/enjoy that matters :-). Time sure does fly though!

    You have articulated all that so much better than I could've! It's exactly that... it's too soon to make a decision either way. I'm so used to putting other peoples feelings etc. above my own that it's really hard to actually think about what is right for me. I wish I could give her an answer either way right now, but it's just not possible! I really worked myself up about it. Feeling much better today. Had gig last night, but it finished at 9:30 so thankfully not too late a night.

    I'm a bit worried about office-girl yet again, she's been away all of this week and some of last week. I hope it's not because of me. I realise I've done nothing wrong, but can't help but feel responsible... I worry that she's had some sort of breakdown or something... fingers crossed she's okay. I'm always worrying about something!! I hope she's okay.

    I'm going to send coffee girl a message later tonight and see if she's free to have another coffee Friday. I'm kind of nervous to put myself out there. There's no romantic component of any sort, but I'm generally a pretty shy person, pretty much any interaction causes a small level of anxiety!!

    My ex called last night, kind of putting pressure on me again. I basically said that if I've totally given up on "us" that I'd tell her. She's finding hard, but I feel like she still doesn't really get it - she means well, but I don't believe she's taking much accountability for her part in the relationship. She said that I make up scenarios and put words in her mouth etc. Basically blaming me for being upset by some of the things she has said. This might be true to a small extent, I know for a fact I have a very vivid imagination... that said - I think it's unfair to blame me for the way I react to things she says.

    I was planning on doing a bit of last minute preparation for this marathon on Sunday, but after that phone call last night I really didn't feel up to it.

    Hoping today is better! I have a gig tonight - that will take my mind off things. :-)

    Yay for Thursday - the weekend is only around the corner now :-)

    Hope you had a great day yesterday and today goes well for you Sarah

    Aaron

  9. Aaronsis
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    14 November 2019 in reply to rhinoceros
    Hey Aaron
    Oh wow, that is wonderful that your grandfather is still with you at 90…that is so awesome…grandparents are so important and we have a lot to learn from them…and yes…age is just a number
    I am glad you got what I was saying about time and her expectations…and yes it is all a learning curve when you realise that you do put other people’s feelings and cares before your own, but you are aware of it and you really are taking steps to put you first, it just takes practice, but you are on your way. What you said to me in that post is just perfect to say to her “I wish I could give you an answer right now but it is just not possible”…that is perfect, and if she cannot accept that , that is a huge red flag….along with the other things about her conversation with you last night, hmmm…saying you make up scenarios and put words in her mouth….that is alarming to me, and yes, I agree I don’t think she is taking responsibility for her role in the relationship. See, when you are made to feel bad, that is your feeling and your perception and you are feeling bad, so how can a person question you on how you are feeling, the behaviour is making you uncomfortable or sad or angry, therefore it is not right for you…period. I hope you know what I mean, that didn’t really come across well, but I think I am trying to say you can’t make up feelings….if you are upset by what she has said then she needs to address what was said also….the way you communicate would need to be a consideration if you were to get back together as communication and receiving and delivering messages as they are intended in key.
    Hopefully office girl is ok too. I know it is hard but please try not to feel like she is unwell as a result of you, you are so very caring and I know it is hard, she may have had a family situation come up or she may even be on annual leave. It is hard I know
    You go for it and make a friend out of coffee girl, I hear you are anxious about asking her for a catch up but as you said this is not about romance, just making a friend to catch up with and enjoy. I am so glad that you are putting yourself out there and doing things to improve your shyness, it is hard and you are doing baby steps.
    So glad you have your gigs to enjoy, hope tonight goes well too.
    Today so far is going well for me, just about to have my skinny chai latte…yum!
    Yay for Thursday indeed…..I have my first Christmas party for the year on Saturday…I know ….crazy!
    Have an awesome day Aaron
    Sarah
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  10. rhinoceros
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    148 posts
    14 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah!

    Sadly my grandfather isn't around any more- he passed away about a year ago, but made it to the age of 92. Long story, but my dad was drunk a lot - my grandfather was my role model and set the standard for me. He was a real gentleman. A very strong and kind man. I'm so lucky to have had him as my grandfather. He got me into music too!

    I was a bit disappointed in my ex after that chat last night. I thought she had more insight than that. She still doesn't seem to take responsibility for anything, or really comprehend the issues that led us to where we are now. Obviously it takes two to tango - there are many things I didn't handle well, I should have been far more assertive from the start. When she accused me of creating pretend scenarios and putting words in her mouth, that upset me a lot. It makes me doubt myself and start to wonder if I'm losing my marbles.

    This was one of the huge problems of the relationship - I honestly thought I was losing my mind at times. When you get told that you're overreacting, neurotic etc. enough, you start to believe it. I was trying to reassure her that I haven't given up on us, that I just need time- and that if I thought there was no future I'd tell her right away. I'm not sure what more I could possibly say. I was in tears by the end of that. She seemed annoyed that I was so upset. I'm the total opposite - I'd be so apologetic and sorry if I upset her like that.

    It would be good to talk through that better later maybe, but I have a feeling she just doesn't get it and maybe never will. It's hard to say.

    Office-girl is back at work today. That's good. I haven't bumped into her at all but that's probably for the best. Don't think she wants to see me at all, and I think I'd almost have a heart attack if I saw her!

    I'm a bit rattled by it all but having a gig tonight is good, it's something I'm comfortable doing and I don't have to think about anything else. I'll send coffee girl a message too, if she's free for a coffee tomorrow, that would be wonderful!

    Nervous about this big marathon on Sunday- what was I thinking joining that?! haha!

    WOW - first Christmas party?! Time flies... I'm hearing Christmas Carols in shops already. Seems like only yesterday it was Christmas last year!

    Hope the skinny chai latte was good - sounds delicious!

    Hope your day is going well :-)

    Aaron

  11. Aaronsis
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    14 November 2019 in reply to rhinoceros
    Hey Aaron
    Ohh I am so sorry, I thought that your grandfather was still alive, but he sure does sound like a wonderful man and it is so fantastic that he could step in as a role model for you in life. My ex husband liked a drink so I understand completely how is it to be living with a person who likes alcohol a little too much. That is such a nice gift that he left you which is the joy of music, one of life’s true pleasures.
    I am so sorry that the phone call left you upset last night, that is so unfair and I feel like there is so much pressure on you to make a choice and let her know what you want. I am not how she thinks putting this pressure on you is going to work in her favour, in fact if it were me I would say here is the choice, I am out! You are most certainly not losing your marbles and you have totally ownership of your feeling and how people make you feel, and if she is trying to be manipulative and create situations and turn them around on you to make the outcome suit herself that is very scary and alarming. I am not sure she understands either the role she had to play in the relationship….hmmmm..I hear you and I would be shattered if I had made a person so distraught on the phone, especially at a time when it was about communication and reconciliation, not really a good sign either. At the very least I would have messaged today to apologize, that is just not cool.
    Thank goodness office girl is back, lol..I can hear your relief, I am just imaging you falling on the floor having a heart attack if you bumped into her…lol..not funny..but kind of…
    It is great you have a gig tonight and you can get into your happy place and try to have a good night, I am so sorry that happened to you last night, not good at all.
    My latte was amazing…small pleasures….hopefully you can meet coffee girl tomorrow and maybe try one…soo good.
    I can’t wait to hear how you go with your marathon, it is so awesome you are going to do this..I hear you..what indeed what were you thinking..but hey, you are going to feel amazing afterwards, well not directly afterwards..lol…but you will have such a huge sense of achievement and pride, good on you!
    Yep Christmas is almost here..arrggg…although I actually really like it, but this year is going to be weird without my brother and I am starting to kind of get a bit anxious about that and think about ways to manage the day, I am sure I will be fine.
    Almost home time…yay….enjoy the gig tonight and chat tomorrow.
    S :)
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  12. rhinoceros
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    15 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah :-)

    No need to apologise! Like I said - lucky to have had him in my life as long as I did. My dad means well but unfortunately I doubt he'll ever really sort out his alcohol problem.

    It's a shame about that phone call. Up to that point I actually was pretty sure my ex was making positive steps to take responsibility for her part of the relationship. After that phone call I realise she still doesn't get it. She was being manipulative too, it's probably not on purpose but it's not a good sign.

    I'm having dinner with her tonight after work - hoping to have a bit more of a normal conversation. I want to listen to what she actually says rather than get caught up in the emotions. During that phone call the other night I made that mistake. This time I want to actually listen properly and go from there. What makes me really uneasy is that I feel like I was being subtly gas-lighted - I started doubting my own mental faculties!

    She doesn't believe she's putting pressure me either - that I find frustrating and hard to comprehend. While I don't want to sound harsh or unkind about her, I feel this shows a real lack of insight and empathy.

    Often she would say something that would really upset me, but then would turn it around such that it was my fault for overreacting or being unreasonable. This was exactly what happened on the phone the other day. This, repeated over a period of years can be really damaging. I would doubt every thought that entered my mind.

    My gig last night went well but I was worried about that phone call which was a bit of a bother.

    I was relieved that office girl was back- and yes it is funny but I would actually have a heart attack if bumped her!! I'd probably fall on the floor!!

    Coffee girl is away today unfortunately! There's always next week. At lunch time I'm treating myself to a hot chocolate or maybe I'll get a chai latte! I need to relax a bit. I think all the pressure and stress is getting to me today. A quiet moment in a cafe is just what I need.

    Christmas is hard when you've lost someone. While it's not the same at all as what you're going through ,I two grandparents last year, only months apart. The first Christmas was hard. Even though it was several months after losing them, it still was hard. It just felt strange I guess, like something was missing.

    I'm here to talk if you ever need Sarah - you've been endlessly patient listening to my tales of gloom and misery!

    Hope you have a wonderful Friday,

    Aaron

  13. Aaronsis
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    15 November 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Howdy Aaron..Happy Friday!

    You have come so far in your own personal development that you can start to see the behavior and the traits that your ex has and the way that she is treating you as manipulation. I hadn’t thought about the gas – lighting part but yes, it most certainly is! I can hear you loud and clear that most certainly years of being treated like this does leave you with many questions about yourself and doubting your own sense of judgement and your sanity, that is just not right. But I am so proud of you and so happy that you can see this behavior now and can now be in a place of power so as not to accept it again.

    That is an awesome idea tonight at dinner, to just listen, to not engage in any argument or entertain conversation about the future, you can just listen and parrot….that is a really good method of communicating that I have only just learnt to do, I had to learn it to manage my step mother at my brother’s time of passing as what she was saying was so ridiculous but I was not about to have an argument with a mother who has just lost her son…..so my councellor suggested I just parrot her, this way I am not agreeing and I am not disagreeing ….she is feeling heard and I am not left feeling angry or emotional..it is so empowering. If she says “so have you given anymore thought as to how you are feeling about us and if we can get back together?”…you can say “I hear that you want to know how I am feeling about us and about if we can get back together, I understand that you want to know and I am sure it is frustrating for you.” You have not given her an answer, you have not been rude, you have acknowledged her question and addressed how she might feel.

    Thank you so very much for offering to be there for me too Aaron, and you are, you just don’t know it….by me helping you through this I kind of get to help me too….I know Christmas is going to be weird, like you said, something will just be missing.

    I am sorry you are feeling pressure and stress today and I hope that the dinner goes well for you and that you don’t get a million questions and more pressure. On that note do not feel like you have to stay either, at any time it gets too much you can say that and say “I am sorry that you are not getting the answers you need but I feel totally overwhelmed and am going to call it a night.”

    Wishing you all the strength in the world for tonight, hope it goes well.

    If I don't chat to you before the marathon....smash it!!!

    Sarah :)

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  14. rhinoceros
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    18 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    Happy Monday!

    Yesterday did the half-marathon. It was tough! I've never run so far before. Today I'm feeling it- very sore everywhere! I really enjoyed it though. Everyone was so supportive. It was such a wholesome experience - it didn't matter if you weren't a full-on athlete or anything - people were just so encouraging. After being so sick with labyrinthitis where I lost my hearing and also lost my balance, I never thought I'd ever be able to take part in a half-marathon of any kind.

    Dinner with my ex the other night went okay. However I saw her on Saturday to take her out for a coffee. She threw a tantrum. She was throwing things and screaming. It was horrible. I stayed with her most of the day and she calmed down eventually. I can't be bothered dealing with that kind of behaviour . If she does that again I think I'm going to have to walk out for good. I appreciate she's hurting and it's an awful time for her, but I don't think that's an excuse to behave in that way. I feel like she's just dumped all her baggage on me yet again. She is completely unaccountable for her actions and behaviour.

    She said that she's frustrated that she put all this hard work into our relationship and it has got her nowhere... I found that hard to hear- but at the same time I wondered what the hard work was. Honestly I struggle to identify where she was putting all this hard work in... that sounds really harsh, but the relationship was a situation of me giving and her taking....

    Hopefully there won't be a repeat of that but I'm kind of angry that I had to deal with that.

    Hope you had a nice weekend!! :-)

    Aaron

  15. Aaronsis
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    18 November 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Hey Aaron, happy Monday indeed!

    AWESOME..I am so proud of you for doing the marathon and so very excited for you that you finished it and that you felt so much support and so much encouragement, that is fantastic and I am so impressed that you did it, well done my friend!

    In other news I am feeling like your ex has really shown you she hasn't changed and when push comes to shove she has exploded and had a tantrum, wow, that is really unacceptable and I am so very sorry that happened to you, you most certainly do not deserve to be treated like that, even more so that you are going above and beyond in supporting her through this break up and this is how she behaves, so very very disappointing......but I am a very firm believer in "people show you who they are"...she has done this. You said if she does this again you will walk away, I would be doing that now, you have broken up and you are still around when you don't have to be, so this is just an extra level of care you have once again shown her and it has been thrown in your face. I would not be giving her the opportunity to do this to you again. You deserve love and kindness Aaron, this is neither.

    With regards to her comment about all the work she has done in the relationship and to throw it away, I would have to agree with you, sounds like she is just saying that as a victim statement as if it were true you would have been able to relate and see the work she did, you did the work and she took the benefits...now she wants to return to that, I can totally understand why she wants it back, a relationship where the other person does and gives and she just takes, sounds wonderful!!!

    This is so horrible Aaron and I am really am so angry and sad and hurt for you, this is just not good, and so very mean of her to behave like that, like a kid who hasn't got her own way. I am giving you virtual hugs and hope you can grab them, this is really shitty!!

    I think after this weekend you should really consider a clean break, or at least a large time before you make or receive contact with her.....so very hurtful.

    Hugs Aaron

    Your friend Sarah

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  16. rhinoceros
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    19 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    I'm so glad I entered that half-marathon. Still buzzing from the fact I even finished it! Really keen to do another one in the near future. I'm a bit less sore today thank goodness!

    Regarding my ex, yes it's really unfair what happened on Saturday. It's really bad behaviour. I've been as supportive and kind as I can be during this time... I know it's hard for her, and right now she's got some nasty issues at work that are not helping... but I don't think that's an excuse to throw a tantrum like that. We all have our problems, and truthfully, her problems (mine too) are really not that big in the scheme of things.

    I had to spend the next 3 hours or so calming her down. After the tantrum there was lots of crying etc. I just trying to be kind and gentle and let her get out whatever it was she needed to get out.

    One thing about my ex is that she always sees herself as a victim. It really doesn't matter what the situation is. Even back when she would scream at me in the bedroom when I was struggling with my medication, I remember later when I tried to initiate a conversation about our intimacy issues, she would say that I scared her away from intimacy. At the time I just accepted that, but now I know how completely unfair that was. I felt like some sort of monster.

    I saw her last night. We had dinner. Again I just listened to what she was saying - mostly complaining about things. I don't want to sound mean, but I found it tiresome. She's also acting saccharin-sweet right now, I suspect she's a bit guilty about the tantrum the other day. She's looking after her self-interests first and foremost. I do need to cut this thing off at some point. I don't think she'll ever change. It takes guts to do that, but I needs to happen sooner rather than later I agree.

    Yes, that comment about all the hard work she's done really rattled me! I didn't even know what to say to that... I worked so hard to try and "fix" myself to make the relationship work. I thought it was all my fault things were the way they were. I'm struggling to see what her contributions were, other than just being there. That sounds really harsh, and is probably a bit unfair - but I didn't see any hard work from her end whatsoever.

    I feel like I'm dealing with a spoilt teenager at times. She's nearly 35 and should know better! There is no way she'd put up with me if I threw tantrums like that.

    Thank you for the virtual hugs- it's so kind of you.

    Thank you for being such a good friend

    Aaron

  17. Aaronsis
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    20 November 2019 in reply to rhinoceros
    Hey Aaron
    I am so proud of you for completing that marathon and I am sure you are still buzzing from the experience, it is such a huge accomplishment and I hope you are feeling so proud of yourself too.
    I am so sorry that you are going through this with your ex, her behaviour is really not acceptable and is I hate to say it, narcissistic…I am not sure how she see this sort of tantrum throwing as a good way to communicate with you or a good way to show you that she is making changes to better herself for a more healthy relationship. I can totally see why she blames everything on you and makes everything about you and it is that big word from up above that starts with N..sorry if that is harsh Aaron I just don’t want her treating you, or anyone for that matter like this.
    You have done so very much to support her through this break up, when in fact you have been struggling so much yourself, you could have just walked away and you didn’t. I am not sure how she sees treating you like this is.. 1. Acceptable but… 2. Going to be any good for reconnecting with you.
    I hear you when you say that you need to cut this off sooner than later, you are stronger than you think and you can do this, when you are ready though, but you have come so far in your journey and grown so very much, you can do this and you deserve happiness. This is really shitty of her and I am sorry that at almost 35 she thinks acting like a 3 year old is ok. You were very kind to stay for all those hours to console her, I would not have been so patient and understanding, you really are a gem!
    I hope that you can get to have a catch up with coffee girl and have a chat and make yourself feel good, you deserve it.
    Here are some more hugs for you xoxox I am just so sorry you are going through this.
    35 degrees here today so maybe a beach trip with some fish n chips for dinner…yum!
    Chat soon Aaron
    Sarah :)
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  18. rhinoceros
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    20 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    Yes it's unfortunate about my ex. I think she does have narcissistic tendencies - ironically often says that other people are narcissists, whether it be an ex boyfriend, her co-worker, her boss etc... you name it!

    She doesn't have much in the way of empathy, that much is very apparent in the way she's treated me, but even her dad has to put up with it too. I remember once he took us out for dinner - she was in foul mood because she wanted to stay home and do nothing instead of go out. She barely spoke to him the whole time - I felt so bad for him! He's such a nice person - he didn't deserve that. The strange thing is that she actually is aware of how she doesn't have much empathy for others... yet she doesn't do anything about it.

    You're so right, I've kind of put my own struggling aside to try and be supporting to her. That tantrum the other day was so wrong. I actually regret staying all that extra time and consoling her, I should have just left. For the rest of the day I was exhausted. I haven't really had a good chance to deal with my side of the break-up. I've been too busy worrying about my ex, and then worrying about office-girl. I don't think either of them are worrying about me as much as I worry about them!

    She still wants to be with me but I don't think it's because she actually really loves me. It's more that she doesn't want to be alone. I may be wrong but that's what my gut tells me. The way she behaved on Saturday is not how someone who loves you would behave.

    If she wants me to come back to her she's doing all the wrong things. I've got lots of gigs this week so that's a good excuse to back away from her a bit. I need that. When I'm ready I'll end things properly. I just want to get my own head together a bit more first. Unless she throws a tantrum again, then I'll just leave! Not doing that again.

    I sent coffee girl a message yesterday - haven't head back yet but hopefully she's free to hang out this week some time. It would be nice to just to relax and to chat to someone.

    Today to make myself feel a bit better I drove the Mercedes to work. The parking space is not really made for big old cars, so I have to climb out on the passenger side of the car! It must look hilarious.

    Tonight I have a gig with the big band - we're doing a Nat King Cole themed night. That will be good fun.

    It's hot in Hobart today too! Looking forward to getting some sunlight at lunch time.

    Fish and chips sounds great!
    Lots of hugs to you too! xoxo

    Aaron

  19. Aaronsis
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    20 November 2019 in reply to rhinoceros
    Hey A
    I was really shocked to hear about how your ex treated her dad at the dinner, that is really sad and kind of mean really..my dad lives so far away and I would give anything to be able to have dinner with him when I liked. People really do show us who they are, sometimes it takes time and other times they show us right away, but I 100% agree with your “gut feeling” thing, I live by the rule that your gut usually is right, good or bad it lets us know, if it feels wrong, it usually is..
    I am glad that you have had some time to reflect though on the whole tantrum and in the event that is does happen again you have a plan to deal with that and not accept it. It must have been so exhausting to get her through that time and then to take care of yourself. I do agree with you too in that you have spent a lot of time caring for her during this break up that you haven’t taken care of you the way you need to, although you have done some wonderful self-growth which is awesome.
    I think the realisation that you have come to might be correct, as hard as that might be to hear, she perhaps doesn’t want to be alone and it is better to be with someone familiar than to have to start again. I am just guessing here by the way.
    That is so cool to drive the Merc to work , people must be staring at it in the car park with envy, I am sure it is stunning. Nice to drive home with style…lol
    Enjoy your gig tonight and yes, that is great that you have lots on this week, however do not feel bad for telling her no and that you just need some time for yourself and that you need to rest and to heal too.
    Almost home time for me and yes, hope the kids are interested in fish and chips as it will be 25 here overnight, perfect beach night.
    Enjoy the gig and chat tomorrow.
    Cheers
    Sarah :)
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  20. rhinoceros
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    21 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    Yes that dinner was so awkward. Her dad didn't really have much to do with her when she was growing up, he's kind of making up for lost time - but still, it's so nice that he wants to see her! My dad makes no effort to see me- he expects me to arrange to see him - she doesn't realise how lucky she is.

    I'm trying really hard to do the right thing by my ex, and try and give her the opportunities to make changes and grow as a result of this, however after that tantrum I realise there a things that haven't changed! You're right though, I've learned quite a bit from all this. But as I mentioned before, I can't deal with another episode like that. I'm not overly experienced in relationships or anything but I don't think that is normal behaviour.

    I think part of what made me stay with her as long as I have was that I didn't want to be alone - I'd put up with an unhealthy relationship because I thought it was better than being alone... in hindsight I realise how wrong I was. I feel a lot less lonely now than I did a year ago! I was so desperately unhappy on so many occasions and just accepted that it's the way things are.

    Things at work with office-girl have been a bit awkward - she saw me across the room and death-stared me - if looks could kill... I felt horrible, but nothing I can do about that. It's out of my hands really...

    On the bright side - having lunch with coffee-girl tomorrow. It'll be good to see how she is going and just have nice friendly chat!

    Gig last night went well but left me a bit tired today - have a bit of a headache. Unfortunately I have another gig tonight so no rest for the wicked! It's hot today in Hobart - it's already about 33 outside. Too hot for me! There's something wrong with the A/C at work too, so it's real stuffy in here - that's not helping the headache gah!

    I think at my gig tonight I'm going to get a nice cold beer - I rarely drink at all so it'll be a real treat and most welcome on a hot day like this! It's nice to appreciate the little things like that.

    How was your evening at the beach? Hope the fish and chips were good :-)

    Hope you're having a nice day so far -

    Aaron

  21. Aaronsis
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    22 November 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Hey Aaron

    I am sure that you are super tired today from the gig last night and the big week you have had. I am soo glad it is Friday, although my daughter is having a friend sleep over tonight so that will be hectic..lol

    I hope that you have a great lunch with coffee girl, she seems really lovely and I can see she is a good friend to you which is great. Oh dear..the old death stare..ahhhhh...yeah not sure what to do there, I think time will sort it out it really will but until then there are going to be moments of awkwardness, perhaps you could give her a smile or even a little wave kind of thing, as perhaps a peace offering..so very tricky..

    Yes you are so right about your ex not knowing how lucky she is, I would love to be able to have dinner with my dad whenever and have him even in the same state as me...I guess it is the saying you don't know what you have til you don't have it anymore....I think your ex is feeling that now.

    I was so happy to read that you can see how much you have grown and you will continue to do so, this is a journey now and you will continue to meet situations that challenge you and others you can look at and say "hey..that used to rattle me but I know what to do in this situation"...it feels amazing.

    We didn't end up going to the beach as the wind picked up and it would have been like a sand blasting..lol...but we did have fish n chips so that was a bonus..no cooking...yay!

    I suppose you will have a few more gigs over the weekend, that is great that you have that in your life, and that you love it.

    Not much planned for the weekend for me other than running kids around and sports etc..lol....

    Hope you have an awesome lunch and have a good ole chat.

    Hugs

    Sarah

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  22. rhinoceros
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    22 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    Happy Friday! Gig last night was okay but it was quite busy and noisy, which isn't ideal when you're mostly deaf in one ear - it was really difficult to hear anything. It's very draining at times - but you have to take the good with the bad in these situations. I think the weight of everything got to me last night, I ended up drinking a bit too once I got home from my gig, I'm so ashamed to admit that. I just needed to drown it all out, it's the worst way to deal with things though.

    The death stare hurt but I did exactly what you said - I just smiled and waved, just being friendly. I'm sure this phase will pass, and if it doesn't - it's out of my hands, I can't do anything about that. If anything I wish I could just give her a big hug and just move on from this thing, but nothing is quite that simple.

    You're so right, we don't appreciate what we have until it's gone. I regret not spending more time with my grandparents for example. My ex doesn't realise how lucky she is to have a dad like hers. He's not perfect, but he's endlessly helpful and generous - even to me. He's 71, he won't be around forever ,she should be enjoying that time with him while she can.

    I suspect she's realising that with me, but at the same time I still don't think she really gets it. She doesn't understand that some of her behaviour was abusive. To justify herself she often says things like, "I looked after you when you were sick" etc. I did the same for her - this is what people in a relationship do... it's not to excuse bad behaviour! If anything looking after your partner when they're sick is the bare minimum in my view!

    My ex wants to see me on Saturday, I've agreed to that but I won't be putting up with any tantrums or anything. If that happens I'll leave. Hopefully can just have a good chat and keep things on the light/positive side.

    Yes ,I have rehearsals this weekend - I'm in the pit orchestra for a theatre production , so rehearsals are ramping up. The money is good though and comes in handy. It will be a lot of fun I'm sure.

    Just had lunch with coffee girl - it was really nice. It's great to have a laugh again.

    We had really severe wind last night here too! So gusty. A sandblasting does not sound fun at all! No cooking is always good. :-)

    Hope you're having a nice Friday

    Aaron

  23. Aaronsis
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    22 November 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Hey Aaron

    Happy Friday indeed, yay for the weekend, even though it is going to be full of kid stuff..lol

    I am sure that a club with live music is not really condusive to a happy head the next day, especially if you already have trouble with your hearing...ouch....but hey...as u say, take the good with the bad and it is way more good than it is bad.

    Don't feel bad for having a few drinks last night, it is not what you usually do and it is more than fine to let your hair down and relax once in awhile. You know you have not turned to alcohol to get through this so that you had a few drinks really is nothing to be concerned with, well I don't think so anyway.

    That is really nice that you did step up and take the higher road when office girl gave you the death stare, one day you may feel strong enough to give her that hug and say exactly that to her..."it would be awesome if we could move on from what ever that was and be friends?" All you can do is try and you never know, it may be all it takes to break the ice.

    I am 100% sure your ex is going through the phase of not knowing what she had til it is gone, and that is one of the sad things about a break up is that sometimes we dont get the chance to "fix" what was wrong and make a mense..however that takes awareness and the preparedness for personal growth, not to mention taking the ownership of your part in the break up and the problems you brought to the relationship, I don't think she is quite there yet....

    You are so right in that looking after each other is the bare minimum, the fact that is all she had to bring up is in itself alarming. The role of a relationship is to encourage and to support and to build the other person up and to want them to succeed, anyway ..you know all this stuff I am ranting now...lol

    You are so very kind to see her on the weekend and yes, please don't tolerate any more of her bad behavior as it just leaves you feeling bad about yourself. At least you will have the rehearsals to do that will make you happy, how cool that you are in the orchestra for a theatre production, that is amazing, well done!!

    I am so happy to hear that you had a great lunch and that coffee girl is making you feel good and that you had a laugh, so very important and so good to hear, awesome.

    Not long now til home time and then switch hats to mum....lol...with the questions of what is to eat and I am bored....lol...

    Have an awesome weekend Aaron

    Sarah :)

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  24. rhinoceros
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    25 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    Hope your weekend full of kid-stuff wasn't too stressful! Sounds so busy!

    My weekend was crazy - lots of rehearsals. Fun, but full on. Also had to visit my dad - he's a bit of a downer but he means well.

    My ex asked me to stay with her on Saturday night, reluctantly I agreed, I stayed in the spare room. Anyway, it just didn't feel right for me. My anxiety and stress levels skyrocketed. She means well and I still love her, but I don't think I can go back to actually being with her, it's just not good for me. If I did, it would be because I feel sorry for her, or obligated to be with her... that's not the right reason to be with someone. This sounds mean but she can be a very depressing person, it's hard to be positive and happy around her. Her negativity is contagious -I'm sure she has a serious depression issue but she refuses to acknowledge there's a problem.

    She's going away to Brisbane for a few days this week so that time will be nice for me to have a break. Spending too much time with her confuses things. I think it will be good for her to have time away from me as well. She needs to realise there's more to the world than just me. When she's away I hope she uses it as time to put herself together a bit more. Similarly I can get my thoughts together a bit better too.

    Today I'm trying to stay positive, and try and not think so much about what is going on with my ex. I found the weekend really draining and it's good to be here at work away from all of that.

    This week is going to be hectic, I have a theatre production happening this weekend, rehearsals every night this week - arrgh. The money is handy but I'm going to be so tired. I'm building my first home, so every cent counts right now! That said, it's fun and generally worth all the tiredness.

    Hope your Monday has been treating you well so far :-)

    Aaron

  25. Aaronsis
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    25 November 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Hey Aaron

    You sure sound like you have a hectic week planned, which is good, keeps you busy doing the thing you love.

    Now....my mum side of me is kicking in now and I am going to tell you what I would tell a dear friend or my kids...you have mentioned that your ex is not coping well with the separation, that she is being very needy and I can see that with the amount of catch up's she is requesting of you and the time she is asking of you. Now, can I suggest that her healing and her being able to get better starts with you out of the picture. The person with whom we break up with and who has "caused" the sadness cannot be the person who heals us. She does want you back and you know this so whether this is another form of manipulation or her just being needy you have a decision to make. Sorry if I am being blunt here, I can just hear how exhausted you are and how this is taking it's toll on you and you may not realize that you are contributing to it.

    I get she wants a coffee and to some degree that is ok, but perhaps not weekly, I get she wants a chat on the phone, again not too bad but perhaps not weekly, but asking you to stay over was very much outside the boundaries of a break up and you had every right to say "I am sorry but I don't feel comfortable to do that". You are so very right, it is not good for you, but it is also not good for her, she cannot move past you if she has you at her disposal. She needs to lean on her friends or find a support group, you cannot be the person to heal her.

    I am glad that she is going to Brisbane as this will actually give you a physical barrier, some time for you both to truly be apart. Too much time together does confuse things, for both of you. I think it is time to put the hard rule in place and to start to put some strict boundaries on this, just my feeling and I don't want to push, but I do want you to feel better, and not tired and not drained and .....yep...not be her carer.....cos she is still asking that of you.

    I am glad you are trying to stay positive and not think about the weekend, I think it is time, time to be kind to you and do what it is you want to do and I feel like that is move on with your life.

    The theatre production sounds awesome, that would be so fun to be apart of that. It will really lift your spirits this week.

    Building your first home...that is awesome and so very exciting, well done, I hear you though, expensive but so very exciting, go you!

    Monday...meh!

    Chat soon

    Sarah :)

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  26. rhinoceros
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    25 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    I hear you, loud and clear - you're so right. Staying with her was NOT a good idea for either of us. That problem of me trying to please people all the time got the better of me. I felt so guilty and awful about how she was feeling, I didn't have the heart to say no to her. It was very weak of me, I should've stood my ground.

    The upside of it is that it's reinforced that leaving her was the right thing for me to do. She is manipulating me, not necessarily in a malicious way, but she knows that I'm triggered by her being upset and I'll run to try and solve her problems for her. By reacting to that, I'm actually making everything worse I realise, for both of us. I'm not actually helping her, and I'm not helping myself either.

    I'm so exhausted. I felt very tense and uncomfortable at times around her. It was very draining.

    I'm going to book an appointment in with my counsellor hopefully for this week just to help me get my thoughts together a bit on this.

    At some point soon I will have to say that I can't see our relationship recovering and that it's over. While I wish I could be there to support her through this thing, it's not something I can do. It doesn't help either of us at all. This sounds horrible, but I also really want to meet someone new - not obviously right now- but at some point that hopefully I can be happy with. 3 years of being mostly unhappy is long enough for most I think.

    Your 'mum-side' is full of wisdom and good advice!!! Again I'm so grateful to you Sarah, you've been so generous and kind to talk with me.

    I'll have to be strong and do what's right for me. Can't say I feel very strong, but I can try and build myself up to it, like I did when we initially separated. At least this time it won't come as such a shock and won't be so out of the blue.

    Mondays are meh indeed!!

    Aaron

  27. Aaronsis
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    25 November 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Hi Aaron

    I am so very happy that you have taken on board what I was trying to say as I was worried how you would read it, you cannot get tone across with words and sometimes people get upset.

    I know that you are really struggling with the people pleasing and it really is something that you have to work on, it is not easy, but I think that if you arm yourself with the response in preparation so you just don’t have to think it or feel it..you just say it, it is so hard but…you have to try. I too have been there and this is what I had to do, just arm myself with the response and almost close my eyes and just recite it…and the sentence I said to you in the last post is one of them “ I am sorry but I just don’t feel comfortable in doing that”..please do not feel weak, you are most certainly not weak, far from it, this is not about weak it is about embracing change and change is really hard. That is why by putting a sentence in your brain that you can have to fall back on and to pull out at a moments notice is so handy.

    I don’t want to say that she is being manipulative but she does know what triggers you. I do agree that at some point you do need to be honest with her and if you really cannot see a future with her as horrible as it will be to do , it is only fair to let her know so you can get on with your life, and as you said, you want to meet someone new, you will not be able to do this while you are caring for her and she is taking your time and your emotional energy. Also, a new person deserves the best version of you, not the exhausted and tired Aaron. You do have to be strong and do what is right for you so please do not let me pressure you here. I just feel like the relief you are going to feel after you address this with yourself will be so very rewarding.

    I am here for you, always, this is not easy and I am so happy I have been able to support you through this. Now is the time for you. Not to put too finer point on it but Christmas is one month away and I don’t want you to have the festive season ruined with guilt or with her demanding your time, also you spending time with her when in your heart you really don’t want to.

    Ok mummy rant over…..

    Sorry to be a drainer Aaron I just want you to be happy.

    S :)

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  28. rhinoceros
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    26 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    Yes it's hard with just text, you can't get tone across etc. it's a tricky one, but I knew what you meant!

    The people-pleasing problem is a pain. I think what I find so distressing is seeing someone I care about hurt so much. I'd do anything to stop it, but it doesn't work - in fact it makes everything so much worse. I also have to remember there was so many times where she cause me a great deal of pain and was abusive, but she didn't feel bad about how it made me react or the long lasting consequences. Since she knows she could lose me, she's like a different person at the moment, however I know deep down she'd go back to her old ways fairly quickly.

    I remember when I first told her I couldn't be with her any more, her first reaction was "I didn't think you had it in you to leave...". I always found that a strange thing to say. It was like she wanted to wear me down so I had zero self confidence and was unable to leave because of that. I might be totally wrong, but I find that really bizarre and kind of troubling.

    I can't let my judgement get all clouded by how nice she's being right now! It's all smoke and mirrors. Sometimes I think I must be very naive and gullible.

    I think the first thing I need to come to grips with is that my ex isn't going to change. The tantrum a while ago was a clear indicator of that. She might temporarily change, but it's only fleeting. It's like a stretched rubber band, it'll eventually snap back to where it was before.

    This situation sucks, but the sense of relief when I'm no longer being torn to pieces will be overwhelming. There's never a right time but I think sooner rather than later is the kindest thing for both of us.

    Arrgggh I wish life could be a bit less complicated!

    I often joke about how good it would be to be a light-house keeper. Just being on your own, with life being as simple as possible!

    Hope your Tuesday is treating you well so far :-)
    Aaron

  29. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    2464 posts
    26 November 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Hey Aaron

    Feeww..so glad you got what I meant as the very last thing I would ever want to do is offend you.

    The people pleasing will take some practice and it is not an easy thing, however I think too that you can come from a place with your ex that you actually do need to make a call on this as she is still leaning on you and you are still feeling obligated and cornered into being her carer.

    I was actually really shocked to read her response to you when you said you couldn't be with her anymore...wow...that is sure one slap to the face. I see it as her saying " I just always thought I could treat you how I wanted and you would always be there as you are too scared to leave"..just terrible ...I am so sorry Aaron, that response from her is just horrific. Perhaps she was trying to wear you down but I see it as an arrogant confidence that she is so secure with you and that she has you wrapped around her finger that you in fact don't have the courage to leave her, that you know you can't do better.....I might be totally wrong too, but that is how I would take it. Sure she is being sugar sweet now but that tantrum was a real slip, of her showing you who is still inside her....scary really.

    Smoke and mirrors for sure, I am so happy that you can consider that this is what she is doing, see how much you have grown and are awake to this behavior, that is so wonderful. You know what else, that one day when you do start a new relationship you are going to be so savvy and this is never going to happen to you again, cos you won't let it, you will sense it a mile off and stop it at the gate....how empowering......no way are you gullible or naive, you are very aware of what is happening, it is just breaking out of the guilt and putting you first, that is all....hmm..easier said that done I know...but you will get there.

    There really is not going to be the right time but I feel like the relief will be overwhelming for you, in a positive way. Life is pretty complicated but it is also about learning and trying new things and you are doing all of that.

    With regards to the lighthouse keeper....sure a solitary life AT TIMES would be cool, simple, private..but can I suggest to you that the perhaps the lighthouse keeper would love to be able to stand on a stage, to be able to play music that makes people happy, to take a drive in a car and feel the freedom of travel and to be able to be free....I think you know what i am getting at..

    Much love and hugs to you Aaron

    Sarah :)

    1 person found this helpful
  30. rhinoceros
    rhinoceros avatar
    148 posts
    27 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    Don't worry- I'm not offended at all!

    I think my ex has made the people-pleasing problem worse in some respects. With her it was like a survival mechanism of sorts. If I agreed with her and "towed the party line", generally things would be harmonious. It's a hard habit to unlearn.

    I agree, that response was pretty horrible. She initially went from angry/defensive/aggressive all at once, to suddenly begging that I don't leave her. It was a total backflip. She had every reason to feel extremely secure with me - whenever she would get angry with me I would always be the person apologising, whether or not it was my fault. In a way I'm partially to blame for giving her that power, and for the consequences it brought to me. It was a vicious cycle.

    I was so worn down at times that I barely had the self confidence to even make eye contact with other people let alone run off and find someone else! It took a lot of work, counselling and self help books to get to where I am now... most of the bad stuff happened in the first couple years we were together, but the consequences of that last obviously much longer.

    It's so hard to believe that my ex, as she is now, is the same person who said all these awful things back then. People change suddenly when they have something to lose.

    Should I ever enter a new relationship, I'll be so much more savvy than before. And these tough times will make me a better person in the long run.

    The lighthouse keeper thing is a bit of a cop out I admit, when I get too burdened with problems I always think of that! But yes, there's so many nice things that one would miss out on in a lighthouse. Tonight I have a night off - I'm so happy about that. I'm going to go for a run after work - fresh air will be wonderful!

    Hope you're having a good Wednesday :-)

    Aaron

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